Habits

Page 103

ITS STAYCATION TIME!!! Hehe. Right now I'm all cuddled up in bed, blogging, while the rest are engrossed watching a horror movie. Its been quite a day!

Started off with meeting Ida at Admiralty, took the train to Bishan. And on the way there, we unexpectedly bumped into.. Lily!! Haha. So fated. We had lots of laughs and gossips till we reached Paya Lebar, where we met up with Prem and YX.

Look at mah biiig bag.

They wanted to test my new phone. Lol. 

We decided to go grocery shopping for a bit. :)

We then had lunch at Ananas Cafe and went to check in our chalet! :>

 Selfies with mah babes.

We were so excited like little kids. Lmao.

We booked in, explored the rooms, and took lots of selfless. (lots of unglamness)

Those faces. LOLOL.

Prem's face. I kennut HAHAHA.

HAHAHA DAMN FUNNY. Our 'first night' pose. ;)

We watched the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while waiting for the rest to arrive. Bern, Dan and Khan arrived, then we played the babi game. Hahaha won't go deep into that, but lets just say it caused us to be damn havoc. LOL. 

Selfies when Bern came. :>

Muahmuah. ._.

 More selfies lol.

Okayy I love these shots so much idky.

Irritants. HAHAHA.

Look at this sexy chick. HEHE.

Ohoh, and we had a little pasta party! Thanks Amsyar!

Went bowling at night. Haha as usual, I was either terribly bad, or surprisingly good.

Well that's it for today. So shagged. Looking forward for more fun tomorrow. xx

Love, Eran.

Gotta stay high all my life to forget I'm missing you.

Current Song Mood: Tove Lo - Habits

Uh-uh uh-uh uh-uh

I eat my dinner in my bathtub

Then I go to sex clubs

Watching freaky people getting it on

It doesn't make me nervous

If anything I'm restless

Yeah I've been around and I've seen it all

I get home, I got the munchies

Binge on all my Twinkies

Throw up in the tub, then I go to sleep

And I drank up all my money

Tasted kind of lonely

You're gone and I got to stay high

All the time to keep you off my mind, ooh ooh

High all the time to keep you off my mind, ooh ooh

Spend my days locked in a haze

Trying to forget you babe, I fall back down

Gotta stay high all my life to forget I'm missing you

Pick up daddies at the playground

How I spend my day time

Loosen up the frown, make them feel alive

I make it fast and greasy

I know my way too easy

You're gone and I got to stay high

All the time to keep you off my mind, ooh ooh

High all the time to keep you off my mind, ooh ooh

Spend my days locked in a haze,

Tryin' to forget you babe, I fall back down

Got to stay high all my life to forget I'm missing you

Staying in my play pretend

Where the fun ain't got no end

Oh, can't go home alone again

Need someone to numb the pain

Oh, staying in my play pretend

Where the fun ain't got no end

Oh oh can't go home alone again

Need someone to numb the pain

You're gone and I got to stay high

All the time to keep you off my mind, ooh ooh

High all the time to keep you off my mind, ooh ooh

Spend my days locked in a haze

Tryin' to forget you babe, I fall back down

Got to stay high all my life to forget I'm missing you

Silent

Page 102 (Chapter 5)

I'm back.

6 weeks away felt like forever. And no, I can't resist not blogging. So here's to a new chapter and many more pages. =)

Attachment is over and I'm finally able to have a peace in mind. It's been a fruitful 6 weeks.. experienced a lot and I'm proud to say that I'm getting comfortable with the idea of becoming a staff nurse.

B56

The first 3 weeks I was posted to this ward. I've been there before back in March last year. And if y'all listened to my Covers/Mixtape, you'd know how much my attachment there meant to me (Hint: Heart Attack, Blue Ocean Floor). That ward changed a lot of things for me back then; the amazing CI, colleagues, and also the moment where I really fell hard for someone. So naturally, going back to that ward was a blessing to me. And nostalgic as f-ck. My previous CI was still there, and she was still as awesome as ever. Most of the colleagues I worked with from last year were also there. It was so good to see familiar faces. I also worked with the new staffs and I got to make friends with one of them. *ahem* 

In the 3 weeks, I:

-Made a lot of (stupid) mistakes. Lmao. I won't mention them. But the thing about me is, I learn from them. I'm the type who will be 'bad at it till I'm good at it.'

-I got to pass my first official report. Pretty stressful stuff! But got to do it with the guide of one of awesome staff.  =)

-My shift people are just awesome. (Ryan, Efah, Cheryl, just to name a few). If I can be crazy with y'all it means I'm already comfortable with you guys. Hehe. *winkwink* 

From time to time, I get glimpses of the past, and the sweet moments that happened last year… Once again, the ward gave me lots of memorable memories. :)

B76

The next 3 weeks was spent at B76. It was my first time in this ward. And it was also Ida's former ward that she worked in. Generally it seemed messy at first, but then I slowly adapted. And the staff didnt seem that friendly too, haha. But as time went by I got used to them and actually, they're all pretty nice and alright. =) It was also the first ward where I got to work with Malay male staffs. Haha. Best la sia. So fun. 3 weeks past reallyyyy fast (with the help of Hari Raya Haji). Oh, and the CI was damn hilarious. She tends to speak fast and we laughed a lot trying to understand her. Bad, I know, but it was entertaining hahaha. Ended the last day with a celebratory KFC meal and a lots of slacking and selfies. Hehe.

Ryan - My bestest bro. Worked with him a couple of times before. And I really got to bond with him this time round! Thanks for bearing with my nonsense and the Setan in me. HAHAHA

Efah - Never thought I'd be friends with her hahaha. She's so annoying la this chou minah. Everyday I see her, feel like slapping her face up down left right centre. ._.

Cheryl - Omg I didnt even know she existed. She's such an amazing friend/leader/Sister/Bro to have haha. And we have similar taste in music!! Awesome la bro. *fistbump*

Siaw Ling - The cutest partner I ever haaad. Hahaha. *winkwink* Thanks for all your nonsense. And stop bullying me pls. ._. Haha. Stay strong Ah-Ling!

Oh, and here are some pics with my lovely babes!!!

I swear I'm gonna miss these guys. They made the postings much more bearable. The way we waited for each other to finish work like as if we were unseperable hahaha. And our hilarious moments.. Omg. Too cute. Can't imagine working without them :( Looking forward to our outing next week!

The past 6 weeks.. well… I guess I went through a couple of hard moments too. Love & heartbreaks as usual. But its alright, it's all part and parcel of life. I guess I'll talk about that some other time.

Gonna use this holiday (its my last one in poly) to really de-stress. Really need to savour these 2 weeks haha. Got a lot of things planned up already. Can't wait to share. :)

Happy holidays! xx

(Sometimes you will never know the true value of A MOMENT until it becomes A MEMORY).

Love, Eran.

I'm not meant to be silent.

Current Song Mood: Tori Kelly - Silent

Wake up in a new day, but it don't feel that new,

same faces around me with the same point of view

everything is perfect, and everything's okay, just

swallow the lies and let your emotions fade, but

my heart won't be quiet, I feel a change

no more black and white, this life's too colorful,

beautiful, don't know know what lies ahead, but

I'm ready now it's time, gotta go, gotta get out

of this town, leave my fear behind, nothing left

for me here can't stick around, my dreams are

loud and my hearts wide awake

and all i know is, I'm not meant to be silent

wake up to a new voice telling me where to

go, sounds like I got no choice, but to keep

on this road

Got my own opinion, my own words to say,

got my own vision so I know I can't stay, there's

no looking back now, I feel a change

I'm ready know it's time, gotta go, gotta get out

of this town, leave my fear behind, nothing left

for me hear can't stick around, my dreams are

loud and my hearts wide awake

and all i know is, I'm not meant to be silent

no more black and white, this life's too colorful,

beautiful, don't know know what lies ahead, but

I'm ready know it's time,leave my fear behind, my dreams are

loud and my hearts wide awake

and all i know is, I'm not meant to be silent

(I'm ready know it's time, yeah)

gotta go, gotta get out of this town

(and leave my fear behind me)

nothing left for me hear can't stick around

(I'm ready know it's time, yeah)

(I'm ready know it's time, yeah)

gotta go, gotta get out of this town

(and leave my fear behind me)

nothing left for me hear can't stick around

(I'm ready know it's time, yeah)

my dreams are loud and my hearts wide awake

and all i know is, I'm not meant to be silent

Guts Over Fear

Page 101 

Um. Hey. Well.. I've been thinking a lot. Hard. After last night's near-breakdown and the whole of today.. I realised how horrible & messed up I can get. And I guess the best way to grow up and learn is to push away your pride & ego, and acknowledge your mistakes. So I'm here to say, to anyone whom I've offended directly or indirectly, I'm truly, deeply, sincerely sorry.

This will be my last post before attachment starts. And it might just be the last one ever. I don't know if I want to continue blogging anymore.. I just think it's better to remain silent for now. But you can still find me on other social media platforms. Uhm. If I ever choose to come back, I hope to be a changed & better person. =)

So uh, this is it. Hope everyone is well and healthy. It's the flu season and I'm starting to fall sick. So take care of yourselves! And to my friends on attachment, all the best! :)

So yeah.. until next time. <3

Ps. This song of the day.. I feel like it was made for me.

Love, Eran.

Sorry.

Current Song Mood: Eminem Ft Sia - Guts Over Fear

Feels like a close, it's coming to

Fuck am I gonna do?

It's too late to start over

This is the only thing I, thing I know

Sometimes I feel like all I ever do is

Find different ways to word the same, old song

Ever since I came along

From the day the song called ''Hi! My Name Is'' dropped

Started thinking my name was fault

'Cause anytime things went wrong

I was the one who they would blame it on

The media made me the equivalent of a modern-day Genghis Khan

Tried to argue it was only entertainment, dawg

Gangsta? Naw, courageous balls

Had to change my style, they said I'm way too soft

And I sound like AZ and Nas, out came the claws

And the fangs been out since then

But up until the instant that I've been against it

It was ingrained in me that I wouldn't amount to a shitstain I thought

No wonder I had to unlearn everything my brain was taught

Do I really belong in this game? I pondered

I just wanna play my part, should I make waves or not?

So back and forth in my brain the tug of war wages on

And I don't wanna seem ungrateful or disrespect the artform I was raised upon

But sometimes you gotta take a loss

And have people rub it in your face before you get made pissed off

And keep pluggin', it's your only outlet

And your only outfit so you know they gonna talk about it

Better find a way to counter it quick and make it, ah

Feel like I've already said this a kabillion eighty times

How many times can I say the same thing different ways that rhyme?

What I really wanna say is, is there anyone else that can relate to my story?

Bet you feel the same way I felt when I was in the same place you are

I was afraid to

Make a single sound

Afraid I will never find a way out, out, out

Afraid I never before

I didn't wanna go another round

An angry man's power will shut you up

Trip wires fill this house with tip-toe love

Run out of excuses with every word

So here I am and I will not run

Guts over fear, (The time is here)

Guts over fear, (I shall not tear)

For all the times I let you push me around

And let you keep me down

(Now I got) Guts over fear, guts over fear

Feels like a close, it's coming to

Fuck am I gonna do?

It's too late to start over

This is the only thing I, thing I know

I know what it was like, I was there once, single parents

Hate your appearance, did you struggle to find your place in this world?

And the pain spawns all the anger on

But it wasn't until I put the pain in songs learned who to aim it on

That I made a spark, started to spit hard as shit

Learned how to harness it while the reins were off

And there was a lot of bizarre shit, but the crazy part

Was soon as I stopped saying "I gave a fuck"

Haters started to appreciate my art

And it just breaks my heart to look at all the pain I've caused

But what am I gonna do when the rage is gone?

And the lights go out in the trailer park?

And the window that was closing and there's nowhere else I can go with flows in

And I'm frozen cause there's no more emotion for me to pull from

Just a bunch of playful songs that I made for fun

So to the break of dawn here I go recycling the same, old song

But I'd rather make "Not Afraid 2" than making another mothafuckin' "We Made You" uh

Now I don't wanna seem indulgent when I discuss my lows and my highs

My demise and my uprise, pray to God

I just opened enough eyes later on

Gave you the supplies and the tools to hopefully use it to make you strong

And enough to lift yourself up when you feel like I felt

'Cause I can't explain to y'all how dang exhausted my legs felt

Just having to balance my damn self

But on eggshells I was made to walk

But thank you, ma, 'cause that gave me the

Strength to cause Shady-mania, so many empty that stadium

At least I made it out of that house and a found a place in this world when the day was done

So this is for every kid who all's they ever did was dreamt that one day just getting accepted

I represent him or her, anyone similar, you are the reason that I made this song

Everything you're scared to say don't be afraid to say no more

From this day on forward, just let them a-holes talk

Take it with a grain of salt and eat their fucking faces off

The legend of the angry blonde lives on through you when I'm gone

And to think I was gone

I was afraid to

Make a single sound

Afraid I will never find a way out, out, out

Afraid I never before

I didn't wanna go another round

An angry man's power will shut you up

Trip wires fill this house with tip-toe love

Run out of excuses with every word

So here I am and I will not run

Guts over fear, (The time is here)

Guts over fear, (I shall not tear)

For all the times I let you push me around

And let you keep me down

(Now I got) Guts over fear, guts over fear

Personal

Page 100

Hello. To start this 100th post off, I wanna do this 100-questions thingy I found from the internet hehehe.

1. Last kiss - 9 months ago
2. Last phone call - Yesterday
3. Last text message - 5 mins ago
4. Last song you listened to - Ariana Grande - My Everything
5. Last time you cried - last month, the day before fasting started.

HAVE YOU EVER: 
6. Dated someone twice - Lol uhm.. Kinda. But no I guess not.
7. Been cheated on - I probably did.
8. Kissed someone & regretted it - Yep.
9. Lost someone special - Yeah..
10. Been depressed - Definitely did.
11. Been drunk and threw up - Never.

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU: 
12. had sex - Does masturbating count.
13. How many people have you had sex with this year? - What kind of sex? LOL.
15. Made a new friend - Lots. =)
17. Laughed until you cried - Yes.
18. Met someone who changed you -Yep.. :)
19. Found out who your true friends were - OHHH DEFINITELY. Year 3 = true colours come out.
20. Found out someone was talking about you - Lol yes..
26. What did you do for your last Birthday - Well I had school. But I was surprised 3 times over 2 days by my friends haha. <3
27. What time did you wake up today - 11am
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for - For JoJo to finally release her highly-anticipated 3rd album.
30. Last time you saw your all of your siblings at the same time - Very rarely actually o_o a couple months ago i guess.
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life - Get motivated to workout
32. What are you listening to right now - Ariana Grande's newest album!!
33. When is the last time you had sex? - Ahem. I'm a virgin la.
34. Who’s getting on your nerves right now - My family.
35. Most visited webpage - Twitter
36. Favorite colour - Baby Blue
37. Nicknames - Eran, Syah
38. Relationship Status - Friends with benefits (epp)
39. Zodiac sign - Aquarius
40. Male or female - Male
41. Primary school - Peixin Primary School
42. Secondary School - Canberra Primary School
43. High school/college - Ngee Ann Polytechnic I guess.
44. Eye color - Black
46. Height - 160cm
47. Do you have a crush on someone - Yes.
48. What do you like about yourself - My eyes and eyelashes.
49. Piercings - I have a piercing voice does that count? LOL.
50. Tattoos - None.
51. Righty or lefty - Righty!

FIRSTS: 
53. First piercing - Nil
54. First best friend - WHO SIA.. HMMMM. I guess that would be Amirul in Sec School!
55. First hookup - An online stranger.
56. First heartbreak - 9 months ago, by thee who shall not be named.

RIGHT NOW: 
59. Eating - Nope
60. Drinking - Nope
61. I’m about to - sleep
62. Listening to - music
63. Waiting for - A text message that probably won't come.

YOUR FUTURE: 
64. Want kids? - Yes. 3 kids pls.
65. Get married? - Yes :)
66. Career - Recording Artist/Flight Steward/Nurse/Police-Detective

WHICH IS BETTER: 
67. Lips or eyes - Eyes
68. Hugs or kisses - Hugs
69. Shorter or taller  - Same height pls.
70. Older or Younger - Same age can?
71. Romantic or spontaneous - Spontaneous
72. Nice stomach or nice arms - nice stomach. Aiya both also can laa HAHA.
73. Sensitive or loud - Sensitive. I can't stand loud people, sorry.
74. Hook-up or relationship - Relationships of course.

HAVE YOU EVER: 
76. Kissed a stranger - Yes
77. Drank hard liquor - No.
78. Lost glasses/contacts - Nope.
79. Had sex - Why u keep asking me this hais.
80. Broken someone’s heart - Yes..
82. Been arrested - No
83. Turned someone down - Countless times.
84. Cried when someone died - Yeah.
85. Fallen for a friend - Yeap.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 
86. Yourself - Sometimes. I guess it's something I need to do more. If I don't, who will?
87. Miracles - Yes
88. Love at first sight - Yep. That was in.. Sec 2 hahaha.
89. Heaven - Yes!
90. Santa Clause - No cause I never get any presents. :( Or maybe I've been too naughty..
91. Kiss on the first date - Not necessary.
92. Angels - Yes :)
93. How would you label yourself? - Introvert, Sentimental, Dreamer
94. Someone You Pray Everyday For - My parents and grandmother.
95. Did you sing today - Hahaha yeah ;)
96. Who From All Your Ex’s have You Cared The Most About - Never been in an official relationship.. but the last one was pretty special to me. 
97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go? - Back to 2011
98. Out Of Everything In The World What Do You Wish For - No poverty in the world.
99. Are you afraid of falling in love? - No, not anymore. Just more cautious.
100. Do you like the way you look? - I have my flaws, but I do love myself. :)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hahaha been years since I've done this! Umm due to some unexpected events (last night) some facts above that were written a few days ago are subjected to change. Ahem.

So yeah, my week has been.. interesting. Completed my last exams of the sem (And my poly life). WOOHOO. Been recording music, meeting new people, and just being me & enjoying life. =) Heh..

Well okay. I'm gonna be a bit personal. People come and go in my life. I'm used to it. You came at a really hard period in my life. But you left.. and then you came back. And I was really surprised. Because there wasn't anyone like you. I know how you are now. Your character, your weird personality. I understand. But I've tolerated long enough. I really really wanted to see you again. Hang out, have fun. Like we used to. But you don't even seem interested anymore. I really don't know how to speak to you now. There's only so much I can take. There's only so long I can wait. And it's making me feel like I deserve so much better. And that's sad considering how I feel about you. Please don't get me wrong. I'm probably overreacting. You know how an emotional wreck I can be. My feelings have never changed. But one day they will. The question is, are you gonna let that happen?

I feel like.. I'm a complete different person this year. Maybe it's still too early to say but, yeah. I feel kinda more edgier & bold now. Rough around the edges.. but if you treat me right, I'll give you the best of me.

Well.. gonna savour my last remaining day before work starts. Probably have *no plans* tomorrow. Lol. Ciao!

Love, Eran.

There's only so much I patience I can have waiting on you.. Chances I'm giving are running low. I know what I want. Do you?

This song's for you.

Current Song Mood: Tori Kelly - Personal (Live)

What am I gunna do with this heart?
Catching all these bad arrows and darts.
I don't wanna be lonely, but I know what I want.

Maybe this train has run out of steam,
Cuz there's nothing but nothing between you and me.
I don't wanna see you lonely, but I know what I want.
And it ain't you no more.

Spend my whole life looking for the one I could call,
Wasted all my time on you, trying to make this beautiful.
But it's clear to see, you don't love me at all.
Baby, go ahead and say it. I won't take it personal.

 If you don't stop to count your blessings.
One day you'll wake up and find them missing.
I don't wanna leave you lonely,
But you gotta know what you want.

If you want a love that's only pretend,
Baby you should've bought a Barbie and Ken.
Well my heart's not a toy to play with, now it knows what it wants.
And it ain't you no more.

Spend my whole life looking for the one I could call,
Wasted all my time on you, trying to make this beautiful.
But it's clear to see, you don't love me at all.
Baby, go ahead and say it. I won't take it personal.

But then again maybe I will, but we do it all for the thrill.
Does part of you love me still?
No scratch that, say goodbye seal the deal.
Real is what you want now don't ya?
But I'm not the one now for ya
This was already over before it began so walk away

I spend my whole life looking for the one I could call,
Wasted all my time on you, trying to make this beautiful.
But it's clear to see, you don't love me at all.
Baby, go ahead and say it. I won't take it personal.

Wasted all my time on you, trying to make this beautiful.
But it's clear to see, you don't love me at all.
Baby, go ahead and say it. I won't take it personal.

I don't want to be lonely, I know what I want.