Celebration Song

 Page 1510

Time really flies when you're having fun. Here's a recap of my week:

Hari Raya Aidilfitri

Ramadhan's finally ended. It felt like a really short period of time tbh. But I'm thankful that I got to spend most of mine at home on hospitalisation leave, as I had the chance to break fast with my family. I'm so consumed by work all the time that I rarely get that opportunity, so this was a blessing in disguise. Worked on Hari Raya cause.. well what the heck, not like we can go out any way. Haha. At least I got to spend the morning with them. And we did the traditional ask-for-forgiveness shit. Hahaha. Awkward as always. Mine is always short and sweet. 😝 But the moments after made me feel good, because ya know, there's no point holding any resentments.

2nd Circuit Breaker

Well, our outdoor movement is once again restricted due to the rising COVID cases in the community. Ah well, at we have some time to react. Plus I liked it better during circuit breaker when the trains were less crowded. LOL. I would like to experience working from home though. But on second thoughts, maybe not 🤣.

Last kopek

Last kopek (chance) to go dine out, so I decided to go JEMS with le partner. Hehe. Usually we'd be lazy and just hang out at home, but the thought of being cooped up for 3 weeks and possible longer was just a no-no. 

Hung out at Starbucks & we managed to go on a last minute date at Fish & Co. How nice, it's been a whileeee. Plus we had quite a nice seat. And the food was really reallyyy good. Walked at the newly-opened IKEA too! It was a bittttt disappointing to be honest. And I bought a new rug just for the heck of it. Haha. Also, cant wait to try the cafe next time! It was funny cause we encountered a number of couple fighting there haha. Chill guys, its no biggyyyy.

A shoutout to my partner, for always pampering the heck out of me. I love you to the moon & back. 💕

Stay safe guys. Stay home. Until next time.

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Holding Absence - Celebration Song

I'm alive
I'm alive

To the existential dread
I let run through my head:
The truth is that you hurt me for so long
And here's my celebration song

I know that years from now
When my final flame runs out
I'll be a grain of sand
Running through a stranger's hand

But right now

I'm alive
I'm alive
I'm alive
I lived to see today
I lost so much along the way
And that's fine
'Cause I'm alive

I've been so hurt for so long
I've been so hurt for so long
I've been so hurt for so long
I've been so hurt for so long

I'm done
Trying to run
From all the things that make me feel alive
For fear that I might just catch fire

'Cause I've earned
A couple days amongst the sun
God knows I've more than paid my dues
For all the months that I didn't want to live through
The sleepless nights, the bloodshot eyes
This blissful pain contextualized
I went to deaths door
He let me inside
But for all my want
He couldn't look me in the eyes
So I

I've been so hurt for so long

Suicide

 Page 1509

And the first week of May ends.

Been getting more and more busy these days, and missed out on blogging.

So I guess I'll just summarise everything.

Let's try a new format :)

Back To Work

The day I dreaded came. After 2 and a half weeks away from work, I was quite worried about how I will adapt when I came back. Honestly, it didnt take a lot. I was back to the usual routine after a day and I was glad that I still had 'it'. It was good being productive again, and seeing people who missed me. It's good to be back.

Gym Closure

Been receiving a lot of comments about my weight loss. Hopefully I can keep this up. It's been a long time coming.. haha. But I'm glad there are at least some results. It's taken a lot for me to feel comfortable in my skin. I'm guessing the fasting and the compound exercises I've been doing are paying off. Not to mention the soft diet I had when I had my wisdom teeth removed. Alas, the gym will be closed for 3 weeks. I hope I can surviveeeee. 

Happy Mother's Day

Celebrated Mother's Day with the family yesterday. Decided to get my Mum a cake because, what the heck, she deserves it. I know I rarely talk about family, but I've grown to realise how they're still important to me. They are really, all you have.

Suicide

Recently my partner's been expressing some.. dark thoughts. Not gonna lie, I've been worried sick. Seeing you today, and being yourself again has give me some ease. The challenges faced this month are exceptionally great, but without a doubt, you'll come out stronger. And just know, that I'm always here for you.

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Isaac Dunbar - Suicide

Suicide, baby, it's the worst
Think about the people that you'll hurt
They won't even care about the things I'll choose to do
Because all I am is all that I've been through

My skin is very young
But my heart is very old
My mind thinks lips and tongue
But my bones decide my home
My fears ran through my lungs
And my eyes only saw gold
My room's where my throat hung
And my fingers turned purple

It's not worth it, baby, I would know
My mom walked in her sunny day went to snow
What's the point of being here, baby, I won't see them cry
I'll be somewhere in the clouds, I hope, tonight

My skin is very young
But my heart is very old
My mind thinks lips and tongue
But my bones decide my home
My fears ran through my lungs
And my eyes only saw gold
My room's where my throat hung
And my fingers turned purple

Then I saw that death was not my treasure
That my life was headed for gold
When my gold-chained-noose applied some pressure
I fought till I bled cold

My skin is very young
But my heart is very old
My mind thinks lips and tongue
But my bones decide my home
My fears ran through my lungs
And my eyes only saw gold
My room's where my throat hung
And my fingers turned purple

Your Power

 Page 1508

Hey.

Been a while.

I've been on a loooong break.

Like.. 2 weeks plus away from work?

Hahaha.

My teeth are doing just fine.

I've been enjoying all this time to myself.

And it feels so nice.

A nice change of pace.

Is this what those in quarantine felt?

I've never had the chance to experienced it.

Never took leave since I started working in this company.

To have my own time to do what I want to.

Going back to the gym routine.

Wardrobe declutter.

Made some songs. 

And gamed (A LOT). 😳

But all good things come to an end.

Next week is approaching and I'm already dreading the thought. 🤣

I suppose this is why a lot of people want to own their own business.

To take control of their own schedule & time.

Who knows - maybe I could one day too. 

It's already the end of April.

Shit.

Slow down 2021.

Currently obsessed with Billie's new song.

Her power.

I am living for all these vulnerability and peaceful vibes all these artists are pouring in their art.

Cant wait for the album - July 30th.

Which is exactly on FINNEAS's birthday.

STOKED.

See you, next month.

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Billie Eilish - Your Power

Try not to abuse your power
I know we didn't choose to change
You might not wanna lose your power
But having it's so strange

She said you were a hero, you played the part
But you ruined her in a year, don't act like it was hard
And you swear you didn't know (Didn't know)
No wonder why you didn't ask
She was sleeping in your clothes (In your clothes)
But now she's got to get to class
How dare you?

And how could you?
Will you only feel bad when they find out?
If you could take it all back, would you?

Try not to abuse your power
I know we didn't choose to change
You might not wanna lose your power
But having it's so strange

I thought that I was special, you made me feel
Like it was my fault you were the devil, lost your appeal
Does it keep you in control? (In control)
For you to keep her in a cage?
And you swear you didn't know (Didn't know)
You said you thought she was your age
How dare you?

And how could you?
Will you only feel bad if it turns out, that they kill your contract?
Would you?

Try not to abuse your power
I know we didn't choose to change
You might not wanna lose your power
But power isn't pain

Hmm
Ooh, ooh, ha
La-la-la-la-la

Power

 Page 1507

The day I've been dreading.

My 2nd wisdom tooth extraction.

By this time I was fully prepared tho.

Made sure I had my lunch beforehand.

Reached early but apparently my Doctor went for her vaccination.

What is up with her and her punctuality???

Previously she rescheduled my appointment after booking it, just because she went on leave.

Lol.

So to prevent waiting, they asked another doctor to take her place.

This dude had some kind of vibe. Like that annoying MO officer you'd see in camp.

Went to the surgery room and lied down.

Without warning, he asked me to open wide, and put injected analgesia.

I didn't even have time to react. Lol.

And the nurse that put mouthwash for me didn't suction properly. 

I had to request for her help.

Could see the difference in service compared to last week.

But oh well, I had bigger things to worry about.

The wait was loooong.

They told me 'We're waiting for the analgesia to set in'

It didn't take this long last week.

It felt like a good 15-20 mins.

And I heard voices outside.

'You want to take him? Or you want me?'

Some mumbles here and there.

And then, he called out from outside,

'Mohammad! Dr W is back, she will take over.'

Thank god.

I didn't trust this guy one bit. Lol.

Dr W came in and she immediately did her scrubbing.

I asked; 'How was your jab?'

Her: *stunned* 'Oh you know ah? Yeah I went for my jab! It was my first one. So scary cause I have a lot of medical allergies'

'I see I see' I laughed.

Her: 'Its okay la! So far so good. I heard first jab is ok, 2nd jab more strong right? You've done yours?'

Me: 'Yeah :)'

She proceeded to check my previous wound.

'Looks good! Ok we shall start'.

The whole procedure didn't take so long. 

And it was relatively less traumatic cause the tooth wasn't as deep.

I felt good after. Like I've been through worst.

After observation, I had the weirdest nurse ever doing my check-up.

I don't know, the way she talked to me, was like she was tired of working and just wanted to discharge me as soon as possible.

I'm like: 'Chill girl, its gonna be Friday soon.'  💀💀💀

Left for my pharmacy and the wait was just as bad. It was very messy there. I'm not sure why. But anyway, this intern attended to me with her supervisor (a Kakak Melayu) beside her.

The way she explained the medications to me in depth was hilarious. And she looked like she was about to eat me. I'm not sure if she was nervous or what. But I understand hahaha.

The supervisor took over the last few parts and she was really nice.

I went home after and have been laying around since. 

The analgesia has worn off and the pain has set in. But honestly, its been pretty tolerable.

It took a lot of power and mental strength to go through this again. Oh well. Never again!

I'm clearing my leaves until May anyway, so that's something to look forward to. 

Hahaha. 

Time to enjoy my holiday.

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Isak Danielson - Power

I still look at you with eyes that want you
When you move, you make my oceans move too
If I hear my name, I will run your way
Can we say that we love each other
Can we play like there ain't no other
If I hear my name, I will run your way

It's my desire that you feed
You know just what I need
You got power, power
You got power over me
I give my all now, can't you see?
Why won't you set me free?
You got power, power
You got power over me

I was lost until I found me in you
I saw a side of me that I was scared to
But now I hear my name and I'm running your way
All I feel as I get closer to you
Is the desire to move like you do
So now I hear my name and I'm running your way

If you're ready now
If you're ready now
If you're ready now
I am ready now
If you're ready now
If you're ready now
If you're ready now
If you're ready now

It's my desire that you feed
You know just what I need
You got power, power
You got power over me
I give my all now, can't you see?
Why won't you set me free?
You got power, power
You got power over me

You're the one that seduced me
Lured me in with your beauty
Now I know that you used me
I'm ready now, I'm ready now
All you did was confuse me
You're no longer what I need
Touch me slow, feel my heart bleed
I'm ready now, I'm ready now

Haven

 Page 1506

Well, been starting to eat solid foods again.

Slowly, and in tiny pieces.

Swelling & pain's gone down significantly too.

That's good enough. For now. Hah.

Spent the day with my partner.

Just like every Sunday.

In our own little safe haven.

Haha even though it was painful to laugh or talk, I had such a great time.

Thank you for taking care of me.

I'm so lucky to have you in my life. :)

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Novo Amor - Haven

I'll be late, but I could make it all up to you
And I'll count down the days, don't say that you wouldn't too
'Cause I heard the rain, as I felt you coming loose
And I heard my name, and it broke my head in two

I'll celebrate on the day that I get the news
And I'll count down the ways, I'll be wishing that I was you
But I can't correlate the way you move
So I'll stay half awake, and I'll guess that it'll do

IT HURTS!

 Page 1505

Here's my wisdom tooth extraction experience.

I arrived at the hospital on time, the gloomy weather looming above me.

Went up to the Dental floor, registered and just waited for my time.

Nervous.

Hah, it wasn't sinking in until now.

I was told to wait at a bench outside the room.

I tapped my umbrella.

Crossed legs. Changed legs. Sat upright.

Anxious.

People walked past every minute.

I was opposite two rooms, with a small window, where I peeked in.

There were dentists performing surgeries.

I gulped.

Ah well. It's coming.

The doctor finally came.

Went through again about my procedure.

I had two teeth overlapping each other. 

Previously I told her to just take out the top one.

She wanted to try reach the 2nd one. Maybe just the tip of it.

I told her, sure. Go ahead. You know what's best for me.

'It will confirm swell.'

I gulped, and her assistant smiled and nodded.

She prepped me up, and I got on the chair.

It lowered down.

She placed blankets and sterile sheets on my body, including my eyes.

And left a hole for the mouth.

The light was bright, but I closed my eyes throughout.

The Dr came back, and immediately started.

'I'm gonna give you some analgesia', she injected.

I felt the needle in my mouth & squirmed a bit. And then the numbness set in.

Numbing gel was applied on my lips.

The next thing I knew, she was working on my teeth.

'That was fast' I panicked.

'But Oh fuck, here we go man.'

My whole right jaw was numb and I could not feel a thing.

As I felt them cutting and trying to lodge the first tooth out.

The noise of the machine used was so loud. Pretty terrifying. But I just closed my eyes. And clenched my fists.

The pressure was intense. And I felt that the Dr was really struggling at some point. Haha.

Reasons why I felt I didn't want an elderly female Dr to do my op. But hey, she was one of the most experienced ones.

So I had to put some faith, yea?

After a lot of sawing and cutting, I finally felt threads being sutured in my mouth.

'Phew, it was ending.'

They finally concluded, placed a gauze in my mouth, and I got up.

The Dr: 'Here's your teeth, I'm gonna dispose them'

She showed me my bloody teeth that was on a tray.

😐😐😐

'Are you feeling ok?' the assistant asked.

'🙂 Mhhm.'

She laughed.

I took my belongings, went out.

Had my vitals taken. 

Watched a dental self-care video.

Then headed to the pharmacy for my painkillers.

When I got back, it was already 7+.

Oh and I forgot to mention, I was fasting all this while.

Hahaha.

Got home, settled down, and tried to drink water.

Only a few sips.

The aching was setting in.

The analgesia was wearing off.

By 9pm I was in a lot of pain. 

Took all the painkillers and Panadol I could find.

Holyyyy.

I haven't been in this much pain in forever.

So much that I could not distract myself.

Put my laptop down and just lied down.

Dozed off a bit, and felt better around 11.

Around 12, it started bleeding. Non-stop.

It even flowed a bit on my shirt. 

Shit.

I was quite scared hah, but I just stuffed as much gauze as I could.

Even slept with it.

Didn't sleep well.

In the morning, the bleeding stopped.

I felt much better.

And the pain was less.

That's what matters most.

But the worst part is.. I have to go through this twice.

Hahaha yeah, another teeth out next Thursday.

Mum cooked porridge. 

And I happily & slowly enjoyed it.

At least I can chew a bit today.

My face is currently as swollen as a pufferfish.

Slightly uncomfortable, but I know it'll get better after today.

Right. Cheers. Gonna rest up.

🤍

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: San Holo - IT HURTS!

I still can't find the right words
The only thing that I've learned
It's only real when it hurts
It's only real when it hurts

It hurts
It hurts
It hurts

It hurts

I still can't find the right words
The only thing that I've learned
It's only real when it hurts
It's only real when it hurts
Yeah!

I still can't find the right words
The only thing that I've learned
It's only real when it hurts
It's only real when it hurts

It hurts
It hurts
It hurts

It hurts

The Darkness

 Page 1504

You're never truly alone.

I'm glad I got to see you today, despite missing you over the weekends.

I'm glad you seem yourself again.

And that we got to share our vulnerability together.

Even if it's for just a short moment.

That's the best part of being in a relationship.

Sharing vulnerable parts of yourself with the one you love.

And breaking out of that.. darkness.

We'll be okay. 🤍

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Josin - The Darkness

Come back, come, your love

It ain't just pale

[Verse 1]

Crowding ourselves, upwards, down and never-wards

But we fall to keep cold, wicked sins

Just spinning out our perfect lives

Ever in search, I could just not exaggerate

For all I could turn, I'm nothing at all, I'm nothing at all

[Refrain]

And I was guessing, are you my waiting?

Yes, I've been drowned in darkness, too

But here's my inside

[Verse 2]

Come, cry your heart out

It's just your flesh that's aching

It's just your flesh that's aching

Come back, come, your love

It ain't just pale

It ain't just pale

[Refrain]

Yes, I've been drowned in darkness, too

But here's my inside

Yes, I've been drowned in darkness, too

But here's my inside