The Optimist

 The aftermath

The next few days went by so fast..

I remembered waking up for sahur and it was just the 3 of us.

The stillness was deafening.

I switched on the radio, and we got on about our day. I took 1 week of leave.  3 days was not enough to recover.

My brothers and sister-in-law came over for buka everyday that week.

I was thankful for that.

It felt good.. to have company.

My mum brought out old picture books, of their younger days.

It was nice to look back at their past. Very sentimental.

We also had tons of visitors.

My colleagues, partner, friends, all took the time to come and visit, and I really appreciated it.

My close cousins came

It was nice to see them again.

I have been avoiding my relatives for some time.

But seeing their support made me very grateful.

I sat down with Nad and she rambled on about her work.

Haha, I’ll be honest, I zoned out too many times.

But it was till interesting to hear and catch up.

They left around 11+, and I left to throw out the thrash.

My neighour Susan

While throwing the trash, I bumped into Susan, a friendly neighbour that stayed near the lift area. She was coincidentally throwing out trash too.

She had poor eyesight and did not realise it was me.

‘How is your Dad’?

I braced myself.

The last she asked, a few weeks back, was when my Dad was transferring to TTSH.

‘Ah, I want to inform you, my dad passed…’

‘HAAA?!’

She grabbed my arm tightly, in disbelief.

Her eyes immediately watery.

‘What.. what happened’

I told her what happened.

She asked if she could come by, and went to get changed.

I went back inside and told my family.

Soon, she came in, and hugged and cried with my Mum.

She was so empathetic.

Having lost her own husband suddenly, 10 years ago.

She sat down on the couch. And had a wholesome talk with my Mum.

While us sons just say around and listened and joined in.

She told us to take care of our Mum.

And hugged her goodbye.

Lvl 5 Neighbour

During the time I sent my Dad to Polyclinic, while waiting for the car downstairs, we saw our lvl 5 neighbours. A Malay lady pushing her husband open on a wheelchair too. 

I remember the husband because he’s a dialysis patient. He looked much more shrivelled and sick now. And my dad funnily sang that they were ‘both the same’.

Till this day they remembered that, so it came to a shock to the wife when she heard.

She came up and visited us one of the day.

She was a really funny lady, very animated in her talking, and friendly.

I laughed a few times in her presence, and she had a great exchange with my Mum.

Cik Nah

Cik Nah was a long time friend of my mum.

She was the one that taught Mum how to make her famous meruku.

She suffered a stroke years ago, and was on a wheelchair now.

She took the effort to come all the way here, accompanied by her son and daughter.

I remembered going to their house when I was younger, and they’re all very much grown now.

We all sat in the living room and chatted, and it felt really nice.

Cik Nah’s own husband died suddenly a few years back, had a heart attack in bed during night.

She showed appreciation for my Dad, who used to send her and my Mum to religious + various classes for 1 year straight.

I remembered being in the car when I was younger, when my Dad sent them.

She was also a cat lady, and really loved meeting Bella :)

Charity

Found out from my eldest that my dad did some charity work for her niece’s school project and donated some money.

My eyebrows raised because it did not sound like him at all.

But maybe he had always had a soft spot for his niece.

It was nice that he was remembered that way.

My Doctor

I had my routine appt recently.

I told her what happened and she was sooo empathetic

Her: *Looks sad* Oh dear I’m so sorry..

She too, had lost her MIL 2 weeks ago, around CNY timing. And she was close to her. 

I said I was sorry too. 

Her: ‘*big sigh* It’s… shit right?’

Me laughing: ‘Yes, it’s shit.’

Her: ‘Grief is never easy. If you have access to counselors go for it, I’m considering for myself too. ‘ she paused.

She asked if I took the week off. I said yeah, I’m back work on Thursday. 

And before I left she said:

‘Take as much time as you need. 

Be gentle with yourself.’

I appreciated that. 

The diagnosis

A week after he passed, my eldest came over, and was chatting with my youngest.

I went out to join them.

The doctor from the hospital finally called back, to update on what actually happened.

Single cell carcinoma.

An extremely aggressive form of cancer. And had Low chance of surviving even with chemo.

That started from the lung, and spread to his kidney, testis, and lastly his brain.

There was a mixture of shock and relief.

Shocked that it was actually cancer all along.

Ayah’s side of the family had lots of cancer diagnosis.

While my Mum’s side was all heart problems.

I told my brothers ‘Then we kena all the combo’

Haha.

Ultimately there was also relief, and we accepted that we did not want him to go through all that suffering.

Didn’t hurt to be a bit optimistic at this point.

JoJo

A nice reply from JoJo.  Did not expect a reply at all! Someone that related to this grief strongly, and an idol that I really look up to.

After that week of grieving, we were thankful.
Like the grief has been cushioned by all these visitors grieving too.

My dad will always be remembered for his outgoing personality, and humour. 

He will be missed by many.

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Hilary Duff - The Optimist

Last night I went to see a hypnotist
Asked her to teach me not to dream
I've got too much I think about
An overdrawn account of people
I've been too afraid to need

She said, "I'm no history revisionist
And there's some things I can't undo
You've got a tiny splinter on
The tip of your finger
It demands all the attention in the room"

I wish I could sleep on planes
And that my father would really love me
He'd show up on my wedding day
And tell my family they're all so lucky
He'd tell me how he wish he'd stayed
And that he never meant to disappoint me
But till then I'll exist as the optimist

I was an emotional architect
Who knew your dimensions more than you
I learned which way you turned your back
To let go of eye contact
And which bottles made you feel most immune

I wish I could sleep on planes
And that my father would really love me
I wouldn't have to feel such shame
Around how often and how deep it cuts me
He'd call me almost every day
How's the weather? Are you eating, honey?
But till then I'll exist as the optimist

I know a dirty little magic trick
To disappear and disconnect
Maybe I learned it from the best
Thank you, I guess
Yeah, if you saw it I bet I'd earn your respect

I wish I could sleep on planes
And that my father would really love me
It wouldn't take his dying day
Some sort of signature that he needs from me
My door is open just in case
You don't even have to say you're sorry
I already forgive you for all of it
But it's hard to exist as the optimist