Last Dance

Page 960

'Talk to me. Come. What's wrong?'

'I'm.. tired of losing people.' I whispered to her.

It felt like an important year for Mental Health. 

Many a times we neglect it. 

It's evident with public figures like Chester Bennington and Jonghyun suddenly taking their lives.

It's so scary. 

You never know what will trigger you.

This year felt like I've hit a new string of lows. 

Some days I felt empowered. 

While most days felt like I needed professional help.

I woke up each day with the same empty feeling in my gut.

It felt like a relapse from 2 years ago. 

Like a vicious cycle.

Last month in particular, took its toll on me. 

It started when my grandma passed on. 

Barely a week later, I lost my Uncle to cancer. 

And in between I was struggling with my feelings which eventually lead me on. 

And I wish I could say that I was strong enough to go through all that, but really, I wasn't. 

By the end of it all I was already numb and jaded. 

And maybe I still am.

Maybe I'll always be. 

But life is too short to be pondering over your miseries. 

I've learnt that there other people with bigger problems than you have. 

That's when I took a step back and started counting my blessings.

I've lost myself this year, but I'm slowly getting back on my feet. 

This is me standing my ground. 

This is me screaming, I'll be a stronger version of myself this New Year. 

I wanna work hard. Play hard. And love hard. 

You'll get through the hard times. 

It gets better. 

Eventually. 

Never Forget.  

Here's hoping for a better year ahead.

Let's have one last dance.

Before the year ends.

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Dua Lipa - Last Dance

Fatal, this attraction,
Yeah, we might just end up crashin'
But I'm ready if it happens with you
Meet me out in Cali
When I'm far away from family
And I need someone to hold onto

You're the only thing I know
And I don't wanna let this go
Close to you I feel—feel like I'm at home
Can't wait 'til we're alone

We were built to last
We were built like that
Baby, take my hand
Dive in this romance
We could burn and crash
We could take a chance
Holdin' nothin' back
Like it's our last dance

Like it's our last dance
Like it's our last dance

My eyes wide open,
Fallin' in and out of focus
Pressure flowin' like a river in my head
Crying you ain't with me
And it's floodin' the whole city
While my soul's burnin' like a cigarette

You're the only thing I know
And I don't wanna let this go
Close to you I feel—feel like I'm at home
Can't wait 'til we're alone

We were built to last
We were built like that
Baby, take my hand
Dive in this romance
We could burn and crash
We could take a chance
Holdin' nothin' back
Like it's our last dance

Like it's our last dance
Like it's our last dance
Like it's our last dance
Like it's our last dance

Way too soon to feel so strong
Way too young to hurt so long
I'm hurtin'
Was it worth it?

Way too soon to feel so strong
Way too young to hurt so long
I'm hurtin'
Was it worth it?

Like it's our last dance
Like it's our last dance
Like it's our last dance

I'll fall in love
I'll fall in love
I'll fall in love
I'll fall in love
I'll fall in love
I'll fall in love
I'll fall in love

Darkness Keeps Chasing Me

Page 959

Sometimes it comes.

Sometimes it goes.

But it lingers in me.

Like a monster in the dark.

And it strikes me.

When I'm at my lowest.

It just clings on me.

Like a parasite.

And feeds off my soul.

The darkness...

The darkness keeps chasing me.

And I guess it'll always be a part of me.

Forever.

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Grace VanderWaal - Darkness Keeps Chasing Me

Opening my eyes
Seems like it gets harder sometimes
Look at the skylight
Would you mad at me if I tried running away to it in the night?
I tried to fight
But I'm not strong enough
I just want you here
But I also want to be alone
I don't know what I want anymore

Every now and then
The darkness tries to chase me
And my legs are getting tired of running
Oh, please don't
Please don't let it get to me
Oh, I don't want to give up that easily
But the darkness keeps chasing me

Hiding places remind me of you and I
I wanna call you
But if I hear your voice
I just might cry
And I don't even know what the song's about, anymore
And I don't know what I want, anymore

Every now and then
The darkness tries to chase me
And my legs are getting tired of running
Oh, please don't
Please don't let it get to me
Oh, I don't want to give up that easily
But the darkness keeps chasing

Weather streams down my cheeks
Look to my eyes
See you're blowing smoke in your ripped jeans
Don't tell me you fell in
The darkness is already seeping through
Oh, can't you see?
I will be different
I'm not sure if I can do it all alone
God, I want to be different
But I'm not sure if I can do it on my own

'Cause every now and then
The darkness tries to chase me
And my legs are getting tired of running
Oh, please don't
Please don't let it get to me
Oh, I don't want to give up that easily
But the darkness keeps chasing me

Midnight Train

Page 958

I guess, i'm in a different place now.

I no longer feel as jaded as I was.

You seem better off.

And I guess I am too.

It's better this way.

I've just become 'another one'.

And that chapter has closed.

Tonight's the night I choose to walk away.

I'll take the midnight train.

And leave my feelings behind.

Goodbye.

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Sam Smith - Midnight Train

I choose me
And I know that's selfish, love
You are a dream
And I can't thank you enough
But I give another piece of me away
Every waking day that I'm with you

Am I a monster?
What will your family think of me?
They brought me in
They helped me out with everything
But I give a little piece of me away
Every single day

So I pick up the pieces
I get on the midnight train
I got my reasons
But darling I can't explain
I'll always love you
But tonight's the night I choose to walk away

Love you so much
That I have to let you go
I'll miss your touch
And the secrets we both know
But it would be wrong for me to stay
And I'll just give you hope

So I pick up the pieces
I get on the midnight train
I got my reasons
But darling I can't explain
I'll always love you
But tonight's the night I choose to walk away

I can't stop crying
I hate that I've caused you pain
But I can't deny it
I just don't feel the same
I'll always love you
But tonight's the night I choose to walk away

So I pick up the pieces
I get on the midnight train
I got my reasons
But darling I can't explain
I'll always love you
But tonight's the night I choose to walk away

The Night We Met

Page 957

This is a story.

About the night we met.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It all started when I was out swimming with my friends.

We were friends on social media.

But we've never met before.

That day we were somehow DMing each other

We were texting casually when suddenly he dropped this message;

'What are you doing today'

'Having a swim haha'

'Dinner?'

'Haha are you asking me out?'

'Yes.'

And that was that.

We settled a time and place to meet.

I honestly, wasnt expecting anything.

It was just dinner, after all. 

Plus we've been wanting to meet but never got a chance to.

We've kind of been following each other for a while, but we don't really know much about each other.

I reached the train station.

And there he was, standing near the tapping gantry.

Was that a shy look? Maybe.

We went up to the mall, having small casual talks.

'You craving anything?'

'Nah not really.'

'We'll see what's around then.'

We decided to settle on Pastamania.

'Let's go.'

He was a gentleman.

Bringing me to our seats.

Casually passing me the fork and spoon.

Inviting me to eat.

Talking about himself. His work. His passion. His special gift.

I was intrigued.

I havent felt this way about someone in a while.

He was such a cool dude.

I was honestly, not expecting this.

We decided to go lepak somewhere after dinner.

We walked around Serangoon, towards a HDB void deck.

And we just sat there.

And chilled.

Laughing.

Chatting.

Talking about our mutual friends.

Gossiping about people in the scene.

It was honestly..

Nice.

We felt a connection there and then.

(We confessed when we got back home)

Sadly,  time flew. And it was time to go back.

He walked me to the train station.

Resting an arm over my shoulders.

'Hmm not bad, perfect height.'

I blushed and placed my arm around his waist.

This was... something else.

We reached. 

And before I left,

he asked for a hug.

And I did.

And it was really special.

I swear the world stopped for a sec when we did.

We were a perfect fit.

At least, it felt like we did.

I'll never, ever forget that night.

The night we met.

Love, Eran.

Take me back to that night.

Current Song Mood: Lord Huron - The Night We Met

I am not the only traveler
Who has not repaid his debt
I've been searching for a trail to follow again
Take me back to the night we met

And then I can tell myself
What the hell I'm supposed to do
And then I can tell myself
Not to ride along with you

I had all and then most of you, some and now none of you
Take me back to the night we met 
I don't know what I'm supposed to do, haunted by the ghost of you
Oh, take me back to the night we met

When the night was full of terrors
And your eyes were filled with tears
When you had not touched me yet
Oh, take me back to the night we met

I had all and then most of you, some and now none of you
Take me back to the night we met
I don't know what I'm supposed to do, haunted by the ghost of you
Take me back to the night we met

The Other

Page 956

This song.

This song that was playing..

It was familiar.

I remember the feeling that came with it.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He had brought me to a nearby cafe after dinner.

It was quite... secluded. In the quiet part of town.

It was pleasant. And relaxing.

'Im not sure if you like this kind of place.'

'I love it.' I assured him.

It was just my kind of place. A nice one to unwind.

We ordered a chocolate dessert to share.

It wasnt that fancy to me.

But I didnt care.

Not when I was with him.

We talked.

He told me he was taking up Korean language.

After all, he was part Korean. (He refused to admit it)

'My grandma stays in Korea.'

'Oh.. so you're part Korean.'

'Uhh. I guess? I don't think it matters.' he said

'Haha, I guess not.'

He brought a vocab book to show me. We started going through it. And he asked me to pronounce some words/phrases. I tried my best. And it always ended up sounding more Japanese HAHAHA. We laughed hard at ourselves. Especially at my attempts. It felt good.. This moment. Then this song played, and I just had to Shazam it. I instantly felt connected in the moment.

The Other.

After dessert we decided to go for a stroll.

We walked to City Hall. Over there he treated me to Gongcha. Apparently he had a birthday offer and it was on the house. I tried to poke my straw in my drink and... my straw broke. HAHAHA. I swear these things only happen to me. We went back to take another.

We walked to the Esplanade. Went around to see some performances. It was surprisingly crowded there. We walked by Marina Bay. Reminiscing our POP days. Good o'l times. And then, he walked me back to the train station.

That night I was happy.

I was...

...

Until we parted ways.

Who wrote the book on goodbye?

It never should exist.

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Lauv - The Other

Like a spotlight the water hits me
Ran it extra cold to shake the words from my mouth
Though I know that no one's listening
I nervously rehearse for when you're around

And I keep waiting like you might change my mind

Who wrote the book on goodbye?
There's never been a way to make this easy
When there's nothing quite wrong but it don't feel right
Either your head or your heart, you set the other on fire

Back and forth now I'm feelin' guilty
Cause I just can't stop this pendulum in my head
Though I know that our time is ending
I'd rather lay forever right in this bed

And I keep waiting like, you might change my mind
Give me one more night

Who wrote the book on goodbye?
There's never been a way to make this easy
When there's nothing quite wrong but it don't feel right
Either your head or your heart, you set the other on fire

No one knows (knows)
No one knows (knows)

We fell from the peak
And the stars, they broke their code
I'm trying to forget
How I landed on this road
I'm caught in between
What I wish and what I know
When they say that you just know

Who wrote the book on goodbye?
There's never been a way to make this easy
When there's nothing quite wrong but it don't feel right
Either your head or your heart, you set the other on fire

No one knows (knows)
No one knows (knows)
No one knows (knows)

You set the other on fire
You set the other on fire

Hey, You Got Drugs?

Page 955

I walked behind a lady after gym.

She was smoking a stick.

The smoke went straight to my face.

I held my breathe.

It was almost an instant reflex.

I've never liked it.

Reminded me of something I did.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

The lights twinkled around me.

Everyone walked pass.

But I was lonely.

So, so lonely.

It's been 2 years.

2 years since I've felt this low.

What has changed?...

I scrolled through my feed.

And saw you posted the same exact story.

I winced.

Thinking... I wish I could be with you right now.

You lied.

You told me you weren't free on our last meet-up.

When in actual fact, you were.

'Anyone up to watch the Pokemon movie?

'Anyone free for dinner?'

You posted on your insta story.

My heart broke.

It was almost like a mock towards me.

That... I was nothing.

That I... wasnt worth your time anymore.

What was I then...

I sat alone, waiting for my best friend to show up.

She did, an hour later. 

I was numb, jaded by then.

I didnt feel anything.

After dinner and ranting everything out (shedontknowbutsheknows post) , I realised, how f*cked up our lives were.

We walked around in town after.

She had just bought a pack of ciggs for herself.

'I want a puff.'

'Huh??? YOU? Are you serious?'

My best friend knew it was ridiculous. I've never smoked before.

'Yeah. I need it. Just a puff.'

'Um. Ok then.'

We walked quietly to the smoking corner.

She started her cigg.

And later passed it to me.

I held it.

'Just inhale and hold it in.'

I did that.

At first I couldnt do it properly.

But the second try.

I felt it.

I felt it fill my lungs.

The icy cold of despair.

And I watched as the smoke slipped out of my mouth.

Into the cool night air.

'Feel it?'

'Yeah.'

We sat down. She advised me. Stuff I already knew. But I guess I just needed to hear it from her

You won't even save the night for me.

When I've given you so much love.

You f*ckin' made it your deal when you asked me out the first time.

It messed me up pretty bad.

I guess I've fallen out of my feelings.

This song... it's the most personal one I've heard and shared this year.

This song is everything to me.

You'll always be special to me.

 I wish you knew that.

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Tove Lo - Hey, You Got Drugs?

Two years of change
Now they say never change, never did
Keep loving me for a night
Think you're free? I don't quit
Come on my sweet escape for a while just to try it on
I'm dancin' away
While it's all fun and games 'til its not

We don't wanna go home
(Better dance for us)
You're fucked but, oh, you're so fun
(How you holding on?)
I don't know tomorrow
(If it comes or not)
But I promise for life you can brag 'bout tonight
You won't save the night for me
You won't save the night for me
You won't save the night for me
And I ain't never gonna go home

Ten years of highs just for fun
Not a height 'til I'm caught
Pain from the past like a small piece of glass in my heart
This should be the time of my life
You fucking made it your deal, your deal
And I keep dancin' away
'Cause it's all fun and games 'til its real

We don't wanna go home
(Better dance for us)
You're fucked but, oh, you're so fun
(How you holding on?)
I don't know tomorrow
(If it comes or not)
But I promise for life you can brag 'bout tonight
You won't save the night for me
You won't save the night for me
You won't save the night for me
And I ain't never gonna go home

Hey, you got drugs?
Just need a pick-me-up only for tonight
Don't tell anyone I was with ya
Yeah, it's good stuff, but I'm resistin' now
Take it if you want
Think I've fallen out of my feelings

We don't wanna go home
(Better dance for us)
You're fucked but, oh, you're so fun
(How you holding on?)
I don't know tomorrow
(If it comes or not)
But I promise for life you can brag 'bout tonight
You won't save the night for me
You won't save the night for me
You won't save the night for me
And I ain't never gonna go home
Go home

Hey, you got drugs?
Just need a pick-me-up only for tonight
Don't tell anyone I was with ya
Yeah it's good stuff but I'm resisting now
Take it if you want
Think I've fallen out of my feelings
Hey, you got drugs?
Just need a pick-me-up only for tonight
Don't tell anyone I was with ya
Yeah it's good stuff but I'm resisting now
Take it if you want
Think I've fallen out of my feelings
Hey, you got drugs?
Just need a pick-me-up only for tonight
Don't tell anyone I was with ya
Yeah it's good stuff but I'm resisting now
Take it if you want
Think I've fallen out of my feelings
Hey, you got drugs?
Just need a pick-me-up only for tonight
Don't tell anyone I was with ya
Yeah it's good stuff but I'm resisting now
Take it if you want
Think I've fallen out of my feelings

K.

Page 954

I sat by the seats of the void deck.

Stoning.

Waiting for work to start.

At the same time, dreading it.

This familiar empty feeling.

Has got me so jaded.

It was like... an unavoidable relapse had occured.

A relapse from 2 years ago.

And I was stuck in the same, sick, cycle.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

The last time we met, was at a mall near his place.

I had asked him out for dinner.

He told me he was broke.

I insisted that I'd treat him.

Anything just to let me get to see him again.

I waited patiently outside the mall.

Admiring the pretty lights.

'I'm outside your favourite store'.

'Ok, I'll meet you there.'

We met up, and we went into the store.

Uniqlo.

It was his favourite. And it's become mine as well.

We had done our shopping there a couple of weeks before.

He helped me out in picking clothes.

We even bought the same Vans shoes together.

He helped me shoot some photos.

He was so passionate.. I admired that.

We had explored the national museum. And it was a magical experience.

My first time.

It gives me such a warm feeling just thinking about it.

We walked around the mall.

Trying to find a place to eat.

We settle on some fast food instead.

'Woah, you sure you can eat this much?' he looked at my order.

'You'd be surprised.' I said.

But in the end, I couldnt finish it all and he helped me LOL.

We chatted. About work and such.

And I suddenly was dying to ask.

'Are you close with your Dad?'

I felt the silence fall upon us.

His expression changed.

And he slowly opened up about his Dad.

About the way he treated his family.

About his infidelity.

My heart sank.

I didnt expect this.

I always knew there was something more to it.

Since he never mentioned his Dad before.

And I somehow felt connected in that sense.

The tables started to turn.

It felt like.. I was helping an old friend out by lending my listening ear.

This wasnt new.

People would always come for me to rant out their problems.

I was happy to oblige.

After dinner we went grocery shopping.

It was hilarious, trying to find food for his meal preps.

It was his first time.

'What seasoning do you think I should use?'

'Wah the potatoes so expensive one.'

'How to cook this broccoli sia? Do I have to boil it first? And how to cut???? So big???'

Seriously like an Aunty HAHAHA.

Nevertheless it felt good helping him out.

I spotted a teddy bear lying on the ground.

'Oh nooooo'

I quickly went to save it and put it back on the shelf.

He gave me a bewildered, amused face.

But I just kept a straight one.

He asked me if I wanted anything.

But I was all good.

All... good.

We checked the groceries out, and finally parted ways at the traffic junction.

'Will you be free next week?

'No I won't. 'Mum planned some dinner stuff'

'Oh, okay. Meet up some other time then.'

'Yeah, k sure.'

We hugged farewell.

And that was the last time we ever did.

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Cigarettes After Sex - K.

I remember when I first noticed that you liked me back
We were sitting down in a restaurant waiting for the check
We had made love earlier that day with no strings attached
But I could tell that something had changed how you looked at me then

Kristen, come right back
I've been waiting for you to slip back in bed
When you light the candle

And on the Lower East Side you're dancing with me now
And I'm taking pictures of you with flowers on the wall
Think I like you best when you're dressed in black from head to toe
Think I like you best when you're just with me
And no one else...

Kristen, come right back
I've been waiting for you to slip back in bed
When you light the candle

And I'm kissing you lying in my room
Holding you until you fall asleep
And it's just as good as I knew it would be
Stay with me I don't want you to leave...

Kristen, come right back
I've been waiting for you to slip back in bed
When you light the candle

Then

Page 953

I was out with my family.

But there was just something about today...

That got me so down.

We were going down the escalator.

And I saw the flower shop.

I dazed as the visions came back.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

'I don't know A... Should I? Is it worth the effort?'

'Just go for it. I can help out.'

I knew what I wanted to make. I had envisioned it in my head. It had to be something... special.

Me and my close friend went grocery shopping after lunch.

I grabbed the basket. And realised the handle was broken.

'UGH FML A. WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME. WHY IS MY LIFE SO DEPRESSIVE.' I whined. We both burst out laughing. It was true. Both of us always mess things up. I guess that's why we're both good friends.

'Hmm. Should I make from scratch?'

'Oo. There's pre-made one here'.

'F*ck it, I'll get that. That bitch aint worth the effort.' We both laughed hysterically again.

I headed home with the shopping bags. And on my way, I got a text from my brother.

'Are you going to Uncle's house?'

Huh? For what?

'Mum didnt tell you? He passed away today.'

I froze.

All these plans... What was I going to do about it? Was I going to cancel tomorrow again?

I thought long and hard...

Sigh.

I decided.. to go ahead with my plans. There were not loose ends anyway. I've already said what I wanted to him.

'You go ahead. I'm.. busy tonight.'

That night, I FaceTimed A again and he guided me through the steps. I wanted to tell him what was going on.. But I guess it was inappropriate. I didnt want to... feel guilty. That night I baked the cookies. And put them nicely in a container. I took a pen and note. And poured my heart out. Everything I wanted to say. Everything I felt. In the gentlest way possible. I sealed it nicely. And waited for tomorrow.

The next day came. I was getting ready. And he texted me.

'Did you send me flowers?'

....

I didnt know what to say.

Had someone already beat me to it? Was someone... wooing him as well? Then what was all this for? Was it worth it? A million thoughts flooded my brain.

'No'

'Oh you sure?.... then I guess I have a rough idea who its from'

I didnt bother probing.

I quietly proceeded with my journey. Waited outside his workplace. And he finally came out. Clearing drinks and we casually chatted. We finally proceeded to the smoking corner for his smoke break.

'Guess what it is. I won't give it to you until you get it right.'

He smiled.

Uhh. That container reminds me of CNY goodies.

'LOL NOPE.'

*tries to peek*

'NO PEEKING!'

'Ok...'

'Is it chocolate?'

'Yep.'

'Umm.... Hmm. '

*attempts several times*

'Cookies?'

'YES! Finally.' I passed it over. 

He tried to smell it. 'Oh wait my nose is blocked.'

He sniffed again.

'Oh that smells nice.'

'Can I read the letter?'

'Omg No.'

'Why.' He smiled cheekily, trying to open it.

'Are you the type that will run away if I do?

'Nah.'

'Orh okay..'  he puts it away.

We sat down for half and hour.

Talking about his day.

About his new tattooed thigh. - which I really admired.

About his presents.

About the... flowers... Which I was still disheartened about.

I even delayed my meet-up with my friends.

Just so I could spend more time with him.

Because I was just so lost in this... In us.

I wanted to give him more than a hug when I left.

But I guess there was never more.

He told me he loved the cookies.

But he'd never responded to the letter.

I guess, that was that.

And that was.. then.

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Anne-Marie - Then

We had it good, you know
I spent like six years
Making sure you came home to love
You had it good, you know

I stood by your side
I spent up so much time
Try to make you happy
I don't think you ever could be happy

Maybe you should try some therapy
Maybe you should lose a couple of homeboys, skip upon a homegrown
Look at me
Cause I need you to understand

Now when you think of late nights
And me there, in your bed,
True, ride or die that's what you had
I loved you, I loved you, I loved you

And when you think of my body on yours
Don't forget, once I would have died for you, baby
I loved you, I loved you, I loved you
But that was then
But that was then

You don't know shit, you know
You act this big man and
You think you are in control
But you don't know shit, you know

I stood by your side
And pulled you away from your fire
Again and again and again
I should have known fire would win

Maybe you should try some therapy
Maybe you should lose a couple of homeboys, skip upon a homegrown
Look at me
Cause I need you to understand

Now when you think of late nights
And me there, in your bed,
True ride or die that's what you had
I loved you, I loved you, I loved you

And when you think of my body on yours
Don't forget, once I would have died for you, baby
I loved you, I loved you, I loved you
But that was then
But that was then

[2x]
You gonna miss me
You really gonna miss me
You gonna miss me
You gonna miss me
You gonna miss me
You really gonna miss me

Now when you think of late nights
And me there, in your bed,
True, ride or die that's what you had
I loved you, I loved you, I loved you

And when you think of my body on yours
Don't forget, once I would have died for you, baby
I loved you, I loved you, I loved you
But that was then
But that was then