MODUS

 Page 1430

I am feeling better each day.

Slowly.

Part of me is still... scared.

Of the past.

Of the future.

& that is not within my control.

But right now, I am here.

I am present.

And that's all that matters. 

Currently spending my Monday morning with my partner.

At Starbucks.

Just chilling & doing work.

Having tea and cheesecake.

And appreciating all the little things.

This is.. nice.

I could get used to this.

❤️

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Joji - Modus 

Speed it up, slow it down
I need control, I need it now
I need to live a thousand times
I cannot stop, I cannot cry
I will not fret, I will not die
I am a machine, I stay alive
Sometimes I think, sometimes I think
Sometimes I think, sometimes I- oh
I've got no aim, a million rounds, it's nothing real
A hundred pounds of heavy steel, it feels so loud
Tied to my chest, it feels so loud
I'll take a peek to across the peaks
The grass is neat, I'm quite unique
But I'd like to be, but I'd like to be

And I hope this is the hardest part
We try, we try
And when they say they're satisfied
They're lying, they're lying
Do forgive me, I've seen the treasure's in the bloom
But right now I'm just not strong enough for you

Sorry, you can see it in my retina
Focus in and out, I'm doing better
Artificial ghost with no perception
I wanna be a Chevy, not a Sentra
I don't feel the way they programmed me to feel today
Some pieces falling from the waist up
I'm so sorry for delays
I just need one moment to erase that burning pain before the rage
I feel good, I feel good, I feel good

And I hope this is the hardest part
We try, we try
And when they say they're satisfied
They're lying, they're lying
Do forgive me, I've seen the treasure's in the bloom
But right now I'm just not strong enough for you
And I hope this is the hardest part
We try, we try
And when they say they're satisfied
They're lying, they're lying
Do forgive me, I've seen the treasure's in the bloom
But right now I'm just not strong enough for you

Genesis

 Page 1429

I've been taking some time for myself.

To heal & recover.

To come to terms with what has been happening lately.

Taking things.. slow.

Honestly, I still cant fathom it. 

But it's made me look at life at a different perspective.

The genesis of life.

My purpose.

Why I'm still... here.

The past few days, I've been trying to be myself again.

And it is all slowly coming back.

Sometimes it feels like there is something out there looking out for me.

Despite what I had went through.

I am thankful.

That I get another day.

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Ryan Beatty - Genesis

Basically an atheist, he's all that I believe in right now
The torch is out, I'm begging for the torture now
Half a stoner, practically an adolescent, insert here industrial sounds

Ever since Jerusalem, had a change of heart
You went back to genesis, found God
But not the one you were looking for
Not the one you were looking for
Not the one you were looking for
Am I the one you were looking for
Am I the one you were looking for

Erasing my intolerance to nicotine and you are quite the opposite
Lace it with what you offered me
Cured from the ivy
Roses on loan (seeing double)
Laid on a throne (peripheral)
This is on the radio, hold me tightly
Say your name out loud
That's faith, that's fate (now)

Ever since Jerusalem, had a change of heart
You went back to genesis, found God
But not the one you were looking for
Not the one you were looking for
Not the one you were looking for
Am I the one you were looking for
Am I the one you were looking for

Heavens in the room
Heavens in the room
Heavens in the room
Heavens in the room
Heavens in the room
Heavens in the room
Heaven made the rules

Heavens in the room
Heavens in the room (shine like light)
Heavens in the room
Heavens in the room (shine like light)
Heavens in the room
Heavens in the room
Heaven made the rules

Backseat

 Page 1428

Maybe one day..

There are some traumas I just cant talk bout.

My life seems to be full of it.

But whatever it is, I'll be calm.

It is just in my nature.

To.. be calm.

When others are a mess.

It was how I was brought up.

In a dysfunctional family.

One day, I'm a passenger at the backseat.

Next, I am taking the wheel.

And getting us to safety.

Survival instinct.

I underestimate myself.

I'm not sure how.

It will take some time for healing.

I am just grateful to still be here. ❤️💔

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Ryan Beatty - Backseat

Sometimes I watch you drive from the backseat and I let you have your way
Switch sides with me, I got you on the way home
And you can play the radio
Reminding me to tell you something
I can't remember what you said
See you looking out the window
I wonder what you think about

You would comb my hair
Never let me down
Always let the tears run out
I wonder what you'd tell me now
Cause I need a friend who could have my back
When the lightning comes and I catch on fire

Return to where we were on the weekend
And you pull up to my yard
From paper to vaporize, let the smoke out
I can feel it in my heart
Imagine if it wasn't magic
My back is on the bedroom floor
I like it when I hear you breathing
Reminds me that I'm not alone

All my idols dead, when I have no one
I look to you for advice
What to do with my life
Half of who I am isn't all my fault
So it feels good knowing that I got somebody

Honest

 Page 1427

Sorry if I am not myself these days.

It's been a rough time for my mental health.

I cant seem to sleep properly these days.

And I am having PTSD triggers now and then.

I'll daze out, imagining the worst. 

Because I'm scared.

Of things that might happen.

I am.. paranoid. 

To be honest.

At this point, I am afraid to wake up to dead bodies.

That is how paranoid I am.

Thank you for letting me get away for a while.

I know you tried your best.

I really appreciate it. 

Time passed really fast.

Thank you for letting me be honest.

It is not easy for me, to talk about my problems.

But I love you, so so much. 

Just for listening.

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Rei Brown - Honest 

[Verse 1]

I've been laying wide awake

I have something I have to say

I look at your face, and

I'm ready to cave in

No one I'm waiting

I'm driving the blade in

There's no easier way to explain

Make it all go away

I am to blame

I ain't ever, I ain't ever

[Chorus]

I ain't ever loved you if we're honest, honest

I ain't ever settled what we promised, promised

Thought you could be the one I wanted

But you're so far, far

[Verse 2]

You're not like me, you're too good

Still you want me, I knew you would

I thought it was love, cause

I was hooked like a drug, and

If that's not enough, yeah

I'm calling my bluff, no

I knew you would want me to stay

No, I'm walking away

Don't you wait

I ain't ever, I ain't ever

I ain't ever loved you if we're honest, honest

I ain't ever settled what we promised, promised

Thought you could be the one I wanted

But you're so far, far

[Chorus]

I ain't ever loved you if we're honest, honest

I ain't ever settled what we promised, promised

Thought you could be the one I wanted

But you're so far, far

Brother

 Page 1426

I don't know what to do.

What to feel.

Or how to react anymore.

I can't do anything right now....

Literally just staring in a daze.

With my puffy eyes.

And a sick feeling in my gut.

I have had too much.. trauma.

With my family.

And my dysfunctional brothers.

And I am just.. trapped.

Trapped in between of it all.

I cant .

Breathe.

Nobody should ever go through this.

Nobody should ever grow up in such a toxic household. 

25 years of my life. 

And I am just frankly tired of it all.

The worst part is seeing my Mum helpless and crying.

I've always hated that.

What can I do?

I am just a sponge.

I am just trying.. to stay strong.

Cause that's the only option I have.

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Ryan Beatty - Brother 

Speeding with no hesitation
Crushed up the pills that you had
Just like the matches you're burning
To see if it all falls down

Why do you leave yourself
Leave yourself
Leave yourself alone
Why don't you ask for help when you're needing someone
I'm giving everything to get to you
I'm knocking at your door
I'm knocking at your door
If only you would let me in

Brother you can lay your head
You can lay your head on my shoulder
I see that you, you try your best to be someone that you don't want to

You know, you know you can call on me
You know, you know

Why do you leave yourself
Leave yourself
Leave yourself alone
Why don't you ask for help when you're needing someone
I'm giving everything to get to you
I'm knocking at your door
I'm knocking at your door
If only you would let me in

You are so quiet
I wonder if you cry yourself to sleep
There is a light within your eyes
If only you could see

Kiss

 Page 1425

Time flies really fast,

When you're having fun.

Had another great weekend of rest and recovery.

All with my partner.

:)

Watched some pretty bad horror, reminisced about Melbourne, and just cuddled the Sunday away.

Thank you for showering me with kisses and food.

I'm the luckiest.

And I count my blessings, each day.

❤️

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: JoJo - Kiss

Feeling like it's about that time
I've been all alone lately
Nobody in my bed
No one calling me baby
Something about tonight
Makes me want some company
I've been keeping it on the low
But I look at you different
Curiosity, is there something that I'm missing
Something about tonight
Got these full moon feels for real

Maybe it's the retrograde got me going crazy
I don't wanna couple up but I'm bored lately
You know I'm down for you
If there's something we can do
Let me know

I just want to kiss you
Not looking for love
Know it's been a while since I had someone to touch
So come through
I'll push you to the edge
Playing with your head
Then we go back to being friends
Like ooh, mmm
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Kinda feels like love
But without the attachment
If all we do is touch
I'll be fine if there's passion
We walking on a line
And we better not cross it, no, no

Maybe it's the retrograde got me going crazy
I don't wanna couple up but I'm bored lately
You know I'm down for you
If there's something we can do
Let me know

I just want to kiss you
Not looking for love
Know it's been a while since I had someone to touch
So come through
I'll push you to the edge
Playing with your head
Then we go back to being friends

Wanna kiss you
Not looking for love
Know it's been a while since I had someone to touch
So come through
I'll push you to the edge
Playing with your head
Then we go back to being friends

To tell you the truth
It's not about you
I just need something brand new
It's not about you
Oooh, oooh, oooh, oooh

I just want to kiss you
Not looking for love
Know it's been a while since I had someone to touch
So come through
I'll push you to the edge
Playing with your head
Then we go back to being friends

Wanna kiss you
Not looking for love
Know it's been a while since I had someone to touch
So come through
I'll push you to the edge
Playing with your head
Then we go back to being friends like

Back to being friends like, yeah
Oooh, oooh, oooh, oooh

What U Need

 Page 1424 

Weekends at last.

At least, what's left of it.

All I'm looking forward to is being in my partner's arms tomorrow.

Work can be so hectic.

But I've tried my best in everything. 

Colleagues can get on my nerves too.

I know I'm the easiest person to talk to or confide in.

But I really don't have time or mental capacity to entertain all their problems and drama.

Hahaha.

Just tell me what U need.

And I'll try my best to help.

And then I'll be on my way.

Cause I will always, alwayyyys, draw boundaries between work and my personal life.

🤷🏻‍♂️

Bye.

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: JoJo - What U Need

Let me know, huh (Let me know)
Let me know, huh (Let me)
NOVA WAV
Let me know, huh (Let me know)
Let me know, huh

Boy, I'm really down, you can call on me like pronto
Know you owe me one, make me wait a long time homie
Down, down, can I count on you, tomorrow?
What's it hitting for? Are we still a go?
Lingerie cool but the oversized tee make you act a fool (Make you act a fool)
What you need? Tell me what you need
If you squeeze, boy, I got the juice
With a little bit of vodka, unpack your childhood traumas
Tell me what it is? Tell me what it ain't?
Tell me what, why we even bother?

Tell if you need space
'Cause I don't do shit half way
You're gonna lose me that way
Don't lose me that way

Tell me what you need, need
(Let me know, huh, let me know, let me know, huh, let me)
Tell me what you need, need
(Let me know, huh, let me know, let me know, huh, let me)
'Cause if it's love, I got that (Got that), got that, got that
(Let me know, huh, let me know)
I know all about that, 'bout that
(Let me know, huh, let)
Tell me what you need, need
(Let me know, huh, let me know, let me know, huh, let me)

Ayy
Surfin' on a wave, do you feel the same, same, same, bae?
Situations change, boy, I ain't got time to play these games, games
If you want the same, same, same things
Put a rush on it, make it andale
Baby show me somethin', baby show me somethin', baby, show me somethin'
I want you to take the lead, give me your emotions
Don't just tell me anything, anything
Anything to keep me coming back to you

Can't keep chasing your train (Chasing your train)
Can't keep sipping your drink (Sipping your drink)
You're gonna lose me that way
Don't lose me that way

Tell me what you need, need
(Let me know, huh, let me know, let me know, huh, let me)
Tell me what you need, need (Need)
(Let me know, huh, let me know, let me know, huh, let me)
'Cause if it's love, I got that (Got that), got that, got that (You know I got that)
(Let me know, huh, let me know)
I know all about that, 'bout that
(Let me know, huh, let)
Tell me what you need, need
(Let me know, huh, let me know, let me know, huh, let me)

Ayy
He say I got a goddess complex
But it's facts no flex
Turn PM to the AM, we laid out but we get no rest (No rest)
Great head, low stress (Uh)
Come and get blessed
You all in your feels now, baby, say that shit with your chest (Ayy)
I know that you love my ass
There's more to grab, I've been cookin'
Catch me by the oven, doing lunges, whippin' up goodness
Plant-based, all vegetables
My taste is impeccable
Sex make you confessional lil' baby (Baby)

Tell me what you need
Tell me what you need
What you really, really need from me
Yeah, tell me what you need

Tell me what you need, need
(Let me know, huh, let me know, let me know, huh, let me)
Tell me what you need, need (Yeah, tell me what you need, yeah)
(Let me know, huh, let me know, let me know, huh, let me) (Oh)
'Cause if it's love, I got that (Got that), got that, got that
(Let me know, huh, let me know)
I know all about that, 'bout that
(Let me know, huh, let) (Bae, tell me what you need)
Tell me what you need, need (You need from me)
(Let me know, huh, let me know, let me know, huh, let me) (Ah, yeah)

Tearing Me Up

 Page 1423

It already feels like a stressful week ahead.

With audits, and such coming my way.

Trying not to get my anxiety get to me.

Or let it tear me up.

I cant let it.

It will be okay. 

Deep breaths.

One day at a time.

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Bob Moses - Tearing Me Up

Let me tell you about a little situation
It's been testing my patience, man, she was keeping me up all night
Cause you only get so far reading faces
We were off to the races and I thought to myself hold tight
You see there was just this one complication
She was already taken and what was so wrong felt so right
She said no need to be looking over your shoulder
When you could just come over and we can work this out just fine

I don't know what you want from me
So careless in your company
I will follow what you say is true
There'll be no getting over you
So we're now playing by your rules
If you're a joker then I'm a fool
I guess there's no catching up to you

If you don't want my affection
Don't lie, you're tearing me up
Cause you've got all my attention
I won't lie, you're tearing me up
I'm trying to tell your intention
When you lie, you're tearing me up
If you don't want my affection
You won't mind, you're tearing me up

It all started with a simple conversation
It was on the weekend and she was talking me up all night
Kept asking if I was only faking
She was there for the taking
Showing me that she was all mine
She told me she lived just around the corner
I wanted to know her, yeah, she was making me lose my mind
I didn't know quite what I was chasing
She had my heart racing
And all between it was just one night

I don't know what you want from me
So careless in your company
I will follow what you say is true
There'll be no getting over you
So we're now playing by your rules
If you're a joker then I'm a fool
I guess there's no catching up to you

If you don't want my affection
Don't lie, you're tearing me up
Cause you've got all my attention
I won't lie, you're tearing me up
I'm trying to tell your intention
When you lie, you're tearing me up
If you don't want my affection
You won't mind, you're tearing me up

I don't know what you want from me
So careless in your company
I will follow what you say is true
There'll be no getting over you
So we're now playing by your rules
If you're a joker then I'm a fool
I guess there's no catching up to you

If you don't want my affection
Don't lie, you're tearing me up
Cause you've got all my attention
I won't lie, you're tearing me up
I'm trying to tell your intention
When you lie, you're tearing me up
If you don't want my affection
You won't mind, you're tearing me up

Dark Circles

 Page 1421

Happy Monthsary.

Always a joy to spend my time with you.

☺️

Today was a lazy day.

After all that walking yesterday.

Just staying in. Eating and watching movies hahaha.

The Owners & Mulan.

Both were pretty.. weird?

The Owners reminded me of 'Don't Breathe'. But that show was better.

This had elderly folks that were just... eerie.

Mulan on the other hand.

Was a mess to be honest hahahah.

I mean.

I get it's for Disney. But it could've been so much more.

There was no singing or Mushu in this one.

And the lack of build & connection with the characters. 🤷🏻‍♂️

Listened to Violet Benson's podcast w/ JoJo at night.

Honestly it was pretty personal. Maybe a little too personal hahaha.

The host was pretty.. wild.

Uh yeah.

But there were also a lot of good points shared.

And I've always loved listening to JoJo speak her thoughts.

It is like therapy.

Summed up the day with cuddles.

Just wanna appreciate you.

For brightening up all the dark circles in my life.

It'll be a long week without you.

But we'll get through this. 💋

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Ryan Beatty - Dark Circles

Match me
When I tell you things
That no one knows about me
What keeps me up at night
What keeps you in my life

I left you
At a time when you were tryna get your life back
I'll probably end up somewhere in the limelight
What keeps me up at night
What keeps you in my life

I swear, if I could give you up, I would erase you
Get you out of my mind
It's all I think about
Let you go somewhere else
Try to let go, but I can't help

Alone in the clothes you let me borrow when the rain came
I'm laying down, and I can't help but daydream
Who do you idolize now?
Do you ever think about me?

Think about me
Think about me
Think about me

I don't have the bones to be free
I believe in love when he
Confesses himself inside me
I don't have the bones to be free
I believe in love when he
Confesses himself inside me

I think forever is too long
What does it mean to be loyal?
I put your jacket on
To make me feel important

I think forever is too long
What does it mean to be loyal?
I put your jacket on
To make me feel important

Never wanna be someone else's lover
Never wanna be someone else's lover
Never wanna be someone else's lover
Never wanna be someone else's lover
Never wanna be someone else's lover
Never wanna be someone else's lover

I don't have the bones to be free
I believe in love when he
Confesses himself inside me
I don't have the bones to be free
I believe in love when he
Confesses himself inside me
I don't have the bones to be free
I believe in love when he
Confesses himself inside me
I don't have the bones to be free
I believe in love when he
Confesses himself inside me
I don't have the bones to be free
I believe in love when he
Confesses himself inside me

The Most Beautiful Thing

 Page 1421

It was a nice, chilly Saturday.

Out in town with my partner.

To the place where we had our first date.

:)

We've been planning to go there for ages.

And I'm glad we got to revisit it again.

Reminiscing the first few moments we met, haha.

It's been a while since we went out on a date too.

Since we mostly spend our days privately, cuddled at home. ☺️

Pancakes, shopping, movies, art museums and more food.

Everything checked from our lists today, haha.

The weather was amazing too. 

We did however, encountered several weird moments.

Maybe it's just the seventh month.

Or how emotionally connected we are.

That our senses are heightened around each other.

Hahaha.

I am still trying to wrap my head around it.

We've read each other's minds so many times in the past.

And today we did it again.

Incident 1.

A guy was running in the rain.

Past us. 

We gave him a weird stare.

I don't know why, but I sang;

'Singing in the rain.' but with the lyrics 'Runningggg in the rain.'

Which exactly popped up in my partner's head at the same time.

Weird.

We shook our head and walked on.

Incident 2.

I saw something my partner didn't.

While going down the escalator, I saw a guy wearing a silver backpack, in front of us.

I noticed his bag was... glowing?

Like it was reflecting some sort of light.

I paused. Looked around, and stared carefully again.

It shimmered once more.

What the. Was it the light? Was the bag made of glass or something? 

I told my partner, whom did not saw anything.

Okay, fine. Maybe it's just my eyes playing tricks.

We exited the place, I saw the guy turn right, and we walked straight.

I glanced right again, and there it was, shimmering again. 

It was sheltered, no bright light.

But. The. Bag. Was. Glowing.

OKAY WTF.

I definitely freaked out.

Cause I'm not the one who drank during lunch.

HAHAHAHAHA.

Uh.

Yeap. 

That was my day. 

I need a moment. 🤣🤣🤣

Anyways, the most beautiful thing today, wasn't any of that.

It was the company.

Thank you, for sticking with me. ❤️

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Bruno Major - The Most Beautiful Thing

Will it be a pavement or a sidewalk
When I finally lay my eyes on you
Someone I've already loved
Or will you find your way out of the blue?

Will it be my flat or your apartment
When I finally realise I do?
Will we meet on Baker Street
Or find ourselves on Melrose Avenue?

I don't know who you are
But I'll save you a seat
Hang my coat on a chair next to me
I tried to reassure the waiter
Say you're down the street
He laughed at me
So here's to you
The most beautiful thing that I have never seen

Someone on a screen asked me a question
Something about what love means to me
Maybe it's just circumstance
Or general compatibility

I don't know who you are
But I'll save you a seat
Hang my coat on a chair next to me
I tried to reassure the waiter
Say you're down the street
He laughed at me
So here's to you
The most beautiful thing that I have never seen

Hit Different

Page 1420

 'It is what it is.'

Something I've been telling myself throughout the week.

I slipped and fell in the toilet on Monday. (Don't ask how)

I would say my injuries were minor, but my hand did swell up for a bit.

Today, they felt much better. 

Though it will take some time for my strength to come back

I've never felt more grateful.

For our body's natural immune response.

We often underestimate it.

How it heals so perfectly.

It just needs time.

It makes you realise..

About how much you need to take care of your body.

To work, and get by each day.

Grateful to be alive.

It hits differently these days.

To a good month ahead, September.

For now, I'm just gonna have a nice weekend.

x

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: SZA ft Ty Dolla $ign - Hit Different

Hit different, hit different
Hit different, hit different (Hit different)
Hit different, hit different (Oh)
Hit different (Oh), hit different (Oh)
Hit different when I'm sittin' here
Alone, all by myself (Alone, all by myself)
Hit different when I think you might be
With somebody else (Na-na-na, na)
And it hit different, hit different
Hit different, hit different (Oh, na-na-na, na-na-na)
Hit different, hit different (Mmm)
Hit different (Na-na, oh), this shit

Oh woah, yeah (Oh)
Oh woah (Yeah), yeah

I was into you from the beginning even if you wasn't mine
Scared to admit my shortcomings led to overdraft in this affair, declining
Quicker than we started, evidence we misaligned
Man, I get more in love (More in love) with you each argument
Somethin' wrong with me, I like the way you screw your face up
Trigger me right when I need it
You wrong, but I can't get along without you
It's a shame and I can't blame myself, keep on lovin' you
You do it different

All that I know is
Mirrors inside me
They recognize you
Please, don't deny me (Me, yeah, oh, yeah)

Hit different, hit different (It hit different)
Hit different, hit different (Hit different, ooh)
Hit different, hit different (Mmm)
Hit different (Ooh), hit different (Oh)
Hit different when I'm sittin' here
Alone, all by myself (Alone, all by myself)
Hit different when I think you might be
With somebody else (Na-na-na, na)
And it hit different, hit different (It hit different)
Hit different, hit different (Oh, na-na-na, na-na-na, oh)
Hit different, hit different (Mmm)
Hit different (Oh), this shit
Oh woah (Woah, woah, woah), yeah (Oh, yeah)
Oh woah (Woah, woah woah), yeah

You still wit' it, when you want it, got to keep me, I am chill
Don't trip when you see me out, kickin' with my new bitch
I'll still hang around even though you cappin', cappin'
I could pretend you was my main nigga
Bet you love just how that feels (Oh, shit)
Out of my way, you out of pocket, need clear vision, boy (Vision)
Can't trust decision when you near me
Get myself caught in your crossfire
You a wild one, and I'm wading in you like it's cool water
Like it's cool when you pull up boo'd up with a new and it's not me

All that I know is (All that I know is)
Mirrors inside me (Mirrors inside me)
They recognize you (They recognize, oh, they recognize)
Please, don't deny me (Please don't, baby, oh, ooh, yeah)

Hit different, hit different
Hit different (Hit different), hit different
Hit different, hit different (Mmm)
Hit different (Oh), hit different (Oh)
Hit different when I'm sittin' here
Alone, all by myself (Alone, all by myself)
Hit different when I think you might be
With somebody else (Ooh, yeah)
And it hit different, hit different (It hit different)
Hit different, hit different (Oh, na-na-na, na-na-na, oh)
Hit different, hit different (Mmm)
Hit different (Oh), this shit
Oh woah (Woah, woah, woah), yeah (Oh, yeah)
Oh woah (Woah, woah woah, yeah), yeah