Adult Size Medium

 Page 1574

Backdate to 16/3/26. 

I dreamt of my dad this morning. 

He came up to me in our living room, smiling, and passed me a cup of coffee he made. 

I was shocked to see him again, in his normal state. I broke down immediately.

I told him I missed him. I loved him. And to please forgive me.

He just smiled. And looked.. at peace. 

We hugged and he left the house. 

When I woke up, I had forgotten about it.

I went to the gym. And halfway through, I remembered.

I got very emotional, tears were forming and my throat was tight. 

I posted what I experienced online, and a lot of people reached out to me.

My mum came to know about it from my brother.

I told her yea.. But you know, it just happened to fast.

Maybe it was all in my head.

Maybe I dreamt about what I wanted to see.

Or maybe it was some sort of closure, as a lot of ppl would say.

The rest of that week, we busied ourselves. Making muruku for orders. For my workplace. I learned a lot from my Mum. And everyone loved it. My mum told me it was the most orders she had in a year.

Hari Raya came.

And everyone came to my house since my Mum couldnt go out.

It was nice to be with... family.

Something that I've always taken for granted.

Maybe just past traumas were holding me back from getting close to people.

I've always thought I would leave eventually...

It was very festive. The day before my dear friends dropped by to pass home-cooked lontong. So sweet. 

And the day it self was filled with more lontong and great food cooked by my Uncles and Aunties. 

I felt very blessed and grateful for my Mum. How her close relationship with her siblings helped her so much through this hard time..

She's very lucky.

My eldest brother did a thing. Where he took out allll our old photos and went through them with everyone. It was so nostalgic. I did not know my Dad took all those photos...  Wedding photos, Photos of me and my brothers when we were younger. Our late grandfathers and grandmothers. Damn, my parents looked good back then haha. It was like reliving the past. And I felt grateful to experience that. 

Around 6pm, my Mum received a call. It was my Lvl 5 neighbour. She broke the news that her husband passed, and was buried on the last day of Ramadan. I had chills. What.. were the odds?And I just stared at my Mum, as she was intensely talking to her. The fact that I had been the one to see them together for the last time, under my block as I sent my father to poly that fateful day. Who would've known? My dad had sang 'kita serupa (we are the same)' that day. Now they really were in the same place. The irony is just, wow. I got emotional. Life really works in mysterious ways

My dad's side came over in the evening. I've always avoided them, but for the first time, I finally got to connect with some of them. Mak Busu lost her husband same time as my Grandma back in 2017. And she saw how much he suffered from cancer. She was thankful that Ayah did not have to go through all of that. We solemnly agreed..

Throughout all the grieving, I learned that me & my Dad were much more alike than I thought. And that's something I'm always thinking about. Maybe I am, him.

Also, so so much rezeki since he passed. It was never-ending. Up until this day. I will always be in awe of that.

Last night

My father’s side came to visit yesterday. 

Pak Ngah (my dad’s 2nd eldest son in the family) and my close cousin (grew up with her and was in the same class during secondary school)

I remembered avoiding them in the past, for reasons I won’t say. But It was nice to see them again. Especially remembering how they were very present during my dad’s passing. I’ll remember that forever..

I sat down by my cousin, felt a bit awkward as I had not connected with her in a while, but she didn’t treat me like a stranger and we were able to talk about our jobs :)

As they had dinner, I took out our old photo albums and managed to find a few of theirs, esp Pak Ngah at his wedding day. They had a lot of fun looking through it hehe.

After their dinner I sat down at the couch, watching tv with Pak Ngah and my cousin.

Pak Ngah asked me about dialysis, and talked about his experience working as security together with my dad few years back. He said it was fun and chill. At times spooky. Nothing much to do honestly.

While talking, I just observed him. His wrinkled hands. Some sadness in his cloudy eyes. And wow, I saw so much of my dad in him… that made me pretty emotional. This was his brother. He’s getting old, too. I wonder what they feel, to see their own sibling pass. The pain must be the same, if not even more. Unmeasurable. 

He started recommending a show called ‘Cuci’ and that my dad was the one who introduced it to him. It was actually pretty great! For a Suria show. I could remember my Dad watching it in the living room, along with other random things. Hahah. 

After we said goodbye & they all left, I felt some sort of emptiness that I wasn’t sure I could explain. Just, sad. The living room was dark. The fan wasn’t on. 

Bella was perched on the sofa ledge, with her big & cute eyes, just staring at me.

I lied down on the sofa, facing her and we just looked at each other.. For the longest time.

And she purred.

‘You’re so precious,’ I stroked her little head. Feeling emotional…

Grief is never-ending, isn’t it? 

It comes in waves, and last night, I was feeling it strong. 

I think I will always be carrying this around with me… 

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Hilary Duff - Adult Size Medium

Air drying our sheets
Covering our gender
With an oversized fleece
Listening to records that meant something probably
When we were twenty-three and horny

Smiling with our teeth
Habitually repeating I'm a bad bitch, please
Us having no money was so fucking funny
It never got tired or boring

I'm pulling on holes
Of an adult size medium
The twenty year old me still in here
I'm waking up to a dream sequence
Sometimes I can't see me in it

Was it a sip of wine or Aperol
I remember everything and nothing at all
I'm waking up to a dream sequence
Sometimes I can't see me in it

Was any of it worth it after all?
Is my reflection someone else's I stole?
But if it's mine can I still keep it
If I can't see me in it

Texture on our skin
We were just at Beechers
With a guy to get in
Sweating out a fever
With our latest imprint
Then walking to the after party

Now on the other side
Of cherry-flavored ChapStick
There's some greyish highlights
Reminding me that nobody runs faster than time
It's heart breaking and reassuring
It's sinking in
I'm sinking in
I'm sinking

Pulling on holes
Of an adult size medium
I really don't know how I got here
I'm waking up to a dream sequence
Sometimes I can't see me in it

Was it a sip of wine or Aperol
I remember everything and nothing at all
I'm waking up to a dream sequence
Sometimes I can't see me in it

Was any of it worth it after all?
Is my reflection someone else's I stole?
But if it's mine can I still keep it?
If I can't see me in it

Try hards
Icons
Sunday mornings
Super Bowls
Turn Ons
Tampons
Edibles
And booty calls
I remember it all
And I remember nothing
How did we get here?
Was it luck or something?
Was it luck or something?

I remember it all
And I remember nothing
How did we get here?
Was it luck or something?
Was it luck or something?