Guts Over Fear

Page 101 

Um. Hey. Well.. I've been thinking a lot. Hard. After last night's near-breakdown and the whole of today.. I realised how horrible & messed up I can get. And I guess the best way to grow up and learn is to push away your pride & ego, and acknowledge your mistakes. So I'm here to say, to anyone whom I've offended directly or indirectly, I'm truly, deeply, sincerely sorry.

This will be my last post before attachment starts. And it might just be the last one ever. I don't know if I want to continue blogging anymore.. I just think it's better to remain silent for now. But you can still find me on other social media platforms. Uhm. If I ever choose to come back, I hope to be a changed & better person. =)

So uh, this is it. Hope everyone is well and healthy. It's the flu season and I'm starting to fall sick. So take care of yourselves! And to my friends on attachment, all the best! :)

So yeah.. until next time. <3

Ps. This song of the day.. I feel like it was made for me.

Love, Eran.

Sorry.

Current Song Mood: Eminem Ft Sia - Guts Over Fear

Feels like a close, it's coming to

Fuck am I gonna do?

It's too late to start over

This is the only thing I, thing I know

Sometimes I feel like all I ever do is

Find different ways to word the same, old song

Ever since I came along

From the day the song called ''Hi! My Name Is'' dropped

Started thinking my name was fault

'Cause anytime things went wrong

I was the one who they would blame it on

The media made me the equivalent of a modern-day Genghis Khan

Tried to argue it was only entertainment, dawg

Gangsta? Naw, courageous balls

Had to change my style, they said I'm way too soft

And I sound like AZ and Nas, out came the claws

And the fangs been out since then

But up until the instant that I've been against it

It was ingrained in me that I wouldn't amount to a shitstain I thought

No wonder I had to unlearn everything my brain was taught

Do I really belong in this game? I pondered

I just wanna play my part, should I make waves or not?

So back and forth in my brain the tug of war wages on

And I don't wanna seem ungrateful or disrespect the artform I was raised upon

But sometimes you gotta take a loss

And have people rub it in your face before you get made pissed off

And keep pluggin', it's your only outlet

And your only outfit so you know they gonna talk about it

Better find a way to counter it quick and make it, ah

Feel like I've already said this a kabillion eighty times

How many times can I say the same thing different ways that rhyme?

What I really wanna say is, is there anyone else that can relate to my story?

Bet you feel the same way I felt when I was in the same place you are

I was afraid to

Make a single sound

Afraid I will never find a way out, out, out

Afraid I never before

I didn't wanna go another round

An angry man's power will shut you up

Trip wires fill this house with tip-toe love

Run out of excuses with every word

So here I am and I will not run

Guts over fear, (The time is here)

Guts over fear, (I shall not tear)

For all the times I let you push me around

And let you keep me down

(Now I got) Guts over fear, guts over fear

Feels like a close, it's coming to

Fuck am I gonna do?

It's too late to start over

This is the only thing I, thing I know

I know what it was like, I was there once, single parents

Hate your appearance, did you struggle to find your place in this world?

And the pain spawns all the anger on

But it wasn't until I put the pain in songs learned who to aim it on

That I made a spark, started to spit hard as shit

Learned how to harness it while the reins were off

And there was a lot of bizarre shit, but the crazy part

Was soon as I stopped saying "I gave a fuck"

Haters started to appreciate my art

And it just breaks my heart to look at all the pain I've caused

But what am I gonna do when the rage is gone?

And the lights go out in the trailer park?

And the window that was closing and there's nowhere else I can go with flows in

And I'm frozen cause there's no more emotion for me to pull from

Just a bunch of playful songs that I made for fun

So to the break of dawn here I go recycling the same, old song

But I'd rather make "Not Afraid 2" than making another mothafuckin' "We Made You" uh

Now I don't wanna seem indulgent when I discuss my lows and my highs

My demise and my uprise, pray to God

I just opened enough eyes later on

Gave you the supplies and the tools to hopefully use it to make you strong

And enough to lift yourself up when you feel like I felt

'Cause I can't explain to y'all how dang exhausted my legs felt

Just having to balance my damn self

But on eggshells I was made to walk

But thank you, ma, 'cause that gave me the

Strength to cause Shady-mania, so many empty that stadium

At least I made it out of that house and a found a place in this world when the day was done

So this is for every kid who all's they ever did was dreamt that one day just getting accepted

I represent him or her, anyone similar, you are the reason that I made this song

Everything you're scared to say don't be afraid to say no more

From this day on forward, just let them a-holes talk

Take it with a grain of salt and eat their fucking faces off

The legend of the angry blonde lives on through you when I'm gone

And to think I was gone

I was afraid to

Make a single sound

Afraid I will never find a way out, out, out

Afraid I never before

I didn't wanna go another round

An angry man's power will shut you up

Trip wires fill this house with tip-toe love

Run out of excuses with every word

So here I am and I will not run

Guts over fear, (The time is here)

Guts over fear, (I shall not tear)

For all the times I let you push me around

And let you keep me down

(Now I got) Guts over fear, guts over fear

Personal

Page 100

Hello. To start this 100th post off, I wanna do this 100-questions thingy I found from the internet hehehe.

1. Last kiss - 9 months ago
2. Last phone call - Yesterday
3. Last text message - 5 mins ago
4. Last song you listened to - Ariana Grande - My Everything
5. Last time you cried - last month, the day before fasting started.

HAVE YOU EVER: 
6. Dated someone twice - Lol uhm.. Kinda. But no I guess not.
7. Been cheated on - I probably did.
8. Kissed someone & regretted it - Yep.
9. Lost someone special - Yeah..
10. Been depressed - Definitely did.
11. Been drunk and threw up - Never.

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU: 
12. had sex - Does masturbating count.
13. How many people have you had sex with this year? - What kind of sex? LOL.
15. Made a new friend - Lots. =)
17. Laughed until you cried - Yes.
18. Met someone who changed you -Yep.. :)
19. Found out who your true friends were - OHHH DEFINITELY. Year 3 = true colours come out.
20. Found out someone was talking about you - Lol yes..
26. What did you do for your last Birthday - Well I had school. But I was surprised 3 times over 2 days by my friends haha. <3
27. What time did you wake up today - 11am
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for - For JoJo to finally release her highly-anticipated 3rd album.
30. Last time you saw your all of your siblings at the same time - Very rarely actually o_o a couple months ago i guess.
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life - Get motivated to workout
32. What are you listening to right now - Ariana Grande's newest album!!
33. When is the last time you had sex? - Ahem. I'm a virgin la.
34. Who’s getting on your nerves right now - My family.
35. Most visited webpage - Twitter
36. Favorite colour - Baby Blue
37. Nicknames - Eran, Syah
38. Relationship Status - Friends with benefits (epp)
39. Zodiac sign - Aquarius
40. Male or female - Male
41. Primary school - Peixin Primary School
42. Secondary School - Canberra Primary School
43. High school/college - Ngee Ann Polytechnic I guess.
44. Eye color - Black
46. Height - 160cm
47. Do you have a crush on someone - Yes.
48. What do you like about yourself - My eyes and eyelashes.
49. Piercings - I have a piercing voice does that count? LOL.
50. Tattoos - None.
51. Righty or lefty - Righty!

FIRSTS: 
53. First piercing - Nil
54. First best friend - WHO SIA.. HMMMM. I guess that would be Amirul in Sec School!
55. First hookup - An online stranger.
56. First heartbreak - 9 months ago, by thee who shall not be named.

RIGHT NOW: 
59. Eating - Nope
60. Drinking - Nope
61. I’m about to - sleep
62. Listening to - music
63. Waiting for - A text message that probably won't come.

YOUR FUTURE: 
64. Want kids? - Yes. 3 kids pls.
65. Get married? - Yes :)
66. Career - Recording Artist/Flight Steward/Nurse/Police-Detective

WHICH IS BETTER: 
67. Lips or eyes - Eyes
68. Hugs or kisses - Hugs
69. Shorter or taller  - Same height pls.
70. Older or Younger - Same age can?
71. Romantic or spontaneous - Spontaneous
72. Nice stomach or nice arms - nice stomach. Aiya both also can laa HAHA.
73. Sensitive or loud - Sensitive. I can't stand loud people, sorry.
74. Hook-up or relationship - Relationships of course.

HAVE YOU EVER: 
76. Kissed a stranger - Yes
77. Drank hard liquor - No.
78. Lost glasses/contacts - Nope.
79. Had sex - Why u keep asking me this hais.
80. Broken someone’s heart - Yes..
82. Been arrested - No
83. Turned someone down - Countless times.
84. Cried when someone died - Yeah.
85. Fallen for a friend - Yeap.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 
86. Yourself - Sometimes. I guess it's something I need to do more. If I don't, who will?
87. Miracles - Yes
88. Love at first sight - Yep. That was in.. Sec 2 hahaha.
89. Heaven - Yes!
90. Santa Clause - No cause I never get any presents. :( Or maybe I've been too naughty..
91. Kiss on the first date - Not necessary.
92. Angels - Yes :)
93. How would you label yourself? - Introvert, Sentimental, Dreamer
94. Someone You Pray Everyday For - My parents and grandmother.
95. Did you sing today - Hahaha yeah ;)
96. Who From All Your Ex’s have You Cared The Most About - Never been in an official relationship.. but the last one was pretty special to me. 
97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go? - Back to 2011
98. Out Of Everything In The World What Do You Wish For - No poverty in the world.
99. Are you afraid of falling in love? - No, not anymore. Just more cautious.
100. Do you like the way you look? - I have my flaws, but I do love myself. :)

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Hahaha been years since I've done this! Umm due to some unexpected events (last night) some facts above that were written a few days ago are subjected to change. Ahem.

So yeah, my week has been.. interesting. Completed my last exams of the sem (And my poly life). WOOHOO. Been recording music, meeting new people, and just being me & enjoying life. =) Heh..

Well okay. I'm gonna be a bit personal. People come and go in my life. I'm used to it. You came at a really hard period in my life. But you left.. and then you came back. And I was really surprised. Because there wasn't anyone like you. I know how you are now. Your character, your weird personality. I understand. But I've tolerated long enough. I really really wanted to see you again. Hang out, have fun. Like we used to. But you don't even seem interested anymore. I really don't know how to speak to you now. There's only so much I can take. There's only so long I can wait. And it's making me feel like I deserve so much better. And that's sad considering how I feel about you. Please don't get me wrong. I'm probably overreacting. You know how an emotional wreck I can be. My feelings have never changed. But one day they will. The question is, are you gonna let that happen?

I feel like.. I'm a complete different person this year. Maybe it's still too early to say but, yeah. I feel kinda more edgier & bold now. Rough around the edges.. but if you treat me right, I'll give you the best of me.

Well.. gonna savour my last remaining day before work starts. Probably have *no plans* tomorrow. Lol. Ciao!

Love, Eran.

There's only so much I patience I can have waiting on you.. Chances I'm giving are running low. I know what I want. Do you?

This song's for you.

Current Song Mood: Tori Kelly - Personal (Live)

What am I gunna do with this heart?
Catching all these bad arrows and darts.
I don't wanna be lonely, but I know what I want.

Maybe this train has run out of steam,
Cuz there's nothing but nothing between you and me.
I don't wanna see you lonely, but I know what I want.
And it ain't you no more.

Spend my whole life looking for the one I could call,
Wasted all my time on you, trying to make this beautiful.
But it's clear to see, you don't love me at all.
Baby, go ahead and say it. I won't take it personal.

 If you don't stop to count your blessings.
One day you'll wake up and find them missing.
I don't wanna leave you lonely,
But you gotta know what you want.

If you want a love that's only pretend,
Baby you should've bought a Barbie and Ken.
Well my heart's not a toy to play with, now it knows what it wants.
And it ain't you no more.

Spend my whole life looking for the one I could call,
Wasted all my time on you, trying to make this beautiful.
But it's clear to see, you don't love me at all.
Baby, go ahead and say it. I won't take it personal.

But then again maybe I will, but we do it all for the thrill.
Does part of you love me still?
No scratch that, say goodbye seal the deal.
Real is what you want now don't ya?
But I'm not the one now for ya
This was already over before it began so walk away

I spend my whole life looking for the one I could call,
Wasted all my time on you, trying to make this beautiful.
But it's clear to see, you don't love me at all.
Baby, go ahead and say it. I won't take it personal.

Wasted all my time on you, trying to make this beautiful.
But it's clear to see, you don't love me at all.
Baby, go ahead and say it. I won't take it personal.

I don't want to be lonely, I know what I want.

Lullaby

Page 99

Hey guys! It's been a while since I've blogged haha. Basically I took time off for myself the past few days. It's study week so there's no school =) I've been doing a lot of recording and studying. Well actually, more recording than studying. HAHA. No regrets though, I've covered some pretty cool songs. =) I just recently released a collab with my senior, who is such an amazing rapper. So check our 'Best Mistake' cover out!

Some highlights from the past week:

- My cousins came over my house last Saturday. It was nice to see everyone over haha. Haha lots of hilarious moments, such as using Fad's phone to stalk his gf on Instagram with Nad. HAHA. Then Fad found out then took away his phone ._. Then Nad blamed me and kept beating me walaooo HAHA. I also managed to record a couple of covers with Fad! Haha he was really so enthusiastic about recording and I taught him the ropes. :)

You can check out some of our covers on my Soundcloud/Youtube! =)

- On Sunday: Something happened that made me feel so damn shy hahaha. But it's only between me and Fad. ;) Shhh.

- On Tuesday, went out for ZAMZAM!! With my classmates hahaha. Since we all passed our prac, Mr Brandon had to keep to his promise and treat us. :3 Ate sooo much. We then walked around, found a place to sheesha. (Don't worry I didnt) and lepak there till like.. 5-6pm. Some of my classmates then parted ways, while the rest of us went to Bugis to shop. Never really explored the whole area tbh. Got myself a new cardigan! Hehe. We even went inside a sex shop. Omg HAHA. Had such great fun with good company. :)

See that shiny botak head ._.

Hungry faces!!!

Testing Ecah's dual camera haha.

Photobombed at the back. ._.

We kuuuuul.

- Went Raya with a small group of friends on Thursday!! Haha. It was pretty impromptu and I actually wanted to gym on that day. ._. But.. oh wells. It's okay to be fat once in a while HAHA.

So I met up with Gf at Yishun Interchange, while waiting for Sof and Yx. We then took the bus to her house.

Tom (her cat) was so lazy pls. Kept sleeping at the door haha. And it didnt even care if you disturbed it. ._. And Gf's siblings were really cute and nice haha.

Tom >_<

Same eyes la ._.

Gf so cute like some princess hahaha.

Went to Sasa's house next. Sasa took her bike, so we went of first. Then there was this motor bike coming from far and I thought it was her, so I shouted 'Bye Sasa!'. Turns out it was some other apek laaa. HAHAHA!!! Anyways, we cabbed to her place. Her niece was sooo cute laa. But she was so shy hahaha. She eventually started 'breaking free' when we took photographs of her. Why? Cause she started posing HAHA. And her Mum was like 'There she goes..'

Idky she stared at me like that ._.

Next was.. Sofia's house! On the way there, we had this fun bus ride HAHAHA. We were all so high! Yx put my on a seatbelt. ._. Then we use Sofia's umbrella and pretended were riding a roller coaster HAHAHA. Such madness.

Get out me bus. ._.

Yx where's your eyes. ._.

My face. ._.

That lady sleeping though.. ._.

I somehow love my eyebrows and cheekbones here .-.

We sho cute here.

Ok lemme tell you, I've never been in a private property apartment before, and Sof's house was really.. WOW!!!! So big pls. ._. Damn nice sia. And Choco (her kitten) was SOOO CUTE! Got to take selfies of it while the rest were busy updating their love life. (And GF was emotionally distraught too cause of her PMS. HAHAHA)

SO CUTE PLS IT WAS LITERALLY SLEEPING AGAINST MY HAAAND AAAAHH!

Imma lick you hohoho ._.

Caught itself on camera!

Smile! xx

Haha it was sooo fun. Eventually managed to catch the train home before the service stopped.

Ended with selfies with GF. :*

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Well that's all the updates for now. Lately I've been facing some obstacles.. family and financially-related. But I'm not gonna air my problems out here. I'm sure it will work out somehow. In the meantime.. I'm just gonna focus on my studies and passion. Well I'm going to reach my 100th post, so I was thinking of making it a bit special.. =) *winkwink*

Love, Eran.

This song's for you, Dad.

Current Song Mood: Professor Green Ft Tori Kelly - Lullaby

[Hook: Tori Kelly]

All the times I have layed in your life

When your love kept me safe through the night

All the time, I was sure you were mine

And before time demands our goodbye

Can you sing me a last lullaby?

[Verse 1: Professor Green]

It's been a while since I last dreamt

Barely remember what it's like to dream

Finding it hard to get to sleep, too stressed

And there ain't anyone to sing a lullaby to me

Pretend shit doesn't get to me

And I suffer in silence when I'm hurting

A man's problems are his own

And it's my burden

Tossing and turning, trying to get to sleep

But I find it hard to switch off when my mind's working

I ponder on things I shouldn't ponder on

Off the rails, my train of thought's wandering

Sick of pretending to be so happy

All the while my anxiety's away at me

My skin crawling, I look up to the sky

And it falls, the walls close in and it's

As if all of the good in my life disappears

In an instant, that thing is just so distant

So seeing the ones who I love, the ones who love me

But I don't wanna tell em how I feel in case they judge me

It's just me, wish I could let somebody in

But I ain't ever been too trusting

[Hook: Tori Kelly]

[Verse 2: Professor Green]

I've barely had any sleep when I get up

Sick of all these nightmares and these night terrors

Like it's only when I'm in heaven that I sleep better

Might sleep better when I get up, I'm weak

It just makes my day harder, I wonder if

It would've been any different if I had a father that I knew

Could it have helped shape the way that I grew?

But the point of things I never have went from

Being a reason for the things that I do

To just being an excuse that I'd use

I've gotta take responsibility for the things I do

Find something other than negativity for my fuel

But I feed off it, even when I don't seem bothered

I hide everything that's going on inside

It's been a while since I've been honest, I need help

But I deny it and even lie to myself like I'm fine

[Hook: Tori Kelly]

[Bridge: Professor Green]

I just wish someone would tell me it would be OK

But pessimism leads me to believe that it won't

To see even a glimmer of hope in the darkness

Is hard and depression is a slippery slope

I don't wanna do what my dad did with a rope, though

So I carry on even though it's hard to

The only thing that's definite is death and things always change

As long as you give em a chance to

[Hook: Tori Kelly]

(Can you sing me a last lullaby?)

[Hook: Tori Kelly]