This year has been such an emotional ride. I think I say that every year. Haha. Right now i'm typing this from my balcony. A place I never thought I'd have the courage to hang out again because of all the memories it had. Now, in this moment, all those memories are blurred. Things have changed. I, have changed. I'm not afraid anymore.
Let's look back at 2014…
- The first few months, I was going through grieve. I was going through phases, feeling positive one day, and feeling damn depressed the next. Everything I did, reminded me of that someone. No matter how hard I tried to forget. I took about 4 months to get over those feelings.
- I started recording music seriously and in my most professional ways possible. And I released MY FIRST MIXTAPE!! LovEran :) It was such an amazing experience!!
- Had amazing birthday celebrations in school. I felt so loved and touched that people would go that far to make me happy and feel appreciated. :)
- I planned & ran.. MY FIRST CAMP!!! HEHE. Being in the Exco, it was a hell of a ride. So many conflicts. So many problems. So many breakdowns. But with all the friendships on my side, it was the best feeling EVER. I still love them till this day <3
- I… learned to love again. It was tough. But there were so many, that have come and go. And those that stayed.. I really treasure with all my heart.
- I've broken hearts. I've learnt to let go. And I've learnt to say NO at the RIGHT timings.
- I've finished SCHOOOL!!!! Just left with finishing my internship and i'm outta here.
- I got stalked this year. LOL. Who would have thought it would happen to me? That was a crazy night.
- I've been more open with people.. And that's a good thing. :)
-Year 3: The year where people finally show their true colours. I've made friends, and I've lost friends. It was a lot of filtering to do. And it doesn't matter, because those that mean the most, will always stay close. :)
- I've been.. working out. In my own ways. ;) LOL.
- I've had the best staycations of my life!!!!! :')
- I've explored myself sexually in ways that I cannot imagine nor say. HAHA.
- And I've overcome my fear… Of meeting an asshole. And getting my fucking jacket back. :)
I've accomplished a lot this year.
And I've never felt more confident in my own skin.
Here's to 2015.
Happy New Years.
Love, Eran.
I'm not afraid anymore.
I think I'm finally.. clean.
Current Song Mood: Taylor Swift - Clean
The drought was the very worst When the flowers that we'd grown together died of thirst It was months, and months of back and forth You're still all over me like a wine-stained dress I can't wear anymore
Hung my head as I lost the war, and the sky turned black like a perfect storm
Rain came pouring down when I was drowning That's when I could finally breathe And by morning gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean
There was nothing left to do When the butterflies turned to dust that covered my whole room So I punched a hole in the roof Let the flood carry away all my pictures of you
The water filled my lungs, I screamed so loud but no one heard a thing
Rain came pouring down when I was drowning That's when I could finally breathe And by morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean I think I am finally clean Said I think I am finally clean
10 months sober, I must admit Just because you're clean don't mean you don't miss it 10 months older, I won't give in Now that I'm clean I'm never gonna risk it
The drought was the very worst When the flowers that we'd grown together died of thirst
Rain came pouring down when I was drowning That's when I could finally breathe And by morning gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean
Rain came pouring down when I was drowning That's when I could finally breathe And by morning gone was any trace of you I think I am finally clean Finally clean Think I'm finally clean Think I'm finally clean
Today I spent my day off, and all my free time, at a safe haven.
It was nice to get a break from work. To be carefree, and just.. surround myself with love.
It's been such an exhausting month for me. I needed this time for myself. To love and be loved. All the past experiences, the bloggings and flashbacks of the past posts have been really exhausting to relive. The memories… All the special moments. It's like a million memories rushing through my mind. It's taken a toll on me.
I didnt want it to end. I didnt want to leave. Knowing that I have to face work tomorrow..ugh. I just wish I could stay there forever. I really needed this. To be in someone's loving arms. To look in someone's eyes with such love. To just be able to close my eyes and forget all the worries I have in the world.
Thank you for letting me experience this.
I just hope that I didnt give it away too fast.
I just hope, that I made the right decision.
This is to all the past individuals that have broken me time and time again...
I swear to God I'm moving on.
xxx
Love, Eran.
I think that it's over.
It's finally.. over.
:')
Current Song Mood: Chris Brown - X
If you're only as good as the company you keep Then I'm a blame you for what they say about me (Free your mind, and let your conscience be free) When I was by myself I was fast asleep Since you came around I've been up for weeks (Free your mind, and let your conscience be free) Yi-yi-X, I've been with the wrong crowd I can make you a believer, if I turn the nonsense down I keep my secrets in a safehouse, better if I don't speak Devil's tryna tempt me, they just outline my shape out Place me at the crime scene I can see from this high up, you ain't got a heart girl Privacy is for the cheater obviously you're deceiving
[Pre-Hook:] I know I know just who you are You put me on lay away You just love to heart shop I think that it's over I think that it's over
[Hook:] I swear to God I'm moving on (Mm, back up) I ain't go back no more, I ain't go back no more I ain't go back no more, I ain't go back no more (I ain't tripping of you you you you) I ain't go back no more, I ain't go back no more (I ain't tripping of you you you) I ain't go back no more, I ain't go back no more
[Bridge:] You just start a fight, I ain't fighting back I'm cool with it I, simply came here to party Why, would I trip off that bullshit, when I'm on that good shit I swear to God I'm moving on (Mm, back up)
Substitute love for a better thing I deal with my pain like a lonely child I didn't build these walls for you to piss all on my past oh Go ahead burn it down, I'm a build me another one All these clouds...
This post is about an individual that… I unexpectedly fell for. I feel like this is one of my most personal posts yet… These 3 songs represented those situations. This is our story, F.A.
*flashback*
We had been contacting each other for a while, and you wanted to meet up for dinner. It was on a Friday. Coincidentally, on the same day, I met with another person in the afternoon, but we didnt get to do anything.
So on the meeting day, we were supposed to meet at 4.30. But you delayed and delayed until like.. 6. Because you had to test your new laptop out and blablabla. Lucky I didnt go out yet. But I was already prepared. You weren't even sorry and you really got on my nerves. I was *THIS* close to cancelling the meet-up. But I something told me to just go ahead with it.
So I did.
We met at Woodlands tapping gantry. You looked different from your pictures. Better, to be honest. More.. rugged. We decided to go to Clementi instead to get some art stuff for your friend's birthday card. A doraemon card. During the train ride, you tried to talk to me. You told me your views of me. How.. quiet I was. How you saw me as someone 'holy' haha. Holy shit you mean? We talked about school, family, life. We reached Clementi, went to Artfriend. And you went to buy your stuff.
I on the other hand, was looking for a notebook. LOL. Cause attachment was starting.
And I got this:
Remember this? I still use it. It means a lot to me.
So we bought our stuffs, then we went to Clementi's Fish & Co. Wanted to try it out cause I never ate there before. Hehe. And you said you'd treat me cause you were late, so I gladly accepted. ;)
So. We queued up. Got our seats and ordered our dinner. We chatted more.. We talked about our past relationships. You told me how cute I was. How popular I must be in school. LOL. How wrong you were..
We proceeded to settle the bill. And you panicked because something was wrong with your card. You were so embarrassed, but I swear I didnt mind paying first. You then insisted on going to the atm to pay me back. And you did. We went home after that. Took the train.. and you bumped into a friend, who chatted with you. Before that, you asked if we could… 'lepak'.
I was contemplating. But then.. I decided to go for it. We reached Woodlands. You looked at me, and I got up. We went out together. Down the escalator, we walked. And walked. In the darkness. Towards a nearby school.
'You sure you wanna do this?'
'Yeah.'
We looked around for people. We got inside. And we had the time of our lives.
We walked out of the building. You said this to me:
'Is this gonna be.. a one-time thing? Where you stop contacting me after this?'
Me: 'No. Usually, it's the other party who will stop contacting me.'
We kept on walking and talking.
You: 'You're so cute. You know that?'
Me: 'There are other good-looking guys.'
You: *rolls eyes*
'That phrase should be banned.'
Haha.
We walked to the bus interchange and took the bus together.
You sent me to my place. Under my block. And you looked at me. And I stared in yours eyes. And I wanted to… but I was too shy. So we said our goodbyes. I blushed and I went home.
And I texted you.. and confessed.
I don't know why, but I had a really strong liking to you.
I want you, I want you I want you, I want you I want you, I want you
Let me introduce myself Let me introduce myself Let me introduce myself
Lookin' in your eyes makes me wonder how I got so much time with you and there's more around I know all the competition that's after you So I get to thinking, is this too good to be true?
That we're living In a fairytale no malice and no lies Baby, oh, it's hard to believe All the love you have inside is only mine That's how I know
I can't be your only one No, I can't be your only one 'Cause you look twice as good as anyone I ever met And your love is three times better, how could anyone forget? No, I can't
I can't be your only one No, I can't be your only one 'Cause you look twice as good as anyone I ever met And your love is three times better, how could anyone forget? No, I can't
As I'm layin' down with you every night It still gets to me that you remain by my side I ain't saying that I'm not deservin' of you But I was dreaming bigger than I ever knew when I wished for living In a fairytale no malice and no lies Baby, oh, it's hard to believe That the love you have to give is only mine That's how i know
I can't be your only one No, I can't be your only one 'Cause you look twice as good as anyone I ever met And your love is three times better, how could anyone forget? No, I can't
I can't be your only one No, I can't be your only one 'Cause you look twice as good as anyone I ever met And your love is three times better, how could anyone forget? No, I can't
The next meet-up was during my attachment period. It was a Sunday. You promised to go dating, but your pay wasn't in yet, and you said you'd be willing to spend the whole day with me. So I decided to treat you instead. We went to the movies. I waited for you (as usual). Before that.. I sensed something. You called me. You sounded hesitant… like you wanted to tell me something. But when you heard that I went out already, you just went along with it.
I waited at Woodlands. And you came, looking as attractive as ever, in your jacket. And you had the best cologne on that I've ever smelled.
:)
As we walked in the cinema.. You promised. You promised to take me out again. To the Halloween Horror Night. To Gardens By The Bay. I had my hopes up high.
We watched The Maze Runner. (Amazing show btw).
For the first time, and based from my past experiences, I was surprised you weren't touchy with me. It was nice for once, to be able to concentrate on the movie. LOL.
After the movie, we went home.. I was expecting.. something. Anything. But nothing. You just wanted to send me home.
'No kinky stuff tonight' you said.
Me: 'Sure? ;)'
You: 'Haha, yes, sure.'
So we walked from Woodlands all the way to Admiralty. We kept quiet for a while. And I just kept staring at you. Thinking how great you looked in the moment. Right beside me.
You talked about going on your KL trip with your friends. I was gonna miss you. We walked to the blocks nearby my house, and sat down at a bench.
You suddenly said this…
You: 'I'm afraid of commitment.'
And I said: 'Well, I never had the chance to be committed'.
You: 'Why?'
Me: 'They left before I could.'
We sat silently for a long time. And then I yawned.
You: 'OKAY, its time for you to go home.'
LOL.
We walked under my block again. This time.. we hid behind a wall. LOLOL. And we hugged.
'That's it..?'
I said as I looked at your eyes.
And you looked in mine. And you leaned in.
And sparks flew.
'See you. :)'
'Bye.'
I went home.. feeling like the luckiest guy alive. I was so in love. So happy..
I was a liar I gave into the fire I know I should've fought it At least I'm being honest Feel like a failure 'Cause I know that I failed you I should've done you better 'Cause you don't want a liar (come on)
And I know, and I know, and I know She gives you everything but, boy, I couldn't give it to you And I know, and I know, and I know That you got everything But I got nothing here without you
So one last time I need to be the one who takes you home One more time I promise after that, I'll let you go Baby, I don't care if you got her in your heart All I really care is you wake up in my arms One last time I need to be the one who takes you home
I don't deserve it I know I don't deserve it But stay with me a minute I swear I'll make it worth it Can't you forgive me? At least just temporarily I know that this is my fault I should've been more careful (come on)
And I know, and I know, and I know She gives you everything but, boy, I couldn't give it to you And I know, and I know, and I know That you got everything But I got nothing here without you, baby
So one last time I need to be the one who takes you home One more time I promise after that, I'll let you go Baby, I don't care if you got her in your heart All I really care is you wake up in my arms One last time I need to be the one who takes you home
I know I shouldn't fight it At least I'm being honest But stay with me a minute I swear I'll make it worth it 'Cause I don't want to be without you
So one last time I need to be the one who takes you home One more time I promise after that, I'll let you go Baby, I don't care if you got her in your heart All I really care is you wake up in my arms One last time I need to be the one who takes you home
One last time I need to be the one who takes you home
You changed after your holiday trip. You texted me lesser. You told me… that we should just be friends. For now. But you considered us as 'dating' already. My foot. -.-
You didnt even try and you knew that.
All the plans you promised we would do.. All scrapped. I was too used to this. Sometimes I don't understand why you'd bother texting me sometimes. Asking me if we could go jog together.. or have small talks or whatever. Why bother when it's all words and no action?
What was I to you?
For a period of time, I was lost, again. Just so lost…
I had that feeling. I had that feeling that we wouldn't last. All the signs we clear. You were hesitant about it from the start. You were afraid of commitment. Yet I was so hopeful..
And to be honest. I'm still hoping. I was gonna text you today.. but I didn't send the message. Because I knew you'd still feel indifferent. There's no point.
When you left for your overseas trip, I thought you'd be gone for good.
And I was right. Now you are.
Disappearing.
All that's left are the memories.
And.. my notebook.
You taught me about how committed I had to be in a relationship. How important that was. And honestly, this past few months, I've been having that issue. Now.. I know.
Love, Eran.
I hold on like leaves to what is left…
Current Song Mood: Chris Brown Ft Kendrick Lamar - Autumn Leaves
If you leave this time I fear that you'll be gone for good So I hold on like leaves in fall to what is left Said her father left her young and He said he'll be back with that same tone that you just said you'll stay forever with [Chorus:] It seems that all the autumn leaves are falling I feel like you're the only reason for it All the things you do, all the things you do, all the things you do All the things you do, all the things you do, all the things you do It seems that you're the only reason for it
I've been bleeding in your silence I feel safer in your violence I hold on like leaves in fall to what is left Before I sleep I talk to God He must be mad with me, it's coming I'm confused who'll I'll spend my forever with
[Chorus]
[Kendrick Lamar:] So the iceberg never broke And I poked at it and I poked at it and I poked at it And I poked and I poked and I poked at it But it stayed stagnant then I poked at it some more, some more And in my notepad, man I wrote and I wrote If I don't have it, if I don't grab it If it don't chip then a toe tag is, one last I'mma hope, I'mma hope so iceberg don't float If I do manage to do damage to you dammit It'd be grand as ten Grammies or my granny still standing With a note, a note that read "Granted, don't you panic." When you make mistakes the most, the most One day it'll make you grow, you grow When you outlandish and you lose manners To God you shall consult, consult When the bright cameras are still cramming In your face and it provoke, provoke You to act mannish, just stay planted Cause you reapin' what you sow Keep positivity in your heart and Keep a noose from 'round your throat and When you get mad and when you poke at it When you poke it at just know, man The iceberg is a reflection of you when you re-new your vision Just think if it had sunk Titanic, the fuck it would do to a critic, my nigga? Yeah, yeah, tell me, when doves cry do you hear 'em love? Do you hear 'em love? Do you hear 'em? And if my ship go down tell me who will abort? And they won't let me live even when remorse that I give When it gon' rejoice and forgive, tell me how I stay positive When they never see good in me Even though I got hood in me Don't mean he won't redeem me, Lord
My Mum and bro went for a 2-days holiday at Malaysia and I was getting worried because of all the recent events that's happened there. (The floods, the missing plane). And I even had a bad dream this morning: My Mum was crying in it. Like she was disappointed at something. Disappointed at me. And I started feeling guilty all day ._. Cause well… I haven't exactly been a good boy. Haha.
Well fast forward to 10.30pm when I reached home, there she was, waiting for me. And man, was I glad to see her again. I missed her. I didnt realise I missed her that much. ._. And her cooking. Lmao. Dad's been trying. But seriously. #HeTried. HAHA.
Appreciate your loved ones...
:)
My heart goes out to those affected by the AirAsia flight.
Today was a sucky day at work. SUCKY SUCKY SUCKY. I wanna suck something. But seriously I hated today. Felt so demoralised.
Anyways.
It was my babe, Fad's last day. This girl is such a joy to work with!! I'd sing in the ward sometimes HAHA. And she'd be around to laugh at me x) Her laugh is contagious I swear. And we clicked right away! (: I was reading through my cases, and felt someone slip her hand in my pocket. I looked down to find this.
Aww I was really upset that it was her last day. She really was the best. Like.. seriously. One of the best people I've ever met. So positive-thinking! I LOVE that kind of people. Me and a few other staff went to have a photo sesh. HAHA. And I was like.. teaching the selfie skillz, yo.
Sylvia was so into my eyelashes HAHA. She was like 'OMG' when she saw this pic I posted a few days ago:
Pouting lesson 101. She tried.. .LMAO.
No it's like this babe!!
That's riiight. ;)
RAAAWRGH.
This pic was nice but she had to ruin it LOL.
I'll miss you!!!
Well I missed out on something important while working lol. This note that I didnt see. And I read it during the time that I was feeling down. My mood was instantly lifted again. :')
:')
The best part: It had a Victoria's Secret perfume smell!! HAHA. Sneaky girl must have sprayed on it.
Will keep this reminder throughout the next few months. I'll need it.
Thank you. <3
Also, my kukubandungs.
HAHA omg so cute.
Love you guys so much.
Love, Eran.
Leave your lover. Leave him for me.
Current Song Mood: Sam Smith - Leave Your Lover
I don't have much to give, but I don't care for gold What use is money, when you need someone to hold? Don't have direction, I'm just rolling down this road Waiting for you to bring me in from out the cold
You'll never know the endless nights, the rhyming of the rain, Or how it feels to fall behind and watch you call his name
Pack up and leave everything, Don't you see what I can bring Can't keep this beating heart at bay Set my midnight sorrow free, I will give you all of me Just leave your lover, leave him for me. Leave your lover, leave him for me.
We sit in bars and raise our drinks to growing old Oh, I'm in love with you and you will never know, But if I can't have you I'll walk this life alone Spare you the rising storms and let the rivers flow
You'll never know the endless nights, the rhyming of the rain Or how it feels to fall behind and watch you call his name
Pack up and leave everything, Don't you see what I can bring Can't keep this beating heart at bay Set my midnight sorrow free, I will give you all of me Just leave your lover, leave him for me Leave your lover, leave him for me. Leave your lover, leave him for me.
The previous song, and this next song, is about an individual that I really liked (no shit right? lol).
But there was something about you. That I just… liked.
You were different. You were matured (at least I thought so) in your thoughts. You were independent. Didnt depend on anybody. Didnt give a shit. (Well that's different now that you've got someone.)
I bought you what you wanted. Took the pain of going all the way.. just so you could be happy. We met up twice in June. I was so into you. When I dropped by your place, I wanted to do.. things. But I felt the need to just take it slow. A few weeks later I confessed. And you said.. 'Keep your options wide.'
How could I keep my options wide, when you were my only option?
That's the only thought that kept running throughout my mind.
At a point of time, you kept complaining about all the 'toxic' around you. When you yourself didnt realise, that maybe you have turned toxic yourself. I realised how a pessimist you were at times. You were so bitter...
You know, you never did say you loved me back. Never. And I realised that. I realised that, it was a one-sided thing. And I was so used to that. So when you told me you were seeing someone, I wasn't surprise. Still, I was shattered. Broken again. But I moved on fast..
N, you were special to me. You still are.
You told me I was special to you…
That you'd never wanted to lose someone like me.
And then I knew.
I knew what that meant.
I guess we're just better off as friends huh?
Right? .. Right.
:)
Now, I'm so happy for you.
And your newfound lover.
I learned to be independent because of you.
I learned to love myself first.
So thank you.
<3
Love, Eran.
You will never know.
I'm certain.
I know what you'd say.
You'd say I'm sorry, believe me, I love you. But not in that way...
Current Song Mood: Sam Smith - Not In That Way
And I hate to say I love you When it's so hard for me And I hate to say I want you When you make it so clear You don't want me
I'd never ask you cause deep down I'm certain I know what you'd say You'd say I'm sorry believe me I love you but not in that way
And I hate to say I need you I'm so reliant I'm so dependant I'm such a fool
When you're not there I find myself singing the blues Can't bear Can't face the truth
You will never know that feeling You will never see through these eyes
I'd never ask you Cause deep down I'm certain I know what you'd say You'd say I'm sorry Believe me I love you But not in that way
You'd say I'm sorry Believe me I love you But not in that way
