Everything I Wanted

Page 1271

I've got everything I wanted.

But why do I feel like I don't deserve it?

I guess its just me and my troubled past.

Maybe I will never get past it.

The way it just keeps haunting me.

Affecting my head.

Over and over.

Like a broken record.

As you left the room and I just..

Had my hands on my head, defeated.

Tears. Hyperventilation. Fear.

Another panic attack.

That familiar feeling of, loneliness.

The overwhelming darkness that slowly swept in as the sun set.

And I was engulfed.

Engulfed in pitch darkness.

I found myself under the sheets.

Waiting. And drifting away.

And then you came back.

And you saved me, from my own self.

And I saw the light, again.

You are..

 everything I've wanted.

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Billie Eilish - Everything I Wanted

I had a dream
I got everything I wanted
Not what you'd think
And if I'm being honest

It might have been a nightmare
To anyone who might care

Thought I could fly
So I stepped off the golden
Nobody cried
Nobody even noticed

I saw them standing right there
Kinda thought they might care

I had a dream
I got everything I wanted
But when I wake up, I see
You with me

And you say
As long as I'm here
No one can hurt you
Don't wanna lie here
But you can learn to
If I could change the way that you see yourself
You wouldn't wonder why you’re here
They don't deserve you

I tried to scream
But my head was under water
They called me weak
Like I'm not just somebody's daughter

Coulda been a nightmare
But it felt like they were right there
And it feels like yesterday was a year ago
But I don't wanna let anybody know
'Cause everybody wants something from me now
And I don't wanna let 'em down

I had a dream
I got everything I wanted
But when I wake up, I see
You with me

And you say
As long as I'm here
No one can hurt you
Don't wanna lie here
But you can learn to
If I could change the way that you see yourself
You wouldn't wonder why you’re here
They don't deserve you

If I knew it all then, would I do it again?
Would I do it again?
If they knew what they said would go straight to my head
What would they say instead?

If I knew it all then, would I do it again?
Would I do it again?
If they knew what they said would go straight to my head
What would they say instead?

Into The Sun

Page 1270

Its been quite the day.

But I'm so glad it all worked out.

Happy Birthday, love.

Hope you liked the gifts.

It makes me happy, to see you happy.

And the confused/scared look you had when I had surprises after surprises. (Should do this more often. >:) )

Thankful for the time I get to spend with you.

This month is starting to feel special. 

But I feel like it will be even more special once we go on our trip.

I love you.

With all my heart.

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Vancouver Sleep Clinic - Into The Sun

I'm afraid of dying
I'm afraid of love
I'm afraid of never trying
And of not being enough
Don't know what's on the horizon
Don't know who to trust
I'mma run this 'till it's finished
'Till it's rubble and dust

I'm afraid of flying
Crash into the sun
I'm afraid of never rising
To be the one that they want
But I'm out here in the wild now
With nowhere else to run
So I'mma wing it with no pilot
To the kingdom that comes

I always abandon myself, and I don't know why
I feel I'm getting stronger
I feel I'm getting free
Always neglecting myself, and I don't know why
I feel I'm getting stronger
I feel I'm getting free

I'm scared of this money
Run from these banks
Dropped a light fifty
Carried more weight
I needed more money
To work on more things
This is all that I have
This is all that I have

I never do promo
'Cause I care what you think
For now I'm gon fly low
Just hope I don't sink
Keeping my fans close
'Cause when I'm on the brink
We're all that I have
You're all that I have

I always abandon myself, and I don't know why
I feel I'm getting stronger
I feel I'm getting free
Always neglecting myself, and I don't know why
I feel I'm getting stronger
I feel I'm getting free

Get my things
I'm tired of making old mistakes
Trynna fill a vacant space
There's something that I need
Took my things
Knew I had to make a change
I'm headed where the daylight reigns
Feel I'm getting free

And when the candle flickers light
Then I know I still got time
And when the candle's burning bright
I know I still got time

And I'm sorry father
I'm sorry mother
If I let you down
If I let you down
And I'm sorry sister
I'm sorry brother
If I let you down
If I let you down

Yosemite

Page 1269

OS X Yosemite.

Macbook Air 2013.

Been 6 years since I've used this laptop.

But I guess its time to move on to newer things.

Currently swelling up like a balloon.

And going to explode at any time.

Heck.

Every second is a risk.

But life is too short not too take one.

My anxiety today seems to know better.

Separation anxiety, too.

This month seems to be triggering a lot of things.

Things or feelings that I may not want to remember.

But it will all be okay.

Yeah.

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Vancouver Sleep City - Yosemite

Love is the drug we're all after
Love is the cure and the disease
I'm in a state of nostalgia
Dreaming of what could have been

'Cause Hollywood might be the death of me
So I'll carry my mind to Yosemite
Lay it all down in the summer breeze
And I pick up my guitar and play The Middle East, yeah
'Cause I don't want fans, I want family
I don't wanna stack bands, I just wanna find peace
In the world that has drained all my energy

Love is the light that showed me darkness
Love's in the God that I believe
But life around here is getting harder
I'll find my way eventually

'Cause Hollywood might be the death of me
So I'll carry my mind to Yosemite
Lay it all down in the summer breeze
And I pick up my guitar and play The Middle East, yeah
'Cause I don't want fans, I want family
I don't wanna stack bands, I just wanna find peace
In the world that has drained all my energy

If you love me
Where are you now?
Where are you now?
In the suffering
Where are you found?
Where are you found?
If you love me
Where are you now?
Where are you now?
Lost and wandering
Can I be found?

'Cause Hollywood might be the death of me
So I'll carry my mind to Yosemite

Worst Behaviour

Page 1268

Sometimes I am just tired of people.

Having to be nice all the time.

But I have to, to maintain my professionalism.

So weird that people always just.. approach me?

For things that I may not even know?

My colleagues. My patients.

Oh gosh.

My patients.

I have a makcik that keeps requesting for me.

But she gives me food, so all is good. (LOL).

Am I really that approachable? I find it amusing.

Even today, after work.

A random dude just went up to me and struck a conversation.

I was half-expecting him to sell something - Insurance? Some MLM thing? Preach about God? I was ready to just walk away.

But nope. He was just genuinely chatting and asking about me.

That struck me by surprise. 

Like.

Weirdest encounter ever.

Anyway.

I should just stop being nice.

And put on my worst behaviour for a change.

Maybe then I can avoid people.

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: ALMA Ft Tove Le - Worst Behaviour

Another year wasted on endless work
They don't know my worth
Another year wasted on stupid jerks
I rip off my shirt
I am done, I'm sick, of hearing it
I am done, fed up, ain't having it
Another year wasted on endless work
They don't know my worth

Around and around and around and around
Pour me another round
'Round and around and around and around
Keep 'em coming till I hit the ground

You better stay home tonight
'Cause I'm on my worst behavior
You better stay home tonight
'Cause I'm on my worst behavior
She on her worst
If you wanna go, then go hard
This is not a night for weak hearts
If you wanna go then go hard

I don't really care what you think of me
Kinda my thing, baby
You don't need to judge how I blow off steam
Like you live perfectly
I am done, I'm sick of hearing it
I am done, fed up, ain't having it
I don't really care what you think of me
I don't care what you think of me

'Round and around and around and around
Pour me another round
Round and around and around and around
Keep 'em coming till I hit the ground

You better stay home tonight
'Cause I'm on my worst behavior
You better stay home tonight
'Cause I'm on my worst behavior
(She on her worst)
If you wanna go, then go hard
This is not a night for weak hearts
If you wanna go then go hard

I go round and around and around and around
Pour me another round
'Round and around and around and around
Keep 'em coming till I hit the ground

Gravity

Page 1267

Another great weekend with you.

Fast food, Ben & Jerry ice-cream and scary movies. 

Perfect.

We've been spending time together like this for the past 10 months.

And I love every second of it.

Its nice being with somebody.

Who loves me for who I am.

And I adore just as much.

:)

What we have is special. Sacred.

And I know things may not last forever.

But I'll do everything I can to make this one last.

And defy gravity.

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: EDEN - Gravity

I wanted you to be the last thing on my mind
I wanted you to be the reason I close my eyes
But I can't sleep
And oh God, I wanted to be your high
But everything I said, it went unheard
And everything you saw with eyes straight blurred
Became our downfall

'Cause you say I drink and I smoke and I talk too much
But I know you lied when you said that you just gotta go and save yourself
So hear me out
You know everybody talks, girl
And it means nothing 'till you let it
But if you keep second guessing then there's only gonna be one end

But you can leave if you really want to
And you can run if you feel you have to
Now I'll be fine if you ever ask me
I know it's hard, but no one said it's easy
Falling's easy
But there's only one way up

So I been thinking that I think too much
And I can't sleep, but I can dream of us
And I've been seeing shit like horror cuts
It's burning down, I gotta drown this out
And you said you need me to let this go
But it's who I am, or am I just losing it
'Cause you said jump and I went first but falling's always been my downfall

And you say I drink and I smoke and I talk too much
But I know you lied when you said that you just had enough and save yourself
So hear me out
You know everybody talks, girl
And it means nothing 'till you let it
And if you keep second guessing then there's only gonna be one end

But you can leave if you really want to
And you can run if you feel you have to
And I can drink if I feel I have to
I know it's hard, but I can't feel like i used to
Like I used to
'Cause I used to defy gravity
Defy gravity
Goodbyes keep dragging me
Down
And I'm fighting gravity
Defying gravity
I tried but I keep falling
'Cause falling's easy
But it only brings you down

End Credits

Page 1266

Finally.

Done with the last assignment.

Phew.

It's like I've reached the end credits.

Man, it feels weird.

No more school for me.

Who knows if I will continue my studies.

It gets really tiring.

I hope I do well enough though.

Whatever it is, I've given it my all.

What's next?

I'm just going to unwind this month.

I deserve it.

I am looking forward for what's to come.

Counting down to my leaves.

:)

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: EDEN Ft Leah Kelly - End Credits

Cigarette ash like wildfire
Burning holes in the night time
Open scars cut like barbed wire
White lies flying high like a ceasefire
Dropping flags on the shoreline
This is as far as I can feel right
'Cause what you don't know
Can haunt you

And all we ever wanted
Was sunlight and honesty
Highlights to wanna repeat
Let's get away from here and
Live like the movies do
I won't mind when it's over
At least I didn't think for a while

So let's run
Make a great escape
And I'll be waiting outside for the getaway
It doesn't matter who we are
We'll keep running through the dark
And all we'll ever need is another day
We can slow down 'cause tomorrow is a mile away
And live like shooting stars
'Cause happy endings hardest to fake

Sunsets on power lines
Making a break for the other side
Heading out to where that sunshine
45 millimeter rolling like we lost time
Polaroids and outcast
Rather burnout young than grow up fast
And we could be forever future bound
'Cause all I need is time and now
And I could leave this past behind me
And all we ever wanted, was sunlight and honesty
And maybe I'll see a way for me to stay
Highlights to wanna repeat
When there's so much out there
Let's get away from here and
So I'll live forgetting for the time being
Live like the movies do
And I won't mind when it's over
At least I didn't think for a while

So let's run
Make a great escape
And I'll be waiting outside for the getaway
It doesn't matter who we are
We'll keep running through the dark
And all we'll ever need is another day
We can slow down 'cause tomorrow is a mile away
And live like shooting stars
'Cause everything was never the same

And I want to let you know
I want to let you go
But I just can't bring myself to speak
But this is how it goes
The end credits—they roll
This bridge was built over kerosene
But we can watch it
Burn down
We can watch it burn down

And all I ever wanted
Was sunlight and honesty
Highlights to wanna repeat
Let's get away from here and
Live like the movies do
I won't mind when it's over
At least I didn't think

So let's run
Make a great escape
And I'll be waiting outside for the getaway
It doesn't matter who we are
We'll keep running through the dark
And all we'll ever need is another day
We can slow down 'cause tomorrow is a mile away
And live like shooting stars
'Cause you can wish away forever
But you'll never find a thing like today

Lose You To Love Me // Look At Her Now

Page 1265

It's already November.

Wow.

Time flies...

Honestly never thought I'd make it this far.

Last year I was a different person.

Kept to myself a lot.

I didnt know who I could turn to.

I was helpless. 

Many a times I found myself alone.

In a dark place.

But this year, it's all so different.

It's going to be different.

This month will be really significant to me.

I needed to lose you to love me.

Look at me now.

I've never been happier.

:)

Everything happens for a reason.

Guess we have to go through certain things, to get to where we are.

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood #1: Selena Gomez - Lose You To Love Me

You promised the world and I fell for it
I put you first and you adored it
Set fires to my forest
And you let it burn
Sang off key in my chorus
'Cause it wasn't yours
I saw the signs and I ignored it
Rose colored glasses all distorted
Set fire to my purpose
And I let it burn
You got off on the hurtin'
When it wasn't yours, yeah

We'd always go into it blindly
I needed to lose you to find me
This dancing was killing me softly
I needed to hate you to love me, yeah

To love, love, yeah
To love, love, yeah
To love, yeah
I needed to lose you to love me, yeah
To love, love, yeah
To love, love, yeah
To love, yeah
I needed to lose you to love me

I gave my all and they all know it
You tore me down and now it's showing
In two months you replaced us
Like it was easy
Made me think I deserved it
In the thick of healing, yeah

We'd always go into it blindly
I needed to lose you to find me
This dancing was killing me softly
I needed to hate you to love me, yeah

To love, love, yeah
To love, love, yeah
To love, yeah
I needed to lose you to love me, yeah
To love, love, yeah
To love, love, yeah
To love, yeah
I needed to lose you to love me

You promised the world and I fell for it
I put you first and you adored it
Set fires to my forest
And you let it burn
Sang off key in my chorus

To love, love, yeah
To love, love, yeah
To love, yeah
I needed to hate you to love me, yeah
To love, love, yeah
To love, love, yeah
To love, yeah
I needed to lose you to love me
To love, love, yeah
To love, love, yeah
To love, yeah

And now the chapter is closed and done
To love love, yeah
To love love, yeah
To love, yeah
And now it's goodbye, it's goodbye for us

Current Song Mood #2: Selena Gomez - Look At Her Now

They fell in love one summer
A little too wild for each other
Shiny till it wasn't
Feels good till it doesn't

It was her first real lover
His too till he had another
Oh god when she found out
Trust levels went way down

Of course she was sad
But now she's glad she dodged a bullet

Took a few years
To soak up the tears
But look at her now
Watch her go

Mmm mmm mmm
Look at her now
Watch her go
Mmm mmm mmm
Wow
Look at her now
Mmm mmm mmm
Look at her now
Watch her go
Mmm mmm mmm
Wow
Look at her now

Fast nights that got him
That new life was his problem
Not saying she was perfect
Still regrets that moment

Like that night
Wasn't wrong, wasn't right
What a thing to be human
Made her more of woman

Of course she was sad
But now she's glad she dodged a bullet

Took a few years
To soak up the tears
But look at her now
Watch her go

Mmm mmm mmm
Look at her now
Watch her go
Mmm mmm mmm
Wow
Look at her now
Mmm mmm mmm
Look at her now
Watch her go
Mmm mmm mmm
Wow
Look at her now

She knows she'll find love
Only if she wants it
She knows she'll find love
Uhh
She knows she'll find love
Only if she wants it
She knows she'll find love
On the up from the way down
Look at her now

Watch her go
Mmm mmm
Look at her now
Ohhhhh
She knows she'll find love
Only if she wants it
She knows she'll find love
Look at her now yeah
She knows she'll find love
(She knows she will)
Only if she wants it
She knows she'll find love
Wow

Look at her now