The Letter

Page 400

Dear B,

It's been 2 months. I've been trying my best to avoid everything.. Well, because I guess I wanted to be more private about it. And maybe not even thing about it. It's been so tough. Handling things on my own. Keeping it to myself. I've been so, so lonely. I'm don't even know why writing this letter. 

I know.

You probably don't even care by now.

You've probably moved on.

Heck, You probably won't even be read this. It doesn't matter.

You know me... I need to say what's on my mind.

There's this constant need to always express myself & my thoughts.

I can't help but wonder each day..

Do you hate me?

Was it me all along?

What if I hadn't said all those things.. would it have turned out different?

Would we still be talking?

Do you miss.. Us?

I do.

Maybe..

Maybe I'm too much to manage.

Maybe I didn't deserve you.

Or maybe it's the other way round too.

We're two completely different souls now.

Sometimes I can't help but wonder. 

How are you now? Are you happier?

I could be out there still, trying to get you back in every way I could. You know I would.

But no, that would be a foolish thing to do.

And I, am tired of being a fool.

Thinking all this while, that I was in a real relationship.

I never regretted anything.. I guess.

All the special moments keep replaying in my head.

I just hope you're in a better place now.

I hope for the best for you.

Just one last thing.

Never Forget.

Love, Eran.

Don't forget me.

Current Song Mood: Kehlani - The Letter

I can hear your laugh
It's ringing through the hallways
I can see your smile
It's what gets me through my hard days
And your words was suppose to get me through my heartache, before my heartbreak
There's an emptiness that only few ever fill
And I somehow missed the meaning of love that is real
And it compliments my scars that will never heal

[Chorus:]
Maybe I didn't deserve you
Maybe I just couldn't cure you
They told me that I didn't hurt you
Why do I feel like I turned you?
Maybe I don't understand it
Tell me is this how you planned it?
Did you see us so stranded
Maybe I'm to much too manage

[Verse 2:]
And if you weren't gonna guide me
Why bring me into the light?
Must have done something to make you want to run and hide
Why oh why didn't you just live your life?
And every girl needs a mother
And damn it I needed you
Instead you duck for cover
And you ran from the truth
And like kids do
You waited around for proof

[Chorus]

Maybe I didn't deserve you...

The Rain

Page 399

It's pouring hard as i'm typing this right now.

Packing up for later. Time flies so fast. 

It's been a nice couple of days. I guess I've spent them well.

I'm so done with this.. community. People are so obnoxious. Ugh.

Whatever, I'm just being myself.

And I won't apologize for that.

Got introduced to this sweet song today.

Fits the mood perfectly.

And the rain.

I've given all my love to you.

What do I have left?

Love, Eran.

Wont you stay with me?

Current Song Mood: Oh Wonder - The Rain

Ever since the rain I’ve been waking on my ownLeft an empty space in a home we built to grow
Watching waves at night I fell into the blue
I guess I lost the light, now I’ve given all my love to you

I’ve given all my love to you
I’ve given all my love to you
I’ve given all my love to you
I’ve given all my, given all my love to you, you

Ever since the rain I’ve been living days too slow
Lie around and wait for a heart I used to know
They say that over time there’ll be nothing left to lose
But I still can’t find the light, I’ve given all my love to you

I’ve given all my love to you
I’ve given all my love to you
I’ve given all my love to you
I’ve given all my, given all my love to you, You
[x2]

In the night when I’m dreaming
Oh I know your body’s next to mine
In the dark I can feel it
Don’t you tell me I’m dreaming

Won’t you stay with me?
[x4]

I’ve given all my love to you
I’ve given all my love to you
I’ve given all my love to you
I’ve given all my, given all my love to you, You
[x2]

I Am

Page 398

So tired. Met up with 2 of my makchicks today hehe, Ida and Syah. It's been a while... and we're all pretty much the same hehe.

Had supper with Ida at BP then headed to CCK to meet Syah. We lepak-ed at her place and started the heart to heart discussions.

I really let everything out.

It felt damn good.

After all this time. I finally realised.. I had nothing to lose.

I've been wasting precious time with the wrong person all this while.

I feel highly empowered tonight.

I'll care for the people who give an actual fuck about me.

I'll love those who deserve my love.

I'll continue doing what I love.

I'll become who I'm supposed to be.

I'll be somebody greater than him.

I'll be someone greater than he WILL EVER BE.

This is who I'll become.

This is who I AM.

Love, Eran.

And you can't take that away from me.

Current Song Mood: Leona Lewis - I Am

I thought the moment I was leaving
Barely breathing
Fall to pieces, couldn't face this
Why would I be leaving?
I was believing
It's you and me against the world

Not saying I was afraid of you
Won't put the blame on you
But I won't change for you
Just when you thought you dropped me
I gotta drop the news, I'm still existing
I'm still here

I am with or without you
I am breathing without you
I am somebody without you
I am, I am
I am free without you
I am stronger without you
Thought I would never rise again
But I am, I am

First steps that I was making
On this new planet
Never done, found all I wanted
The world was so forgiving
Open-hearted
Warm and loving, amazing

I never once regretted it
And I'll break my bread
I'm revealed again
All of the mistakes that I made
Finally led the way
To a better place

I am with or without you
I am breathing without you
I am somebody without you
I am, I am
I am free without you
I am stronger without you
Thought I would never rise again
But I am, I am

First my remedy, now my poison
Won't get down to love until I'm afraid to live
Oh yeah

I am with or without you
I am stronger without you
Thought I would never rise again
But I am, I am

Ooh yeah
I am me
Ohhhh

Confident

Page 397

Wow what a day! Went to YX's POP Parade in the morning hehehe.

Met up with Tomei who was late as usual (duhhhhh) ahahaha.

We took the train to Bugis and met up with Lily.. who was super cranky cause she just finished night shift. I know how she feels haha.

Took the train to the Stadium and caught up a little along the way.

We rushed to meet Prem who was giving us the look for being late hahaha.. Sorry Prem! Malays. ._.

Managed to work our way through the gates and got ourselves some seats. I had chills watching everything because I'll be going through it soon.. Hahaha met up with YX and they all kept teasing me :(((((((

Hahahaha idiots. Met up with a lot of familiar faces, then we took the train home.

Rested for a while at home then went out again in the evening to meet Buddy.

We were basking at Somerset today hehe. It's a totally new experience for me! And I was really nervous at first. But the passion started coming through and I started enjoying it. There were cute small kids who would stop by just to watch us in awe hahaha. It was an overall an interesting & fun experience for me.

Then at night, Buddy invited me to his hip hop event at Bugis. Took the cab and when we reached, I saw a lot of Malay dudes hahaha. Like those hip hop, rowdy type. I was uncomfortable at first because I was new to this scene. But wow,  I  ended up so impressed. The local music I heard today was really different from what I expected. The acoustic sets.. were hella amazing. I was grooving and vibing and cheering at them because they were so fantastic. So much swag & confidence hahaha I barely have all of that.

Guess it's time for me to buck up and be more confident in myself. That's something I've always been lacking.

Gonna head to bed now, have a good night! xx

Love, Eran

Current Song Mood: Demi Lovato - Confident

Are you ready?

It's time for me to take it
I'm the boss right now
Not gonna fake it
Not when you go down
Cause this is my game
And you better come to play

I used to hold my freak back
Now I'm letting go
I make my own choice
Yeah I run this show
So leave the lights on
No, you can't make me behave

So you say I'm complicated
That I must be outta my mind
But you had me underrated
Rated, rated, rated

What's wrong with being, what's wrong with being
What's wrong with being confident? 
What's wrong with being, what's wrong with being
What's wrong with being confident? 

It's time to get the chains out
Is your tongue tied up?
Cause this is my ground
And I'm dangerous
And you can get out
But it's all about me tonight

So you say I'm complicated
That I must be outta my mind
But you had me underrated
Rated, rated, rated

What's wrong with being, what's wrong with being
What's wrong with being confident? 
What's wrong with being, what's wrong with being
What's wrong with being confident? 
What's wrong with being, what's wrong with being
What's wrong with being confident? 
What's wrong with being, what's wrong with being
What's wrong with being confident? 

So you say I'm complicated
That I must be outta my mind
But you've had me underrated

What's wrong with being, what's wrong with being
What's wrong with being confident? 
What's wrong with being, what's wrong with being
What's wrong with being confident? 
What's wrong with being, what's wrong with being
What's wrong with being confident? 
What's wrong with being, what's wrong with being
What's wrong with being confident?

Be Alright

Page 396

Had a greaaaat day out today!

Haha met up with my section mates, and we went to NEX to play LAN.

Hahaha tbh I've never went anywhere just to play games before when I could do it in the comfort of home. But this was a good time for us to go out and bond. :)

Pretty fun shiz. Totally slayed L4D. Ok maybe I got owned as usual (le sigh).

We decided to part ways after playing for 2 hours, but some of us stayed to have chat & dinner. Someone was driving anyways *winkz*

Went to Thompson Road for dinner and had the biggest murtabak in my whole life hahaha. Lucky there were 5 of us to finish it in less than 5 mins LOL.

We decided it wasn't enough and ordered one more... ._.

My gosh, what hungry creatures we've become. Hahaha they wanted to eat more but we decided not to overdo our tummies and waste our trainings lmao. We parted ways home, and now here I am feeling damn sleepy.

I'm so super duper nervous & excited tomorrow.

It's my first time...

Everything will be alright.

I'd like to believe that.

Love, Eran.

It'll be alright.

I hope.

Current Song Mood: Kehlani - Be Alright

[Verse 1:]
There's always been those times when I needed a breather
When I might need a quick break from being the leader
Cause I'm just human, you gotta feel that
We're all just here to learn and everyday we are put up to bat
If you feeling down, no you ain't alone
And if you feeling all confused, no you are not on your own
Don't stress
Yeah we're too blessed

[Pre-Chorus:]
Someone once told me babe when the tide is high, you just get low
Hold your breath and take it slow
Yes I might get wet
I might get thrown
But I'll resurface all on my own

[Chorus:]
I'll be alright, be alright
Just go with the tide
I'll be alright, be alright
I'll be doing fine
Be alright, be alright
Just go with the tide

[Verse 2:]
I always have those days when I feel unworthy
When I sit back and ask God why he chose me
Cause I'm just human, just like you are
We see the same ol' sky, at night we see the same stars
So if you feeling down, no you not alone
And if you feeling all confused, no you are not on your own
Don't trip
Baby just live

[Pre-Chorus]

[Chorus]

Wonderful

Page 395

Hey.

:)

It's been a wonderful week.

I guess effort really does pay off.

There are special things falling into place.

Things that keep me occupied.

And I feel so weird but satisfied.

First of all, I get to enjoy my block leave this week. Yaaaaas to longer weekends to rest!

Been training hard, & managed to score a Silver (never thought I could do it) in my physical test today.

I guess that's something to be proud of?? Haha. Hoping to maintain and improve on my fitness.

It's been something that I've been lacking.

Also, yesterday and the day before.. I've been sitting down with my bunkmates, singing to a song that I wrote..

All I can say is that they really liked it. It's really personal to me. And I hope to share it one day.

I'm determined to and I promise I will.

..

And let me just say this...

The flashbacks never stopped.

It's harder than it seems but.. I guess I'm used to it.

Just popping in my mind at random times.

It gets to me. And I try not to let it.

Sometimes I wonder... Wasn't it kind of wonderful?

.. us?

Don't you feel so too?

..

I guess I'll never know.

Love, Eran.

Wasn't it?

Current Song Mood: Lianne La Havas - Wonderful

Did the world get a little bit colder
Not wiser just a little bit older
So slow that we're bound to fall over, oh

Did the heart grow a little bit harder
Too much, too late, too far, too gone

But wasn't it kind of wonderful
Wasn't it kind of wonderful, baby
Wasn't it kind of wonderful, baby
Wasn't it kind of wonderful, wonderful

You can trip, flick a switch like a thief
Break the circuit between us
But electricity lingers
In our fingers

Oh you can burn every fuse and refuse
Turn your positive minus
Electricity lingers
In our fingers

From here there's nothing but horizon
Near dawn, I'm searching for the sunrise
Remember when you put the stars into my eyes, oh

Wasn't it kind of wonderful
Wasn't it kind of wonderful, baby
Wasn't it kind of wonderful, wonderful

You can trip, flick a switch like a thief
Break the circuit between us
But electricity lingers
In our fingers

Oh you can burn every fuse and refuse
Turn your positive minus
Electricity lingers
In our fingers

Wasn't it kind of wonderful
Wasn't it kind of wonderful, baby
Wasn't it kind of wonderful, wonderful

Wasn't it kind of wonderful
Wasn't it kind of wonderful, baby
Wasn't it kind of wonderful, wonderful

DKLA

Page 394

Lazy hazy Sunday.

Didnt even go out this week haha. Been recording, watching tv shows, listening to new albums, & updating my laptop.

Productive? Maybe.

My thoughts are wrapped around my mind.

Kept busy.

By the countless names popping up on my phone.

But the truth is..

I can't do it.

I've been lost in my thoughts day & night.

What am I trying to prove to myself?

Or rather, who am I trying to prove?

It's been exactly a month. Exactly a month since you've cut all forms of contact from me.

How fast time has passed.. I've never been the same person since.

The nerve to do that, after everything.

After giving me so much to remember. After I've given so much.

When I close my eyes, I still see your ghost.

I still feel you.

I still care.

Sometimes I walk alone in a crowded area, and everything seems to be in slow motion.

Emptiness sinking hard.

The realisation that..

I don't keep love around.

Not anymore.

...

What do I do now?

...

Love, Eran.

Wish I could play back and press rewind..

This song gives me all the feels.

Current Song Mood: Troye Sivan Ft Tkay Maidza - DKLA

Wrapped my thoughts around your mind
Wrapped your body on my mind

Play it back and press rewind
To when you traced your fingers, drew my spine
Lost it's beat and so I find
Starve my heart of touch and time

So what do I do now?
I don't keep love around
So what do I do now?
I don't keep love around
What do I do now?
I don't keep love around, love around
Love around

When we tried it, we were a fire with no smoke
Rags to riches but I'm addicted to being broken
Take my breath away, you know I'm bound to choke
When I close my eyes. I still see your ghost

So what do I do now?
I don't keep love around
So what do I do now?
I don't keep love around
What do I do now?
I don't keep love around, love around
Love around

I don't keep love around
I don't keep love around
Ooh yeah, I don't keep love around
Love around
Love around

[Tkay Maidza:]
They can't stand, I handstand
I don't hold on right anymore
Pleased to meet you, I'm kinda' moved
But that last one was my antidote
Green eyes, become green times
But there is no first or a last chance
They're telling me to turn down
'Cause I'm so lit, recall flashdance?
Only A1, and I stay 1
And I'm counting for that day when
Residuals become imminent
'Cause failure is not pivotal
They just be asking the same
Try switch it up, I switch lanes
No love in this world, I'm still sane
Right? Because that's enough?
When the lights on
And you don't keep love

'Distance makes the heart grow fonder'
Said by someone stronger than me
So what do I do now?
Do now?
So what do I do now?
I don't keep love around anymore
I don't keep love around anymore
I don't keep, I don't keep
Love around

The Quiet

Page 393

Well.

My phone's been buzzing the whole day.

It might have felt good for a while.

There's just… something missing.

It isn't the same anymore.

Conversations are just.. not how they used to be.

People are.. different.

I'm different.

It's fucked up.

There's no saying to it.

Maybe I just can't start over.

I'd rather be spitting blood..

Than have this silence fuck me up.

I guess there's no other way.

Anything hurts less than the quiet.

Love, Eran.

Say anything..

Current Song Mood: Troye Sivan - The Quiet

Growing distance real explanations
We're getting deeper in this mess
Take careful contemplation
I'd rather be spitting blood
Than have this silence fuck me up

This separation, time and space between us
For some revelation
You didn't care to discuss
I'd rather be black and blue
Than accept that you withdrew

Aaah, just tell me
Say anything
Anything hurts less than the quiet
Just tell me
Say anything
Anything hurts less than the quiet

Used to give each other the world, every bit
Used to be the one you'd come to
When it'd all go to shit
Now I'm left here in the dust
With the taste of broken trust

And I don't wanna walk away
But you left me no choice
Only talking to myself here
Now you muffled your voice
I'd rather have broken bones
And feel myself turn to stone

Aaah, just tell me
Say anything
Anything hurts less than the quiet
Just tell me
Say anything
Anything hurts less than the quiet

I don't mind that I know that you're wrong
I don't mind that you think you're right
All I want is a fight to fight
Anything but quiet

Just tell me
Say anything
Anything hurts less than the quiet

Save My Soul

Page 392

Guess it's come to this.. huh.

Back to that old life.

Just me, myself and I.

I'm gonna take it slower now.

I'm gonna need more time.

Time.. is passing by real fast.

Looking back at pictures and seeing posts that were only a few weeks ago..

It still feels so recent.

Incredible to see how things have changed in just a matter of weeks.

But I guess I'm slowly moving on.

I've accepted this fate.

You're etched in me like stone.

No matter how hard I tried.

Everytime I think about it, I feel like I go back to square one.

I can't afford to let that happen.

I can't afford any relapse.

It's like an addiction.

No one can save me now.

No one can save me but myself.

Nothing more I can do to save my soul.

Love, Eran.

Lord I tried but I can't say no...

Current Song Mood: JoJo - Save My Soul

You got what you wanted
Didn't you?
Don't know where your heart is
But mine's bruised
You knew when you started
That I'd lose
The blood on the carpet
Is not you

I tried to wash the scars and marks from under my skin
But you're etched in me like stone

You can't save me (yeah, yeah)
You call it love, but you still hate me? (yeah, yeah)
Lord I try and I can't say no
You're the pain and the medicine
One taste and I'm numb again
You can't save me (yeah, yeah)
Lord I try and I can't say no

Oh lord, na, na, na, na, na, yeah
Oh lord, na, na, na, na, na, yeah
Oh lord, na, na, na, na, na, yeah
Ain't nothing I can do to save my soul
Oh lord, na, na, na, na, na, yeah
Oh lord, na, na, na, na, na, yeah
Oh lord, na, na, na, na, na, yeah

A moth to a candle
That's me to you
I was never this fragile
Or consumed
I'm covered in shrapnel
Through and through
And I wish I knew how to
Hate you

I try to wash the scars and marks from under my skin
But you're etched in me like stone

You can't save me (yeah, yeah)
You call it love, but you still hate me? (yeah, yeah)
Lord I try and I can't say no
You're the pain and the medicine
One taste and I'm numb again
You can't save me (yeah, yeah)
Lord I try and I can't say no

Oh lord, na, na, na, na, na, yeah
Oh lord, na, na, na, na, na, yeah
Oh lord, na, na, na, na, na, yeah
Ain't nothing I can do to save my soul
Oh lord, na, na, na, na, na, yeah
Oh lord, na, na, na, na, na, yeah
Oh lord, na, na, na, na, na, yeah

You've got your chains wrapped around me so tight
Give me enough just to keep me alive
I try to run but it hurts every time, I try
Lord I try and I can't say no
(Oh Lord)
Lord I try and I can't say no

Oh lord, na, na, na, na, na, yeah
Oh lord, na, na, na, na, na, yeah
Oh lord, na, na, na, na, na, yeah
Ain't nothing I can do to save my soul
Oh lord, na, na, na, na, na, yeah
Oh lord, na, na, na, na, na, yeah
Oh lord, na, na, na, na, na, yeah

You got what you wanted
Didn't you?