Fall Apart

Page 1299

What can I say? 

It has been a therapeutic journey this year.

Where wounds turn to scars and battles fought are just memories now. 

Steered off social media as much as I could. 

Juggling school, work, and music at the same time. 

Completing my degree and finally releasing my own song. 

Managing my anxiety every single day. 

And finally, letting go. Of the past. 

I'm grateful I didn't fall apart.

I'm grateful to be alive.

We get by. We always will. At the end of the day, it is your personal journey. 

Always be kind to others. Be kinder to yourself. 

Here’s to the end of a decade. 

And to another 10 years. 🥂✨

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: ERAN - Fall Apart

[Voice Note]
I, miss you. I wanna see you

[Verse 1]
You don’t know
What you want to know
You don’t know if you wanna stay or if you wanna go

I’ve been alone
Been staring at my phone
You don’t know if you wanna stay or if you wanna go

You don’t have a heart
You don’t have a heart
You just played the part
And watched me fall apart

You don’t have a heart
You don’t have a heart
You tore it apart
And watched me fall apart
You watched me fall apart

[Voice Note]
Running some early morning errand
[Verse 2]
I don’t know
You got me so confused
I don’t know if I wanna stay or if I wanna go

It’s been so hard
Without you by my side
I don’t know if I wanna stay or if I wanna go

You don’t have a heart
You don’t have a heart
You just played the part
And watched me fall apart (Fall apart, fall apart)

You don’t have a heart
You don’t have a heart
You tore it apart
And watched me fall apart
You watched me fall

[Outro]
Analyse, the patterns that churn in your mind
You did not pretend that you're mine
Cause if you did I’d rather die

Hey yeah
Analyse
The patterns that churn in your mind
You did not pretend that you're mine (Did you, Did you?)
Cause if you did I’d rather die (Did you, Did you?)
If you did I’d rather die (Boy I said, Did you, Did you?)
If you did I’d rather die (Boy I said, Did you, Did you?)

Hey yeah

As we walked down through Somerset
Hand in hand back from the set
Wanna hang on, this feels so right
Wanna hang on when you hug so tight...

[Voice Note]
I love you...

Falling

Page 1298

Sometimes I just like to sit in the dark.

Wind down.

And listen to slow music.

I've missed doing that.

I miss my boy, too.

Self-reflecting a lot.

Over the past year.

What am I now?

Am I still falling?

Into that endless pit I was in a year ago?

Nah, I'm more of like floating.

As air particles push its way past my body.

And just, taking in the fall.

Like I'm gliding through the air.

Admiring the dark sky above.

And the uncertainties that wait below.

I am definitely not in the same place I was last year.

And I'm thankful of the people that have stayed in my life.

So many things to be grateful about.

It has been a fulfilling year indeed.

And more importantly...

I'm grateful to be alive.

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Harry Styles - Falling

I'm in my bed
And you're not here
And there's no one to blame but the drink and my wandering hands

Forget what I said
It's not what I meant
And I can't take it back
I can't unpack the baggage you left

What am I now?
What am I now?
What if I'm someone I don't want around?
I'm falling again
I'm falling again
I'm falling

What if I'm down?
What if I'm out?
What if I'm someone you won't talk about?
I'm falling again
I'm falling again
I'm falling

You said you cared
And you missed me too
And I'm well aware I write too many songs about you

And the coffee's out
At the Beachwood Cafe
And it kills me 'cause I know we've run out of things we can say

What am I now?
What am I now?
What if I'm someone I don't want around?
I'm falling again
I'm falling again
I'm falling

What if I'm down?
What if I'm out?
What if I'm someone you won't talk about?
I'm falling again
I'm falling again
I'm falling

And I get the feeling that you'll never need me again

What am I now?
What am I now?
What if you're someone I just want around?
I'm falling again
I'm falling again
I'm falling

What if I'm down?
What if I'm out?
What if I'm someone you won't talk about?
I'm falling again
I'm falling again
I'm falling

Watermelon Sugar

Page 1297

It was nice to be around family & relatives again.

It's been a while.

Like, a really loooong while.

A nice day at a chalet.

With lots of food, laughs & bonding.

A watermelon sugar kind of high.

There were still parts of it that felt incomplete.

And times where I felt annoyed and bothered by certain comments.

But oh well, nothing is perfect.

Blood is thicker than water, they say.

I take it with a grain of salt.

I love family.

And the feeling of being bonded is special.

We are after all the only ones remaining, after my Grandma died.

We carry on her legacy.

See you next year, guys.

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Harry Styles - Watermelon Sugar

Tastes like strawberries on a summer evenin'
And it sounds just like a song
I want more berries and that summer feelin'
It's so wonderful and warm

Breathe me in, breathe me out
I don't know if I could ever go without
I'm just thinking out loud
I don't know if I could ever go without

Watermelon sugar high
Watermelon sugar high
Watermelon sugar high
Watermelon sugar high
Watermelon sugar

Strawberries on a summer evenin'
Baby, you're the end of June
I want your belly and that summer feelin'
Getting washed away in you

Breathe me in, breathe me out
I don't know if I could ever go without

Watermelon sugar high
Watermelon sugar high
Watermelon sugar high
Watermelon sugar high
Watermelon sugar high
Watermelon sugar high
Watermelon sugar high
Watermelon sugar high

I just wanna taste it, I just wanna taste it
Watermelon sugar high

Tastes like strawberries on a summer evenin'
And it sounds just like a song
I want your belly and that summer feelin'
I don't know if I could ever go without

Watermelon sugar high
Watermelon sugar high
Watermelon sugar high (Sugar)
Watermelon sugar high (Sugar)
Watermelon sugar high
Watermelon sugar high
Watermelon sugar high
Watermelon sugar high

I just wanna taste it, I just wanna taste it (Woo)
Watermelon sugar high
I just wanna taste it, I just wanna taste it (Ooh)
Watermelon sugar high
Watermelon sugar

Borderline // Bloodline

Page 1296

Man, one of the most tiring days at work.

And the last one for the year, too.

Heh.

Only borderline effort today.

Fuck it.

Because everyone is just so tired.

It is always the last shift before a break that something willll happen.

At least to me.

Today we were terribly understaffed. 

On the verge of breaking down from fatigue.

With no bloodline to call.

You just have to push through.

Till you see the light of the day.

Yeah?

Time for a good, short break.

And savour the last remaining days of this decade.

:)

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood #1: Ariana Grande Ft Missy Elliot - Borderline

[Ariana Grande & Missy Elliott:]
(Let's go)
Baby, I just want you to be mine
Won't you give me a bit of your time? Oh, whoa
Chasin' you, no, I won't stop trying
Just meet me at the borderline (It's loose)

[Ariana Grande:]
You play hard-to-get, but I know you want me, too
Ain't out here looking for other dudes
So I'ma keep it tight for you

[Ariana Grande & Missy Elliott:]
You know I'm the wifey type, babe
You know I be one of a kind, oh whoa
Once you tastin' my ice cream, I bet you won't ever leave
I know it's hard to believe
Boy, you got me all on my knees
(Light it up, though, light it up, though)
It ain't too hard for me
(Light it up, though, light it up, though)
Stop playing, too hard for me (let's go)

[Ariana Grande:]
Baby, I just want you to be mine
Won't you give me a bit of your time, oh woah
Chasin' you, no, I won't stop trying
Just meet me at the borderline

Seems like I'm coming on strong
But I don't want this time to pass
I know you got a lot of chicks hollerin' at you
But I bet they cannot last

[Ariana Grande & Missy Elliott:]
You know I'm the wifey type, babe
You know I be one of a kind, oh whoa (let's go)
Once you tastin' my ice cream, I bet you won't ever leave
I know it's hard to believe
Boy, you got me all on my knees
(Light it up, though, light it up, though)
It ain't too hard for me
(Light it up, though, light it up, though)
Stop playing, too hard for me

[Ariana Grande:]
Baby, I just want you to be mine
Won't you give me a bit of your time, oh woah
Chasin' you, no, I won't stop trying
Just meet me at the borderline

[Missy Elliott:]
I'm like, you got me so on a chase
Got me feeling so out of place
Think 'bout you all of my days
Wish you'd chew on me like fresh grapes
Not tryna cuff you or crowd your space
I'm tryna find you words just to say
"Dang, you fine, and look at that face"
At the borderline, beside me, you lay

[Ariana Grande:]
Baby, I just want you to be mine
Won't you give me a bit of your time, oh woah
Chasin' you, no, I won't stop trying
Just meet me at the borderline

Current Song Mood #2: Ariana Grande - Bloodline

Because I'm trying to do the best I can. And they can't find something to satisfy me. Look.

Even though you're bad for me, I know
You're the one that I'm thinkin'
Got me feeling so incredible
Would you mind maybe linking?

Love me, love me, baby
Are you down? Can you let me know?
Love me, thank you, leave me
Put it down, then it's time to go
Get it like you love me
But you don't, boy, it's just for show
Take it or leave it, you gotta take it or leave it like uh-uh

Don't want you in my bloodline (yuh)
Just wanna have a good time (yuh)
Ain't no need to apologise, no
But you gon' have to let this shit go

Don't want you in my bloodline (yuh)
Not tryna make you all mine (yuh)
Ain't no need to apologise, no
But you gon' have to let this shit go, yeah

No, we won't be talking the next day
I ain't got nothin' to say
I ain't looking for my one true love
Yeah, that ship sailed away

Love me, love me, baby
Are you down? Can you let me know?
Love me, thank you, leave me
Put it down, then it's time to go
Get it like you love me
But you don't, boy, it's just for show
Take it or leave it, you gotta take it or leave it like uh-uh

Don't want you in my bloodline (yuh)
Just wanna have a good time (yuh)
Ain't no need to apologise, no
But you gon' have to let this shit go

Don't want you in my bloodline 
(Don't want you in my)
Not tryna make you all mine 
(Not tryna make you)
Ain't no need to apologise 
(Ain't no need to—)
But you gon' have to let this shit go, yeah

Say I know what you want, what you want from me
I know what you think, what you think you see
(So what you think?)
I know what you're looking for, but I'm complete
I know what you need, but it won't be me

I know what you want, what you want from me
I know what you think, what you think you see
I know what you're looking for, but I'm complete
I know what you need, but it won't be me
But it won't be me

Don't want you in my bloodline 
(Don't want you in my bloodline)
Just wanna have a good time 
(Just tryna have a good time)
Ain't no need to apologise (no)
But you gon' have to let this shit go (yeah, yeah)

Don't want you in my bloodline (yuh)
Not tryna make you all mine (yuh)
Ain't no need to apologise (no)
But you gon' have to let this shit go, yeah

In My Head

Page 1295

Reminiscing a lot, looking back at all these photos in the past year.

Wow.

I guess I'm sentimental like that.

The era is ending so soon.

So much growth.

So much to be thankful for.

So much I can do better.

Ultimately, it's all in my head.

I am excited for this new year to begin.

So many changes. 

Good ones, I believe.

But I'm ready.

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Ariana Grande - In My Head

[Doug Middlebrook:]
Here's the thing: you're in love with a version of a person that you've created in your head, that you are trying to but cannot fix. Uh, the only person you can fix is yourself. I love you, this has gone on way too long. Enough is enough. I'm two blocks away. I'm coming over.

[Ariana Grande:]
Painted a picture; I thought I knew you well
I got a habit of seeing what isn't there
Caught in the moment, tangled up in your sheets
When you broke my heart; I said you only wanted half of me

My imagination's too creative
They see demon, I see angel, angel, angel
Without the halo, wingless angel

Falling, falling, but I never thought you'd leave me
Falling, falling, needed something to believe in, oh
I thought that you were the one
But it was all in my head
It was all in my head (Skrt, skrt)

Yeah, look at you, boy, I invented you
Gucci tennis shoes runnin' from your issues
Cardio good for the heart (for the heart, for the heart)
I figured we could work it out, hmm

Painted a picture; I thought I drew you well
I had a vision of seeing what isn't there
Caught in the moment, tangled up in your sheets
When you broke my heart; said you only wanted half of me

My imagination's too creative
They see Cain and I see Abel, Abel, Abel
I know you're able, willing and able

Falling, falling, but I thought that you would need me
Falling, falling, needed something to believe in, oh
I thought that you were the one
But it was all in my head
It was all in my head (Skrt, skrt)

Yeah, look at you, boy, I invented you
Gucci tennis shoes runnin' from your issues
Cardio good for the heart (for the heart)
I figured we could work it out, hmm

Wanted you to grow, but, boy, you wasn't budding
Everything you are made you everything you aren't
I saw your potential without seein' credentials
Maybe that's the issue (Yeah, yeah)
Said maybe that's the issue, ah
Can't hold that shit against you, ah
Guess I did it to myself, yeah
Thought you were somebody else, you

Thought you were somebody else, you (You)
Thought you were somebody else, you

Ghostin

Page 1294

I'm so grateful for you.

Being with you is the best thing that's ever happened to me.

To have someone supportive and loving.

That's all I've ever wanted.

My song Fall Apart comes out today.

This serves as a closure - one that I never got.

It's good to get this off my chest.

Because I can only move on to greater things from here.

This is just the beginning.

The past year has been really therapeutic.

Thank you for holding me in your arms.

I cried a lot this year.

But it's good - to let it all out.

I remember crying for the first time when you were holding me.

That was on my birthday.

Heh.

It felt like I could finally let my walls down and be vulnerable to someone.

You saw right through my soul.

And I knew you were the one.

I know you won't ghost me like the rest.

I love you, - forever.

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Ariana Grande - Ghostin

I know you hear me when I cry
I try to hold it in at night
While you're sleepin' next to me
But it's your arms that I need this time (This time)

Look at the cards that we've been dealt
If you were anybody else
Probably wouldn't last a day
Every tear's a rain parade from hell (From hell)

Baby, you do it so well
You been so understanding, you been so good
And I'm puttin' you through more than one ever should
And I'm hating myself, 'cause you don't want to
Admit that it hurts you

I know that it breaks your heart when I cry again
Over him, mm
I know that it breaks your heart when I cry again
'Stead of ghostin' him

We'll get through this
We'll get past this
I'm a girl with
A whole lot of baggage
But I love you
We'll get past this
I'm a girl with
A whole lot of baggage, oh, yeah

Though I wish he were here instead
Don't want that living in your head
He just comes to visit me
When I'm dreaming every now and then (And then)

And after all that we been through
(And after all that we been through)
There's so much to look forward to
What was done and what was said
Leave it all here in this bed with you (With you)

Baby, you do it so well
You been so understanding, you been so good
And I'm puttin' you through more than one ever should
And I'm hating myself, 'cause you don't want to
Admit that it hurts you, baby

I know that it breaks your heart when I cry again
Over him, mm
I know that it breaks your heart when I cry again
'Stead of ghostin' him

We'll get through this
We'll get past this
I'm a girl with
A whole lot of baggage
But I love you (But I love you)
We'll get past this (Past this)
I'm a girl with
A whole lot of baggage, oh, yeah

Santa Tell Me // All I Want for Christmas Is You

Page 1293

Merry Christmas.

I don't know why, but I always feel very festive around this season.

Everyone's so happy and merry and positive.

Couldn't say the same for work today though.

It was a hellhole.

Ugh. Shit. Whatever.

Meeting my love after work was the most favourite part of the day.

I love you sooooo much.

Who needs a present from Santa, when I've got all I need?

Right here in these four walls.

Wrapped up with my lover.

All I Want for Christmas, is you.

:)

Stay safe tonight and goodnight. x

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood #1: Ariana Grande - Santa Tell Me 

Santa, tell me if you're really there
Don't make me fall in love again if he won't be here
Next year
Santa, tell me if he really cares
'Cause I can't give it all away if he won't be here
Next year

Feeling Christmas all around
And I'm tryna play it cool
But it's hard to focus when I see him walking 'cross the room
"Let It Snow" is blasting out
But I won't get in the mood
I'm avoiding every mistletoe until I know
It's true love that he thinks of
So next Christmas
I'm not all alone, boy

Santa, tell me if you're really there
Don't make me fall in love again if he won't be here
Next year
Santa, tell me if he really cares
'Cause I can't give it all away if he won't be here
Next year

I've been down this road before
Fell in love on Christmas night
But on New Year's Day I woke up and he wasn't by my side
Now I need someone to hold
Be my fire in the cold
But it's hard to tell if this is just a fling
Or if it's true love that he thinks of
So next Christmas
I'm not all alone, boy

Santa, tell me if you're really there
Don't make me fall in love again if he won't be here
Next year
Santa, tell me if he really cares
'Cause I can't give it all away if he won't be here
Next year

Oh, I wanna have him beside me like oh-oh-oh
On the 25th by the fireplace, oh-oh-oh
But I don't want a new broken heart
This year I've got to be smart

Oh, baby
(Santa tell me)
If ya won't be
(Santa tell me)
If ya won't be here!
(Santa tell me)

Santa, tell me if you're really there (Santa tell me)
(If you're really there)
Don't make me fall in love again if he won't be here
Next year (He won't be here next year)
Santa, tell me if he really cares (Tell me)
(Tell me babe)
'Cause I can't give it all away if he won't be here
Next year (He won't be here next year)

Santa, tell me if you're really there (Tell me)
(Tell me baby)
Don't make me fall in love again if he won't be here
Next year (If he won't be, if he won't be here)
Santa, tell me if he really cares (Tell me)
(Do you care)
'Cause I can't give it all away if he won't be here (He won't be here next year)
Next year

Current Song Mood #2: Mariah Carey - All I Want for Christmas Is You

I don't want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need
I don't care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree

I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is you, yeah.

I don't want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need
And I don't care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree

I don't need to hang my stocking
There upon the fireplace
Santa Claus won't make me happy
With a toy on Christmas Day

I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is you
You, baby

Oh, I won't ask for much this Christmas
I won't even wish for snow
And I'm just gonna keep on waiting
Underneath the mistletoe

I won't make a list and send it
To the North Pole for Saint Nick
I won't even stay awake to
Hear those magic reindeer click

'Cause I just want you here tonight
Holding on to me so tight
What more can I do?
Baby, all I want for Christmas is you
You, baby

Oh, all the lights are shining so brightly everywhere
And the sound of children's laughter fills the air

And everyone is singing
I hear those sleigh bells ringing
Santa, won't you bring me the one I really need?
Won't you please bring my baby to me?

Oh, I don't want a lot for Christmas
This is all I'm asking for
I just wanna see my baby
Standing right outside my door

Oh, I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
Baby, all I want for Christmas is you
You, baby

All I want for Christmas is you, baby [repeat with ad-libs until fade]

Make It To Christmas

Page 1292

Well, I guess everyone is slowly finding out that I'm tendering soon.

Questions of my plans unfolded today.

But honestly, I don't have everything figured out.

No, not yet.

I am just going with the flow.

I do know that I've narrowed down my choices.

And man, they all sound good.

Thanks to the discussion with my colleagues today.

It gave me a lot of useful insights.

I just wanna make sure, that it's the best path.

To not have any regrets.

I hope.

Decision, decisions man.

Will I even make it to Christmas? 

Sigh.

We'll see.

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Alessia Cara - Make It To Christmas

We were warm and wonderful
Once upon a time
But now we're frozen, hanging by a thread
Can we wait a minute?
Or can we just try to try?
Cause my favourite day is coming up ahead

Darling, I know that our love is going cold
It's just something about the snow
This time of year that makes us lose our way, just say we'll make up
And hold on a little longer
Don't have me spending it alone
This time of year is precious
Please, can we make it to Christmas?
Can we make it to Christmas?

(Christmas time)
Can we just make it to Christmas?
(Everything will be alright)
Can we just make it to Christmas?
(Everything will hold on, hold on, ho-o-old on)
Can we just make it to Christmas?
Make it to Christmas

Don't know what I'll say to dad when he sees the empty chair
Don't want to hear my mom say "told you so"
Waiting for Santa in my bed is no fun if you're not there
And I don't want to be angry at mistletoes

Darling, I know that our love is going cold
It's just something about the snow
This time of year that makes us lose our way, just say we'll make up
And hold on a little longer
Don't have me spending it alone
This time of year is precious
Please, can we make it to Christmas?
Can we make it to Christmas?

(Christmas time)
Can we just make it to Christmas?
(Everything will be alright)
Can we just make it to Christmas?
(Everything will hold on, hold on, ho-o-old on)
Can we just make it to Christmas?
Make it to Christmas

(Christmas time)
Can we just make it to Christmas?
(Everything will be alright)
Can we just make it to Christmas?
(Everything will hold on, hold on, ho-o-old on)
Can we just make it to Christmas?

Darling, I know that our love is going cold
It's just something about the snow
This time of year that makes us lose our way, just say we'll make up
And hold on a little longer
Don't have me spending it alone
This time of year is precious
Break my heart on Boxing Day
Just please, can we make it to Christmas?

(Christmas time)
Can we just make it to Christmas?
(Everything will be alright)
Can we just make it to Christmas?
(Everything will hold on, hold on, ho-o-old on)
Can we just make it to Christmas?
Make it to Christmas

(Christmas time)
Can we just make it to Christmas?
(Everything will be alright)
Can we just make it to Christmas?
(Everything will hold on, hold on, ho-o-old on)
Can we just make it to Christmas?
Make it to Christmas