Things have gotten a little less chaotic these days.
Well, not so at work. (Cant wait for it to subside, ugh)
But at least in other aspects.
My dad's been recovering since getting admitted to ICU, and is currently resting in a general ward.
He's been doing PT everyday, not relying on oxygen at the moment and just waiting for some follow up scans.
It's not completely over, but I'm thankful.
At least I can breathe a bit now. :)
Been going through some existential crisis lately as well.
I feel that I'm missing out work wise, because I'm not working in a restructured hospital.
Well, we'll see how it goes.
Next year could be a turning point.
In the meantime, I'm gonna keep my head low and just work. :>
Love, Eran.
Current Song Mood: Maggie Rogers - Horses
Watch you go Cross the street Like a dream Out my window Sucking nicotine down my throat Thinking of you giving head
You said You wondered 'bout the world Well I have since I was a little girl Watching white birds graze the hedge
Took me all this long to figure out It's not worth it if I can't touch the ground Can't believe I let it turn me 'round Turn me onto you
I see horses running wild, I wish I could feel like that for just a minute Would you come with me or would you resist? Oh, could you just give in? I see horses and I know there's a way I hear thunder, oh and I start to break Would you come with me or would you resist? Oh, could you just give in?
I believe in you But the truth about dreams Is they're a feeling that meets you in between What you want and what you really need
Took me all this long to figure out It's not worth it if I can't touch the ground Can't believe I let you turn me 'round Waiting up for you
I see horses running wild, I wish I could feel like that for just a minute Would you come with me or would you resist? Oh, could you just give in? I see horses and I know there's a way I hear thunder, oh and I start to break Would you come with me or would you resist? Oh, could you just give in?
I can't wait up for you today I'm leaving Are you coming with me? Can't hold me back Can't hold me back I'm going, I'm going, I'm going, I'm going away
I see horses running wild, I wish I could feel like that for just a minute Would you come with me or would you resist? Oh, could you just give in? I see horses and I know there's a way I hear thunder, oh and I start to break Would you come with me or would you resist? Oh, could you just give in?
Oh, could you just give in? Give in, give in, give in, give in
My dad landed in ICU a week ago, and he's still there right now.
Things look pretty borderline.
I... I dont know what's going to happen.
But yet, I'm thankful.
Thankful I caught it on early.
Thankful for all the support I have from my close friends.
Thankful I about all the concerned family & relatives.
I have to be strong.
Love, Eran.
Current Song Mood: Ry X - Borderline
Fall into the night, bodies swaying Hold onto the silence, mine is heavy The hardest part, want you to stay Feel you breathing, are you ready?
I, I can take you there I can take you there Through the dark, to the borderline I can take you there I can take you there Through my heart, to the borderline
Reach for me, call my name Leave me here in this higher plane This higher plane
I, I can take you there I can take you there Through the dark, to the borderline I can take you there I can take you there Through my heart, to the borderline
Borderline Through my heart, to the borderline Borderline Through my heart, to the borderline
Had so much gatherings, catch ups with friends etc.
But oh well, its a whole new month.
Here's what happened last month:
------ Got myself an Iphone 13 Pro Max. Ahahah. Hopefully this would inspire me to take more shots and videos. I'm grateful to even be able to afford it.
------- My close Buddy got married and I helped out a bit for the wedding.
It's an honour to be a part of his journey and watch him be where he is :)
We've come such a long way.
It was also nice to catch up with my army mates and officers haha. It felt like nothing had changed. Truly. I wish them all the best in their endeavours.
------Watched a play by another childhood friend. It took me back to 4-5 years ago when we would go to plays and support each other. I missed that so much. Those carefree days..
Work has been taking a toll on my mental health lately.
But I'm still fighting my way through day by day.
We'll see where it goes from here...
I'm a bit lonely now, but I'll get used to it.
For now, I'm thankful for my partner, my job and a roof over my head, falling back on me. 😊
Love, Eran.
Current Song Mood: Drake - Falling Back
Ayy, yo Ayy, ayy Oh
Finding myself Showing myself Finding a way to stay outta the way Holding me back Supposed to come right back Guardin' myself while I'm all on display I know you know all about it I know, deep down, you feel the same I know you know how I feel I know you know how I feel How do I, how do I feel? How do I feel? How do you say to my face, "Time heals"? Then go and leave me again, unreal I see us fadin' away I'm still holdin' my breath for the day that you will See that the effort I make is too real How can you say that you know how I feel? Ayy, whee How can you say you know what I'm feeling? Wait Know what I'm feeling, wait You don't feel nothing, wait Nothing is healing, wait Time is just killing, wait How can you say? Wait You know what I'm feeling, wait You know what I'm feeling, wait You don't feel nothing, wait Time isn't healing, wait Time is revealing, wait How are you feeling? Wait You don't feel nothing
Me Me
Just like I expected, falling back on me Falling with I, falling back on me Falling back on me, falling back on me Falling back on me, falling back on me Falling back on me, falling back on me Falling back on me, falling back on me Falling back on me, falling back on me Falling back on me Falling back on me, falling back on me Falling back on me, falling back on me Falling back on me, falling back on me Falling back on me, falling back on me What would you do without me? What would you do without me? I think you would lose everything Fallin' back on me
Recently I had an open house for Raya for all my relatives.
There was so much to do - At least my Mum had me and my 2nd Brother to help out.
And we were pretty fast workers haha.
I havent seen my relatives for 2 years and of course, I had bad anxiety and was triggered throughout the day.
But hey, it turned out better than I expected.
One of my cousins even gave me a big hug and screamed my name. Hahaha. Weirdo.
We had so much to catch up. And we talked about bands and music.
Man, it made me feel young again.
My other close cousins came in and out of the room, and we had so much to talk about.
Horror stories from when we were young.
About not getting married too fast.
And we joked about every single thing. Hahaha. I missed this. Gathering around and just.. talking.
These days I'm having a certain kind of hurt in my heart.
One I'd rather much bury inside and let it kill me.
I guess it's just the foundations of decay.
I just blast MCR and pretend I'm screaming in my head.
Thank God for Emo music.
Love, Eran.
Curent Song Mood: My Chemical Romance - The Foundations of Decay
See the man who stands upon the hill He dreams of all the battles won But fate had left its scars upon his face With all the damage they had done
And so time, with age He turns the page Let the flesh Submit itself to gravity
Let our bodies lay While our hearts will stay Let our blood in vein Feel forgotten pain, now If your convictions were a passing phase May your ashes feed the river in the morning rays And as the vermin crawls We lay in the foundations of decay
He was there, the day the towers fell And so he wandered down the road And we would all build towers of our own Only to watch the rooms corrode
But it's much too late You're in the race So we'll press And press 'til you can't take it anymore
Let our bodies lay While our hearts will stay Let our blood in vein Feel forgotten pain And if by his own hand his spirit flies Take his body as a relic to be canonized, now And so he gets to die a saint But she will always be the whore
(Let's flip out)
Against faith (Antihero) Against all life (As if it must be pure) Against change (We wander through the ruins) We are free (The guiltiness is yours)
You must fix your heart And you must build an altar where it rests When the storm decays and the sky it rains Let it flood, let it flood, let it wash away And as we stumble through your last crusade When you welcome your extinction in the morning rays And as the swarming calls, we lay in the foundations
Yes, it comforts me much more Yes, it comforts me much more To lay in the foundations of decay
So… I didn’t turn up to my family’s gathering today at my aunt’s.
Everyone was there I supposed. My relatives. My cousins.
I do miss some of them. It’s been 2 years.
But I just couldn’t do it.
So I opted to work today. Hah. Why am I like this? Though its a rather good excuse right? Even though my workplace is like 5 mins away from my aunt’s. I just won’t. I don’t feel like it.
I guess I’m still feeling a bit jaded from some people who commented on my weight gain the past few years.
I’ve always felt that people were gonna constantly judge me. Which is why I shy away from all these gatherings these days.
I’d rather not let myself go through the anxiety and hurt.
And escape all of the nosy questions of - how is work/ when are you gonna get a gf/get married. Blah blah. Lol.
It's very redundant. I'd rather make peace with myself and distance myself from all of that. I guess it’s part of the reason why I wanted to disappear the start of the year.
But I do feel that I am getting better. So I’m just gonna do me, my own way.
No, I’m not arrogant. I just have social anxiety.
(:
Love, Eran.
Current Song Mood: Orla Gartland - Why Am I Like This?
Last night I smoked a cigarette My dad would have been so upset Then we got tattoos by the coast And I just stood there like a ghost
Maybe I'm an old soul trapped in a young body Maybe you don't really want me there at your birthday party I'll be there in the corner, thinking right over Every single word of the conversation we just had
So why am I like this? Why am I like this? Why am I like this? Why am I? Why am I like this? Why am I like this? Why am I like this? Why am I? Why am I like this? Why am I like this? Why am I like this? Why am I? Why am I like this?
I saw a girl crying on the train Gin and tonic from a can to ease the pain And I never asked if she was okay She just got up and walked away
Oh, it's like I'm looking down from the ceiling above Never in the moment, never giving enough Let's go out and shout the words we never said I got my mistakes on loop inside my head Inside my head
So why am I like this? Why am I like this? Why am I like this? Why am I? Why am I like this? Why am I like this? Why am I like this? Why am I? Why am I like this? Why am I like this? Why am I like this? Why am I? Why am I like this? Why am I like this? Why am I like this? Why am I?
Why am I like this? Why am I like this? Why am I like this? Why am I? Why am I like this? Why am I like this? Why am I like this? Why am I? Why am I like this? Why am I like this? Why am I like this? Why am I? Why am I like this?
(Maybe I'm an old soul trapped) Why am I like this? Why am I like this? Why am I like this? Why am I? (Maybe you don't really want me here) Why am I like this? Why am I like this? Why am I like this? Why am I? (Maybe I'm an old soul trapped) Why am I like this? Why am I like this? Why am I like this? Why am I? (Maybe you don't really want me here) Why am I like this?
Maybe I'm an old soul trapped in a young body Maybe you don't really want me there at your birthday party I'll be there in the corner, thinking right over Every single word of the conversation we just had
Everyone shut up, I'm obsessed with this cute series. :(
I...
I feel so represented.
Charlie Spring is me.
And everything I dreamt of growing up.
He's shy. Innocent. Apologetic. Cuddly. And so, so loving. He must be protected at all costs.
This series made me smile & squeal every episode. There were so many moments that made me feel warm and fuzzy inside. Like falling in love for the first time.
A love so pure & uplifting.
No sex, drugs or swearing. Things that have been polluting us too much.
It was such a breath of fresh air.
A queer love finally being put in a positive light.
There is hope after all.
I wish this show was out when I was younger & figuring things out.
My younger self would've really appreciated it.
I appreciated them showing Nick coming to terms with his sexuality.
Also of Tao putting his friends first, and overreacting over every small thing that threatened their friendship.
Things like this are so relatable as a coming of age teen. Even as a young adult today, I still relate.
