And here I am stuck at home, feeling sorry for myself.
I've kinda had it with how life is turning out.
I get affected over the smallest things.
Things that shouldn't even concern me now.
It's like everything is against me now.
My time is running out.
I have to make the best of it.
...
I wish I can freeze time.
And play back the moments that really matter most to me.
I'm so afraid.
I don't even know who I've become.
I'm like… a different person now.
When you left, you took a part of me too.
Yesterday is dead & gone.. and me along with it.
Who am I?
:c
Love, Eran.
I wanna start again…
</3
Current Song Mood: Annie - Who Am I?
Who am I, what have I become? Do I stand for something, or for money? Who am I, where's my good girl gone? You know I had a good heart once, you see.
Who am I, now that my armor's worn? I gave you what I didn't know I needed. Who am I, now that my heart has won? I didn't know I need... anyone.
But I've got today, I've got to make, The best I can of it. 'Cause yesterday is dead and gone, And me along with it.
I want to start again, so I'll look within Remember when I'd want in? 'Cause I don't know who I've become But I will trust in it. Who am I to spend my life alone? Forever looking for some place to call home. Who am I, about to meet myself? This should feel right but something don't.
I want to start again, so I'll look within Remember when I'd want in? 'Cause I don't know who I've become But I will trust in it. I will trust in it But today, I've got to make, The best I can of it. 'Cause yesterday is dead and gone And me along with it I want to start again
The moody weather used to make me really happy, but now it just makes me sad.
It's been so hard…
I've been trying to keep my mind off you.
But it just keeps coming back.
It's really really hard.
I'm really doing my best.
Not texting you, or trying to show that I don't care isn't working well for me.
The problem is I DO care. Too much.
Had to keep myself really occupied.
Went for a jog. Recorded some stuff. Watched a movie - Gone Girl
So much plot twists and it really makes me wonder how bad a marriage can go.
Just like normal relationships can.
That's so scary isn't it….
I could relate.
Kinda makes me feel like I should go all psycho too.
…
Sigh.
I keep thinking how things could've worked out differently.
But no… Then I remembered.
All the shit I wasn't happy with.
I'm done.
Done with everything.
Done with waiting.
Done with love.
Love, Eran.
All I ever wanted in this short life was you.
Current Song Mood: Zedd - Done With Love
Baby, if you're done with love, who's gonna hold you tonight? Are you done with love so they can't hurt you tomorrow? You don't wanna keep on swimming in the ocean you've cried But I won't let you drown, I'll pull you back to the shallow
Cause all I ever really wanted In this short life was you Tell me who took your heart away And do you know it breaks mine when I hear you say That you're done with love? Oh, you are done with love
[Chorus x2:] Give me one night to mend the pain Because the second we touch, you'll forget the day You were done with love Oh, you were done with love
All I ever really wanted In this short life was you All I ever really wanted In this short life was you
[Chorus]
If you're done with love
[Chorus]
You think you're done with love You think you're done with love You think you're done with love You think you're done with love
The me before I was in a relationship with anyone.
Met GF today and we both shared our problems.
She totally understands. Everything. The flashbacks. The feelings.
Thanks so much for your words. I really needed them. And they're long overdue.
And I'm sad that this might be the last time we can meet up as single individuals??
Sigh. It's feels like almost yesterday that we're in school. Being young & foolish.
Look at us now.
We've survived 3 notorious years of nursing school, and on our own ways in life.
:)
<3
That face thooo hahaha.
What we talked about today really made me ponder.
Pride. Where has mine gone to?
I almost forgot what it felt like to be on your own.
What did you do before you got yourself attached to someone?
What were you like?
I completely forgot. And these past few days.. I really rediscovered myself.
Who I really am.
I feel like I've been living in my own bubble the past few months.
I've been so busy caring about someone else that I forgot to give attention to myself.
I guess this is good.. in a way.
You go your way and I go mine.
For now.
Just like you said last night.
Just give ourselves this space..
We needed it anyways.
Alright. I'll do it.
I'll only do this for you.
Love, Eran.
If I let you go, and you come back, I'll know for sure that you're mine to stay.
Current Song Mood: Giorgio Moroder Ft Marlene - I Do This For You
Look at me down to every pixel Do you really get the whole picture? Watching 3D, color by color There's more than all this pretty If you look under the cover
I do this for you, I only do this for you I do this for you, I only do this for you
Can't you feed me, I'll go down later I'm not hiding under no filter I set my heart on fire to make my love shine brighter I'd give it all if you're ready to take it
I do this for you, I only do this for you I do this for you, I only do this for you
I give it all, I'm turning inside out I'm giving up, if you don't know by now You're everything I see, why don't you save me? And all I really need is you to need me I do it, I do it, I do it, I do it
I do this for you, I only do this for you I do this for you, I only do this for you
I do this for you, I only do this for you I do this for you
To come over. To fight for myself. For the last time. To talk. Openly. Heart to Heart. Face to face.
Was that so hard to ask?
I went to shop for some stuff for your sickness. I didnt have to. But I just wanted to.
I went around your area. And all the flashbacks started. The moment I stepped into the mall. Going down the escalator. Memories flooding in. The shops that we've walked by before. That favourite Tenderfresh stall you would buy food from. Walking into the Fairprice. The scenes played in my head. The different compartments we used to walk by. Where we used to bring the little one. The things we would've looked through. Pasta, ice cream, frozen goods. Even the freaking diaper section. The way you would pick stuff up. And then return them in the end all just because you didnt feel like buying anything anymore. You just wanted to kill time. I remember.
I bought the stuffs I needed and went out. I decided to take the lift up… For memories sake. It was open when I arrived. I had my back against the wall. Wow. Even the elevator looked different. It was already renovated. Flashbacks of us taking it when we bring the lil one.
I walked out of the mall. Into the wide area. And looked at my surroundings. Was this really the last time?
I walked under the shelter. Under the blocks. 'Who Am I' was playing. I crossed the road. Passed the blocks. Reached under your block, and my speed slowed down. It was so hard. I walked slowly to the lift. The area was decorated with red and white flags. It was colourful. But I was in no mood to admire it.
I got in the lift. Pressed the number. And slowly waited. Stared at my reflection in the mirror, something we'd always do. Remember that short kiss we'd always give each other as the elevator moved? … It reached the level. I walked out. Slowly.. My heart was pacing rapidly. I was scared. Was I gonna be invited? I don't even feel welcome here anymore. How sad that is…
I walked… to your doorstep. The door was closed. Locked. Took a deep breathe. And I knocked.
Once.
Twice.
I paused.
You should be home today.
Right?
My heart was racing so hard.
I knocked a third time.
Fourth…
It opened. Slowly.
It was..
It wasn't you.
No.
It was your brother-in-law.
'Hes not home.'
The little one was beside him.
I paused.
'Oh… well.. okay. Pass this to him ok?'
I passed the stuff.
And said goodbye to the little one.
Was that the last time I'd see him? Maybe.
And I left.
I went down. To a bench near your area. And just collapsed there.
Exhausted.
Disappointed.
Drained.
I don't know what just happened.
It played out so differently in my head.
SO differently.
I texted.
You seemed surprised.
You kept asking why.
I was tired of explaining.
I was sick of everything.
'What else is there to talk about. Let it go.'
Wow. Really. Let it go?
You have no idea how much I've been struggling. NO IDEA.
No reply after that as usual.
I don't want it to end like this.
I want to talk to you.
I want to understand you.
For once in my life.
I just want you to open up to me.
Before I get taken away.
But I guess.. it just wasn't meant to be
We weren't meant to be.
It's horrible.
You're horrible. The way you're treating me. Like I don't matter anymore.
Like we were NOTHING.
I closed my eyes. And a cool breeze accompanied me.
I shouldn't waste my time.
I walked away. Fuming. Walked passed the blocks. Crossed the road. More blocks. More flashbacks.
'The Last Time' played.
Passed by..
The house where your neighbours whom you were close with lived in.
The wide area you used to play at when you were little, during the SARS period.
The bus stop we went to once to catch a bus to CCK.
The pathway that would've been filled with puddles we had to avoid when it was raining.
The area where we'd make fun of the kids playing kendama.
The times where you'd tell me about a neighbour whom you'd borrowed his game cd and haven't returned it back.
The playground where the lil one and your sis sat before.
The pathway on the way to the mrt station where the lil one would often stray, and run and we'd have to chase him.
Avoiding the mrt entrance where there would usually be people handing out fliers. Just because you didnt know how to say No to them.
Walked passed the shops… The bridal shop where you'd do your brows. The axs machine where you'd borrow $10 from me to top up your phone card. The NS shop where we'd look for your grad shoes.. The Bread shop where we'd just look around but not buy anything. The Barber Shop where you'd get your expensive haircut.. MacDonalds.. remember that time I treated you that? I did it because I wanted to, because I loved you. Passed by the atm machines where you'd withdraw money for our trip. And to the mrt station. I looked around.. one last time, before I tapped in.
The moment where we first met. This was it. It was here. I saw myself walking out. And you were there. And we said hi and hugged. And we walked. towards your place. That was the first time. And I remembered it clearly. It was clear. That moment was real.
The escalator brought me up. I looked back…
This was meant to be the last time.
I don't know if that will be true.
I don't know.
I don't know why I came.
I'm so lost and confused and lonely now.
For now, I've given up.
The last time and I didnt even get to see you.
I didnt even get to say a proper goodbye.
I'm at my wits end.
...
Goodbye.
Love, Eran.
Current Song Mood: Taylor Swift Ft Gary Lightbody - The Last Time
[Gary Lightbody:] I find myself at your door, Just like all those times before, I'm not sure how I got there, All roads—they lead me here.
I imagine you are home, In your room, all alone, And you open your eyes into mine, And everything feels better,
[Both:] and right before your eyes, I'm breaking, no past No reasons why, Just you and me.
This is the last time I'm asking you this, Put my name at the top of your list, This is the last time I'm asking you why, You break my heart in the blink of an eye, eye, eye.
[Taylor Swift:] You find yourself at my door, Just like all those times before, You wear your best apology, But I was there to watch you leave,
And all the times I let you in, Just for you to go again, Disappear when you come back, Everything is better.
[Both:] and right before your eyes, I'm aching, no past Nowhere to hide, Just you and me...
This is the last time I'm asking you this, Put my name at the top of your list, This is the last time I'm asking you why, You break my heart in the blink of an eye, eye, eye...
[Taylor Swift:] This is the last time you tell me I've got it wrong, [Gary Lightbody:] This is the last time I say it's been you all along, [Taylor Swift:] This is the last time I let you in my door, [Gary Lightbody:] This is the last time, I won't hurt you anymore.
Oh, oh, oh,
This is the last time I'm asking you this, Put my name at the top of your list, This is the last time I'm asking you why, You break my heart in the blink of an eye.
[4x:] This is the last time I'm asking you, Last time I'm asking you, Last time I'm asking you this...
All I want.. All I wish is that I could've spent the cold day in your arms, wrapped up under the blankets.
Feeling your body warmth.
Your touch.
Skin on skin.
I'd look at you as you sleep.
Caress your perfectly chiseled jaw.
Get amused by your snorings.
And fall deeply in love.
I crave for it. I crave for you. But I guess it's only a dream now.
A faded, distant memory.
I get flashbacks all the time.
Every single day.
Do you too?
Do you still think about me?
I'm scared.
My memories are getting hazy now.
Your face isn't as clear as before.
I don't wish to forget.
I want to stay.
No matter how shitty you are to me now.
I still...
I still want to stay & fight for you.
Love, Eran.
Give yourself another chance.
Current Song Mood: Tamar Braxton - Stay and Fight
We could walk away from this mess we made We could live and learn, set fire to this bridge and watch it burn We can act like it was not even really love in the first place, no
We could throw out the pictures And throw our dreams away We could forget the words we were too afraid to say And we could live with the mistake, tearing us apart everyday We could let all the good just fade away
[Chorus] But I wanna stay and fight for you Fight until my heart is black and blue Fight til there's nothing left not one single strand of the love we had I wanna stay and fight for us Fight like hell before I give up 'Til I'm the only one, the only one in love I'd fight for you
We could turn off our feelings And go about the days, put on a happy face Tell everyone that we're OK And we could just say you and me were probably never meant to be Or we could be nothing more than a memory
[Chorus] But I wanna stay and fight for you Fight 'til my heart is black and blue Fight til there's nothing left not one single strand of the love we had I wanna stay and fight for us Fight like hell before I give up 'Til I'm the only one, the only one in love I'd fight for you
Cause we done went through the fire baby We still survived baby If you know where I stand, then, I'll be waiting Cause it'll never be my choice baby To give up on us really When it's so rare to find in the first place When you're the realest thing I've ever met
[Chorus] I wanna stay and fight for you Fight 'til my heart is black and blue Fight til there's nothing left not one single strand of the love we had I wanna stay and fight for us Fight like hell before I give up 'Til I'm the only one, the only one in love I'd fight for you
I sat outside the house. There was a bench and table prepared, and no one was around.
I stared at my phone.
I don't even know why I still bothered checking.
Hoping.
That you would somehow… Text.
I scrolled through our history.
I know how much you like to delete all your messages frequently.
I dont.
I keep them. Just in case I could read them over and over again.
How.. different you were back in February.
I miss that so much.
So fucking much.
The times when you would call me Baby.
And get my attention if I wasn't replying.
And making sure I wasnt upset.
And teasing and telling me how badly you wanted me over.
It kills me.
I'm hurting.
It's so hard for me.
What changed?
I have so many questions to ask.
I want you back.
But it's like you don't even want any of my love.
Not anymore.
I don't want your pieces.
I want the whole you.
Love, Eran.
Please.
Current Song Mood: Tamar Braxton - Pieces
Don't you say a word to me I don't wanna hear it You say you miss me I don't wanna feel it, I don't wanna feel it If you really wanted to be Oh, if you really wanted to be here You would make a woman out of me Oh, I'll be the one that you believe in
You don't want my love I swear you don't want it You don't want my trust I swear you don't want it Gave you my all for what? I swear you don't want it You don't want it bad enough, I'ma take it back
I don't want your pieces Oh no no no no I don't want your pieces Oh no no no no
If you can't give me all your love I don't want your love It’s like you threw a curve at me Can't you see I'm hurting Ooh, it's gonna be hard for me I know that's where your heart been, That I'm where your heart went, tryna let go of you But I don't really know if I can do it Close the door on you You don't really wanna see me do it, no
I tried a thousand times Told my heart a thousand lies You won't let me say goodbye You don't wanna see me do it, no
I don't want your pieces Oh no no no no I don't want your pieces Oh no no no no
If you can't give me all your love I don't want your love no no
If you can't give me all your love I don't want your love no no, no
No baby, it's so clear You leave me here Wondering, dreaming, still believing What you say but I'm not for it baby I don't know who you think you're playing Boy you know I'm the only one you're needing Truth of the matter is you don't think I really have the strength to leave
But I don't want no pieces Oh no no no no I don't want your pieces I'm tired of giving all of my love I don't want your pieces Oh no no no no I don't want your pieces Oh no no no no
I deserve more than just a little part I don't want nothing, if I can't have it all I ain't even gonna play with something I can't keep I want the whole thing or forget about me
