Smoke & Mirrors

Page 883

It's October already.

Wow.

Spent some time doing some memory cleaning today.

So much junk hanging around.

Came across some old pictures...

Pictures that made me smile.

Pictures that made me laugh.

Pictures I wish I hadn't seen.

Because they triggered some memories.

Memories I've buried over the years.

Was it only smoke & mirrors?

 Everything was so blur & hazy.

Now... I see it a little clearer.

Love, Eran.

Did you really love me?

Current Song Mood: Demi Lovato - Smoke & Mirrors

Standing on the front lines
Staring at the sun rise over the hills
Waiting for the kill
Sweet anticipation, never conversation
Tears in our eyes from holding too tight

Waiting till the demons come
Wait for us to see them run in our direction
Now they're staring at us through the trees
Got us falling to our knees to teach us a lesson

So tell me
Did you ever really love me?
Did you ever really want me?
Now that I see you clearer
I wonder was I ever really happy
Didn't get the chance to ask me
Now that I see you clearer
Was it just smoke and mirrors?
Was it just smoke and mirrors?

Holding onto tables, pulling out the staples
Keeping you close, now we're not afloat
Point me in the right direction, answer me one question
'Cause I could've sworn that I wasn't wrong

Waiting till the demons come
Wait for us to see them run in our direction
Now they're staring at us through the trees
Got us falling to our knees to teach us a lesson (teach us a lesson)

So tell me
Did you ever really love me?
Did you ever really want me?
Now that I see you clearer
I wonder was I ever really happy
Didn't get the chance to ask me
Now that I see you clearer
Was it just smoke and mirrors?
Ooh, was it just smoke and mirrors?

Darling I have been afraid
I could only call your name
Thank the heavens that you stayed
But if I'm telling you the truth
When I cut the tether loose
It was me, saving you

So tell me
Did you ever really love me?
Did you ever really want me?
Now that I see you clearer
I wonder was I ever really happy
Didn't get the chance to ask me
Now that I see you clearer
Was it just smoke and mirrors?
Was it just smoke and mirrors?

A Little Work

Page 882 

'Thank you ah... You're a good person.'

The old, frail grandma said to me as I was done with the procedure.

Her eyes full of pity.

My heart melted.

Those words somehow struck a chord in my heart.

After such a tiring night, attending to her and many others. 

The endless call bells.

The annoying requests.

It was all.. worth it.

Their thank yous, are worth it.

I wish everyone the best of health.

I didnt tell anyone it was my 'last day.'

I didnt wanna say goodbye because.. I don't know if it was.

I don't know what's gonna happen in the future.

I may not have ended on a good note today.

But I felt like I've done my best for everyone.

No one's perfect.

We're all just a little bit broken inside..

And we could use just a little work.

And that's... okay.

It's okay.

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Fergie - A Little Work

Got a lot of answers I'm looking for in these meds
'Bout time I talk to somebody, shrink my head
A lot of promises, broken things that were said
And I can't get out of this bed
Got bruises on my heart, plenty scars on my mind
Got blisters under the band-aid over my life
Gonna rip it open and show the world what's there
Lord knows I'm not perfect

When everything around me starts to fall
I rise up again to the call

We're all just a little bit broken (Yeah)
We're all just a little bit hurt (Yeah)
We've all got wounds half open (Yeah)
We all can use a little work
A little work, a little

Gotta wait, first of the month to pick up that check
He bounced, and left, it was over, never came back
Had a lot of questions 'bout daddy after he left
Now it's just momma and them kids, and she said
"I'll hold it down, don't you worry, we'll find a way
No matter how, I'll make sure the bills get paid"
She gave it all and thank God their mouths got fed
She prayed the cycle would end

When everything around us starts to fall
I rise up again to the call

We're all just a little bit broken (Yeah)
We're all just a little bit hurt (Yeah)
We've all got wounds half open (Yeah)
We all can use a little work
A little work, a little

Sometimes when you feel like you need it
They send in the medic, woah
But if it's your soul that is bleeding
That slow drip won't help it, no
It's time to get up to the front of the line
The cut off the battle and straight for the mind
Well, well, well, well
There's nothing that's holding you down
Stuck on the ground, far from the ground
'Cause you are a warrior more than you know

We're all just a little bit broken (Yeah)
We're all just a little bit hurt (Yeah)
We've all got wounds half open (Yeah)
We all can use a little work
A little work, a little (a little, a little)
A little

Tension

Page 881

Guess I got through today pretty smoothly.

It's not over yet.

Now I'm contemplating whether I made the right choice.

Decisions, decisions.

Sigh, adulting is so tough.

Cant seem to make up my mind.

I miss the old carefree days..

Glad I had today to release some tension in the air.

I need a break.

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Fergie - Tension

C'mon

All these vibes, so blase blase blah
I need your high, c'mon c'mon c'mon
My throat is dry, come pour some more, some more
When we lock eyes, I'm yours, I'm yours, I'm yours

Ooh, your body got these moves, your body
Ooh, your body, high
Ooh, your body, yeah, I know it wants me
Ooh, your body, is blowing my mind, cause

All this tension that we can't control
Got me catching feelings on my dance floor
Ooh, damn, I'm hoping that we take it home
Got me catching feelings on the dance floor

All this tension that we can't control
Got me catching feelings on my dance floor
Ooh, damn, I'm hoping that we take it home
Got me catching feelings on the dance floor

Ain't gonna lie, you got me open wide
The way you move is setting me on fire
My throat is soar, come pour some more, some more
You're all mine, yours, I'm yours, I'm yours

Ooh, your body got these moves, your body
Ooh, your body, high
Ooh your body, yeah, I know it wants me
Ooh, your body, is blowing my mind, cause

All this tension that we can't control
Got me catching feelings on my dance floor
Ooh, damn, I'm hoping that we take it home
Got me catching feelings on the dance floor

So forget this distance, come and pull me tight
Can you feel this tension? We could go all night
We could get it started, make it radiant
I'mma call you Sally when you make me sweat

And you know like I know
I'm getting you alone, I'm getting you alone
And you know like I know
I'm bout to take you home, I'm bout to take you home
Cause

All this tension that we can't control
Got me catching feelings on my dance floor
Ooh, damn, I'm hoping that we take it home
Got me catching feelings on the dance floor

All this tension that we can't control
Got me catching feelings on my dance floor
Ooh, damn, I'm hoping that we take it home
Got me catching feelings on the dance floor

Hungry

Page 880

Feeling a little under the weather today.

Or maybe I'm just nervous?

I don't know.

My future depends on this.

But it's alright.

I can do this.

I have to.

I'm hungry.

Not thirsty.

Just hungry.

Hungry for what's to come.

And I'm gonna fight for what I want.

Let's do this.

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Fergie Ft Rick Ross - Hungry

[Rick Ross:] This special, biggest, global
[Fergie:] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

To say it's complicated, understatement of the year
Well maybe conflict made it a new flavor in your ear
They know that I'm a problem, that's why everybody scared
Whatever doesn't kill you, can make you an I'll-ionaire
Uh, just turn the headphones up or make the windows roll up
I make they hands go up
When I show up and I blow it 'til I'm full up, wait, hold up
Girl up in the mirror, only one I fear, uh
You say you the realest, I told you I'm the illest

Sick, sick, mmm
Hungry, starving
Not thirsty, just hungry
Ambitious, still hungry
Still hungry

[Rick Ross:]
I'm moonwalking on marble floors
Rick Ross, I'm just drippin' sauce
Bitches see me and they all just wave
Rolls Royce and we call this Wraith
I fuck up money like I'm Escobar
Ballin', ballin', Kobe Bryant, that boy living large
No room for medium, that means you thinkin' small
Ferrari, Fergie, switching gears, she rockin' with a boss
I close my eyes, I must be telepathic
Look over haters, tripling my assets
It takes courage to accomplish these things
Fergie's my queen, I'm the king, now come kiss on our rings

[Fergie:]
Sick, sick, mmm
Hungry
[Rick Ross:] El Chapo
[Fergie:] Starving
[Rick Ross:] Rinzel
[Fergie:] Not thirsty, just hungry
[Rick Ross:] Ferrari Fergie
[Fergie:]
Ambitious, still hungry
Still hungry

Like It Aint Nuttin'

Page 879

Some nice catching-up today.

Funny how your circle of friends keep changing.

I don't mind.

As long as I know they're genuine people.

There are people that I still really despise.

Like... how can they live with themselves?

After what they've done. To me.

And go on with their lives.

Like it aint nuttin'.

I'm only gonna keep the real ones close to me.

Sometimes, all I can rely on is myself.

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Fergie - Like It Aint Nuttin'

Hey, hey
Whoo-ooh!
Hey, hey
My mic sounds nice (check one)
My mic sounds nice (check two)
My mic sounds nice (check three)

Hey, what'cha gonna do when I step in the room?
Betcha y'all ballers gonna rock to the tune
Betcha y'all ballers gonna rock to the tune
Get down to the beat and rock to the tune
What'cha gonna do when I step in the place?
Bet you errbody gonna rock to the bass
Bet you errbody gonna rock to the bass

I, I get money all day, baby
Like it ain't nothin', nothin', nothin', nothin', nothin'
Spend that money, baby
Like it ain't nothin', nothin', nothin', nothin', nothin'
All day, all day, baby
Like it ain't nothin', nothin', nothin', nothin', nothin'
Roll up in the Ghost, baby
Like it ain't nothin', nothin', nothin', nothin', nothin'

Not, not a, not, not a damn thing, swimming in green
Diamond on the neck, got a diamond on the ring
Cash rules everything around me, CREAM
Dolla, dolla bills all around me, me
I don't mean to brag, I don't mean to boast
I didn't mean to roll up to the club in the Ghost
I didn't mean to pull out a bottle of the Moet
Do the champagne shower spread, spraying on the clothes
I didn't mean to hurt 'em, I didn't mean to kill 'em
I didn't mean to make 10, 20, 100 million
And ever since I made it, I been murdered on the ceiling
I know why they be hatin', cause I be [?]
And now I'm cold, cool and cold, chilling like a villain
They feeling my diamonds, the gold on my grillin
I smile like I swallowed a jeweler
I'm ill and I'm sick with the paper my bank keep on filling, uh

What'cha gonna do when I step in the room?
Betcha y'all ballers gonna rock to the tune
Betcha y'all ballers gonna rock to the tune
Get down to the beat and rock to the tune
What'cha gonna do when I step in the place?
Bet you errbody gonna rock to the bass
Bet you errbody gonna rock to the bass

I, I get money all day, baby
Like it ain't nothin', nothin', nothin', nothin', nothin'
Spend that money, baby
Like it ain't nothin', nothin', nothin', nothin', nothin'
All day, all day, baby
Like it ain't nothin', nothin', nothin', nothin', nothin'
Roll up in the Ghost, baby
Like it ain't nothin', nothin', nothin', nothin', nothin'

Not, not a, not, not a damn thing, swimming in Lou
Swimming in fashion, gotta stay cute
I kill 'em if I show 'em my birthday suit
I kill 'em when I roll up in my Merce' Coupe
I don't mean to show off, I don't mean to floss
I don't mean to be the head chick and the boss
I didn't mean to buy up the whole damn bar
I didn't mean to spend it like what, what it cost?
I didn't mean to whip out the keys to the city
I didn't mean to dress so fresh and pretty

I'm talkin' 'bout my ladies, rub on your pretties
Yeah, I said it, rub on your pretties
Ladies, rub on your cuties
Yeah, honey, I said it, rub on your cuties
Don't mean to hang with these ladies with booties
We loud and we crazy like we in a movie

What'cha gonna do when I step in the room?
Betcha y'all ballers gonna rock to the tune

Praying

Page 878

Those old worries hitting me hard again.

It keeps haunting me over & over.

When will it truly be over?

Unless I know I'm perfectly clear of it.

It won't be.

Especially now that I know that there's a slightest chance...

That it would affect my future.

It scares me.

It's a living nightmare.

And I pray that won't happen.

I'm gonna keep praying.

I can't throw my life away because of this.

Please.

I can't risk it.

Love, Eran.

I hope I find my peace.

Current Song Mood: Kesha - Praying

Well, you almost had me fooled
Told me that I was nothing without you
Oh, and after everything you've done
I can thank you for how strong I have become

'Cause you brought the flames and you put me through hell
I had to learn how to fight for myself
And we both know all the truth I could tell
I'll just say this is I wish you farewell

I hope you're somewhere praying, praying
I hope your soul is changing, changing
I hope you find your peace
Falling on your knees, praying

I'm proud of who I am
No more monsters, I can breathe again
And you said that I was done
Well, you were wrong and now the best is yet to come

'Cause I can make it on my own
And I don't need you, I found a strength I've never known
I've been thrown out, I've been burned ([Live version:] I'll bring thunder, I'll bring rain)
When I'm finished, they won't even know your name

You brought the flames and you put me through hell
I had to learn how to fight for myself
And we both know all the truth I could tell
I'll just say this is I wish you farewell

I hope you're somewhere praying, praying
I hope your soul is changing, changing
I hope you find your peace
Falling on your knees, praying

Oh, sometimes, I pray for you at night
Oh, someday, maybe you'll see the light
Oh, some say, in life you gonna get what you give
But some things, only God can forgive

I hope you're somewhere praying, praying
I hope your soul is changing, changing
I hope you find your peace
Falling on your knees, praying

...Ready For It?

Page 877

Feeling excited & blessed today.

For the future.

Cant wait for what's to come...

I really hope I get it.

I've been praying so hard.

It feels like a calling for me...

I'm ...ready for it.

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Taylor Swift - ...Ready For It?

Knew he was a killer
First time that I saw him
Wonder how many girls he had loved and left haunted
But if he's a ghost then I can be a phantom
Holdin' him for ransom
Some, some boys are tryin' too hard
He don't try at all though
Younger than my exes but he act like such a man, so
I see nothing better, I keep him forever
Like a vendetta-ta

I-I-I see how this is gonna go
Touch me, and you'll never be alone
I-Island breeze and lights down low
No one has to know

In the middle of the night, in my dreams
You should see the things we do, baby
In the middle of the night, in my dreams
I know I'm gonna be with you
So I take my time
(Are you ready for it?)

Me, I was a robber
First time that he saw me
Stealing hearts and running off and never saying sorry
But if I'm a thief then
He can join the heist
And we'll move to an island-and
And he can be my jailer
Burton to this Taylor
Every love I've known in comparison is a failure
I forget their names now
I'm so very tame now
Never be the same now, now

I-I-I see how this is gonna go
Touch me and you'll never be alone
I-Island breeze and lights down low
No one has to know
(No one has to know)

In the middle of the night, in my dreams
You should see the things we do, baby
In the middle of the night in my dreams
I know I'm gonna be with you
So I take my time
(Are you ready for it?)
(Ooh, are you ready for it?)

Baby, let the games begin
Let the games begin
Let the games begin
Baby, let the games begin
Let the games begin
Let the games begin

I-I-I see how this is gonna go
Touch me and you'll never be alone
I-Island breeze and lights down low
No one has to know

In the middle of the night, in my dreams
You should see the things we do, baby
In the middle of the night, in my dreams
I know I'm gonna be with you
So I take my time
In the middle of the night

Baby, let the games begin
Let the games begin
Let the games begin
(Are you ready for it?)
Baby, let the games begin
Let the games begin
Let the games begin
(Are you ready for it?)