Far

 Page 1561

Hey :)

It's been a while..

Have a lot going on in life, but still hanging in there.

Proud to say that I've just wrapped up the album. 

And I'm so happy I finally got to share it with my partner & best friend first.

The look on their faces made me so happy.

How proud they are..

Relieved. Grateful. Blessed.

I had no idea I would end up making an album.

The idea at the start of the year seemed so far.

And here we are.

It's certainly a big accomplishment for myself.

I.. cant wait to share it next year. 

x

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: SZA - Far

How do I deal with rejection?

I'm dealing with a lot of rejection right now
It makes me feel very small
Oh, that's great
If nobody wants you, you're free

Try to watch all on my silhouette
Try to watch all my emotions
Need a few brews, need a palm tree
I be drinkin' in private, don't call me to party it up
Fuck on your nigga for cardio
Took a dip and he fell in love right away
I put my feelings on layaway (Ah)

Done being used, done playing stupid
Done faking cool (I don't want none of that shit, I don't want it)
Done being screwed, done feeling clueless
That's how you do (I don't want none of that shit, got me runnin' so)

Far, far, like I don't recognize me
Far, far 'cause I let you define me
I'm far, far 'cause I can't trust nobody
Far, stay far, it's so far

Lately, I feel less cool than before
(Already under my bed about)
(Don't need you around to tell me I'm special)
Made you check your bullshit at the door
(Got it every time, need to feed my ego)
(Nobody wanted to be my hero)
Always on my mind, trust is hard to find
Everything reminds me of us
I just want my sanity back
Better than being your enemy
(Better than letting go, scared of that, oh)

Done being used, done playing stupid
Done being cool (I don't want none of that shit, I ain't goin')
Done getting screwed, done playing clueless
That's how you do (I don't want none of that shit, got me runnin' so)

Far, far, like I don't recognize me
Far, far 'cause I let you define me
I'm far, far 'cause I can't trust nobody
Far, stay far, it's so far

I remember when you had me upside down
Stressed me out and turned me out, it's all back now
I remember when I wasn't so burnt out
I'd rather that than be your enemy, ready to let it go

Draggin' me far, far, like I don't recognize me
Far, far 'cause I let you define me
I'm far, far 'cause I can't trust nobody
Far, stay far, it's so far

Bigger Than The Whole Sky

 Page 1560 

There's only so much we can do.

But to keep on moving forward.

Lost another patient today.

And she was someone so nice. So kind. So approachable.

She was bigger than the whole sky. 

Keeping you in my prayers tonight.

Goodbye.

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Taylor Swift - Bigger Than The Whole Sky 

No words appear before me in the aftermath
Salt streams out my eyes and into my ears
Every single thing I touch becomes sick with sadness
'Cause it's all over now, all out to sea

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
You were bigger than the whole sky
You were more than just a short time
And I've got a lot to pine about
I've got a lot to live without
I'm never gonna meet
What could've been, would've been
What should've been you
What could've been, would've been you

Did some bird flap its wings over in Asia?
Did some force take you because I didn't pray?
Every single thing to come has turned into ashes
'Cause it's all over, it's not meant to be
So I'll say words I don't believe

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
You were bigger than the whole sky
You were more than just a short time
And I've got a lot to pine about
I've got a lot to live without
I'm never gonna meet
What could've been, would've been
What should've been you

What could've been, would've been you
What could've been, would've been
What should've been you
What could've been, would've been you

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
You were bigger than the whole sky
You were more than just a short time
And I've got a lot to pine about
I've got a lot to live without
I'm never gonna meet
What could've been, would've been
What should've been you

Impaled

 Page 1559

I'm so fucking broken.

Impaled in the guts.

I want to die.

I've been drained the whole day.

Ran out of tears to cry.

Depressed.

Panic attacks.

Yet, everything comes back to me.

I'm the fucking problem right?

Fuck me.

I might do something stupid.

I guess it serves me right.

I dont fucking want to be here anymore.

I dont even know... if I can see you again.

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Skylar Grey - Impaled

I keel over
At the sound of your name
Crimson and clover
There's no cure for this pain

I believed you
I adored you
I revered you
Like I was born to

Now there's just a hole
Right here where my heart should be
And, no, it's not your fault
Baby, this is all on me

I ran into your knife
I guess it serves me right

I fell for the bullshit
I fell for the lies
I feel so stupid
I set myself up for this, alright

I believed you
I adored you
I revered you
Like I was born to

Now there's just a hole
Right here where my heart should be
And, no, it's not your fault
Baby, this is all on me

I ran into your knife
I guess it serves me right
I ran into your knife
I guess it serves me right
I ran into your knife
I guess it serves me right

I ran into your knife
I guess it serves me right

My Dying Spirit

 Page 1558

Started my 2-weeks leaveeeeeee.

And its been pretty productive so far :)

Been spring cleaning, decluttering, organizing, working out, catching up on shows & taking care of myself.

It feels good... to have all this time to myself.

To rejuvenate my dying spirit.

Just want to take things slow this time, spend more time at home.

Also exciting tingzzzz happening. Like finally recording my album hahah.

Initially wanted to use my leaves for travelling this year, but since that's not happening, gotta make use of it yeah? :)

Went to F1 for the first time with my partner last Friday, and boy, it was amazing.

Saw WINGS live and they were absolute rockstars. LEGENDS!!!

We chilled the rest of the evening away, had pretty awesome drinks and food, and waited for Marshmellow, who was the main headline.

I did noooot expect it to be a rave HAHA.

But heck, I enjoyed myself, and so did my partner whom went all out.

Spent the weekends with coffeee and had a patient outing with my company on Sunday.

Took the cable car ride for the first time. Holy heck it just kept going higher and higher. Theres goes my anxiety. Hahaha. But it was definitely fun xD And what a pretty view.

Went home to my partner to catch TWD Finale. The first two episodes wereeeeee. Insaneeeee.
Cant believe this series is ending.

I started watching when I was in Secondary School. I remember how intrigued I was. And I was a big fan of zombies. Look how far we've come.  Also now I have someone to share that with, I just feel.. blessed. 😂

Time to go make use of my holidays.

Stay safe & hydrated. :)

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Greyson Chance - My Dying Spirit

I'm barely on my feet, mama
I'm barely holding on by a thread
Every night I lose a different friend
Thought I had it how I wanted
And far away as I could ever dream
I don't think California's my speed

All on my own
All I know

If I'm high like those other guys you've kissed
Maybe I'll find you in my bed again
But I'm all alone, living on the edge
I'm right at the limit
Will I ever heal my dying spirit?

I'm hanging on a needless hunger
That keeps the tears out the devil's eyes
I don't eat because he tells me that it's fine
I'm barely even standing now
But goddamn, I need another round
I can hear my name out in the crowd, yeah, yeah

If I'm high like those other guys you've kissed
Maybe I'll find you in my bed again
But I'm all alone, living on the edge
I'm right at the limit
Will I ever heal my dying spirit?

If I was a hotel lobby, you'd be mighty fucking sorry
To be staying at this piece of shit right off Highway 9
I'm on the floor of my kitchen on a vaporizing mission
To find a little calm, please ease my mind
I'm so sorry Alexa, I won't make her graduation
But tell this lonely girl she's the apple of my eye
Tell her, take your time, take your time
Take your, take your, take your time
I get high

Yeah, oh baby, yeah
Every night I'm hanging by a thread
Yeah, oh baby, yeah

I'll never heal it, my dying spirit

Eat Me

 Page 1557

It doesnt end does it?

One thing after another.

While i'm grasping on my sanity.

I think work is just taking a toll on me today.

Sigh.

Eat me.

Difficult patients are not worth the mental toll. So do whatever you want.

It just sucks that I know what to expect.

That I will get an earful on Monday, for just being human.

Lol.

I'm quite sick and tired of this shit.

Just take me away.

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Demi Lovato Feat Royal & the Serpents - Eat Me

Be more predictable
Be less political
Not too original
Keep to tradition, but stay individual

Dirty but washable
Winning but stoppable
All that I'm hearing is
You want to make the impossible possible

Is this what you'd all prefer?
Would you like me better if I was still her?
Did she make your mouths water?
Uh

I know the part I've played before
I know the shit that I've ignored
I know the girl that you adored
She's dead, it's time to fucking mourn
I can't spoon feed you anymore
I can't spoon feed you anymore
Dinner's served, it's on the floor
I can't spoon feed you anymore
You'll have to eat me as I am
You'll have to eat me as I am

Clean and digestible (Clean and digestible)
Less of a spectacle (Less of a spectacle)
More one dimensional
Try to be sexy, but don't be too sexual (Don't be too sexual)

Please be presentable
Bit more accessible
Get up on your pedestal
Everyone's watching, so don't be forgettable

Longer hair and tighter clothes
Would you like me better if I didn't appose?
Silver platters, pretty bows
Fuck

I know the part I've played before
I know the shit that I've ignored
I know the girl that you adored
She's dead, it's time to fucking mourn
I can't spoon feed you anymore
I can't spoon feed you anymore
Dinner's served, it's on the floor
I can't spoon feed you anymore
You'll have to eat me as I am
You'll have to eat me as I am

Choke on it
Choke on it

I know the part I've played before
I know the shit that I've ignored
I know the girl that you adored
She's dead, it's time to fucking mourn
I can't spoon feed you anymore
I can't spoon feed you anymore
Dinner's served, it's on the floor
I can't spoon feed you anymore
You'll have to eat me as I am
You'll have to eat me as I am

Billie Bossa Nova

 Page 1556

OMFGGGGG BILLIEEEEEE

Can't believe I got to see her perform live.

It feels like a dream come true.

And who else better to share it with than my partner? :)

Cause I'm the one who introduced Billie's music to him HAHA.

First full concert after 2 years and here we are.

What a great start to to experience gigs again.

She was soooo amazing.

Rocking each performances. With FINNEAS supporting her on the side.

Man.

It's everything I could dream of.

And more.

🤍

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Billie Eilish - Billie Bossa Nova 

Love when it comes without a warning
'Cause waiting for it gets so boring
A lot can change in twenty seconds
A lot can happen in the dark
Love when it makes you lose your bearings
Some information's not for sharing
Use different names at hotel check-ins
It's hard to stop it once it starts
(It starts)

I'm not sentimental
But there's somethin' 'bout the way you look tonight
Makes me wanna take a picture
Make a movie with you that we'd have to hide

You better lock your phone
And look at me when you're alone
Won't take a lot to get you going
I'm sorry if it's torture though
I know, I know

It might be more of an obsession
You really make a strong impression
Nobody saw me in the lobby
Nobody saw me in your arms

I'm not sentimental
But there's somethin' 'bout the way you look tonight
Makes me wanna make 'em jealous
I'm the only one who does it how you like

You better lock your phone
And look at me when you're alone
Won't take a lot to get you going
I'm sorry if it's torture though
I know, I know

You better lock your door
And look at me a little more
We both know I'm worth waiting for
That heavy breathing on the floor
I'm yours, I'm yours
(I'm yours)

I'm not sentimental
I'm not sentimental
I'm not sentimental

Found

 Page 1555 

Things are finally looking up.

My dad got discharged 2 weeks ago and has been recovering pretty fast.

It's good to have him back home.

But that also means more responsibility now.

Something that has to be shared.

Work has been hectic, but I'm learning to take it with a pinch of salt.

It's important to have something to look forward to. To find light in the darkness.

And for me, its to spend time with my partner over the weekends :)

Coffee, movies, and just. Chill.

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Sandrayati - Found

Horses

 Page 1554

Things have gotten a little less chaotic these days.

Well, not so at work. (Cant wait for it to subside, ugh)

But at least in other aspects.

My dad's been recovering since getting admitted to ICU, and is currently resting in a general ward.

He's been doing PT everyday, not relying on oxygen at the moment and just waiting for some follow up scans.

It's not completely over, but I'm thankful.

At least I can breathe a bit now. :)

Been going through some existential crisis lately as well.

I feel that I'm missing out work wise, because I'm not working in a restructured hospital.

Well, we'll see how it goes.

Next year could be a turning point.

In the meantime, I'm gonna keep my head low and just work. :>

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Maggie Rogers - Horses

Watch you go
Cross the street
Like a dream
Out my window
Sucking nicotine down my throat
Thinking of you giving head

You said
You wondered 'bout the world
Well I have since I was a little girl
Watching white birds graze the hedge

Took me all this long to figure out
It's not worth it if I can't touch the ground
Can't believe I let it turn me 'round
Turn me onto you

I see horses running wild, I wish
I could feel like that for just a minute
Would you come with me or would you resist?
Oh, could you just give in?
I see horses and I know there's a way
I hear thunder, oh and I start to break
Would you come with me or would you resist?
Oh, could you just give in?

I believe in you
But the truth about dreams
Is they're a feeling that meets you in between
What you want and what you really need

Took me all this long to figure out
It's not worth it if I can't touch the ground
Can't believe I let you turn me 'round
Waiting up for you

I see horses running wild, I wish
I could feel like that for just a minute
Would you come with me or would you resist?
Oh, could you just give in?
I see horses and I know there's a way
I hear thunder, oh and I start to break
Would you come with me or would you resist?
Oh, could you just give in?

I can't wait up for you today
I'm leaving
Are you coming with me?
Can't hold me back
Can't hold me back
I'm going, I'm going, I'm going, I'm going away

I see horses running wild, I wish
I could feel like that for just a minute
Would you come with me or would you resist?
Oh, could you just give in?
I see horses and I know there's a way
I hear thunder, oh and I start to break
Would you come with me or would you resist?
Oh, could you just give in?

Oh, could you just give in?
Give in, give in, give in, give in

Borderline

 Page 1553

My life appears in shambles these days.

With a major crisis my family is facing.

My dad landed in ICU a week ago, and he's still there right now.

Things look pretty borderline.

I... I dont know what's going to happen.

But yet, I'm thankful.

Thankful I caught it on early.

Thankful for all the support I have from my close friends.

Thankful I about all the concerned family & relatives.

I have to be strong.

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Ry X - Borderline

Fall into the night, bodies swaying
Hold onto the silence, mine is heavy
The hardest part, want you to stay
Feel you breathing, are you ready?

I, I can take you there
I can take you there
Through the dark, to the borderline
I can take you there
I can take you there
Through my heart, to the borderline

Reach for me, call my name
Leave me here in this higher plane
This higher plane

I, I can take you there
I can take you there
Through the dark, to the borderline
I can take you there
I can take you there
Through my heart, to the borderline

Borderline
Through my heart, to the borderline
Borderline
Through my heart, to the borderline

Falling Back

 Page 1552

Hey yooooooo.

Been missing for a while, yeah.

Last month was quite a busy period for me.

Had so much gatherings, catch ups with friends etc.

But oh well, its a whole new month.

Here's what happened last month:

------ Got myself an Iphone 13 Pro Max. Ahahah. Hopefully this would inspire me to take more shots and videos. I'm grateful to even be able to afford it.

------- My close Buddy got married and I helped out a bit for the wedding.

It's an honour to be a part of his journey and watch him be where he is :)

We've come such a long way.

It was also nice to catch up with my army mates and officers haha. It felt like nothing had changed. Truly. I wish them all the best in their endeavours.

------Watched a play by another childhood friend. It took me back to 4-5 years ago when we would go to plays and support each other. I missed that so much. Those carefree days..

Work has been taking a toll on my mental health lately.

But I'm still fighting my way through day by day.

We'll see where it goes from here...

I'm a bit lonely now, but I'll get used to it.

For now, I'm thankful for my partner, my job and a roof over my head, falling back on me. 😊

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Drake - Falling Back 

Ayy, yo
Ayy, ayy
Oh

Finding myself
Showing myself
Finding a way to stay outta the way
Holding me back
Supposed to come right back
Guardin' myself while I'm all on display
I know you know all about it
I know, deep down, you feel the same
I know you know how I feel
I know you know how I feel
How do I, how do I feel? How do I feel?
How do you say to my face, "Time heals"?
Then go and leave me again, unreal
I see us fadin' away
I'm still holdin' my breath for the day that you will
See that the effort I make is too real
How can you say that you know how I feel?
Ayy, whee
How can you say you know what I'm feeling? Wait
Know what I'm feeling, wait
You don't feel nothing, wait
Nothing is healing, wait
Time is just killing, wait
How can you say? Wait
You know what I'm feeling, wait
You know what I'm feeling, wait
You don't feel nothing, wait
Time isn't healing, wait
Time is revealing, wait
How are you feeling? Wait
You don't feel nothing

Me
Me

Just like I expected, falling back on me
Falling with I, falling back on me
Falling back on me, falling back on me
Falling back on me, falling back on me
Falling back on me, falling back on me
Falling back on me, falling back on me
Falling back on me, falling back on me
Falling back on me
Falling back on me, falling back on me
Falling back on me, falling back on me
Falling back on me, falling back on me
Falling back on me, falling back on me
What would you do without me?
What would you do without me?
I think you would lose everything
Fallin' back on me

Wherever you are, you don't test

The Foundations Of Decay

 Page 1551

Recently I had an open house for Raya for all my relatives.

There was so much to do - At least my Mum had me and my 2nd Brother to help out.

And we were pretty fast workers haha.

I havent seen my relatives for 2 years and of course, I had bad anxiety and was triggered throughout the day.

But hey, it turned out better than I expected.

One of my cousins even gave me a big hug and screamed my name. Hahaha. Weirdo.

We had so much to catch up. And we talked about bands and music.

Man, it made me feel young again.

My other close cousins came in and out of the room, and we had so much to talk about.

Horror stories from when we were young.

About not getting married too fast.

And we joked about every single thing. Hahaha. I missed this. Gathering around and just.. talking.

These days I'm having a certain kind of hurt in my heart.

One I'd rather much bury inside and let it kill me.

I guess it's just the foundations of decay.

I just blast MCR and pretend I'm screaming in my head.

Thank God for Emo music.

Love, Eran.

Curent Song Mood: My Chemical Romance - The Foundations of Decay

See the man who stands upon the hill
He dreams of all the battles won
But fate had left its scars upon his face
With all the damage they had done

And so time, with age
He turns the page
Let the flesh
Submit itself to gravity

Let our bodies lay
While our hearts will stay
Let our blood in vein
Feel forgotten pain, now
If your convictions were a passing phase
May your ashes feed the river in the morning rays
And as the vermin crawls
We lay in the foundations of decay

He was there, the day the towers fell
And so he wandered down the road
And we would all build towers of our own
Only to watch the rooms corrode

But it's much too late
You're in the race
So we'll press
And press 'til you can't take it anymore

Let our bodies lay
While our hearts will stay
Let our blood in vein
Feel forgotten pain
And if by his own hand his spirit flies
Take his body as a relic to be canonized, now
And so he gets to die a saint
But she will always be the whore

(Let's flip out)

Against faith (Antihero)
Against all life (As if it must be pure)
Against change (We wander through the ruins)
We are free (The guiltiness is yours)

You must fix your heart
And you must build an altar where it rests
When the storm decays and the sky it rains
Let it flood, let it flood, let it wash away
And as we stumble through your last crusade
When you welcome your extinction in the morning rays
And as the swarming calls, we lay in the foundations

Yes, it comforts me much more
Yes, it comforts me much more
To lay in the foundations of decay

Get up, coward!

Why Am I Like This?

 Page 1550

So… I didn’t turn up to my family’s gathering today at my aunt’s.

Everyone was there I supposed. My relatives. My cousins. 

I do miss some of them. It’s been 2 years. 

But I just couldn’t do it. 

So I opted to work today. Hah. Why am I like this? Though its a rather good excuse right? Even though my workplace is like 5 mins away from my aunt’s. I just won’t. I don’t feel like it. 

I guess I’m still feeling a bit jaded from some people who commented on my weight gain the past few years.

I’ve always felt that people were gonna constantly judge me. Which is why I shy away from all these gatherings these days.

I’d rather not let myself go through the anxiety and hurt.

And escape all of the nosy questions of - how is work/ when are you gonna get a gf/get married. Blah blah. Lol. 

It's very redundant. I'd rather make peace with myself and distance myself from all of that. I guess it’s part of the reason why I wanted to disappear the start of the year.

But I do feel that I am getting better. So I’m just gonna do me, my own way. 

No, I’m not arrogant. I just have social anxiety. 

(:

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Orla Gartland - Why Am I Like This?

Last night I smoked a cigarette
My dad would have been so upset
Then we got tattoos by the coast
And I just stood there like a ghost

Maybe I'm an old soul trapped in a young body
Maybe you don't really want me there at your birthday party
I'll be there in the corner, thinking right over
Every single word of the conversation we just had

So why am I like this?
Why am I like this?
Why am I like this?
Why am I?
Why am I like this?
Why am I like this?
Why am I like this?
Why am I?
Why am I like this?
Why am I like this?
Why am I like this?
Why am I?
Why am I like this?

I saw a girl crying on the train
Gin and tonic from a can to ease the pain
And I never asked if she was okay
She just got up and walked away

Oh, it's like I'm looking down from the ceiling above
Never in the moment, never giving enough
Let's go out and shout the words we never said
I got my mistakes on loop inside my head
Inside my head

So why am I like this?
Why am I like this?
Why am I like this?
Why am I?
Why am I like this?
Why am I like this?
Why am I like this?
Why am I?
Why am I like this?
Why am I like this?
Why am I like this?
Why am I?
Why am I like this?
Why am I like this?
Why am I like this?
Why am I?

Why am I like this?
Why am I like this?
Why am I like this?
Why am I?
Why am I like this?
Why am I like this?
Why am I like this?
Why am I?
Why am I like this?
Why am I like this?
Why am I like this?
Why am I?
Why am I like this?

(Maybe I'm an old soul trapped)
Why am I like this?
Why am I like this?
Why am I like this?
Why am I?
(Maybe you don't really want me here)
Why am I like this?
Why am I like this?
Why am I like this?
Why am I?
(Maybe I'm an old soul trapped)
Why am I like this?
Why am I like this?
Why am I like this?
Why am I?
(Maybe you don't really want me here)
Why am I like this?

Maybe I'm an old soul trapped in a young body
Maybe you don't really want me there at your birthday party
I'll be there in the corner, thinking right over
Every single word of the conversation we just had