9th Of October

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9th of October..

Came to realise how much time has passed. 

It was all so different last year.

I am glad, that I am in a much better place right now.

Lots of anxiety, and deep breaths today.

At least I've gotten through my last presentation this semester.

It's like a big weight lifted off my shoulders.

NO. MORE.

Lol.

Now to just focus on 2 more assignments, and I am done.

I can do this. 

Almost..

Hang in there.

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Tove Lo - 9th Of October

We never had coffee table books or dinner parties
We always had hazy nights and sex, cliché's in Paris
Don't disturb on the top floor
Getting high by the window
In bed with your eyes locked into mine
How perfect was it?

9th of October, I always remember
No bad things had happened then
Honestly, you never thought you'd fall for me
But somehow you got pulled in
Livin' so fast, makin' memories last
'Til our hearts couldn't hold no more
Hear you explodin' while I am implodin'
Now, how did we let this go?

We never had, ah
We never wanted, ah
We never had, ah
We never wanted
A normal kind of love

We never had time for useless fights
'Bout dirty laundry
We always had tender, long goodbyes
Packed bags in a hurry
Our last kiss at the bus stop
Had I known, would've jumped off
And now from the pieces of my heart, I'm so sorry

9th of October, I always remember
No bad things had happened then
Honestly, you never thought you'd fall for me
But somehow you got pulled in
Livin' so fast, makin' memories last
'Til our hearts couldn't hold no more
Hear you explodin' while I am implodin'
Now, how did we let this go?

We never had, ah
We never wanted, ah
We never had, ah
We never wanted
A normal kind of love

Waitin' for my heart, waitin' for my heart
(We never wanted)
Waitin' for my heart, waitin' for my heart
Still waitin' for my heart, waitin' for my heart
We never wanted a normal kind of love

9th of October, I always remember
9th of October, I always remember
Those big words, I said them first
9th of October, I always remember
9th of October, can't think of it sober
'Cause all of it fuckin' hurts

Waitin' for my heart, waitin' for my heart
(We never wanted)
Waitin' for my heart, waitin' for my heart
Still waitin' for my heart, waitin' for my heart
We never wanted a normal kind of love
Oh, waitin' for my heart, waitin' for my heart
(We never wanted)
Waitin' for my heart, waitin' for my heart
Still waitin' for my heart, waitin' for my heart
We never wanted a normal kind of love

Die Alone

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Everyone.. has their own struggles.

It really broke my heart to see you like that.

I wish I can help you, as much as I can.

To fight your battles with you.

You're not alone, okay?

I am always by your side.

You're the best thing that's ever happened to me this year.

Nobody understands me like you do.

I wasnt looking for you.

But you found me.

And I can't be more.. grateful for that.

I hope you feel better soon.

I am.. always here.

Right here.

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: FINNEAS - Die Alone

I wasn't lookin' for you
But you found me, you found me
Just as the smoke filled the room
In the valley, you asked me,
"Do you wanna die alone
Or watch it all burn down together?"
I said I'd rather try to hold on to you forever

'Cause I-I-I-I-I know that I will love you
And I-I-I-I-I'm not letting go
If the sky darkens above you
I'll stay by your side in the afterglow

This was the place I grew up
Now it's ashes to ashes
Memories fillin' my cup
It comes in flashes
But when it passes and I see your eyes
I know there's nothin' I'll ever find better
I think I'd rather die alone, together

'Cause I-I-I-I-I know that I will love you
And I-I-I-I-I'm not letting go
If the sky darkens above you
I'll stay by your side in the afterglow

'Cause I-I-I-I-I know that I will love you
And I-I-I-I-I'm not letting go
If the sky darkens above you
I'll stay by your side in the afterglow

I wasn't lookin' for you
But you found me

Wake Up

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Today marks 9 months being together with you.

It feels right.

To wake up, and see you by my side.

I wish I can do that everyday.

I hope so, one day. 

I am grateful.

To have you.

It is fate.

And I believe that strongly.

We both do.

:) 

We are just.. living the best that we can right now.

Contented in our own little ways.

And nothing can replace it.

I want you by my side. 

Always.

Love you.

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: EDEN - Wake Up

'Cause we've been driving so long
I can't remember how we got here
Or how we survived so long
I'm tryna run from our pride
'Til you set fire to my atmosphere

And I remember how I spent the 23rd
Feeling six feet under
When I'm 30,000 feet in the air
Chasing that sundown
So far east I'm westbound
Feeling like the edge of this world is near

But you'll feel better when you wake up
Swear to God I'll make up
Everything and more when I get back someday
This is more than just a phase, love
Shooting stars all break up
And even though it seems like half the world away

Things will be better in America
Heard the streets are gold there
Maybe I could fly you out this place someday
Chasing dreams like I'm on Novocain
Screaming through your airways
Looking back I almost thought I heard you say

Stay, you're not gonna leave me
This place is right where you need to be
And why your words gotta mean so much to them
And they mean nothing to me

So stay, you're not what you're hearing
'Cause I've been watching you changing
And who said you're one in a million
Anyway?

'Cause you see only what you want to
Your tunnel vision haunts you
And you can't see what's wrong
When you keep sleeping through the PM
Eyes wide open when you're dreaming
You're sleepwalking,
Just keep talking

And maybe you can talk your way out of this deep end
No "B" plan in your system
Just tell me what you're thinking
I'm scared that you might fall

But you're not
But you're not

And you'll feel better when you wake up
Taking off your makeup
Sun always seems to wash our fears away
And it's always shining somewhere
I just gotta get there
And even though it seems like half the world away

Things are better in America
Heard the streets are gold there
Maybe I could fly you out this place someday
Chasing dreams like I'm on Novocain
Screaming through your airways
Looking back I almost thought I heard you say

"Stay, you're not gonna leave me
This place is right where you need to be
And why your words gotta mean so much to them
When they mean nothing to me?

So stay, you're not what you're hearing
'Cause I've been watching you changing
And who said you're one in a million?"

You're so much better than that
You're so much better than that
You're so much better than that

Stay, you're not what you're hearing
'Cause I've been watching you changing
And who said you're one in a million anyway?

And you'll feel better when you wake up
Swear to God I'll make up
Everything and more when I get back someday
Chasing dreams like I'm on Novocain
Screaming through your airways
Looking back I almost thought I heard you say

You're so much better than that

Forever Free

Page 1252

Patient: 'I'm going to ask you a question that I've asked everyone working here.'

Me: 'Sure.'

Him: 'What would you be doing if you're not in nursing?

I smiled.

'I love music. I would be doing that instead.'

Him: 'How about acting?'

Me: 'Yes, that too.'

'Oh nice. Well you if you're in nursing, doesn't mean you have to give all that up.'

Me: 'I know, I'm still doing it' :)

He chuckles. 'That's great.'

He shook my hand before I left.

'I hope you don't have to come back here, only because you stay so far, but I wish you all the best.'

-----------------------------------------------

Today was a long day.

Bumped into an old section mate from BMT, on the way to work.

'Can you imagine, 4 years ago, we were out in the sun doing strenuous activities?

Me: 'Yup... Good times haha.'  (No, not really)

But there were really memorable moments within the section :) 

Reached work, and boy, was I in for a culture shock.

Had to step out of my comfort zone.

Had to adapt fast in an environment that was super messy.

Everyone there just threw me a cubicle and expected me to handle everything - Which, I did.

My OCD got the best of me. So I made it work out, rearranging everything.

The first patient I encountered was so obnoxious.

Snapping at me and complaining about EVERYTHING.

I rolled my eyes, and walked away from her, like the toxic disease she was.

( Rot in hell Bitch )

Tuning it all out, I moved to other patients, who were much more appreciative.

Thankfully, the day went by so much better.

Reconnected with a senior from Poly when he came for PM shift. And had lots of gossip.

Made acquaintances with new patients and colleagues.

People who.. put their faith in me.

I kind of liked it.

I left feeling contented.

That I could help make a difference.

But please, don't ever call me back.

Hahaha.

I just. 

Want to be forever free.

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: San Holo Ft Duskus - Forever Free

Forever free, forever free
Forever free, forever free
Forever free, forever free
Forever free, forever free
Forever free, forever free
Forever free, forever free
Forever free, forever free
Forever free, forever free

Feeling so good, this feeling
Feeling so good, this feeling
Feeling so good, this feeling
Feeling so good, this feeling
Feeling so good, this feeling
So good, this feel
Feeling so good, this feeling
So good, this feel
So good, this feel
So good, this feel
Feeling so good, this feeling
Feeling so good, this feeling
So good, in this feel
So good, this feel
Feeling so good, this feeling
Feeling so good, this feeling
So good, in this feel
So good, this feel
Feeling so good, this feeling
Feeling so good, this feeling
So good, in this feel
So good, this feel
Feeling so good, this feeling
Feeling so good, this feeling
So good, in this feel
So good, this feel
Feeling so good, this feeling
Feeling so good, this feeling
So good, in this feel
So good, this feel
Feeling so good, this feeling
Feeling so good, this feeling
So good, in this feel
So good, this feel
Feeling so good, this feeling
Feeling so good, this feeling
So good, in this feel
So good, this feel

Its okay, we don't have to fix it now
Its okay, we don’t have to fix it now
Its okay, we don't have to fix it now
Its okay, we don't have to fix it now
Its okay, we don’t have to fix it now
Its okay, we don't have to fix it now
Its okay, we don't have to fix it now
Its okay, we don't have to fix it now

Its okay

Feeling so good, this feeling
Feeling so good, this feeling
Feeling so good, this feeling
Feeling so good, this feeling
Feeling so good, this feeling
So good, this feel
Feeling so good, this feeling
So good, this feel
So good, this feel
So good, this feel
Feeling so good, this feeling
Feeling so good, this feeling
So good, in this feel
So good, this feel
Feeling so good, this feeling
Feeling so good, this feeling
So good, in this feel
So good, this feel
Feeling so good, this feeling
Feeling so good, this feeling
So good, in this feel
So good, this feel
Feeling so good, this feeling
Feeling so good, this feeling
So good, in this feel
So good, this feel
Feeling so good, this feeling
Feeling so good, this feeling
So good, in this feel
So good, this feel
Feeling so good, this feeling
Feeling so good, this feeling
So good, in this feel
So good, this feel
Feeling so good, this feeling
Feeling so good, this feeling
So good, in this feel
So good, this feel

Feeling so good, this feeling
Feeling so good, this feeling
So good, in this feel
So good, this feel
Feeling so good, this feeling
Feeling so good, this feeling
So good, in this feel
So good, this feel
Feeling so good, this feeling
Feeling so good, this feeling
So good, in this feel
So good, this feel
Feeling so good, this feeling
Feeling so good, this feeling
So good, in this feel
So good, this feel

Feel, feel
Feel, feel

Worthy // Show Me

Page 1251

You are worthy.

Of me, and everything around you.

I love you for everything that you are.

And everything that you've done for me.

Nothing can replace that. 

You showed me what pure love can truly be like.

And I am always grateful for that.

I hope you feel better today,

Because I feel much better because of you.

Because I have you by my side.

To be affectionate with or to cry to.

 Please remember that I am..

Always here for you too.

Goodnight.

:)

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: San Holo - Worthy // Show Me

I remember you said
Do you even need me?
Is it outside my head?
Tell me am I worthy?
I remember you said
Do you even see me?
Go find someone else instead
Tell me am I worthy?

Am I even worthy
Tell me am I worthy?
Tell me am I worthy?

Tell me am I worthy?
Tell me am I worthy?

I remember you said
Do you even hear me?
Are you ever coming back?
Tell me am I worth it?
I remember you said
Do you even feel me?
Looking back at my worst end
Tell me am I worthy?

Am I even worthy
Tell me am I worthy?
Tell me am I worthy?

Tell me am I worthy?
Tell me am I worthy?
Tell me am I worthy?

Am I worthy
Am I worthy
Am I worthy

Tell me am I worthy?
Tell me am I worthy?
Tell me am I worthy?

--------------------------------------------------------

I am floating out to see
Time will take it off from me
Don't know whether where it will take me now
But we'll see
But we'll see
I am searching undersea
I'm right where I want to be
Don't where this road will take me now
But we'll see
But we'll see

I guess we will see
Won't you show me?
Won't you show me?
Won't you show me?

Close my eyes and I can't see
All these lights are lighting me
Don't know where my mind will take me now
We will see
But we'll see
All these moment to be free
What a life could let it be
Don't know when will I ever find a land
We will see
But we'll see

I guess we will see
I guess we will see
Won't you show me?
Won't you show me?
Won't you show me?

Sorrow // Conscience

Page 1250

My head hasn't been a great place to be in lately...

If I could rip my mind out, I would.

A throbbing headache.

A certain sorrow.

And so much negativity lately.

The worst part is going through work and having to be kind to those around you.

Having to hold all my crumbling shit together.

Putting a facade on because that's the only way to get through the day.

'Can you change the channel?'

Sure.

'Why you never do this??'

Smile.

'Can you help me with this?'

Yeah.

Dealing with people's problems.

Entertaining nonsense requests.

When I am battling my own personal demons.

Dwelling beyond my subconscious.

 I don't know.. who I am anymore.

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Jacob Lee - Sorrow

She left a thousand tears upon my bedspread
A couple thoughts, a box of regrets
Full of memories that we shared
I left a single kiss upon her forehead
A selfish heart out by the doorstep
And carved a chasm into her chest

I
I wonder whether she knows
That I am imperfect
I wonder where the time goes
In her uncertainty
I wonder, if I let go
Would she return to me?

Sorrow is all I see
I try to breathe but I
Never seem to find
The will to take one more
Stay with me
And help me grieve
'Cause I, honestly
Have never needed someone more

She wept, slid out past inside the cabinet
Kissed my shoulder out of habit
Asked if this had really happened

Now I
I wonder whether she knows
That I am imperfect
I wonder where the time goes
In her uncertainty
I wonder, if I let go
Would she return to me?

Sorrow is all I see
I try to breathe but I
Never seem to find
The will to take one more
Stay with me
And help me grieve
'Cause I, honestly
Have never needed someone more
Someone more
Someone more
Someone more

Sorrow is all I see
I try to breathe but I
Never seem to find
The will to take one more
Stay with me
And help me grieve
'Cause I, honestly
Have never needed someone more

Current Song Mood #2: Jacob Lee - Conscience

Let me become what I want
You won't believe what I ponder
I saw the world through a notch
Somewhere within I uncovered
Everything that I once was
Dwelling beyond my subconscious
I saw myself as a god
That's when I realised I wasn't

When I asked how you colour the sky
And you told me I already knew
When I asked could I see through your eyes
And you told me I already do
Oh then why do I feel like a fool

Tell me there's a path to take
Where I'll know
I will get another day
Tomorrow
If you could just elaborate
I'll follow
Cause I don't know if I'm awake

Let me become what I'm not
I don't decide what I ponder
I saw the Earth as it was
The moment I fell to its aura
There I erased all my thoughts
Teaching myself to discover
Everything I thought I lost
Hiding right where I left off

When I asked how you colour the sky
And you told me I already knew
When I asked you to see through my eyes
And you told me you already do
Oh then why do I feel like a fool

Tell me there's a path to take
Where I'll know
Everything will be okay
Tomorrow
If you could just elaborate
I'll follow
Cause I don't know if I'm awake

I'm unsure if I should ask
But I question everything that I see
I venture into my past
Reliasing that it's in front of me
I sit with hands in my lap
Piecing together these memories
I left you where I began
Knowing that I'm what you used to be

Breathe

Page 1249

Life is full of surprises.

Decisions that could change your life in an instant.

No matter what happens next,

Just breathe.

It will all be okay.

Everybody's journey is different.

Just remember that,

I am here for you.

No matter what.

:)

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Joji & Don Krez - Breathe

You found the best of me inside your feelings
The worst of me was waiting for that evening
It's just me these days, I can't say I'm great
I can't stop seeing your face on all these ceilings
You've saved me for the last time, I'm alright
I'll find somebody else to watch me die
Somebody I can push away and reel back in
Like the bait that I am, I am

So let me know, let me know when we gonna find the time
So let me know, let me know when I get a little bit wise
And if you hear me, get on the phone
Sedate me till I'm normal

Won't you be a darling, feel my rage
Let me feel fantastic, broke my cage
Hold my breath until you call my name again
I can't say what's on your mind but I know we feel the same
(The same)

(So let me know, let me know when we gonna find the time)
(So let me know, let me know when I get a little bit wise)
(And if you hear me, get on the phone)
(Sedate me till I'm normal)