Win Again

Page 186

Today I've gained newfound strength and resilience. I finally saw some hope. And that's a feeling I will never forget.

To be able to interact with people, and having them encourage me to take action for the better.. It's gonna be tough. But I'll do it. Just to know that people notice what's happening to me.. I'm just thankful enough.

At the end of work.. (I ended at 11). I took the train home as usual. I was at a corner, listening to music. And then.. I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned, and I saw a familiar face. He smiled.

Him: 'Remember me?'

Me: 'ZUHRI!!!!'

HAHA. When I first started interning at a hospital, Zuhri was an ITE student back then. That was 2 years ago. He was the one showing me the ropes of the hospital. And I can recall how much I treasured our friendship back then. He was the nicest soul I've ever met. We kept ourselves updated through text for a while, and then… he vanished. I totally forgot about him, until last year. I tried texting him during Raya, but to no avail. I realised he wasn't on FB either. So I really didnt know how to contact him. And now, there he was, right in front of me. HAHA. I quickly got down his contact, and we talked about our lives. 'Guess where I am now? The ward where we first met!' I excitedly told him. It was weird being in uniform and he, out of the profession already. Nostalgic too. We talked and talked and I finally had to stop at my train station. 

'All the best!'

'Thank You! :)'

Coincidental? I think not. Everything is happening for a reason.

Thank you guys. I needed this lift. To keep me motivated and going.

Love, Eran.

Today, I win.

Current Song Mood: Nicki Minaj - Win Again

[Verse 1:]
I came out looking to party, and now I'm owning that building
You bitches can't get my spot until I start raising some children
These bitches all in they feelings, can't fuck with Nicki they know it
They know that Nicki a poet, pop me a bottle of Moet
They said I couldn't, but I did it though
Tell 'em I still got that hour glass figure though
Can't stop me, don't watch me, you better just watch your nigga ho
I'm in that big boy, I am in beast mode
Beast make that G code
Bitches ain't got drive, these bitches gone get repo'd
I am a monster, this is ambition
This the type of car that you keep a bad bitch in

[Pre-Chorus:]
Not that I don't got good vision, but I don't see competition
They want me to come and help them but I am not a magician
I'm on them fo-fours I'm tipping, you better move out my way
I am not here to play, Pinkprint can't be delayed

[Chorus:]
Cause I win again, cause I win again, and I win again, and I win again,
And I win again, and I win again, and I win again, yeah I win again
Can't tell me nothing about it, your opinion is invalid
Go against me, then you made a mistake

[Verse 2:]
Yo, yo, cause I came out, '09 when promoters brought Wayne out
Lewinsky, like I couldn't get the stain out
I been bad, like cutting school, and staying out
I been hotter then vacationing, and laying out
I sat back, and watched how it was playing out
They diss me, but running and took the same route
Uh, but no, they not Nicki, wrist on Ice and yes my wrist Bricky
If I leave, the game will miss Nicki, not a website booking, money, this says 50
Pop bottles with my bitches and get pissy
This shit ain't got no more integrity
Don't write they raps, and plus they flow shitty
Don't make me expose you bitch, I'm too busy
Hoped on the Bridge-y, New York City
Nicki Still the queen, Niggas already
(Hoped on the Bridge-y, New York City
Nicki Still the queen, Niggas already)

[Pre-Chorus:]
Soon as I came in I told them that I would become the greatest
Muhammad Ali all these bitches, and that can't be debated
I never chicken'd, I skated, I know they mad that I made
All this money I made, all my bitches is laid

[Chorus:]
Cause I win again, cause I win again, and I win again, and I win again,
And I win again, and I win again, and I win again, yeah I win again
Can't tell me nothing about it, your opinion is invalid
Go against me, then you made a mistake

[Outro:]
So good, so real, so good, yeah
I'm a win again, I'm a win again

I'm Meryl Streep to all these bitches, they can't do what I do
Sometimes I just look in the mirror and I be like, "Why you?"
Yeah, I know that they mad, but I'm a shit on my critics some more

I am...
I am...
I am still gonna do, what he sent me to do
That's kill, kill, everything in, everything in my way,
That's kill, kill, everything in, everything in my way,
That's kill, kill, everything in, everything in my way

They know I am a champion, no, champions do, it's all champions do

Big Fat Lie

Page 185

I really cannot.

I don't know how long I can handle this.

This constant mental stress.

And surprisingly, its not about relationships or love. But work.

Being constantly shot down each day, and no motivation for me to do better at all.

Everyone was so fucking harsh today. And it got me peeved off.

Sometimes I look at other people's lives.. and they're having it so good. Laughing and smiling.

And then I look at myself.. and I'm like 'FML.'

I don't know how I'm gonna survive the next 2 months.

I keep lying to myself.

That it'll all be okay.

That I'll be alright.

That I'll make it.

But it's so tough.

It feels like..

I'm living a big fat lie.

Love, Eran.

I don't know how long I can keep going like this.

Current Song Mood: Nicole Scherzinger - Big Fat Lie

I ain't never had my heart broken
When I say that, I should start choking
I could say I never lacked a father figure
But I only seek out men to be my father figure

I'm never alone, I'm so famous
But still I'm prescribed pills to make it painless
I'm so pretty, huh, got it so goodie, huh
California days, they say it never rains

But why does it seems my make-up's never dry
And if my life's like a perfect sky
Why I feel gray inside?
And if I'm living such a wonderful high
Why don't I feel alive

But I'm a keep my tears to me
But the truth between me and you
Just know I'm living a big fat lie

Lie, lie, lie, lie
You know I love to lie
Lie, lie, lie, lie
I'm living a big fat lie

Lie, lie, lie, lie
You know I love to lie
If you look past my features, just a little deeper
I'm living a big fat lie

Airbrush on my pictures
Make my legs a little thinner
Eyes just a little lighter
Now make my ass just a little bigger

Yeah, now autotune my tone
Big smile, take a bow
Go with it, read the prompter
California days, they say it never rains

But why does it seems my make-up's never dry
And if my life's like a perfect sky
Why I feel gray inside?
And if I'm living such a wonderful high
Why don't I feel alive

But I'm a keep my tears to me
But the truth between me and you
Just know I'm living a big fat lie

Lie, lie, lie, lie
You know I love to lie
Lie, lie, lie, lie
I'm living a big fat lie

Lie, lie, lie, lie
You know I love to lie
If you look past my features, just a little deeper
I'm living a big fat lie

Only a problem has all the answers
That's the secret
And I don't wanna fail you
But I wish I could tell you
It's our little secret
(You know I love to lie)
Lie, lie, lie, lie
You know I love to lie

(You know I love to lie)
Lie, lie, lie, lie
I'm living a big fat lie

(You know I love to lie)
Lie, lie, lie, lie
You know I love to lie

If you look past my features, just a little deeper
I'm living a big fat lie

You're Mine

Page 184

 Mine.

Today felt so good. Met someone special after waiting for what seemed like a loooong time. I really enjoyed today. The company. The movie. The nap. The cuddles. The laughters. The.. ahem.

When you were sleeping, I couldn't help just staring at you. Listening to your heart beat. Feeling the rise and fall of your chest. Embracing you in my arms. And even laughing at your snores. HAHA.
I felt pretty lucky.

I needed this break. Even with you, work still haunted me. Seriously, even when I'm sleeping, I think of work. -.- But whatever.. at least I get to spend this time away from all of that.. I'm not even sure if you know how much being with you means to me. 

So thank you.

Until next time.

<3

Love, Eran.

I can't seem to live without your love.

Current Song Mood: Mariah Carey - You're Mine

Intro:]
Mine (ma-ine)
Mine
Mine (you're ma-ine)
Mine

[Pre-Chorus:]
I can't seem to live without your love
Suffocating here by myself dying for your touch
Spring time eyes that get you every time
And I just can't seem to give you up
You're mine

[Chorus:]
You make me feel
Our love would never end
How can I forget
Baby we were the best
Suffered dreams of you all through the night
And baby I can't seem to give you up
You're mine

[Post-Chorus:]
I can't seem to give you up
You're Mine (baby you're mine)
I can't seem to give you up
You're Mine

Summer days and summer nights
When I felt you in my arms
Didn't I want you badly
Wanted to let you have me

Autumn days and stormy nights
When you crushed me with your charms
Didn't I need you madly
Now I'm lying here falling apart
[Pre-Chorus:]
I can't seem to live without your love
Suffocating here by myself dying for your touch
Spring time eyes that get you every time
And I just can't seem to give you up
You're Mine

[Chorus:]
Boy you make me feel
Our love would never end
How can I forget
Baby we were the best
I suffer dreams of you all through the night
And baby I can't seem to give you up
You're Mine

I can't seem to give you up
You're Mine (baby you're mine)
I can't seem to give you up
You're Mine

[Bridge:]
Oh
You make me feel
Like love would never end
Tell me how can I forget that
My baby we were the best
I suffer in dreams of you all through the night
And baby I can't seem to
Give you up
You're mine

[Post-Chorus:]
I can't seem to give you up
You're Mine
I can't seem to give you up
You're Mine

Pompeii

Page 183 

I've just survived the longest + most stressful working hours of my life. 3 days of consecutive work, with little rest and just 4 hours of sleep. Non-stop migraines, piles of workload, and facing shit that gets me so down. I felt so suffocative, so restricted, and so weak. I'm so glad I can finally take a breather, for now. And give my damn legs and body the break they deserve.

Last night meant so much to me. The fact that you were worried, made me feel appreciated enough. So thank you.

Maybe it's your way of affection. Maybe your way is just, different. I'd like to believe that.

Whatever it is,

I can't wait to see you again.

<3

Love, Eran.

If you closed your eyes, would it still feel the same?

This song lifts me up. Especially Rachel's last scene, looking into the sky and smiling. 

We all know who she's thinking about.

:)

Current Song Mood: Glee - Pompeii (Bastille Cover)

[The Group:]
Eh, eh-oh, eh-oh, eh, eh-oh, eh-oh
Eh, eh-oh, eh-oh, eh, eh-oh, eh-oh
Eh, eh-oh, eh-oh, eh, eh-oh, eh-oh
Eh, eh-oh, eh-oh, eh, eh-oh, eh-oh

[Rachel:]
I was left to my own devices
Many days fell away with nothing to show

[Kurt:]
And the walls kept tumbling down
In the city that we love
Great clouds roll over the hills
Bringing darkness from above

[Sam (The Group):]
But if you close your eyes (Eh-oh, eh-oh)
Does it almost feel like (Eh, eh-oh, eh-oh)
Nothing's changed at all? (Eh, eh-oh, eh-oh, eh, eh-oh, eh-oh)

[Artie and Brittany (The Group):]
And if you close your eyes (Eh, eh-oh, eh-oh)
Does it almost feel like (Eh, eh-oh, eh-oh)
You've been here before? (Eh, eh-oh, eh-oh, eh, eh-oh, eh-oh)

[Kurt with Blaine:]
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

[Sam:]
We were caught up and lost in all of our vices

[Mercedes and Sam:]
In your pose as the dust settled around us

[Artie and Mercedes:]
And the walls kept tumbling down
In the city that we love
Great clouds roll over the hills
Bringing darkness from above

[Brittany and Mercedes (The Group):]
But if you close your eyes (Eh-oh, eh-oh)
Does it almost feel like (Eh, eh-oh, eh-oh)
Nothing's changed at all? (Eh, eh-oh, eh-oh, eh, eh-oh, eh-oh)
And if you close your eyes (Eh, eh-oh, eh-oh)
Does it almost feel like (Eh, eh-oh, eh-oh)
You've been here before? (Eh, eh-oh, eh-oh, eh, eh-oh, eh-oh)

[Artie with Sam:]
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

[The Group:]
Eh, eh-oh, eh-oh, eh, eh-oh, eh-oh
Eh, eh-oh, eh-oh, eh, eh-oh, eh-oh

[Rachel (and Kurt):]
Oh where do we begin?
(The rubble or our sins?)

[The Group:]
Oh where do we begin?

[Rachel with the Group:]
The rubble or our sins?

[Sam (Mercedes with the Group):]
And the walls kept tumbling down (Oh where do we begin?)
In the city that we love (The rubble or our sins?)
Great clouds roll over the hills (Oh where do we begin?)
Bringing darkness from above (The rubble or our sins?)

[Mercedes and Sam (The Group):]
But if you close your eyes (Eh-oh, eh-oh)
Does it almost feel like (Eh, eh-oh, eh-oh)
Nothing's changed at all? (Eh, eh-oh, eh-oh, eh, eh-oh, eh-oh)
And if you close your eyes (Eh, eh-oh, eh-oh)
Does it almost feel like (Eh, eh-oh, eh-oh)
You've been here before? (Eh, eh-oh, eh-oh, eh, eh-oh, eh-oh)

[Sam with Rachel:]
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

[Sam (The Group):]
If you close your eyes (Eh-oh, eh-oh)

[Rachel with Kurt:]
Does it almost feel like ([The Group:] Eh, eh-oh, eh-oh)
Nothing changed at all? ([The Group:] Eh, eh-oh, eh-oh, eh, eh-oh, eh-oh)
[The Group:]
Eh, eh-oh, eh-oh, eh, eh-oh, eh-oh
Eh, eh-oh, eh-oh, eh, eh-oh, eh-oh
Eh, eh-oh, eh-oh, eh, eh-oh, eh-oh
Eh, eh-oh, eh-oh, eh, eh-oh, eh-oh

Still

Page 182

I felt so dead today.

Working with a aching heart. 

Faking a smile for the sake of it.

How do people get by like this?

All the signs seem to be showing up.

I'm scared.

And I don't wish to look into this anymore. 

I don't wish to care.

But deep down, I do.

And now, I just want to sleep it away.

Love, Eran.

I've been longing for your warmth.

I fucking miss you.

Current Song Mood: Daughter - Still

I'll wrap up my bones
And leave them
Out of this home
Out on the road

Two feet standing on a principle
Two hands longing for each others warmth
Cold smoke seeping out of colder throats
Darkness falling, leaves nowhere to go

It's spiraling down 
Biting words like a wolf howling
Hate is spitting out each others mouths
But we're still sleeping like we're lovers

Still with feet touching
Still with eyes meeting
Still our hands match
Still with hearts beating

Still with feet touching
Still with eyes meeting
Still our hands match
Still with hearts beating

Still with feet touching
Still with eyes meeting
Still our hands match
Still with hearts beating

Two feet standing on a principle
Two hands digging in each others wounds
Cold smoke seeping out of colder throats
Darkness falling, leaves nowhere to move

It's spiraling down 
Biting words like a wolf howling
Hate is spitting out each others mouths
But we're still sleeping like we're lovers

Still with feet touching
Still with eyes meeting
Still our hands match
Still with hearts beating

Still with feet touching
Still with eyes meeting
Still our hands match
Still with hearts beating

Still with feet touching
Still with eyes meeting
Still our hands match
Still with hearts beating

I'll wrap up my bones
And leave them
Out of this home
Out on the road

Two feet standing on a principle
Two hands longing for each others warmth
Cold smoke seeping out of colder throats
Darkness falling, leaves nowhere to go

The Whisperer

Page 181

Everytime a new year starts, everything always feels fresh & new.

New me.

New love.

New feelings.

Feeling rather emotional and down today. Don't know whether it's because of work tomorrow, or because I just feel lovesick. Haven't been able to meet you the past few days. Why do I feel the need to cling on to you? I don't wanna seem like a nuisance.. Your words do make me feel better. And it's dangerous for me to depend on that. 

Found myself wrapped up in the darkness on my bed, eyes closed, ears wide open, to this song.

Feelings can be amazing.

Feelings can be scary too.

And if you let it take over you, you'll lose yourself.
It might.. kill.

Love, Eran.

I dont wanna do anything stupid...

Current Song Mood: David Guetta Ft Sia - The Whisperer

I was standing on the edge
I'd long for a new beginning
But I couldn't look down, but I couldn't look down
I'm a coward

A million voices screamed in my head
And I felt sure that I would give in
So why couldn't I now? Why couldn't I now?
Your voice was louder

By design God gave me feelings
And by design they shall not kill
But when the noises overwhelm me
I feel sure that they will

Oh, liberation, comes in whatever form to save me
I am burdened, and then the whisper comes
You whisper in the breeze
Whispers that I'm needing
Quiet words, soothe the hurt, whisperer

And though I struggle through the days now
It helps to know that you are listening
So I just wait it out
I'll wait this out, by the hour

By design God gave me feelings
And by design they shall not kill
But when the noises overwhelm me
I feel sure that they will

Oh, liberation, comes in whatever form to save me
I am burdened, and then the whisper comes
You whisper in the breeze
Whispers that I'm needing
Quiet words, soothe the hurt, whisperer

Back To The Start

Page 180 (Chapter 6)

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I hope everyone had a good start to the year. 

Oh what am I saying. 

Like as if it makes a difference anyway.

Same shit different year!
But well… after everything I've been through this year.. I guess I'm different now.
Better, stronger, wiser.
:)

Haha but some things never change.
 I don't even what I did the whole day. LOL..

Time just literally zoomed by and now it's night. Gosh.

At this rate my off-days will just be a waste. .__.

Well now, moving on, lets look back at all the wonderful music from 2014 :) These are albums that I feel are worth taking a listen to, if you haven't!

2014 MUSIC:

-Lea Michele's album 'Louder' was one a kind. I could relate to every song. Especially due to Cory's passing.. and because I was going through somewhat what she was, I just connected really well with the songs. It made them sound more.. special.

-Sia's '1000 Forms Of Fear' was a masterpiece. As usual, it was full of hits, amazing soaring vocals, and professional lyricism. I mean come on, Chandelier was a mega banger! I remember when THAT was released. Was so blown away by her talent.

-Ed Syaheeran Sheeran's 'X'. Tbh… I haven't heard the whole album yet HAHAHA. But I REALLY love Photograph and Thinking Out Loud! Promise I'll listen to the whole record soon. x)

- Ariana Grande's 'My Everything' was such a standout album. The tracks were beautiful, though some were growers, some were instant bangers! There was more maturity in this album, and it was more sensual and RnB. Situations I've been through before made the songs very relatable.

-Chris Brown's 'X'. Omg this. Loving the RnB vibe. I really admire his artistry. And until this day I still wonder why 'Don't Be Gone Too Long' version with Ariana Grande couldn't be released as a single?! The music video was FLAWLESS.

-Taylor Swift's '1989' was an amazing pop record. CATCHY SONGS!!! And there was definitely some maturity in the album. :)

-Nicki Minaj's 'The PinkPrint' is just.. hold it… AMAZEBALLS!!!! I didnt expect this at all from her. I mean.. having sad slow rnb songs? A ballad?! Woah. I came across her 'PinkPrint Movie' and I was blown away by the visuals and songs that were represented. If not, I wouldn't bother listening to the album at all :x Good for her! I really think she should sing more, she has what it takes.

Here's to more wonderful music this year. Just to name a few favourites: JoJo (YES!!!!), Tori Kelly, Rihanna, Fergie, Demi Lovato, Kelly Clarkson, Drake, Justin Bieber, & (most likely) Selena Gomez.

In the meantime.. I also have some plans for this year.. which I'm keeping hush-hush.

For now. 

;)

Here's to a new beginning! I hope it will be a good journey.
More chapters to write.
More songs to sing.
More love.
More heartbreaks.
New year, new beginning aye?
Let's do this.
Amin.

I miss your presence.

Love, Eran.

It feels like I'm back to the start again…

Current Song Mood: SOMO - Back To The Start

You guys gotta listen to this amazing cover!! Been saving this all year long. :)

Current Song Mood: Adriana - Back To The Start (SOMO Cover)

That just straps up your heart.
And you're back to the start again.

She wanted my heart,
Wanted my soul,
Wanted that loving
But I ain't tryna hold on to her heart
To see it fold.
Girl's holding on to the thought so tight
Holding on for her life
I just might have to give it to her,
For one loving night.
She whispers so slow
Said to my ear, "I love Somo."
I said, "you just wanna get in my pants,
Cause I'm 'bout to get that dough."
She says, "I like it fast."
I say, "Why you gotta rev my gas?"
Next thing I know,
I'm standing in my front door tryna stop my hands

I just wanna take your picture
Go 'head stand there in the door
Let's get naughty, let's get naughty
Take your body to the floor
Toot that thing and make it drop
Come over and show me more
Hold me softly, I'll keep going
Till you're screaming and you're sore

And we live for that rush.
And we rush for that love.
And we love for that one
That just straps up your heart.
And you're back to the start again
That just straps up your heart.
And you're back to the start

She's dripping to the core
Says to me, "can I explore
Your body, feeling exotic
And I just need a little tour."
We start off just by touching
Then we go on to rubbing
She says "I'm on top
Let me ride."
I say, "uh-uh, I'm a get that loving."
I thought you could take it fast
Yeah, you like it when I slap your ass
Take it all, I'm a go deep
Keep it so sweet, one night to make it last
She's close, I'm about to wrap
She can't open up her eyes
I'm driving deep and her body's so weak
And I can't let go inside

I just wanna take your picture
Go 'head stand there in the door
Let's get naughty, let's get naughty
Take your body to the floor
Toot that thing and make it drop
Come over and show me more
Hold me softly, I'll keep going
Till you're screaming and you're sore

And we live for that rush.
And we rush for that love.
And we love for that one
That just straps up your heart.
And you're back to the start again
And she prays for the love
So I stay and re-run
Sends a wish on a star
Now just wraps up her heart
We were trapped from the start

So we live for that rush.
And we rush for that love.
And we love for that one
That just straps up your heart.
And you're back to the start again
Why can't we just hold on to one, one, one, one, one...