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My father died.
Feels surreal to say that out loud.
I have always mentally prepared for this day. But no matter how hard you prepare for it, it will always hit you hard.
It has truly been such a long week. But there has also been so much wholesome moments and plenty of things to be thankful for.
I have always had a complicated love-hate relationship with Ayah.
I’m not sure how many times I’ve silently cursed him in my head.
Mainly because I’ve always tolerated his bad hygiene. Or dumb decisions made. Or his hoarding habits.
- There was a time I came back from Melbourne and he had been using my room for 2 weeks. It was a total MESS and I was super annoyed and tired. I felt like i was stepping on soil, it was horrible. I did not say a word, just put down my luggage and started cleaning/mopping immediately.
- When I was younger (pre-school) I remembered walking into a convenience store with him. I wanted a Toblerone chocolate. Guess what he said? ‘Oh that has worms in it, don’t buy it.’ I grew up in Primary School thinking every Toblerone chocolate had worms in it. Cool, right? Hahah. Anyway, that’s how I knew that my Dad could be stingy.
- When I was in Primary 5, I remembered explicitly, he asked what I wanted for my Birthday. I loved music a lot and I told him I really wanted a piano. He said he would go to Courts and get one for me. I waited. And waited. And that didn’t happen. I’ve always remembered that & felt betrayed.
- When I was in Poly doing Nursing, I wasn’t working. I survived mainly on allowances from Mum, Bursary money and internship allowances. There was a period of time where my Dad got in to a bad credit card debt. All the money he inherited from his father: gone. He approached me silently a few nights, and asked for a few hundreds of dollars every time. (Total $1K+), and told me not to tell Mother. It was from then on, that I lost my respect for him. I mean, which father would do that to his son? He was supposed to provide for me, be a father figure & make me feel safe.. My guards were all up,& I was resentful that he did not pay back.
- In NS, we went through field camp. We had that moment where parents would write letters to their sons, and everyone would cry. I opened up mine and saw a picture of me in kindergarten, and a note from Dad. It was a heartfelt one, and he said something about how I have to be strong and they loved me and are waiting for me. Yes, I softened up & cried haha.
- That was also the year that JoJo lost her Dad while on tour and I saw a video of her talking about it and breaking down. She said she wanted to abandon him because of his addictions, but also questioned ‘Who am I to do that?’
All these softened my feelings about Dad over time, and felt that I was matured enough to let things go..
I have always avoided death.
- My paternal grandparents passed when I was in Secondary School. I attended one of them and it was my first taste of death.
- My maternal grandma died in 2017. That left a strong impact on me.
- My paternal Uncle died of Cancer shortly after and I avoided his funeral.
- My maternal special needs Uncle died 2-3 years ago, and I did not even attend the funeral.
Losing Ayah, opened my eyes. The absence, was strongly felt. And I saw the impact it had on others.
- He would wake me up for Subuh almost every morning.
- He would greet me when I got back home from Work. Either that or shout out to Bella and said ‘your dad is home’. Haha.
- He would offer food prepared by Mum on the table.
- He would ask me for help with bills or with his medications and stuff.
I always did.
Most of the time he left us by ourselves.
Whenever he could not sleep, he would be in the living room, as late as 2-3am and watching TV. He would watch CNA. Or Random shows on Netflix. Or ASMR of people catching crabs or fish. (Always found that weird haha). But having his presence there, there was always this feeling of comfort.
Nowadays, it’s just me, Mum and SM (younger brother).
How it started
Oof. Where do I begin. I'll reminisce to the best of my ability, as it is still fresh in my mind.
The last time my Dad got sick, was in 2023. He had heart failure and was in ICU for about a week. By a miracle, he was able to come out of that. And survived another 3 years, at home. Throughout this period, he was able to ambulate slowly, had his own routine. But pretty much stayed inactive. During the last few moments before he got admitted, we saw a decline in his movement. He pretty much would stay in bed the whole day. He had difficulty walking (due to his ginormous hernia) and started using wheelchair/our gaming chairs to move around in the house.
I noticed the decline from afar, but kept mum as I knew he would brush it off and refuse to get checked. As long as he wasn’t in pain. My parents are both anti-doctors lol.
4th Feb, my Mum came into my room, looking worried. She noticed Ayah hasn’t been his usual self. That his legs were swollen. That the way he sits hunched on the chair was funny. That he has not been eating. And he would always say that he was not in any pain. I was eating my dinner at this point, and paused. I got up, went into the room Ayah was in and switched the lights on.
He was awake, but his lower limbs were noticeably swollen. I pressed down his leg using my finger to check for edema. True enough, +3, very swollen. Nonchalantly, I showed my Mum, and told them straight; either your heart is failing again or your kidney is failing. That was the blunt truth. I offered to send him to A&E, as I was Off the next day. He refused. Said he wants to see in 2 weeks. I don’t think he had 2 weeks. I texted my eldest brother ’SH’, and he would come in the morning.
(1) SH was the closest to Ayah. Closer than any of use were. He came in the morning and locked the room, talking to Ayah. Me and Mum looked at each other, and shrugged. SH then came out, into my room and locked the door behind us. Asking me if Mum has been stressing Ayah out, as that has been his main complaints. I was bewildered. Mum had always been supportive of his needs, so no. And I was annoyed that this dude would even believe the nonsense that Ayah likes to spout. Anyway, we came to a conclusion to send him to Poly (I was hesitant about it as I wanted to go to Emergency straight lol. But it was Dad’s wish, fine.), then A&E (Dad wanted TTSH which I again, found dumb. WH is just a few stops away.)
Whatever it was, I accompanied them.
After annoyingly spending the whole morning at Poly, Doctor agreed to send to A&E, and said the nearest was WH. Dad somehow agreed (YES!). And we drove him there. I brought him there as my brother went to do some errands. The nurses took him in to the procedure room while waiting for a bed, and I left by 1PM+ to head home.
My Dad was warded at WH for 1 week. When I first visited him in WH (7 Feb) his BP was in lows (80s) and PR was really high (140s). It was signs of an impending heart failure. The on-call doctor there looked really worried, and tried asking info out of my Dad. Eg if he were to stop breathing, do they do CPR etc. Standard hospital questions. But Dad did not take it seriously. He kept avoiding it, and the doctor looked defeated. Of course my first brother proceeded with a yes. The nurses took over for some procedures and I left.
The second time I visited, was on 9 Feb. It was his birthday. He was alone and I accompanied him after work. I noticed a barely touched birthday cake bought by (1) SH. So I proceeded to feed him a few scoops. He also had an unused hospital Ipad at his bedside. I took it out, and switched on CNA for him as he requested. And put it by his side so that he won’t get bored. Because heck, I know I would. Might as well, right? Before I left, he said thank you, and wished me an advanced Happy Birthday. I thanked him, and left.. Knowing that I wasn’t in any mood to celebrate anything.
Throughout his stay in WH, He did some procedures, and ended up doing kidney biopsy. His kidney was injured, and they also found new masses in his lungs, kidney and testis. His lower limbs were still swollen and doctor offered dialysis, which he firmly refused. I could not say anything as my Dad was still breathing and had autonomy over his own body. Okay fine, so be it. I respected that. Offended as a dialysis nurse myself? Ouch, yeah. While all this was ongoing, he was ordered to go to TTSH as they had better facilities there for oncology.
So they did, they transferred him there. Ultimately at this point, his vitals were stabilised, swollen legs *Seemed* better but the results for the kidney biopsy was not out.
In TTSH he was first warded in an ISO room, subsequently transferred to the normal ward, and then to a 4-bedder acute room (same ward).
Throughout his stay in TTSH, his swollen lower limbs came back, 10x fold. They did some more investigations. Blood tests. MRI. Scopes. My Dad had mentioned to my mum, that he had something to tell her about his experience so far, but did not want to say it whilst there. Mum said ok, and had waited for him to discharge, curious. But of course that never happened.
The last I visited Dad was the day before his death. I came for a short while after work. He asked me for the purple Hacks sweet that I bought for him while he was in WH. I gave it. He seemed tired and was having slightly elevated PR and RR, and I asked if he was breathless. He told me he was fine, just that he was tired. He had procedures the whole day, and just came back from a scope. I said ok… while looking at the monitor, uncertain if he was ok.
I stayed for an hour. And told him I was gonna head off. His dinner just came and he asked if I could feed him first. I said, sure, ok. I fed him the Apple Puree he wanted (did not look appetising to me haha). But my dad finished it scoop after scoop. And thanked me. I asked if he wanted his main dinner, but he refused. ‘It’s ok, don’t feel like eating’. I said ‘Ok.. bye take care.’ He said goodbye. And I left. And that was the last time I talked to him.
The death
I got the text from my younger brother, ‘SM’. I was at the gym.
I finished up and booked a taxi straight to TTSH. My heart pounding out of my chest. I received a call from (1) SH, who was sniffling.
‘Eran, come to the hospital now.’ I said otw.
Shortly after, Mum called too, her voice cracking. I said otw.
At this point vulnerability hit hard. And the cab driver could not drive any faster.
I reached TTSH lobby, and saw some familiar faces. Dad’s side. All the relatives were there. I could not go in. (4) SM came down to help, had to re-register and chaos ensued with relatives asking why there is a 5-person limit. Eventually we could all go up.
I went up with my cousins. The walk to the ward seemed longer than usual.
I reached the scene.. bracing my self.
My relatives were by the side, looking grim/crying. Reading surahs.
My mum was in the corner, covered by the curtain. Silently sobbing.
I gave her a hug..
I saw my Dad, in a nazak condition. Gasping.
The nurses annoyingly came in and said ‘sorry, 5 person at a time.’
Nobody bothered.
After my relatives went by his side and said the Shahadah, it was my turn.
I held my Dad’s hand & whispered in his ear.
‘Ayah, ni Eran. Can you hear me?’
No response.
I patted his head. And said the Shahadah. I could barely croak out anything. Tears were forming.
My cousin I grew up with, Fanna had accompanied in. It was her turn. I stood by the side, helpless. His giant first brother came in to hug me. (1) SH too was hugging a cousin, ‘I’m not ready’ he repeatedly said while breaking down.
After, Fanna proceeded to my Mum and gave her a big hug while breaking down.
So. Much. Emotions.
Fanna and I both went out for a while while relatives came streaming in.
I saw ’Su’ who was Fanna’s Sis in law and happened to be a nurse in TTSH. She was wearing her OT gown.
Me: ‘You from Ot?’
Her: ‘Yeah, its ok.. I took time off.’
I appreciated that..
I texted my second brother ‘SW’ and he was reaching.
I went in again shortly after. No change.
My paternal aunt came to my side. Said something that I did not know how to feel?
‘Usually in cases like this, around Azan time, they will pass away.’ she whispered. It was around 1pm. Zohor was coming.
A person in a nursing uniform came to chat with (1) SH. She seemed to be a counselor/palliative/hospice nurse? Idk but it seemed she was there to accompany us. And asked (1) SH a few questions. Like how many and who are the children, relatives etc.
(2) SW finally came, and went straight to my Dad.
Held his hand. And the most amazing words came out of his mouth.
He thanked my father for raising him from young. And that he was a good father. His voice croaked.
I cried instantly. Everyone around us did. I had never seen him this vulnerable. He said many beautiful things which I forgot..
He recited Shahadah.
I came in to join, and at this time, all his wife and children were by his side.
I held his hand. And recited as well to his ear. Mum and ‘SW’ recited at the other side.
Over. And over. And over.
And after what seemed like forever.
*Big last breath* and then he stopped.
I was caught off guard. And looked at his chest. Almost in disbelief.
No rise & fall.
I glanced at the monitor.
Pulse dropped steadily.
50s…. 30s… 20s…. Stopped.
Asystole.
'I’nna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un’
Everyone erupted in a cry. Wails. Screams. Whatever you name it.
I was frozen. Shaking. My father just died in my arms.
(1) SH: ‘Ayah dah takde..’ He wailed.
(4) SM: *Buried his face on my father’s lifeless body*
And my Mum said out loud. ‘We have to redha…’
My mind could not process what just happened. I was almost catatonic.
I gave my dead father a kiss on the forehead, and left.
We moved to the side, while the nurses took over. Su was one of them. I saw as she gently took off his mask.
She looked at him sadly. I thought wow… she didn’t have to do this, but she’s here. What a wonderful person. Someone closed the curtain. And they were checking for any reading from the Emergency Trolley. Nothing.
Fanna’s second brother, another giant, pulled me in and gave me a big hug. He pulled my younger brother in too, and hugged us tightly. ‘Stay strong’ he said. We all sobbed & broke down. We went out. And stood by the side. And Mum told me and (4) SM to go home and clean up the house. We left.
Sky was gloomy.
Why does it always rain when someone close passes?
We went home, muted. I’m not even sure how (4) SM could even drive after all of that.
I was still shaken, sitting at the passenger seat.
Got home, and started clearing the house. Something that I found comfort in. Cleaning. I was in auto-pilot.
My partner showed up, and I was eternally grateful, given the state I was in.
-Cleaned the house
-Bought food and drinks
-Showered and broke down in bed.
-Bestie came with husband, and I sought comfort in updating her. Thankful for my loved ones..
-Received update that the body was not able to be released as it was a police case. Had to stay in hospital overnight, and IO to update us in the morning.
Guests left and we did not sleep well that night.
My aunt came over to accompany my Mum thankfully. And my first brother slept over too. I heard he woke up at 4am to hug my Mum, crying.
Everyone was broken.
The burial.
We woke up for sahur.
No one had appetite, but we needed our strength.
Went to HSA around 10.30am and waited 2 hours+ just to retrieve the body. There was no seats and there were more than 5 families standing outside. It was so draining.
After body collection, went straight to Pusara Aman, where we did our Zohor prayers, then proceeded to Mandi Jenazah by 1:15PM.
The last I did Mandi Jenazah was probably 10+ years ago when my paternal grandpa passed. I remembered how scared I was back then. But it's different this time.
Essentially it was like giving somebody a last bath.
In this case, it was my Dad’s lifeless and cold corpse.
He looked the same as he did. My brothers tried to contain their cries.
And we carefully showered and wrapped him up. It took some time, and it started to drizzle and thunder outside.
We took wuduk and kissed our last goodbyes to Ayah. Solat jenazah done, and we carried the corpse to his plot of land.
Cousins, relatives, friends, followed.
At the cemetery, the four of us siblings and a close cousin received his body from the grave.
It was a miracle I tell you, that we did not drop him. He was weighing at 127kg. My goodness.
After almost dying ourselves, we got out in one piece. Mud everywhere. Traumatised? Hell yes lol.
We washed the mud off and watched as the crane filled up the land.
After some recitations, Our duty was done, and we parted ways.
To be continued..
PS. (1) - First brother, (2) - Second brother etc.
Love,
Eran.
Eran.
Current Song Mood: Lianne La Havas - Good Goodbye
(I thought I've used to this song. I guess I've saved it...)
Old man, let me wipe your eyes
I've never seen you cry
Old friend, in our own sweet time
We'll say a good goodbye
All my life, I know by now
All these memories, too much to lose
No one ever leaves you
I don't need faith, I don't need truth
No one ever leaves you
You'd say this is all there is
And every time you'd blink
You'd miss another piece of this wondrous world
All I'd ask is why you'd leave so soon
Everybody seems to
I don't need faith, I just want you
No one ever leaves you
Everybody, raise a glass, oh, here's to a good goodbye
Everybody, raise a glass, oh, here's to a good goodbye
Everybody, raise a glass, oh, here's to a good goodbye
Oh, everybody, raise a glass, oh
And all these memories, too much to lose
No one ever leaves you
I don't need faith, I don't need truth
No one ever leaves you
I don't need faith, I just want proof
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