Kettering

Page 486

Just gonna update on what happened.. on

my 21st.

----------------------------------------------------

Mentally prepped myself not to expect anything since I was in camp.

Spent the morning with the usual routine.

Laughing/smiling with good company.

Feeling happy even when no one knew.

I was enjoying the little things in life.

After lunch, I took a nap on the floor.

The other bunk mates suddenly appeared.

'So... it's someone birthday huh.' a smirk on H's face.

They covered me in blanket and started a 'blanket party'. 

Hahaha. 

'How you guys know sia.' 

I really was surprised.

They sang a loud birthday song, and not long after, the 2 horniest in the platoon came by.

'Your birthday?! Omg come we give you a lap dance.'

HAHAHAHAHAH.

Those 2 totally made my day sia. Lap dancing, stripteasing, spanking my butt all.

Totally made me smile the whole day. These annoying lovely people. <3

Evening came... and then it happened.

I got out of the shower. Read the text, and my heart dropped.

I raced downstairs to look for help.

No one.

I ran back up, searched for the IC, and asked for the important numbers.

I was given clearance.

I changed, got out of camp, and my brother picked me up.

He was in tears.

And I was holding back.

I rushed to the hospital.

Saw my Dad, and he took me to her.

I went in, hugged Mum, and I saw her.

There she was, lying on the bed. So weak. So different.

She had a stroke in the morning.

And they didnt tell me cause they were scared of spoiling my mood.

I grabbed Grandma's hands.

And she squeezed my hand.

I was surprised. She had so much strength in her.

She started pointing to her head.

And did a squeezing motion.

I was somehow amused at this. 

My cute Grandma was signalling me to give her head a massage.

And I did just that.

I was so impressed.

She could hear and understand us well.

She just couldnt talk anymore.

The whole day I didnt know how to feel.

She kept looking to the side.

Her hands were pointing as thought they were reaching out for something.

She'd signal 'stop'.

Like as if she was seeing something we all couldnt.

Like.. as if she was saying:

'Not now, don't take me away just yet.'

It gives me chills just thinking about it.

'I'm so sorry, it's your birthday some more.' My Mum said.

And I brushed it off.

This was more important.

I didn't know how to even feel about it.

God has such an unusual plan to everything.

But that's okay.

I'll accept this fate.

I went back to camp.

I could see my curious mates gathered outside my bunk.

They saw me and were pretty concerned.

Thank you guys.

And thank you for all those that reached out to me,

And your words of encouragement.

I cried myself to sleep that night.

But felt much more empowered in the morning.

She's still fighting strong.

And so will I.

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: The Antlers - Kettering

I wish that I had known in that first minute we met, the unpayable debt that I owed you. 
'Cause you'd been abused by that bone that refused you, and you hired me to make up for that. 

Walking in that room when you had tubes in your arms, those singing morphine alarms out of tune.
They kept you sleeping and even, and I didn't believe them when they called you a hurricane thunderclap.

When I was checking vitals I suggested a smile. You didn't talk for awhile, you were freezing. 
You said you hated my tone, it made you feel so alone, and so you told me I ought to be leaving. 

But something kept me standing by that hospital bed, I should have quit but instead I took care of you. 
You made me sleep all uneven, and I didn't believe them when they told me that there was no saving you.

I Am

Page 485

I really don't know where to start.

Or what to say.

I'll just leave it to my other social media.

I've been so uneasy the whole day. 

And I will continue to the whole night as I head back camp tonight.

Stay strong please.

Hang in there for us.

I know I'm stronger than this. 

I know I Am.

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: JoJo - I Am

Mirror mirror on the wall

You seem to think you know it all

Why do, why do I believe?

You tear me down just to laugh

But if I break your shiny glass

I just see pieces of me

No, no, no don't you dare

Who do you think you are standing there?

I tell you

I am, I am, I am, I am worthy of love

Am I, am I, am I, am I strong enough?

Because it feels like I'm not anything at all

But I am, I am, I am, I am beautiful

Fool me once, shame on you

Fool me twice, that's what you do

It's time to change up the game

Can't be that little girl no more

The one you cut up on the floor

I'm done with all the shame

And no, no, don't you dare

Who do you think you are standing there?

I tell you

I am, I am, I am, I am worthy of love

Am I, am I, am I, am I strong enough?

Because it feels like I'm not anything at all

But I am, I am, I am, I am beautiful

There was a time when I let you in

Feed on the doubt underneath my skin

I think it's time that I see the way

I am, I am, I am, I am worthy of love

Am I, am I, am I, am I strong enough?

Because it feels like I'm not anything at all

But I am, I am, I am, I am beautiful

As Real As You And Me

Page 484

I woke up from slumber, drowzy, to Mum's worried voice.

She was panicking to Dad.

It was Grandma.

She was having shortness of breath since last night.

I stood up, as they got ready. And I contemplated whether I should tag along.

And I did.

And I'm so glad, that I did.

We reached her house. Grandma was already outside. Looking weak. Cold and clammy.

I grabbed the wheelchair, pulled it open and sat her on it, wheeling quickly to my aunt's car.

We transferred her. And I took the other car with Dad.

I was pissed at him.

He was taking his own sweet time. Making space for the wheelchair slowly. While the other car drove off.

'Really? You're gonna do this now?'

My head was fuming.

He drove slowly............

And dropped me off at the A&E.

I called Mum and she said she hasn't reached yet.

'Wow, that's a surprise.' I muttered. Since Dad drove so slowly.

I took a wheelchair nearby, opened it up and waited.

Seconds later the car stopped by.

We transferred her, and took her inside. She was starting to vomit. The staff inside saw me wheeling her in.

She immediately took over.

'Follow me.'

And transferred my grandma to the bed. Doctors, nurses, all surrounded her, helping her to settle down. And I went outside to register.

The staff came back and told me to wait outside afterwards. She was so polite, and I was super thankful for her.

The whole morning we waited, and finally the doctor came out. 

'Fluid retention' he said.

That familiar term.

We took turns visiting her 1 by 1.

My turn.

I walked in, and saw her with a face mask machine that I've never since before.

'That's fancy,'

I held her hand gently and whispered to her.

This was weird.

Because right before me isn't just a patient, it's my own grandmother.

She was weak and tired but,

She could hear & understand me.

That was more than enough.

Poor her.

What a morning indeed.

I'm sad that this had to happen.

This is suppose to be a big week for me.

But your sickness is more important.

This is as real as you and me.

The urgency to be there for her and look out for her is real.

But sadly, I'm not able to.

Please get well soon.

Hang in there Grandma.

I love you.

Love, Eran.

I wanna be there for you.

Current Song Mood: Rihanna - As Real As You And Me

There could be a freak accident
There could be a fatal disease
I know we hate to think about it
But this as real as you and me
This as real as you and me

We could all fall down
Before our Saviour could return
I know we hate to think about it
But it's as real as you and me

If I should go
Hold my hand
If I should leave
Darling cover me, please

The earth could quake to ruin
We could drift off in our sleep
I know we hate to think about it
But this as real as you and me
This as real as you and me

The ocean crushed the shore
And take us down forevermore
I know we hate to think about it
But this as real as you and me

If I should go
Hold my hand
If I should leave
Darling cover me, please

I know we hate to think about it
But it's as real as you and me
It's as real as you and me

Kiss It Better

Page 483

Feeling a little emotionally overwhelmed tonight.

Maybe it's the FB history I've been checking.

Maybe it's these songs that are taking me back.

The memories that comes back along with it.

Or the fact that I'm turning older soon.

That special day...

I'm not sure.

Maybe I'd rather be content with loneliness.

Whenever I'm feeling down..

I tell myself that there are bigger problems in the world.

I need someone out there.

To kiss it better.

Love, Eran.

What are you willing to do?

Current Song Mood: Rihanna - Kiss It Better

Kiss it, kiss it better, baby
Kiss it, kiss it better, baby

Been waiting on that sunshine
Boy, I think I need that back
Can't do it like that
No one else gon' get it like that
So why argue? You yell, but you take me back
Who cares when it feels like crack?
Boy you know that you always do it right
Man, fuck your pride, just take it on back, boy
Take it on back boy, take it back all night
Just take it on back, take it on back
Mmm, do what you gotta do, keep me up all night
Hurting vibe, man, and it hurts inside when I look you in your eye

[Chorus:]
What are you willing to do?
Oh, tell me what you're willing to do?
Kiss it, kiss it better, baby
Oh, what are you willing to do?
Oh, tell me what you're willing to do?
Kiss it, kiss it better, baby

Been waiting on that sunshine
Boy, I think I need that back
Can't do it like that
No one else gonna get it like that
So why argue? You yell, had to take me back
Who cares when it feels like crack?
Boy, you know that you always do it right
Man, fuck your pride, just take it on back, boy
Take it on back boy, take it back all night
Just take it on back, take it on back
Mmm, do what you gotta do, keep me up all night
Hurting vibe, man, and it hurts inside when I look you in your eye

[Chorus:]
What are you willing to do?
Oh, tell me what you're willing to do?
Kiss it, kiss it better, baby
Oh, what are you willing to do?
Oh, tell me what you're willing to do?
Kiss it, kiss it better, baby

I've been waiting up all night
Baby, tell me what's wrong
Go on and make it right
Make it all night long
I've been waiting up all night
Baby, tell me what's wrong
Go on and make it right
Make it all night long
Man, fuck your pride, just take it on back
Just take it on back bae, take it back all night
Just take it on back, take it on back
Mmm, do what you gotta do, keep me up all night
Hurting vibe, and it hurts inside when I look you in your eye

[Chorus:]
What are you willing to do?
Oh, tell me what you're willing to do?
Kiss it, kiss it better, baby
Oh, what are you willing to do?
Oh, tell me what you're willing to do?
Kiss it, kiss it better, baby
What are you willing to do?
Oh, tell me what you're willing to do?
Kiss it, kiss it better, baby
Oh, what are you willing to do?
Oh, (tell me baby) tell me what you're willing to do?
Kiss it, kiss it better baby

Four Walls

Page 482

Wow I'm pooped.

Just spent the whole day recording.

Gotta give myself a break.

But it's almost done.

And I can't wait to share it.

Things fall into place in the most unexpected ways.

Everyone's out celebrating CNY, going out and stuff. 

But I'm gonna confine myself inside these four walls for this week.

I won't rest until it's right.

Love, Eran.

So close.

Current Song Mood: Broods - Four Walls

You walked in and said, "I've got some news
I didn't say all I wanted to
You know I told you that I wasn't scared. Well, I lied."
You told me, "Babe I only think of you."
And I said, "All I've got is a bunch of sad stories."
And I told them all before the night was through
And we cried, oh, but we're here now
And I'm trying hard to make you love me but I don't wanna try too hard
And I'm trying hard to take it lightly but we're here now

Those four walls now are the only place that I can breathe out
And those four walls now are home
Those four walls now are the only place that I can feel
Those four walls now are home

I wanna make you feel how I feel when I'm listening to love songs
I wanna take you to the peak of everything that you are
You're everything I need tonight
And I'm trying hard to make you want me
But I don't wanna try too hard
I was thinking you got what you came for
But you're here now

Those four walls now are the only place that I can breathe out
Those four walls now are home
Those four walls now are the only place that I can feel
Those four walls now are home

Falling at the hand of a perfect man
Falling at the hand of a perfect man

Those four walls now are the only place that I can breathe out
Those four walls now are home
Those three words now are the only thing that came to save me
Those three words now are home

Falling at the hand of a perfect man

Same Ol' Mistakes

Page 481

Hey guyssss. 

Didnt blog last night cause I was pretty busy filming something. 

*winkwinkz*

Enjoyed myself a lot.

Really reconsidering what I wanna do.

I love trying out new things.

I guess change is inevitable.

And for some, it works out better than others.

Makes me feel like a brand new person.

With the same ol mistakes.

Love, Eran.

I hope you stop changing.

Current Song Mood: Rihanna - Same Ol Mistakes

I can just hear them now
"How could you let us down?"
But they don't know what I found
Or see it from this way around
Feeling it overtake
All that I used to hate
Worried 'bout every trait
I tried but it's way too late
All the signs I don't read
Two sides of me can't agree
When I breathe in too deep
Going with what I always longed for

Feel like a brand new person
(But you make the same old mistakes)
I don’t care I’m in love
(Stop before it’s too late)
Feel like a brand new person
(But you make the same old mistakes)
I finally know what is love
(You don’t have what it takes)
(Stop before it’s not too late)
(I know there’s too much at stake)
(Making the same mistakes)
And I still don’t know why it’s happening
(Stop while it’s not too late)
And I still don’t know

Finally taking flight
I know you don't think it's right
I know that you think it's fake
Maybe fake's what I like
Point is I have the right
I'm thinking in black and white
I'm thinking it's worth the fight
Soon to be out of sight
Knowing it all this time
Going with what I always longed for

Feel like a brand new person
(But you make the same old mistakes)
But I don’t care I’m in love
(Stop before it’s too late)
Feel like a brand new person
(But you make the same old mistakes)
So how do I know that it's right?
(You don’t have what it takes)
(Stop before it’s not too late)

Man, I know that it's hard to digest
But maybe this story ain’t so different from the rest
And I know it seems wrong to accept
But you've got your demons, and she's got her regrets
And I know that it's hard to digest
A realization is as good as a guess
And I know it seems wrong to accept
But you've got your demons, and she's got her regrets
But you've got your demons, and she's got her regrets

Feel like a brand new person
So how will I know that it's right?
In a new direction
So how will I know I've gone too far?
(Stop thinking You're the only option was)
Feel like a brand new person
I finally know what it's like
(Stop thinking you're the only option, oh)
So how will I know I've gone too far?
(Stop thinking you're the only option, oh)
And I know it's hard to describe
(Stop thinking you're the only option, oh)
So how will I know that it's right?
(Stop thinking you're the only option, oh)
I finally know what it's like
(Stop thinking you're the only option, oh)

Purpose

Page 480

It's the 1st of February.

And all I wanna do right now is wrap myself up in a ball and hide under the covers.
I haven't been myself lately.

Somehow I've just been feeling down.
Expected it.

Maybe I'm just better off on my own.
It's always been that way for me.
Gotta focus more on myself this year.
I'm turning older very soon.
The thought of being a full-fledged adult scares the shit out of me.
So many goals.
So many things I wanna achieve.
Will I live long enough to achieve it?
Youth is constantly ticking.
What are YOU doing to make your lifetime worthwhile?
Find YOUR purpose.

Love, ERAN.

I'm still finding mine.

Current Song Mood: Justin Bieber - Purpose

Feeling like I'm breathing my last breath
Feeling like I'm walking my last steps
Look at all of these tears I've wept
Look at all the promises that I've kept

I put my heart into your hands
Here's my soul to keep
I let you in with all that I can
You're not hard to reach
And you bless me with the best gift
That I've ever known
You give me purpose
Yeah, you've given me purpose

Thinking my journey's come to an end
Sending out a farewell to my friends, forever peace
Ask you to forgive me for my sins, oh would you please?
I'm more than grateful for the time we spent, my spirit's at ease

I put my heart into your hands
Learn the lessons you teach
No matter when, wherever I am
You're not hard to reach
And you've given me the best gift
That I've ever known
You give me purpose everyday
You give me purpose in every way

Oh, you are my everything
Oh, you are my everything

[Spoken:]
I don't know if this is wrong because someone else is telling me that it's wrong but I feel this so let me just like, try my best not to let this happen again. We weren't necessarily put in the best position to make the best decisions.

You can't be hard on yourself for these were the cards that you were given so you have to understand that these, like... that's not who you are. You're trying to be the best you can be but that's all you can do. If you don't give it all you got, you're only cheating yourself. Give it all you got, but if it ends up happening, it ends up happening.

That's what it's....that's what's happening with me. It's like God I'm giving it all I got, sometimes I'm weak and I'm gonna do it, and it's like I'm not giving myself grace, I'm just like understanding, that's just how it is.