Of course we celebrated by being the indoor cats that we are.
We were out for breakfast this morning and experienced so much weird antics from diff strangers in such a short period of time today.
We were quite done with the outside world.
Hahaha.
We also caught LAMB which was produced by A24, directed byValdimar Jóhannsson.
I must say, I have been quite excited for it since the release of its trailer and I was not disappointed.
It was a breathtaking visual with chilling scenes pertaining to grief and loss. Such eeriness was very much appreciated by me and my partner. 5/5 for me.
It's the end of October already.
There are some interesting travel changes happening soon as we progress with the new world.
Time for fresh new sheets.
And a whole new excitement for the year to end.
Love, Eran.
Current Song Mood: JoJo - Fresh New Sheets
I don't wanna see anybody right now
I'm in the mood for company, just me
(Kinda crazy)
Mmm, oh
Ooh, it's been a long day
Caught up in a wrong thing
Don't know why I opened my eyes
I wish I could just lay here
Just me and my space here
I still can't find a way to melt the ice
I got these fresh new sheets and you said you were free
To come and break 'em in with me
Sounded good when I said it then
But maybe that ain't what I need
I get so attached then the comedown's bad
And I just end up hating me
'Cause even though I love your touch
I know that it's way too much
Please don't come over
'Cause you can't compete
With the things that I'm scared of
That keep love from me
And no, please don't come over
My heart's too weak
And I know I'm better
Than this sad, broken version of me
Oh, sometimes I wanna reach out
But then I start to freak out
Honestly, I'd rather turn my phone off
Because the energy that it takes
To be somebody, somebody just ain't in me
I'm too much of a mess to let you know
Please don't come over
You can't compete
With the things that I'm scared of
That keep love from me
So, please don't come over
My heart is just too weak
And I know I'm better
Than this sad, broken version of me
I know I'm better
I'm better, better
I know I'm better, oh
Than this sad, broken version of me
Please don't come over
My heart's just too weak
I know I'm better
Ain't it supposed to be further
And bigger than this when I walk in a room?
Don't they know what it is? Ooh
Trying to not think 'bout it just hurts like a bitch
Did gym, went for my booster shot, had breakfast, gamed and caught up with lots of music.
And then it was time to head to work.
The train doors opened and lo and behold.
Bumped into an old friend: Lincoln!
He was one of the producers for my first EP.
I was in shock, as was he.
I attempted to shake his hand and he went in for a hug.
Him: 'I gotta rush man!'
Me: 'Yea sure!'
I told him the hug felt like 5 seconds of therapy.
It was hilarious but true.
All the nostalgia from the studio days came back to me.
My partner told me; 'Maybe the Universe lets you meet him for a bit, to make you realise that is what you actually lost'..
And that was so true.
The moments I was creating music back in 2018-2019 with Jaz and Lincoln, those were my most memorable moments. Cause I was so broken back then, and so determine to make something out of myself. My feelings. Those moments made me feel so alive.
These days I feel like I'm just hustling, and time is just ticking away. Adulting sucks your soul away, and we are just waiting for the next payday.
That's... not living. Isn't it? But we've gotta survive in the meantime.
Well, it got worst when I reached work.
Let's just say my manager hinted an incident that happened was because of an incompetent staff.
Yeah, that staff involved was me. Not saying it directly but - it was quite obvious.
I was pretty upset throughout, anxiety attacks and all. I couldn't work like this.
I hated the feeling. It is really upsetting & brings out the worst I assume.
I doubted myself a lot. Like am I even good enough?
So I took a moment to calm myself, deep breaths and just did my tasks. Kept myself busy. By the end of it I was myself again. And I'm glad I didn't let it devour me.
I know I'm gentle as heck when it comes to my patients. Yet these incidents I cant seem to escape.
I'm just looking forward for the week to end.
Love, Eran.
Current Song Mood #1: JoJo - Worst I Assume
Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh Yeah, yeah Ooh, too lit Forgot who I was talking to-shit I don't wanna sabotage this Love ain't how they advertise it
I just hope you understand, yeah I know you be talkin' to your friends Ooh ya, tired And it feels one sided Little misguided But I ain't lookin' for no side dick I know I be fuckin' up the plans I just wanna say it in advance
Even though I thought I was right (Oh) I was goin' off that night (Oh) Sometimes I'm not that nice (Ooh, woah, oh) Even though I'm not that type (Ooh, woah, oh, oh) I just had to call for forgiveness (Oh) I know it's at least in double digits (Ooh-ooh, oh, woah) And I do it all the time, yeah (Yeah) Thinkin' you can read my fuckin' mind, yeah
I keep assuming, you're gonna do shit That might break my heart so I keep up my guard And I know it's confusin', how I put you through it My past and my scars, still make it hard I assume, ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh Always the worst, I assume Ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh Always the worst, I assume
I been sippin' on light, aye I'm just tryna pick a fight, aye, yeah Wonder if it's real life, aye Or if I'm just in a mood I know this can't be safe Arguin' on the freeway Makin' shit about me, babe On your b-day
You know I thought I was right (Oh) I was goin' off that night (Oh, I was really goin' off) Sometimes I'm not that nice (Ooh, woah, oh) Even though I'm not that type (Ooh, woah, oh, oh) I just had to call for forgiveness (Oh) I know it's at least in Some double digits (Ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh, oo) And I do it all the time, yeah (Yeah) Thinkin' you can read my fuckin' mind, yeah (Ooh yeah, baby, yeah)
I keep assumin', you're gonna do shit That might break my heart so I keep up my guard And I know it's confusin', how I put you through it My past and my scars, still make it hard I assume, ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh Always the worst, I assume Ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh Always the worst, I assume
Always the worst, I assume And I always do this You ain't in the mood for it
Current Song Mood #2: JoJo - Good Enough (Interlude)
Mercury's always in retrograde And everybody's movin' on, but I'm on the same page There's no use speakin' in absolutes But I'm scared that I'll never change Lookin at myself is infuriatin' I hate it 'cause I stop myself from even participatin' Engagin' in the conversation's drainin' It happens daily like I'm sideways
Is it? (Good enough) Are you? (Good enough) Can't be (Good enough) The way that you move (Good enough) You ain't (Good enough) Stuck on (Good enough) The things that you do (Good enough) Perfection (Good enough) Get it (Good enough) So much to prove So much to lose, yeah Is it? (Good enough) Are you? (Good enough) Can't be (Good enough) The way that you move (Good enough) You ain't (Good enough) Stuck on (Good enough) The things that you do (Good enough) Perfection (Good enough) Get it (Good enough) There's so much to prove
Is it? Do you feel you're not good enough for me? So much to prove
Things don't look the same in the thick of the night Wait for the sun rise It'll be alright Don't go let the world make you lose sight All that needs time
I'm thankful for our routine cause it keeps us so sane.
Something comforting about finding a cosy corner of your fave breakfast place.
And just sitting down, having conversations, eating good food.
Heh.
Spent the rest of the day gaming and catching up with shows.
Ate too much :( But I'll work on shedding it all.
I am starting to eat a lot of fruits these days, to help with my digestion.
Mainly white pears (cause they are so crunchy and refreshing when taken cold) and mangoes (my fave!)
We caught the first episode of Modern Love S2 and it broke us to pieces.
Forgot how emotional this series can be.
We've all been through grief, and it was heartwarming to see it being portrayed that way.
Spent the evening lying down and bringing down our barriers.
I love you so much & appreciate every moment of you.
To another 6 days of work.
Keep hustling & take care.
Love, Eran.
Current Song Mood: JoJo - B.I.D.
Ooh Ooh
I see how you feelin' and I need you to know That you can trust me to help you let go I'm making it easy Seems like most people I know hold everything in Just because they don't wanna be judged They'd rather be left untouched
Maybe we can sit down, get to know each other If you wanna be around I'm really good at bringin' it down Bringin' it down, bringin' it down (Ooh) Maybe we can sit down, get to know each other If you wanna be around I'm really good at bringin' it down Bringin' it down, bringin' it down
So you can breathe next to me Breathe next to me (Mm)
I don't have expectations, do you? If you wanna burst into tears, you can I'm not gonna get in the way You're the only one who can make it bad I'll always be here when you shed your skin Become a new man Take my hand, they don't always understand That we, we're all in this together And these changes gonna happen forever
Maybe we can sit down, get to know each other If you wanna be around I'm really good at bringin' it down Bringin' it down (Oh), bringin' it down Maybe we can sit down (Oh), get to know each other If you wanna be around (Oh yeah) I'm really good at bringin' it down Bringin' it down (Oh), bringin' it down
So you can breathe next to me (Oh) Breathe next to me (Mm)
Oh, boy, you can breathe next to me You don't have to feel like you're less than perfect Breathe next to me You should never feel like you're less than who you are Oh Oh, no Oh, no, no Now you can breathe, baby
Cant remember the last time I went to the beach. The strong saltwater air. The breeze. The mesmerising sight of the sea.
I dipped my feet into the waters and was brought back in time.
Back then, my family would frequently have beach outings. With my relatives too.
It was nostalgic. Those carefree times. Wonder where all that went.
I went with my colleagues. Bought nasi lemak and had a little picnic.
And one of them.. I saw right through her.
Even though she had a brave front up, I could see it clearly.
She was grieving.
And I understood completely.
Going to the places they had once visited.
And reliving some.. moments.
We cant go through everything by ourselves.
That's why we need a lift sometimes.
Surrounding yourself with happiness. Eating good food. Beach walks. Things that make you happy.
Overwriting the old memories associated to personal moments with new ones.
And just.. facing it.
The cold hard truth.
I feel for her.
And I empathise, completely.
Love, Eran.
Current Song Mood: JoJo - Lift
Bluebird in my window I wonder if she knows why I'm doing this again Which way the wind blows Oh, I got pretty far Now we're back in the dark Mm It could be the season that came out of reason And it's breaking my heart Got too close to my demons Can't do it myself Think I need something else
So can I get a lift? Gotta get somewhere other than this Breathe a little fresh air And after some reflection, I can't get there on my own I need a lift Mm
I keep meditating (Keep meditating) UV on my skin (UV on my skin) Go through all of the motions But they're not getting in Wrote my own prescription But it just doesn't hit (It just doesn't hit, just doesn't hit)
So can I get a lift? Gotta get somewhere other than this Breathe a little fresh air And after some reflection, I can't get there on my own I need a lift Mm Something's gotta give It's always bad weather It's no way to live I wanna get better And after some reflection, I can't get there on my own I need a lift Mm
Bluebird in my window I wonder if she knows that I'm doing so well That I got myself help So if you're feeling low Don't be hard on yourself
Like working 6 days in a week isn't tiring enough. 😬
I cant even imagine those working in the hospitals.
No wonder they're burnt out.
I honestly understand a lot of my friends that quit nursing.
Gotta put your mental health first.
But oh well, we make do with whatever time we have left.
So thankful for today, and my partner for keeping me sane.
My partner told me I'm fragile but I try to be tough on the outside.
Well it's true.
I just grew up that way.
One trigger and I could just dissolve.
Well, there's this saying.
You never really know how strong you are, until being strong is the only option you have left.
I don't exactly have vices or any other outlets to vent.
So I'd rather put up a brave front, and try not to think about it.
Love, Eran.
Current Song Mood: JoJo - Dissolve
You Scrollin' through your text messages Oh no
It's drizzlin' outside, but it's stormin' in my mind And the clouds have found their way to my tear ducts No, I can't keep holdin' on 'cause the waves are way too strong And way too deep now
Don't wanna get on these face I'm the one who needs to change I just wanna do somethin' for a minute You know that will solve nothin' I'll afford it at all costs 'Til the sun's down and the dreams come And I'm singing
I just wanna know if you ever really loved me at all 'Cause everything is different now And it makes me feel like I could dissolve Trying not to think about it But I need more than just a new distraction Now you should say something back 'fore I vanish into these walls Oh
Baby, baby, baby, baby I don't wanna just ghost, don't you float away, babe My thunder's loud and the lightning's gettin' even brighter, baby Yeah, it's shame for all that we wasted
Did you ever let up from your mouth? Not a sound, no warning, nothin' But you want me to go You were holdin' it in When you should have been holdin' it down for me Holdin' it down
I just wanna know if you ever really loved me at all 'Cause everything is different now And it makes me feel like I could dissolve (Yeah) Trying not to think about it But I need more than just a new distraction Now you should say something (You should say somethin') back 'fore I vanish into these walls
Or you'll never see You'll never see me again Trying not to think about How you don't think about me at all, oh Oh Mm Oh-oh Oh-oh
The staff guarding the area was busy mending the doorway.
The line was quickly forming up.
The screen I was at stayed put. Frozen.
So I went to another counter beside it.
I managed to scan it right this time.
The staff came up to my previous counter, looked at me and asked 'Why?'
I told her what happened.
'Next time let me know' her tone was passive aggressive.
The usually-friendly staff wasn't looking so friendly anymore.
I just apologised.
I headed towards the narrow exit. A lady blocked it partially while waiting for her groceries.
I squeezed past her, with my heavy bag behind me.
It knocked over some paper bags placed on the left.
I was stunned.
'What if it had been glass?'
But I was too tired & had no fight left in me.
A mixture of anger & embarrassment.
Picked it all up as everyone stared.
And just fucked off as fast as I could.
A panic attack followed.
By a series of negative thoughts.
'What a Monday.' I muttered and shook my head.
All I want to do now is bury myself under the covers.
And just spiral &disappear into nothingness.
Love, Eran.
Current Song Mood: JoJo - Spiral Szn
Mm Oh-oh Mm
Love a girl, lovin' everything but herself Pedestal for everyone, but she's on a shelf Emotional comatose You know how that shit goes, yeah Love a girl, loves to overthink it to death Underwhelmed by everything that she's ever did Woke up so half empty That's how I see it
Usually people compliment my positivity But my sanity ain't always there for me It's like that when you're your biggest enemy
Guess I'm having ice in my sauvignon I'm havin' one of those nights Where I need it right now You know that I can't chill (Oh) Never could, probably never will (I) I could do somethin' nice for myself, but I don't I keep on startin' fights with myself, goin' downhill Postpone the healing, it's spiral season again, yeah
Here comes the rain and the drama (Oh no) My place is next to the trauma No room for nothing else I know this season all too well (Yeah, yeah)
Usually people compliment my positivity But my sanity ain't always there for me It's like that when you're your biggest enemy (Ooh)
Guess I'm having ice in my sauvignon I'm havin' one of those nights (Yeah) Where I need it right now You know that I can't chill (Oh) Never could, probably never will (I) I could do somethin' nice for myself, but I don't I keep on startin' fights with myself, goin' downhill Postpone the healing, it's spiral season again, yeah
Usually people compliment my positivity But my sanity ain't always there for me It's like that when you're your biggest enemy
Ice in my sauvignon (Oh) I'm havin' one of those nights (Oh) Where I need it right now You know that I can't chill (Oh) Never could, probably never will (Never could, probably never will, I) I could do somethin' nice for myself, but I don't I keep on startin' fights with myself, goin' downhill Postpone the healing (Oh), it's
But I always make it worthwhile with my partner :)
We start the day with coffee.
Hunt for food.
Head home, freshen up and start gaming.
Listen to podcasts, stream music.
Followed by lunch, & catching up with our fave shows (TWD at the moment)
And just chill the rest of the day away.
Cant ask for anything more :)
It's healing. And recharges us for the week ahead.
Makes us feel alright.
Even though the world seems to be on fire (lmao).
It be like that.
Life goes on.
We just keep on keepin' on.
Until next week. x
Love, Eran.
Current Song Mood: JoJo - Feel Alright
Two different angles, but it's the same though, high and low Willing and able to walk away, but it's comfortable
So is it all in my head? It's not making sense, what is the truth? And do I love you this much or is this just something to do?
Lords knows I really wanna believe you're gonna change my mind I got a man that turns the other cheek just to feel alright I wouldn't tell you to come back just to hold me If I wasn't so scared of being lonely I'm holding on to the edge of a knife just to feel alright
When I come to my senses about you That's when I find myself again, by losing you I remember how it all began I was vulnerable and broken That was how you got under my skin And it's almost never been the same
So is it all in my head? It's not making sense, what is the truth? And do I love you this much or is this just something to do?
Lords knows I really wanna believe you're gonna change my mind I got a man that turns the other cheek just to feel alright I wouldn't tell you to come back just to hold me If I wasn't so scared of being lonely I'm holding on to the edge of a knife just to feel alright
Just wanna feel I'm, yeah Just wanna feel alright Just wanna feel I'm, yeah Just wanna feel Just wanna feel, yeah Just wanna feel alright Just wanna feel, babe, yeah Just wanna feel alright
I've had my own anxiety growing stronger every passing year.
My partner would know.
The amount of times I've broken down in our intimate moments.
I guess it's all the grief I've kept in me throughout the years.
I try not to think about it.
And just put on a strong front.
Shove it aside.
Knowing how unhealthy it is.
Most of the time it works out for me.
Other times when I spiral - it hits hard.
Yes, I do have my down moments.
I also apologise if I am such a hard person to read.
Or am too quiet at times.
I conversate better in my head.
But that doesn't mean I am unfriendly or stuck up. 😬
I am just being me.
A quiet, introvert.
Something about how I was raised.
To not talk back to my elderlies and just listen to whatever they said.
To keep opinions to myself.
I didn't have a voice.
And I grew up thinking that was fine.
And that's why I tend to keep my problems to myself.
Because I had always felt alone.
I never, never want to burden anyone with my own issues.
Now that I'm getting older, it's something that I'm working on.
Talking about them out loud, sharing, is therapeutic. And helps lift it off your shoulders.
I'm not sure if anybody can relate, but it can be hard sometimes for me to say the words I want to say.
It's like - I form it in my head but it just doesn't come out - or come out right. So most of the time I choose to bite my tongue instead.
There's a reason why I dread presentations, performances or even conversations sometimes. I would say I'm a better listener.
That, I can confirm I'm good at haha.
Again - I'm working on it.
That's how introverted I am.
But that's me.
And I hope.. you accept me.
:)
Love, Eran.
Current Song Mood: JoJo - Anxiety (Burlinda's Theme)
I wish that I could shut you off, keep you muted I wish I knew the difference between your voice and mine And mine I'm always puttin' out the fires that you started And every time I look around, it just looks bad on me On me
You only show up when it's inconvenient Always talkin' loud, fill my head up with lies Keepin' me home, keepin' me from leavin' You love just to take my time
Why you hate me? (Hate me) Hate me All you do is suffocate me, can't breathe And if I could choose (Ooh) It'd be me without you (Ooh) You drain me (Drain me), drain me All you do is try to change me (Change me), lately And if I could choose (Ooh) It'd be me without you (Ooh)
Ooh, it's crazy, crazy, crazy (Crazy, crazy, crazy) It's how you make me feel Oh, your power is amazin' (Your power is amazin') I don't recognize myself, no, no (No, no, no, no, no, no) No, no (Ooh)
You only show up when it's inconvenient Always talkin' loud, fill my head up with lies Keepin' me home, keepin' me from leavin' You love just to take my time
Why you hate me? (Hate me) Hate me All you do is suffocate me, can't breathe And if I could choose (Ooh) It'd be me without you (Ooh), oh You drain me (Drain me), drain me All you do is try to change me (Change me), lately And if I could choose (Ooh) It'd be me without you (Ooh)
(Oh, oh-oh) (Oh, oh-oh) Why won't you let me go? (Oh, oh-oh) Go (Ooh) Ooh (Oh, oh-oh) (Oh, oh-oh) Oh no, no, no Why won't you let me go? (Oh, oh-oh) Go, woah (Ooh)
Welcome to my word of sunshine Where it's rainbows and butterflies Welcome to my word of sunshine Rainbows and butterflies
Today would be a good day as any To get on up, get on up out of bed Step outside and be surprised at what you're finding You deserve a day outside your head
Welcome to my word of sunshine Where it's rainbows and butterflies Welcome to my word of sunshine Where it's rainbows and butterflies
Mm Ooh Ooh Oh-oh La-la, la-la-la, la-la (Ooh) La-la, la-la-la, la-la (Ooh) La-la, la-la-la, la-la Ooh Mm Oh
