Damage Is Done

Page 1404

Sigh.

I  really hate Hari Raya.

And I cant emphasise that enough.

I have not been feeling it.

What's the point?

What's the point of anything.

We're not even a normal family.

I just feel angry all the time.

And I don't know why.

The damage is done.

Since I was young.

From all the traumas I've faced.

And I've grown apart from it all.

I don't.. want to be a part of this anymore.

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Y2k, JoJo - Damage Is Done

Drew a line and
Then you crossed it
The only one that I had
Gave you trust and
Then you lost it
And now you can't get it back

You knew what you were doing
So shut your mouth
You knew what you were losing
It's too late now

The damage is done-done-done-da-done-done-da-done-done
The damage is done-done-done-da-done-done-da-done-done
Baby, you coulda been, shoulda been, woulda been the one
But the damage is done-done-done-da-done-done-da-done-done

Don't waste your breath
Saying sorry
Already made up my mind
If you really
Wanted me then
You know you'd still be mine

You knew what you were doing
So shut your mouth
You knew what you were losing
It's too late now

The damage is done-done-done-da-done-done-da-done-done
The damage is done-done-done-da-done-done-da-done-done
Baby, you coulda been, shoulda been, woulda been the one
But the damage is done-done-done-da-done-done-da-done-done

The damage is done-done-done-da-done-done-da-done-done
The damage is done-done-done-da-done-done-da-done-done
Baby, you coulda been, shoulda been, woulda been the one
But the damage is done-done-done-da-done-done-da-done-done

The damage is done-done-done-da-done-done-da-done-done
The damage is done-done-done-da-done-done-da-done-done
Baby, you coulda been, shoulda been, woulda been the one
But the damage is done-done-done-da-done-done-da-done-done

Mad Woman

Page 1403

A few days ago at work, an ex-colleague posted a picture everyone at our old workplace.

I liked and commented on it.

And lo and behold, my previous mentor FaceTimed me.

Hahaha some things really never change.

She was hilarious.

And what's more, my new mentor was beside me.

They knew each other, and we were all from the same old company.

She cracked me up.

This mad woman. Hahaha.

Telling me how I was stolen away.

We laughed and made fun of each other.

She asked me how I was. 

And made my new mentor promise to take care of me.

Aw.

It was nice seeing them again.

But honestly, I've never felt more certain about my choices.

To venture into new places.

And just be my personal best.

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Taylor Swift - Mad Woman

What did you think I'd say to that?
Does a scorpion sting when fighting back?
They strike to kill and you know I will
You know I will

What do you sing on your drive home?
Do you see my face in the neighbor's lawn?
Does she smile?
Or does she mouth "fuck you forever"?

Every time you call me crazy
I get more crazy
What about that?
And when you say I seem angry, I get more angry
And there's nothing like a mad woman
What a shame she went mad
No one likes a mad woman
You made her like that
And you'll poke that bear till her claws come out
And you find something to wrap your noose around
And there's nothing like a mad woman

Now I breathe flames each time I talk
My cannons all firing at your yacht
They say "move on"
But you know I won't
And women like hunting witches, too
Doing your dirtiest work for you
It's obvious that wanting me dead has really brought you two together

Every time you call me crazy
I get more crazy
What about that?
And when you say I seem angry, I get more angry
And there's nothing like a mad woman
What a shame she went mad
No one likes a mad woman
You made her like that
And you'll poke that bear till her claws come out
And you find something to wrap your noose around
And there's nothing like a mad woman

I'm taking my time
Taking my time
'Cause you took everything from me
Watching you climb
Watching you climb
Over people like me
The master of spin
Has a couple side flings
Good wives always know
She should be mad
Should be scathing like me
But no one likes a mad woman
What a shame she went mad

You made her like that

I Don't Think I'm Okay

Page 1402

I don't think I'm okay.

Feeling weird today.

Woke up all groggy.

Like I could just fall back to a deep sleep.

I guess it's because I slept at 2am last night.

Haha. Shiet.

I just couldn't sleep for some reason..

Tried to shake it off, cause I knew I needed to get up.

Managed to drag myself to the gym in the morning.

Pushed through 8 hours of work.

Then had a weird migraine on the way back from work.

And some sort of.. uneasiness?

Ugh. I hate this.

I think... I'll just crash early tonight.

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Bazzi - I Don't Think I'm Okay

I ain't seen my mama in a little bit over a year
And even when I see her, I know she knows that it isn't me here
'Cause I'm always in the clouds, somewhere up in space
I just hope that I could hug her before it gets way too late, late

My friends just looking for a call, they want to say hi
They wonder if the person they knew's still inside
Seems so simple, it's really so hard

Ooh, I don't think I'm okay
Ooh, I don't think I'm okay, 'kay, hmm
It feels so good to say
I, I don't think I'm okay
And that's okay

Time is moving faster, it isn't slowing down
I miss being a kid, I miss the way the thunder sounds, sounds
Ooh, maybe it's my dream that killed my self-esteem
Got so good at being someone else
Maybe I lost myself
In the search of your acceptance

But when they're looking for a call, they want to say hi
They wonder if the person they knew's still inside
Seems so simple, it's really so hard
I don't want nobody to see my ugly heart
To see my ugly scars

Ooh, I don't think I'm okay
Ooh, I don't think I'm okay, 'kay, hmm
It feels so good to say
I, I don't think I'm okay
And that's okay

The 1

Page 1401

What a tiring day it's been.

Don't know why I cant sleep properly at night...

Probably all that coffee yesterday.

I slept for 3 hours, and went for my morning shift.

Surprisingly, I was pretty focused.

Time passed really fast today.

Went straight to my partner's to rest & recover.

And slept like a baby.

Haha.

Sorry for being clingy.

But I really do appreciate all the time I spent with you.

If only you knew..

How much it means to me.

You're the 1 I want to be with, always.

:)

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Taylor Swift - The 1

I'm doing good, I'm on some new shit
Been saying "Yes" instead of "No"
I thought I saw you at the bus stop, I didn't though

I hit the ground running each night
I hit the Sunday matinee
You know the greatest films of all time were never made

I guess you never know, never know
And if you wanted me, you really should've showed
And if you never bleed, you're never gonna grow
And it's alright now

But we were something, don't you think so?
Roaring twenties, tossing pennies in the pool
And if my wishes came true
It would've been you
In my defense, I have none
For never leaving well enough alone
But it would've been fun
If you would've been the one

I have this dream you're doing cool shit
Having adventures on your own
You meet some woman on the Internet and take her home
We never painted by the numbers, baby
But we were making it count
You know the greatest loves of all time are over now

I guess you never know, never know
And it's another day, waking up alone

But we were something, don't you think so?
Roaring twenties, tossing pennies in the pool
And if my wishes came true
It would've been you
In my defense, I have none
For never leaving well enough alone
But it would've been fun
If you would've been the one

Hey, yeah-yeah
Persist and resist the temptation to ask you
If one thing had been different
Would everything be different today?

We were something, don't you think so?
Rosé flowing with your chosen family
And it would've been sweet
If it could've been me
In my defense, I have none
For digging up the grave another time
But it would've been fun
If you would've been the one

Epiphany

Page 1400

Well, a day passed by in a blink of an eye.

But it was well-spent indeed.

Breakfast date with my partner,

Went home and did some music (New songs, yay!), 

Watched a cliche horror film (hahaha yikes),

Ate a looot of chicken,

And cuddled in bed the rest of the day :)

God knows how much I needed this.

To recharge.

So thank you so much.

For always being there for me.

For being in.. my life :)

You're my epiphany.

The best I've ever had.

And I'm forever grateful for you.

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Taylor Swift - Epiphany 

Keep your helmet
Keep your life, son
Just a flesh wound
Here's your rifle

Crawling up the beaches now
Sir, I think he's bleedin' out
And some things you just can't speak about

With you, I serve
With you, I fall down
Down
Watch you breathin'
Watch you breathin' out
Out

Something med school
Did not cover
Someone's daughter
Someone's mother

Holds your hand through plastic now
Doc, I think she's crashin' out
And some things you just can't speak about

Only twenty minutes to sleep
But you dream of some epiphany
Just one single glimpse of relief
To make some sense of what you've seen

With you, I serve
With you, I fall down
Down (Down)
Watch you breathin'
Watch you breathin' out
Out

With you, I serve
With you, I fall down (Down)
Down (Down)
Watch you breathin'
Watch you breathin' out (Out)
Out

Only twenty minutes to sleep
But you dream of some epiphany
Just one single glimpse of relief
To make some sense of what you've seen

Slow Grenade

Page 1399

This was undoubtedly one of the most challenging week yet.

I felt like a slow grenade waiting to go off at any moment. 

I've never felt so exhausted in a while.

From lame politics to the shortage of manpower.

But hey, I'm still here.

I still make mistakes.

I still help out in whatever way I can.

I still lend a listening ear.

I'm.. still here.

I've done what I could.

And now it's time to rest.

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Ellie Goulding Ft Lauv - Slow Grenade

Help me, my God this got messy
Least I got the best seat
'Cause we put on one hell of a show
Waiting, I just keep on waiting
For the final curtain
'Cause I just can't let go of your love

You say my name like you know my dark side, ooh
Can't beat the taste of the tears that I'll cry, ooh

[Ellie Goulding:]
Slow grenade it's blowing up my mistakes
So why don't I, why don't I stop it?
Still got time for me to stop it
It's like a part of me must want it
That's why I'm not running from it
Can't escape this blowing up
In my face so why can't I
Why can't I stop it?
Still got time for me to stop it
It's like a part of me must love it
That's why I'm not running from it

[Lauv:]
Crazy, late nights in the city
Drink until you hate me
Then say that I should just let you go
But hold on, why do we still hold on?
Think that we should move on
But we're too scared of being alone

You say my name like you know my dark side, ooh
Can't beat the taste of the tears that I'll cry, ooh

Slow grenade it's blowing up my mistakes
So why don't I, why don't I stop it?
Still got time for me to stop it
It's like a part of me must want it
That's why I'm not running from it
Can't escape this blowing up
In my face so why can't I
Why can't I stop it?
Still got time for me to stop it
It's like a part of me must love it
That's why I'm not running from it
(Ooh)
Why can't I stop it?
Still got time for me to stop it
It's like a part of me must love it
That's why I'm not running from it

Help me, my God this got messy
Least I got the best seat
'Cause we put on one hell of a show

Slow grenade it's blowing up my mistakes
So why don't I, why don't I stop it?
Still got time for me to stop it
It's like a part of me must want it
That's why I'm not running from it
Can't escape this blowing up
In my face, so why can't I
Why can't I stop it?
Still got time for me to stop it
It's like a part of me must love it
That's why I'm not running from it
(Ooh)
Why can't I stop it?
Still got time for me to stop it
It's like a part of me must love it
That's why I'm not running from it

Leap Of Faith

Page 1398

Time seems to be passing by so slowly these days.

It's only mid-week.

And I'm already dreading the rest of it.

Sigh.

Day by day.

Take it day by day.

& take a leap of faith.

'You'll be okay.'

Something I constantly have to tell myself.

Until I believe it.

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Christopher - Leap Of Faith 

I've been wonderin'
Am I the only one
To see it comin'?
We've been doin' it wrong
For so long

Ain't it funny
How we keep complainin'
But do nothin'?
Well, we know that we'll make it
Go away

We're watchin' the clouds changin' shapes
Wait for the storm and taste the rain
But if we're standin' still, now
It'll be too late

If you're prayin' for a change
You better not wait
Keep turnin' the pages
There's choices you make
Only once in your life
Once in your life

If you're prayin' for a change
You better not wait
Keep turnin' the pages
There's choices you make
Only once in your life
Only once in your life

Are we takin'
More than we can give?
Celebratin'
Like there's no risk
It's a risk

We're watchin' the clouds changin' shapes
Wait for the storm and taste the rain
But if we're standin' still, now
It'll be too late

If you're prayin' for a change
You better not wait
Keep turnin' the pages
There's choices you make
Only once in your life
Once in your life

If you're prayin' for a change
You better not wait
Keep turnin' the pages
There's choices you make
Only once in your life
Only once in your life

When we fade, the sky's turnin' gray
Would you leave us behind
Or take a leap of faith?
I still see your color just the same
Do you see us shine?

If you're prayin' for a change
You better not wait
Keep turnin' the pages
There's choices you make
Only once in your life
Once in your life

If you're prayin' for a change
You better not wait
Keep turnin' the pages
There's choices you make
Only once in your life
Once in your life

If you're prayin' for a change
You better not wait
Keep turnin' the pages
There's choices you make
Only once in your life
Only once in your life

I've been wonderin'
Am I the only one
To see it comin'?
We've been doin' it wrong
For so long

Funny

Page 1397

Funny how your mind works.

The more you think you'll mess up,

The more likely you will.

I've come to a point where I'm just..

Laughing it off.

Because life is so ironic.

And unpredictable.

And I cant be bothered anymore.

:)

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Zedd & Jasmine Thompson - Funny

The curtains are closed now
Nothing to see
But a dozen dying roses at our feet
Your timing is perfect
Ironic to me
Showing up the moment that you shouldn't be

Last time I checked
You're the one that left
Last words you said
That you couldn't care less

It's funny how you miss me more than you could ever love me
How you couldn't give me everything and now you want it from me
Yeah, it's funny how it's different now that I got somebody
Yeah it's funny
Ooh
Yeah it's funny, funny how you, how you, answer, answer, answer
'Cause his lips seem, lips seem, lips seem, both my hands are on his body
Yeah it's funny how it's different now that I got somebody
Yeah it's funny
Ooh

Sending a message
Through mutual friends
It's like I'm talking to you using them
You heard I was happy
And I heard you're not
I guess freedom didn't free you like you thought

Last time I checked
You're the one that left
Last words you said
That you couldn't care less

It's funny how you miss me more than you could ever love me
How you couldn't give me everything and now you want it from me
Yeah, it's funny how it's different now that I got somebody
Yeah it's funny
Ooh
Yeah it's funny, funny how you, how you, answer, answer, answer
'Cause his lips seem, lips seem, lips seem, both my hands are on his body
Yeah it's funny how it's different now that I got somebody
Yeah it's funny
Ooh

It's funny how you miss me more than you could ever love me
How you couldn't give me everything and now you want it from me
Yeah, it's funny how it's different now that I got somebody
Yeah it's funny
Ooh
It's funny how you're calling couldn't answer if I wanted
'Cause his lips are on my lips and both my hands are on his body
Yeah it's funny how it's different now that I got somebody
Yeah it's funny
Ooh

Yeah it's funny, funny how you, how you, answer, answer, answer
'Cause his lips seem, lips seem, lips seem, both my hands are on his body
Yeah, it's funny how it's different now that I got somebody
Yeah it's funny
Ooh

Who's laughing now?
Who's laughing now?
Who's laughing now?
Who's laughing now?
Ooh

Brightest Blue

Page 1396

Another week has passed.

And things have been much better lately

Weekends felt short, but was well-spent.

Gotta make the most out of it :)

Took a walk at JEMS today.

Even though the weather was hot, it was nice to be out again.

Fresh air.

Had coffee.

Walked around.

And just.. soaked in the moment.

Thankful.

It's just important to count your blessings and to stay.. grounded.

Everything will always fall in place.

Patience.

And just embrace. The brightest blue. 

Love, Eran.

PS. Loving this song so much. Strings <3

Current Song Mood: Ellie Goulding - Brightest Blue

Everything is heightened now
It's looking so much brighter now
I was lost and now I'm found
Fell off the merry-go-round
I was in the politics
Obsessed with things I couldn't fix
Kissing bigger with a fist
Addicted to the thrill of it

And with these colors fading
People changing feelings
Faking some kind of love
A different flavor, seek the danger
Feel new life rush into my blood
Illuminated never shaded
See the future when I look in the sky
When I look in the sky, you give me
You give me

The brightest blue, the brightest blue
Tonight give me the brightest blue
The brightest blue, so bright

There's no blue in the odyssey
Even in the calmest seas
Now it's all I wanna be
A semi-precious mystery
Yeah I love me more than you
Doesn't mean I can't be true
Slip into the blue lagoons
I could be your muse

Times are hard, people scarred
We don't know if we're gonna fight
Break a heart, play the card
We just came along for the ride
But in the dark, you're the spark
See the future when I look in your eyes
Cause you've given me, you give me
You give me

The brightest blue, the brightest blue
Tonight give me the brightest blue
The brightest blue, so bright

Don't you worry about the future
Cause this is the blue evolution
I don't think this love's an illusion
So let's wake up
Don't you worry about the future
Cause this is the blue evolution
I finally see you're my greatest
You're my greatest revelation

The brightest blue, the brightest blue
Tonight give me the brightest blue
The brightest blue, so bright

Easy

Page 1395

Still grasping what I heard today.

In the car, on the way back home.

It was like a therapy session.

This always happens.

People trusting me, and somehow telling me about their problems.

I told you, I'm a sponge.

This one was heavy.

And I could see from the look in her eyes, that she was really traumatised.

I just listened. And empathised.

I'm sorry.

It's not easy.

But time.. will heal.

At least sharing it.. maybe you'll get some of that baggage off your shoulders.

Thank you for trusting me.

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Troye Sivan - Easy

You ran away to find something to say
I went astray to make it okay, and he made it easy, darlin'
I'm still in love and I say that because
I know how it seems between you and me, it hasn't been easy, darlin'

I can't even look at you
Would you look at the space just next to your feet?
The wood is warping
The lines distorting
This house is on fire, woo!
Burning the tears right off my face
What the hell did we do?
Tell me we'll make it through

'Cause he made it easy
Easy
Please don't leave me
Leave me

What's left of the dance? That's all on my hands
The rock in my throat, a hair on my coat
The stranger at home, my darlin'
(Like some kind of freak, my darlin')
Now I'm vulnerable, so sad and alone
But don't cry for me, 'cause everyone knows
You reap what you sow, my darlin'
Uh-yeah, yeah, yeah

I can't even look at you
Would you look at the space just next to your feet?
The wood is warping
The lines distorting
This house is on fire, woo!
Burning the tears right off my face
What the hell did we do?
Tell me we'll make it through

'Cause he made it easy
Easy
Please don't leave me
Don't leave me

(He made it easy)
(Please don't leave me)
(He made it easy)
(Please don't leave me)

I can't even look at you
Would you look at the space just next to your feet?
The wood is warping
The lines distorting
This house is on fire, woo!
Burning the tears right off my face
What the hell did we do?
Tell me we'll make it through

'Cause he made it easy
Easy
Please don't leave me, no
Don't leave me

(He made it easy)
(Please don't leave me)
(He made it easy)
(Please don't leave me)

Small Things

Page 1394

I guess I've been getting better at holding things in.

All the small things.

That are actually huge.

Because sometimes.

Sometimes I just feel like breaking down.

Or bursting out in anger.

I try to contain it.

And it's not healthy.

For me. For my head.

Maybe my partner's dad was right.

Maybe I do have a lot of anger in me.

Unresolved anger from the past.

That I just keep hidden away.

Current mood?

I'm currently having a panic attack.

From all the personal attacks I've been having the entire day.

From my Mum - to my Partner.

It seems like I cant have proper conversations without triggering anyone.

So I'm just gonna keep quiet.

Maybe I'm supposed to be a superhero that absorbs all your emotions.

But I am human too.

And there's only so much I can take.

And I will back away.. if I have to.

I just need some time on my own.

Don't ask me how I'm doing.

Because right now, I feel like absolute shit.

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: JoJo - Small Things

Heard your name
Just as I was heading home the other day
And I swear I couldn't even sit up straight
I swallowed hard
I found a shirt
Cleaning my apartment and it made it worse
And I swear you couldn't even see the hurt
I swallowed hard

Now when my friends ask how I'm doing
I say I'm great now, but the truth is

I'm getting good at holding it in
All my emotions, all my feelings
But the more that I fight them, the bigger they seem
What really kills me is all the small things

I saw your car
Wasn't you, but for a minute I thought it was
Swear to God, I almost didn't think of us
I swallowed hard

And when my friends ask how I'm doing
I say I'm great now, but the truth is

I'm getting good at holding it in
All my emotions, all my feelings
But the more that I fight them, the bigger they seem
What really kills me is all the small things

All the small things
Oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-ooh, ooh, yeah

This city has your fingerprints all over it
And I can't even think about how some day she will too
And I know I'll get over it 'cause that's just what I'll do
But what really kills me is everything you get used to

I'm getting good at holding it in
All my emotions, all my feelings
But the more that I fight them, the bigger they seem
What really kills me is all the small things

Ooh, it's always just the small things
Yeah