Jaded

Page 1062

I don't know..

Why you came in my dreams.

The moment I saw you.

I gave you, the biggest hug ever.

It was sincere. Genuine.

And it felt like.. nothing changed.

But no.

That was 3 years ago.

Why the fuck would I feel that way again?

You played me.

You left.

I stayed and bled.

All these flashbacks.

All those things I did for you.

For what?

Dirty. Shameful. Crazy.

Maybe that's why I'm like this today.

Maybe it's why.. I'm jaded.

..

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Drake - Jaded

[Drake (Ty Dolla $ign):]
Ayy, yeah
Dogs on this side, dogs over on this side
Yeah

Leaving me (leaving me)
Dippin' out on me (on me)
Already got what you needed, I guess
Quickly (quickly) learned yourself through me (through me)
Already gave you what you needed, I guess (ooh, yeah)
I guess, (yeah) yeah
That's why I'm not with nobody (ooh, yeah)
'Cause I don't wanna hurt nobody (ooh, yeah)
Did it over text, didn't call me (ooh, yeah)
Still got love for you, mami
I know you wanna be somebody (body)
Even if you gotta leave somebody, yeah

Yes I'm hurting, yes I'm jaded (jaded)
Most of these things, I don't wanna say (jaded)
I wanna be around while you chasin' (while you chasin' it)
You wanna hit me up when you make it
You'll try and come back when you famous
I always want the truth, but it's dangerous (dangerous, oh)
You got something real, not basic (ooh, yeah)
You wanna get with me, stop
Yes I'm hurting, yes I'm jaded (jaded)
Most of these things, I don't wanna say (say)
I wanna be around while you chasin' (wanna be around, wanna be around)
You wanna hit me up when you make it (ooh, yeah)
You'll try and come back when you famous (back around, back around)
I always want the truth, but it's dangerous (dangerous)
You got something real, not basic
You wanna get with me, stop (playin')

Yeah
Dogs on this side, dogs over on this side (ooh, yeah, ooh, yeah, ooh, yeah)
Ayy
Told me about all your insecurities, for what?
Dragged me like two hours to your family's house, for what?
Said you need some time, but I should stick around, for what?
Always felt like stickin' 'round's the same as being stuck
And like guns with the inkin', you're getting under my skin
Pretty little young thing (young thing)
Had a nigga convinced, got me too excited
Yeah
You played me
You played me, you played me
Low down, dirty
Shameful, crazy
I need to know how the new nigga you got does the same thing
I do for a living but is way less wavy
How you even managin' to keep straight faces in all the pictures that I seen lately
Lord knows you still look amazing
That's besides the point I'm making
You're way too opinionated, have to force it, have to fake it
You have potential, I could've shaped it
You went and caved in (ooh, yeah)
We could've waited
I wasn't rushing
Differences in ages
You're old enough, but you're still a baby
You've shared stories where you did amazin'
Things to be loyal, things to be patient
That was before me, I must've changed it
Shifted your focus, lens lookin' jaded (jaded)

Most of these things, I don't wanna say
I wanna be around while you chasin' (while you chasin')
You wanna hit me up when you make it
You'll try and come back when you famous (back around, back around)
Dogs on this side, dogs over on this side
You wanna get with me, stop (playin')

Conduit

Page 1061

I really I hope I get it.

This role... it's so important to me.

I feel like...

It's a calling.

Like a conduit in my soul.

It's just.. something I have to do.

I... took a wrong turn tonight.

But I guess I was just desperate.

Desperate of... the attention.

I wish there were better ways.

I wish.

But I'm just no good..

..

Maybe I'm wrong.

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Of Methodist - Conduit

[Verse 1]
I took a wrong turn
It's always up to you how far we go
Don't get me wrong
None of it was known to us before
Maybe I'm wrong
Did the things I didn't mean to you
I'm carving from stone
Made another heart to call your home

[Chorus]
Cuz I'm no good for (you)
I'm not good for (for)
Maybe I'm wrong
Maybe I'm wrong

[Verse 2]
I'm too slow but I can't run before I walk
Or take a fall, cuz we are not written in stone
Not written on a sidewalk
But one thing is sure
Maybe I'm wrong
Did the things I didn't mean to you
I'm carving from stone
Made another heart to call your home

[Chorus]
Cuz I'm no good for (you)
I'm not good for (for)
Maybe I'm wrong
Maybe I'm wrong

Love You Lately

Page 1060

I felt myself spiralling down again.

But I couldnt afford to.

So I slapped some sense into myself in the morning.

Is it because I keep pushing people away?

I can't help it..

Jealousy is a childish game.

Yet why do I feel this way?

I see people around me all happy.

Yet I still feel this way.

I've been avoiding toxic apps and casual hook ups.

Yet I still feel way.

What's the trigger?

Maybe it's you.

But I guess you're better off with someone new.

I guess I don't love you lately.

Cause.. I know I can't.

I.. can't.

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Ariana And The Rose, RKCB - Love You Lately

[Verse 1]
Sleep it off and sweat it out
I hope that you feel better now that my heart’s aching
And my mind’s racing

I’ve been up thinking all night wondering what you’re keeping inside
I reach for your hand but you pull away
And it might not be the right time
You need to know what’s on my mind
I don’t understand why you pull away

[Chorus]
I can feel you watch me in the morning
I don’t need to give you any warning
Guess I just don’t love you lately
Guess I just don’t love you lately
Always let the distance come between us
Never on your side without a reason
Guess I just don’t love you lately
Guess i just don’t love you lately

[Verse 2]
Why did you have to bring it up?
I’ve been aiming steady for a better love
Till you changed my mind with your vacant eyes

I fought for such a long time, you never seem to be on my side
I reach for your hand, you push me away
It’s not just me and my pride, I’m never the one who’s looking for a fight
I don’t understand why you push away

[Chorus]
I can feel you watch me in the morning
I don’t need to give you any warning
Guess I just don’t love you lately
Guess I just don’t love you lately
Always let the distance come between us
Never on your side without a reason
Guess I just don’t love you lately
Guess I just don’t love you lately

[Bridge]
I guess I don’t love you lately
I guess I don’t, I guess I don’t
I guess I don’t love you lately, I guess I don't
(Don’t have a reason to stay, I guess I don’t)
Guess I don’t, I guess I don’t
I never know what to say
I never know, I never know
(Don’t know what you want from me, I never know)
I never know what to say, I never know

[Chorus]
Cause I can feel you watch me in the morning
I don’t need to give you any warning
Guess I just don’t love you lately
Guess I just don’t love you lately
Always let the distance come between us
Never on your side without a reason
Guess I just don’t love you lately
Guess I just don’t love you lately

Growing Pains

Page 1059

Another weekend gone by just like that.

Sigh.

Sometimes  I wonder.

What are we living for?

Just work?

Just money?

No..

I believe..

There HAS to be something beyond that.

I want to live.

For a purpose.

Have my own personal goals and dreams to chase.

And I know it's not gonna be easy.

It's part of the growing pains.

And it's keeping me up at night.

Oh well..

This is reality.

Welcome to adulthood.

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Alessia Cara - Growing Pains

Make my way through the motions
I try to ignore it
But home's looking farther
The closer I get
Don't know why
I can't see the end
Is it over yet?

A short leash
And a short fuse don't match
They tell me it ain't that bad
Now don't you overreact
So I just hold my breath
Don't know why
I can't see the sun
When young should be fun (fun)

And I guess the bad
Can get better
Gotta be wrong
Before it's right
Every happy phrase
Engraved in my mind
And I've always been a go-getter
There's truth
In every word I write
But still the growing pains, growing pains
They're keeping me up at night

Eh eh, hey yeah, yeah, yeah...
And I can't hide, 'cause growing pains are keeping me up at night
Eh eh, hey yeah, yeah, yeah...
And I can't hide, 'cause growing pains are keeping me up at night

Try to mend what's left of my content incomprehension
As I take on the stress of the mess that I've made
Don't know if I've even care for "grown"
If it's just alone, yeah

And I guess the bad
Can get better
Gotta be wrong
Before it's right
Every happy phrase
Engraved in my mind
And I've always been a go-getter
There's truth
In every word I write
But still the growing pains, growing pains
They're keeping me up at night

Eh eh, hey yeah, yeah, yeah...
And I can't hide, 'cause growing pains are keeping me up at night
Eh eh, hey yeah, yeah, yeah...
And I can't hide, 'cause growing pains are keeping me up at night

Starting to look like Ms. Know-it-all
Can't take her own advice
Can't find pieces of peace of mind, I cry
More than I'd like to admit but I can't lie to myself, to anyone
'Cause phoning it in isn't any fun
Can't run back to my youth the way I want to
The days my brother was quicker to fool
AM radio, not much to do
Used monsters as an excuse
To lie awake
Now the monsters are the ones that I have to face
No band-aids for the growing pains

Eh eh, hey yeah, yeah, yeah...
No band-aids for the growing pains

Prblms

Page 1058

Triggered.

Nothing's a fucking problem till you make it one.

I'm doing the best I can.

I hate how things snowball until..

Until I lose it.

Fuck.

I aint going down that road again.

Fuck it.

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: 6LACK - Prblms 

And she said
You a God damn lie
I ain't mean to say that shit girl I was God damn high
So we left the crib now we in the God damn ride
She lookin' God damn fine
I wanted a bitch who was down to Earth
But she want the God damn skies
List of my problems
Got this one on my line that won't stop fucking callin'
It's crazy I made her that way
Every time I see her out, I see the hate in her face
Like why you do that
Tell her you love her when next week you just want your space
Why you do why you do that
Tell her you want her but next week you do your own thing
Why you do why you do that
I can't explain it but just know it working for me
She text me I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you
But how the fuck can you hate me
When I ain't did shit, but be the real thing
She know I'm the real, that'll never change
I never been the one, to try to explain
While you catch them feels I'm a sip on this drank
It's easing my brain

I got real shit to stress about girl I ain't worried bout shit
Remember that I tried to build ya now I ain't worried bout shit
I got real shit to stress about girl I ain't worried bout shit
Remember that I tried to build ya now I ain't worried bout shit
So I found me a new thing I'm not as lost as you think
Got plenty queens in my hometown all they need is drank and that dank
So I found me a new thing I'm not as lost as you think
Got plenty queens in my hometown all they need is drank and that dank

Now I'm like
It's a God damn shame
We done crashed we done burned
But baby you the God damn blame
See I wanted love but you wanted God damn fame
Every God damn thing
I wanted a bitch who was on the move
But you want to God damn lay
List of my problems
Got this one in my bed and she just wants to sleep
Fucking up all of the sheets
She only wake up to eat
Do this shit every week
Like why you do that
Crying you want to be great, but sleepin' until the next day
Why you do that
Don't got that much in the bank, we go out she order the steak
Why you do why you do that
She can't explain it but just know it working for her
She claiming she down on her luck, but really she don't give a fuck
And I cannot make this shit up
And I ain't did shit, but be the real thing
She know I'm the real, that'll never change
I won't be the one, to try to explain
While you catch them feels I'm a sip on this drank
It's easing the pain

I got real shit to stress about girl I ain't worried bout shit
Remember that I tried to build ya now I ain't worried bout shit
I got real shit to stress about girl I ain't worried bout shit
Remember that I tried to build ya now I ain't worried bout shit
So I found me a new thing I'm not as lost as you think
Got plenty queens in my hometown all they need is drank and that dank
So I found me a new thing I'm not as lost as you think
Got plenty queens in my hometown all they need is drank and that dank

Dead To Me

Page 1057

You ghosted me after our first meeting.

It's a shame, really.

But guess what?

I'm over it just as fast.

Haha.

Today was amazing.

Met so much new people, reconciled with old ones.

And got to experience so many opportunities.

Thankful. Grateful.

So yeah.

Keep doing what you do.

Walk away just like the rest do.

It doesn't matter.

You're already dead to me.

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Of Methodist - Dead To Me

[Verse I]
My guns are all ready to go
I'll turn up, put on a show
God these feelings gotta go
Listen up want you to know that

Baby even though I'm not over you
I'm down to take control if that's the only way
I'll fortify my mind and apprehend what I'm dealing

[Chorus]
Come now, abuse your authority
Over me, can't see that I know you and you like it, babe?
He don't love you like I love you, babe

Burned out at the cost of my sanity
Funny how the tables turned
Oh, what a shame you're on your knees for me
Cuz in the morning you'll be dead to me

[Verse II]
You reside in me
Then trade me as a weapon
For your remedy
And reducing me to nothing but an item
Or a trophy, but you never want to know me
You just want to hold me, baby

Boy, you think I like it that way?
Turn me round on tables you can fuck me that way
Why'd you gotta sell me that way
Why'd you gotta do that to my name

[Chorus]
Come now, abuse your authority
Over me, can't see that I know you and you like it, babe?
He don't love you like I love you, babe

Burned out at the cost of my sanity
Funny how the tables turned
Oh, what a shame you're on your knees for me
Cuz in the morning you'll be dead to me

Dance To This

Page 1056

Damn.

The things I'd do to you.

It's been a while...

Like.. a really long time.

You... fit the checklist.

Most of it anyway.

Slightly eccentric.

But tolerable.

 I really really..

Wanted to.. end up on you.

But I guess time didnt permit today.

Don't know where to go from here.

So I'll just.. dance to this.

xo.

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Troye Sivan Ft Ariana Grande - Dance To This 

[Troye Sivan:]
Young ambition
Say we'll go slow but we never do
Premonition
See me spendin' every night with you

Oh, yeah, under the kitchen lights
You still look like dynamite
And I wanna end up on you
Oh, don't need no place to go
Just put on the radio
You know what I wanna do

We can just dance to this
Don't take much to start me
We can just dance to this
Push up on my body, yeah
You know we've already seen all of the parties
We can just dance to this
We can just, we can just
Dance to this
Dance to this
We can just dance to this

[Ariana Grande:]
Dear beloved
Bring those 501s a bit closer, bit closer
And dear, my lover
Do that thing we never do sober, sober

[Troye Sivan & Ariana Grande:]
Oh, yeah, under the kitchen lights
You still look like dynamite
And I wanna end up on you (yeah)
Oh, we don't need no place to go
Just put on the radio
You know what I wanna do

We can just dance to this
Don't take much to start me
We can just dance to this
Push up on my body, yeah
You know we've already seen all of the parties
We can just dance to this
We can just, we can just
Dance to this
Dance to this
We can just dance to this

I don't wanna sleep tonight-night-night-night-night
I just wanna take that ride
I don't wanna sleep tonight-night-night-night-night
I just wanna take that ride

We can just dance to this
Don't take much to start me
We can just dance to this
Push up on my body, yeah
You know we've already seen all of the parties
We can just dance to this
We can just...
We can just dance to this
Don't take much to start me
We can just dance to this
Push up on my body, yeah
You know we've already seen all of the parties
We can just dance to this
We can just, we can just
Dance to this

Dance to this, love
Dance to this
We can just, dance to this
Dance to this, dance to this
We can just dance to this
I don't wanna sleep tonight-night-night-night-night
I just wanna take that ride
I don't wanna sleep tonight-night-night-night-night
I just wanna take that ride
We can just... dance to this
I don't wanna sleep tonight-night-night-night-night
I just wanna take that ride
I don't wanna sleep tonight-night-night-night-night
I just wanna take that ride
We can just... dance to this
I don't wanna sleep tonight-night-night-night-night

Satellite

Page 1055

I guess I found some peace in Ramadan.

Abstaining from things.. that were toxic.

Though there were moments that left me messed up and shaken.

There was light at the end of the tunnel.

Alas, it's left us again.

Now It's just up to us, to make sense of our morals, values and beliefs.

This year.. Raya isn't the same.

It isn't the same without you, Nenek.

Without your presence.

But I believe you're always here.

Out there... watching us.

Like a satellite.

Please, take care of us.

Eid Mubarak.

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Rebecca Black - Satellite 

The ceiling starts to break, I make the same mistakes
Once or twice a sacrifice, must help for someone else
Hide the way it hurts to hear you're fine without my help

I'm not forever young, the girl you knew is gone
You and I are memories that never seem to fade
Tell the lie you wish that I had begged until you stayed

Ooh, I wanna see you cry
Ooh, I wanna see your dark side
I'll be your satellite
I wonder why I wanna see you cry

I never seem to be, who you want from me
Every time you change your mind, you leave behind a ghost
Everything I knew is now at odds with what I know

Ooh, I wanna see you cry
Ooh, I wanna see your dark side
I'll be your satellite
I wonder why I wanna see you cry

What's missing?
Just listen, I'm no different

Ooh, I wanna see you cry
Ooh, I wanna see your dark side
I'll be your satellite
I wonder why I wanna see you cry

Bloodless

Page 1054

I woke up from my deep slumber.

What time was it?

I checked.

2.30AM.

Shit.

I dozed off.

Now I couldnt get back to sleep.

So I turned on my spotify.

And let it randomly do its magic.

I've been listening to this local artist a lot...

Of Methodist.

His music speaks to me so much recently.

One of his tracks played.

'Bloodless'.

I zoned out, and let it consume me.

I felt.. myself floating away.

High. Free.

In a different dimension.

Deeper and deeper as the words kept ringing.

Am I not enough?

..

Will I ever be?

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Of Methodist - Bloodless

Am I not enough, all the blood I drained from myself Will not satisfy your hunger for you and I to heal but I won't Tell you what went wrong when I spilled onto the floor

And what grew inside grew restless now Desperate for release but what am i Even doing here? I'm burning trees for answers now But end up with the burns on myself Tell me what you want to do Give it to me: what you want Tell me what you want to do to me Give it to me: what you want Bloodless Am I not enough Bloodless Am I not enough Bloodless Am i not enough Bloodless On two different lines We don't even bleed the same color now But still I find a reason for adhesion between us now Desperate for release but what am i Even doing here? I'm burning trees for answers now But end up with the burns on myself Tell me what you want to do Give it to me: what you want Tell me what you want to do to me Give it to me: what you want Bloodless Am I not enough Bloodless Am I not enough Bloodless Am i not enough Bloodless My mind's on you now And don't let me down