Adult Size Medium

 Page 1574

Backdate to 16/3/26. 

I dreamt of my dad this morning. 

He came up to me in our living room, smiling, and passed me a cup of coffee he made. 

I was shocked to see him again, in his normal state. I broke down immediately.

I told him I missed him. I loved him. And to please forgive me.

He just smiled. And looked.. at peace. 

We hugged and he left the house. 

When I woke up, I had forgotten about it.

I went to the gym. And halfway through, I remembered.

I got very emotional, tears were forming and my throat was tight. 

I posted what I experienced online, and a lot of people reached out to me.

My mum came to know about it from my brother.

I told her yea.. But you know, it just happened to fast.

Maybe it was all in my head.

Maybe I dreamt about what I wanted to see.

Or maybe it was some sort of closure, as a lot of ppl would say.

The rest of that week, we busied ourselves. Making muruku for orders. For my workplace. I learned a lot from my Mum. And everyone loved it. My mum told me it was the most orders she had in a year.

Hari Raya came.

And everyone came to my house since my Mum couldnt go out.

It was nice to be with... family.

Something that I've always taken for granted.

Maybe just past traumas were holding me back from getting close to people.

I've always thought I would leave eventually...

It was very festive. The day before my dear friends dropped by to pass home-cooked lontong. So sweet. 

And the day it self was filled with more lontong and great food cooked by my Uncles and Aunties. 

I felt very blessed and grateful for my Mum. How her close relationship with her siblings helped her so much through this hard time..

She's very lucky.

My eldest brother did a thing. Where he took out allll our old photos and went through them with everyone. It was so nostalgic. I did not know my Dad took all those photos...  Wedding photos, Photos of me and my brothers when we were younger. Our late grandfathers and grandmothers. Damn, my parents looked good back then haha. It was like reliving the past. And I felt grateful to experience that. 

Around 6pm, my Mum received a call. It was my Lvl 5 neighbour. She broke the news that her husband passed, and was buried on the last day of Ramadan. I had chills. What.. were the odds?And I just stared at my Mum, as she was intensely talking to her. The fact that I had been the one to see them together for the last time, under my block as I sent my father to poly that fateful day. Who would've known? My dad had sang 'kita serupa (we are the same)' that day. Now they really were in the same place. The irony is just, wow. I got emotional. Life really works in mysterious ways

My dad's side came over in the evening. I've always avoided them, but for the first time, I finally got to connect with some of them. Mak Busu lost her husband same time as my Grandma back in 2017. And she saw how much he suffered from cancer. She was thankful that Ayah did not have to go through all of that. We solemnly agreed..

Throughout all the grieving, I learned that me & my Dad were much more alike than I thought. And that's something I'm always thinking about. Maybe I am, him.

Also, so so much rezeki since he passed. It was never-ending. Up until this day. I will always be in awe of that.

Last night

My father’s side came to visit yesterday. 

Pak Ngah (my dad’s 2nd eldest son in the family) and my close cousin (grew up with her and was in the same class during secondary school)

I remembered avoiding them in the past, for reasons I won’t say. But It was nice to see them again. Especially remembering how they were very present during my dad’s passing. I’ll remember that forever..

I sat down by my cousin, felt a bit awkward as I had not connected with her in a while, but she didn’t treat me like a stranger and we were able to talk about our jobs :)

As they had dinner, I took out our old photo albums and managed to find a few of theirs, esp Pak Ngah at his wedding day. They had a lot of fun looking through it hehe.

After their dinner I sat down at the couch, watching tv with Pak Ngah and my cousin.

Pak Ngah asked me about dialysis, and talked about his experience working as security together with my dad few years back. He said it was fun and chill. At times spooky. Nothing much to do honestly.

While talking, I just observed him. His wrinkled hands. Some sadness in his cloudy eyes. And wow, I saw so much of my dad in him… that made me pretty emotional. This was his brother. He’s getting old, too. I wonder what they feel, to see their own sibling pass. The pain must be the same, if not even more. Unmeasurable. 

He started recommending a show called ‘Cuci’ and that my dad was the one who introduced it to him. It was actually pretty great! For a Suria show. I could remember my Dad watching it in the living room, along with other random things. Hahah. 

After we said goodbye & they all left, I felt some sort of emptiness that I wasn’t sure I could explain. Just, sad. The living room was dark. The fan wasn’t on. 

Bella was perched on the sofa ledge, with her big & cute eyes, just staring at me.

I lied down on the sofa, facing her and we just looked at each other.. For the longest time.

And she purred.

‘You’re so precious,’ I stroked her little head. Feeling emotional…

Grief is never-ending, isn’t it? 

It comes in waves, and last night, I was feeling it strong. 

I think I will always be carrying this around with me… 

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Hilary Duff - Adult Size Medium

Air drying our sheets
Covering our gender
With an oversized fleece
Listening to records that meant something probably
When we were twenty-three and horny

Smiling with our teeth
Habitually repeating I'm a bad bitch, please
Us having no money was so fucking funny
It never got tired or boring

I'm pulling on holes
Of an adult size medium
The twenty year old me still in here
I'm waking up to a dream sequence
Sometimes I can't see me in it

Was it a sip of wine or Aperol
I remember everything and nothing at all
I'm waking up to a dream sequence
Sometimes I can't see me in it

Was any of it worth it after all?
Is my reflection someone else's I stole?
But if it's mine can I still keep it
If I can't see me in it

Texture on our skin
We were just at Beechers
With a guy to get in
Sweating out a fever
With our latest imprint
Then walking to the after party

Now on the other side
Of cherry-flavored ChapStick
There's some greyish highlights
Reminding me that nobody runs faster than time
It's heart breaking and reassuring
It's sinking in
I'm sinking in
I'm sinking

Pulling on holes
Of an adult size medium
I really don't know how I got here
I'm waking up to a dream sequence
Sometimes I can't see me in it

Was it a sip of wine or Aperol
I remember everything and nothing at all
I'm waking up to a dream sequence
Sometimes I can't see me in it

Was any of it worth it after all?
Is my reflection someone else's I stole?
But if it's mine can I still keep it?
If I can't see me in it

Try hards
Icons
Sunday mornings
Super Bowls
Turn Ons
Tampons
Edibles
And booty calls
I remember it all
And I remember nothing
How did we get here?
Was it luck or something?
Was it luck or something?

I remember it all
And I remember nothing
How did we get here?
Was it luck or something?
Was it luck or something?

The Optimist

Page 1573

 The aftermath

The next few days went by so fast..

I remembered waking up for sahur and it was just the 3 of us.

The stillness was deafening.

I switched on the radio, and we got on about our day. I took 1 week of leave.  3 days was not enough to recover.

My brothers and sister-in-law came over for buka everyday that week.

I was thankful for that.

It felt good.. to have company.

My mum brought out old picture books, of their younger days.

It was nice to look back at their past. Very sentimental.

We also had tons of visitors.

My colleagues, partner, friends, all took the time to come and visit, and I really appreciated it.

My close cousins came

It was nice to see them again.

I have been avoiding my relatives for some time.

But seeing their support made me very grateful.

I sat down with Nad and she rambled on about her work.

Haha, I’ll be honest, I zoned out too many times.

But it was till interesting to hear and catch up.

They left around 11+, and I left to throw out the thrash.

My neighour Susan

While throwing the trash, I bumped into Susan, a friendly neighbour that stayed near the lift area. She was coincidentally throwing out trash too.

She had poor eyesight and did not realise it was me.

‘How is your Dad’?

I braced myself.

The last she asked, a few weeks back, was when my Dad was transferring to TTSH.

‘Ah, I want to inform you, my dad passed…’

‘HAAA?!’

She grabbed my arm tightly, in disbelief.

Her eyes immediately watery.

‘What.. what happened’

I told her what happened.

She asked if she could come by, and went to get changed.

I went back inside and told my family.

Soon, she came in, and hugged and cried with my Mum.

She was so empathetic.

Having lost her own husband suddenly, 10 years ago.

She sat down on the couch. And had a wholesome talk with my Mum.

While us sons just say around and listened and joined in.

She told us to take care of our Mum.

And hugged her goodbye.

Lvl 5 Neighbour

During the time I sent my Dad to Polyclinic, while waiting for the car downstairs, we saw our lvl 5 neighbours. A Malay lady pushing her husband open on a wheelchair too. 

I remember the husband because he’s a dialysis patient. He looked much more shrivelled and sick now. And my dad funnily sang that they were ‘both the same’.

Till this day they remembered that, so it came to a shock to the wife when she heard.

She came up and visited us one of the day.

She was a really funny lady, very animated in her talking, and friendly.

I laughed a few times in her presence, and she had a great exchange with my Mum.

Cik Nah

Cik Nah was a long time friend of my mum.

She was the one that taught Mum how to make her famous meruku.

She suffered a stroke years ago, and was on a wheelchair now.

She took the effort to come all the way here, accompanied by her son and daughter.

I remembered going to their house when I was younger, and they’re all very much grown now.

We all sat in the living room and chatted, and it felt really nice.

Cik Nah’s own husband died suddenly a few years back, had a heart attack in bed during night.

She showed appreciation for my Dad, who used to send her and my Mum to religious + various classes for 1 year straight.

I remembered being in the car when I was younger, when my Dad sent them.

She was also a cat lady, and really loved meeting Bella :)

Charity

Found out from my eldest that my dad did some charity work for her niece’s school project and donated some money.

My eyebrows raised because it did not sound like him at all.

But maybe he had always had a soft spot for his niece.

It was nice that he was remembered that way.

My Doctor

I had my routine appt recently.

I told her what happened and she was sooo empathetic

Her: *Looks sad* Oh dear I’m so sorry..

She too, had lost her MIL 2 weeks ago, around CNY timing. And she was close to her. 

I said I was sorry too. 

Her: ‘*big sigh* It’s… shit right?’

Me laughing: ‘Yes, it’s shit.’

Her: ‘Grief is never easy. If you have access to counselors go for it, I’m considering for myself too. ‘ she paused.

She asked if I took the week off. I said yeah, I’m back work on Thursday. 

And before I left she said:

‘Take as much time as you need. 

Be gentle with yourself.’

I appreciated that. 

The diagnosis

A week after he passed, my eldest came over, and was chatting with my youngest.

I went out to join them.

The doctor from the hospital finally called back, to update on what actually happened.

Single cell carcinoma.

An extremely aggressive form of cancer. And had Low chance of surviving even with chemo.

That started from the lung, and spread to his kidney, testis, and lastly his brain.

There was a mixture of shock and relief.

Shocked that it was actually cancer all along.

Ayah’s side of the family had lots of cancer diagnosis.

While my Mum’s side was all heart problems.

I told my brothers ‘Then we kena all the combo’

Haha.

Ultimately there was also relief, and we accepted that we did not want him to go through all that suffering.

Didn’t hurt to be a bit optimistic at this point.

JoJo

A nice reply from JoJo.  Did not expect a reply at all! Someone that related to this grief strongly, and an idol that I really look up to.

After that week of grieving, we were thankful.
Like the grief has been cushioned by all these visitors grieving too.

My dad will always be remembered for his outgoing personality, and humour. 

He will be missed by many.

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Hilary Duff - The Optimist

Last night I went to see a hypnotist
Asked her to teach me not to dream
I've got too much I think about
An overdrawn account of people
I've been too afraid to need

She said, "I'm no history revisionist
And there's some things I can't undo
You've got a tiny splinter on
The tip of your finger
It demands all the attention in the room"

I wish I could sleep on planes
And that my father would really love me
He'd show up on my wedding day
And tell my family they're all so lucky
He'd tell me how he wish he'd stayed
And that he never meant to disappoint me
But till then I'll exist as the optimist

I was an emotional architect
Who knew your dimensions more than you
I learned which way you turned your back
To let go of eye contact
And which bottles made you feel most immune

I wish I could sleep on planes
And that my father would really love me
I wouldn't have to feel such shame
Around how often and how deep it cuts me
He'd call me almost every day
How's the weather? Are you eating, honey?
But till then I'll exist as the optimist

I know a dirty little magic trick
To disappear and disconnect
Maybe I learned it from the best
Thank you, I guess
Yeah, if you saw it I bet I'd earn your respect

I wish I could sleep on planes
And that my father would really love me
It wouldn't take his dying day
Some sort of signature that he needs from me
My door is open just in case
You don't even have to say you're sorry
I already forgive you for all of it
But it's hard to exist as the optimist