To Die For

Page 1338

Always be thankful.

That's how you find positivity in life.

For having a roof over our heads.

For having adequate food.

For having.. someone to die for.

For just.. being alive.

There is so much more to live for. 

Yes.

It is really how thankful you are.

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Sam Smith - To Die For/(Olafur Remix)

(It is as everyone dies alone.)
(Does that scare you?)
(I don't wanna be alone.)

I look for you
Every day
Every night
I close my eyes
From the fear
From the light
As I wander down the avenue so confused
Guess I'll try and force a smile

Pink lemonade sipping on a Sunday
Couples holding hands on a runway
They're all posing in a picture frame whilst my world's crashing down
Solo shadow on a sidewalk
Just want somebody to die for
Sunshine living on a perfect day while my world's crashing down
I just want somebody to die for

I long for you
Just a touch
(Does that scare you?)
Of your hand
You don't leave my mind
Lonely days I'm feeling
Like a fool for dreaming

As I wander down the avenue so confused
Guess I'll try and force a smile

Pink lemonade sipping on a Sunday
Couples holding hands on a runway
They're all posing in a picture frame whilst my world's crashing down
Solo shadow on a sidewalk
Just want somebody to die for
Sunshine living on a perfect day while my world's crashing down
I just want somebody to die for
I just want somebody to die for (to die for)
I just want somebody to die for

(Does that scare you?)
(I don't wanna be alone.)

Pink lemonade sipping on a Sunday
Couples holding hands on a runway
They're all posing in a picture frame whilst my world's crashing down
Solo shadow on a sidewalk
Just want somebody to die for
Sunshine living on a perfect day while my world's crashing down
I just want somebody to die for
I just want somebody to die for

Modern Loneliness

Page 1337

Overheard a conversation between a dad and his Primary School son on the train platform.

They were wearing Taekwondo doboks, talking loudly about universities, and the PSLE score that should be aimed.

Dad: 'You should consider overseas universities... Harvard.  Stanford. Actually our local ones also not bad. But you need to do well in your PSLE first. 

Son: I need to score at least 220 right? 

Dad: *scoffs* Huh? 220??? You better get 250 and above! 250 is okay already.

Son .... *looks distressed*

Damn. I sympathise.

If I had a family like that... I would just kill myself.

Not saying that they shouldn't aim high.

But to what extent would you sacrifice your child's childhood, just for a better future?

Sigh.

It made me look back at how far I've come.

I didn't even get a 200 for PSLE.

I think I achieved around 197?

It was barely enough, but I managed to get into an Express Stream.

It was a struggle at times, also with the pressure of the previous year O Level Students doing damn body.

The pressure was all on my batch.

Worked my ass off, and passed somehow.

Phew, thank god. Worst period of my life.

Got into a diploma. And things got better from there.

Finished NS.

Worked full time while doing part time private degree after and managed to complete it without all my hair coming off.

That is quite enough for me.

Would I still continue further studies?

Sure. If I'm sponsored LOLOL.

But I am contented with everything. 

Even if we're still sandwiches. 

A sandwich generation.

A term I hear a lot lately.

A certain modern loneliness.

It is true isn't it?

Especially in our community.

We have to work hard, to support people who can't support us anymore, and ourselves.

A vicious cycle. 

That is why, I hope to get away someday.

Somewhere better at least,

Peaceful.

Where I don't have to worry about all this.

Do my own thing, & live life to the fullest.

F U L L E S T.

Cause life is so damn short man.

The other day a patient of mine told me:

Her husband is verbally abusive, and doesn't care about her condition.

She said he wasn't like this when they were younger.

He had expectations.. like he wanted to go on holidays with her, after they were retired.

And now, he has to send her to dialysis every time.

All those plans.. never happened.

Life is short. 

Life issss short.

Live it while you can.

Take risks. While you can.

That is all.

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Lauv - Modern Loneliness

I've been thinkin' 'bout my father lately
The person that he made me
The person I've become
And I've been tryna fill all of this empty
But, fuck, I'm still so empty
Yeah, I could use some love

And I've been trying to find a reason to get up
Been trying to find a reason for this stuff
In my bedroom and my closet
The baggage in my heart is still so dark

Modern loneliness
We're never alone, but always depressed, yeah
Love my friends to death
But I never call and I never text 'em
La-di-da-di-da
Yeah, you get what you give and you give what you get, so
Modern loneliness
We love to get high, but we don't know how to come down

If I could break my DNA to pieces
Rid of all my demons
If I could cleanse my soul
Then I could fill the world with all my problems
But, shit, that wouldn't solve them
So, I'm left here alone

And I've been trying to find a reason to get up
I'm trying to find a reason for this stuff
In my bedroom and my closet
The baggage in my heart is still so dark

Modern loneliness
We're never alone, but always depressed, yeah
Love my friends to death
But I never call and I never text 'em
La-di-da-di-da
Yeah, you get what you give and you give what you get, so
Modern loneliness
We love to get high, but we don't know how to come down

Down, down, down, down, down
We don't know how to come down
Down, down, down, down, down
We don't know how to come down
Down, down, down, down, down
We don't know how to come down
Down, down, down, down, down
We don't know how to come down

Modern loneliness
We're never alone, but always depressed, yeah
Love my friends to death
But I never call and I never text 'em
La-di-da-di-da
Yeah, you get what you give and you give what you get, so
Modern loneliness
We love to get high, but we don't know how to come down

Down, down, down, down, down
We don't know how to come down
Down, down, down, down, down
We don't know how to come down
Down, down, down, down, down (I'm dreamin', I'm dreamin', I'm dreamin')
We don't know how to come down (Please don't wake me up)
Down, down, down, down, down (I'm dreamin', I'm dreamin', I'm dreamin')
We don't know how to come down (Please don't wake me up)

Modern loneliness
We're never alone, but always depressed, yeah

Julia

Page 1336

It was a really toxic morning.

Opening the centre with Julia.

And the strings of problems that came throughout the day.

Cant seem to catch a break these days. 

Could've had a breakdown.

But still managed to pull through.

Not sure how much longer I can take.

I'm surprised I could even go back on tme.

I am really just looking forward to get out of here.

Really, just need a break from this shit.

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Lauv - Julia 

- My colleague, kinda
- Yeah
(When we met)
- That seems right, yeah

When we met

When we met
I wasn't me
I was so numb
Yeah, I was so lonely

Out on the run
I wasn't free
And you came along
But you couldn't save me

My hesitation and holding my breath
I led you in to the garden of my loneliness
Wish that you left
Before it all burned down

Oh, Julia
I'm sorry what I do to you
I push and pull and mess with your head
Then get in your bed 'cause I'm weak, deep down

Oh, Julia
I wish I never lied to you
I never meant to hurt you like that
And if I could go back I'd leave you alone

When I left
I wasn't sure
That I could love
Love anymore

But my hesitation and holding my breath
I led you in to the garden of my loneliness
Wish that you left
Before it all burned down

Oh, Julia
I'm sorry what I do to you
I push and pull and mess with your head
Then get in your bed 'cause I'm weak, deep down

Oh, Julia
I wish I never lied to you
I never meant to hurt you like that
And if I could go back I'd leave you alone

I won't lie to you no more
I won't lie to you no more
'Cause I know I did before
Hope you find what you looking for

Verso

Page 1335 

Feeling more tired these days.

Cant explain it.

My body is just..

Sigh.

It's not the same.

Whatever it is,

I'll be right here.

If you need me.

:)

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: OK Button - Verso

I can hear your voice, through the cold white noise
You’re still there for me, I’m still here for you

I can feel your love, through this empty room
You still care for me, and I still care for you

Oh, the purest kind of love. It carries me, when I’m losing you

I can feel your heart, beating next to mine. I keep you close to me, but am I close to you

Oh, the purest kind of love, it carries me when I’m losing you

Coffee

Page 1334

Nothing like a cup of coffee.

And 2 Big Mac Breakfasts with my lover.

Hahaha yes, we took that 1for1 shit.

Why the heck not right?

It was worth it. Even if it didn't have hotcakes.

Yum.

Spent the rest of the day walking around with the weird blackcurrant grapefruit cold brew from Starbucks, buying Jollibee for lunch, and staying indoors watching The Walking Dead and inspirational JoJo videos.

Damn, that was a good interview.

So in-depth, complex & deep.

Thank you JoJo.

And TWD? STOP MESSING WITH MAH HEART.

Also, I'm glad to see you be yourself again.

I hope being with me has made you feel better so far.

Another 4 days without you..

I'll be missin' you.

:(

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Tori Kelly - Coffee

I envy the cup of coffee that kisses you every morning
The pillow caressing your cheek when you are tired and yawning
I'm jealous of the steering wheel you wrap your hands around
That seatbelt on your chest, hearing your heart, holding you down
I envy the cup of coffee that kisses you every morning

I would jump over the edge for you, to get to you
I'd walk an ocean to get to you, next to you

It's unfair cause I'm missing you way too much
I'm missing you, missing you way too much
And I'm wishing you were right here because
I'm missing you way, way, way too much
I know that it's so silly of me
To be jealous of all these stupid things
But I'm missing you, missing you way too much
I'm missing you way, way, way too much

Am I crazy to want to hold you like clothes on your body?
I would trade places with the air that rushes by you so softly

I would jump over the edge for you, to get to you
I'd walk an ocean to get to you, next to you

I'm missing you way too much
I'm missing you, missing you way too much
And I'm wishing you were right here because
I'm missing you way, way, way too much
I know that it's so silly of me
To be jealous of all these stupid things
But I'm missing you, missing you way too much
I'm missing you way, way, way too much

And you got the things I need but they're always out of reach
That I always have to dream to get you next to me
And it's unfair
Even the stars that shine get to see you at night
It all reminds me of you and maybe that's the reason why I'm always

Missing you way too much, yeah
And I'm wishing you were out here because
I'm missing you
And it's so silly of me
To be jealous of all these stupid things
But I'm missing you, missing you way too much
I'm missing you way, way, way too much
And it's unfair
And it's unfair

Changes

Page 1333

So many questions of 'when is your last day?'

Or 'when are you leaving?' lately.

Today an old patient of mine gestured me over.

I got up, leaned over, and we chatted.

He asked me 'Is it true?'

I said  'Yup' spontaneously.

'Where are you going? Is the pay better?'

'Private. Yeah.. a bit.'

'Ok... good then. Are you going to get married?'

Me: 'Uhh. Not anytime soon. You find girl for me lah!'

*we both crack laughing*

Him: 'You take care. okay?'

And he looked at me with emotional eyes.

'Yeah. Thanks. You too.' :)

I felt emotional, can't deny it.

Most of them were taken aback by it.

Others, in denial.

'Eh jangan la'

'All the good ones are leaving...'

'Oh no, not you too!'

'This place will have nobody..'

It touches me, hearing all this.

Especially when people want you to stay.

My heart aches but, I've made my choice.

Nobody loves changes.

It's... inevitable.

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Justin Bieber -  Changes

Some days I move like water
Some days I burn like fire
Some days I wanna push further
Some days I wanna do nothin'

And I just wanna be the best of me
Even though sometimes we might disagree
So that I can be the best for you
That's all I wanna do

I'm goin' through changes
I'm goin' through changes
Though I'm goin' through changes
Don't mean that I'll change

Sometimes I'll go to sleep early
Sometimes I can't close my eyes
Sometimes I smile like it's all good
Even though there's pain underneath it

I just wanna be the best of me
Even though sometimes I forget to breathe
So that I can be the best for you
That's all I wanna do

I be goin' through changes
I'm goin' through changes
Though I'm goin' through changes
Don't mean that I'll change
Yeah, I'm goin' through changes
I'm goin' through changes (Ooh, yes I am)
Though I'm goin' through changes (That's right)
Don't mean that I'll change, woah

La-da-da-da-dum, la-da-da-da-dum
La-da-da-da-dum, la-da-da-da-dum, no
La-da-da-da-dum, la-da-da-da-dum
I'm going through changes
No, I ain't changed, yeah
Uh, people change, circumstances change
But God always remains the same

Rather Be With You

Page 1332

What I love about us is,

We can always work out our problems.

In the end, we always fall back to each other again.

And I think that's important.

To put things aside,

because we really value our relationship.

:)

I'm glad things are better now.

I'm glad that you feel better too.

I hope it stays this way.

I'd rather be with you.

Than be own my own.

Or be dwelling on my feelings.

I love you that much.

Thank you.. for being in my life.

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Sinead Harnett - Rather Be With You

I was halfway up on the wings of a fantasy
Looking out for love, didn't know what was good for me

I stay out every night
And live it up, live it up, live it up, live it up now baby
But nothing feels the same

I'd rather be with you
Then I look into his eyes and I realize
I'd rather be with you
Though I try to trick myself, there's nobody else
I'd rather be with you
I'd rather be with you

Fillings days with distractions, only a waste of time
No one can compare, only you made me come alive

You're the one I need
So give it up, give it up, give it up now baby
You only have to say

I'd rather be with you
Then I look into his eyes and I realize
I'd rather be with you
Though I try to trick myself, there's nobody else
I'd rather be with you
I'd rather be with you

No more fighting, need to get your love
I know you're trouble, but you're my number one
And I'm gonna leave it all behind
Cause I'd rather be with you
I'd rather be with you
Then I look into his eyes and I realize
I'd rather be with you
Though I try to trick myself...

I'd rather be with you
Then I look into his eyes and I realize
I'd rather be with you
Though I try to trick myself, there's nobody else
I'd rather be with you
I'd rather be with you

And I realize, and I realize...