The Last Time

Page 378

I don't know what I was doing.

I just found myself at your door.

Just like all those times before.

It just felt so right.

But I guess… sigh.

I guess it's wrong at the same time.

It's been a week.

One entire week without you.

I can't do this.

I don't know how much longer I can take

I was full of determination today.

To come over. To fight for myself. For the last time. To talk. Openly. Heart to Heart. Face to face.

Was that so hard to ask?

I went to shop for some stuff for your sickness. I didnt have to. But I just wanted to.

I went around your area. And all the flashbacks started. The moment I stepped into the mall. Going down the escalator. Memories flooding in. The shops that we've walked by before. That favourite Tenderfresh stall you would buy food from. Walking into the Fairprice. The scenes played in my head. The different compartments we used to walk by. Where we used to bring the little one. The things we would've looked through. Pasta, ice cream, frozen goods. Even the freaking diaper section. The way you would pick stuff up. And then return them in the end all just because you didnt feel like buying anything anymore. You just wanted to kill time. I remember.

I bought the stuffs I needed and went out. I decided to take the lift up… For memories sake. It was open when I arrived. I had my back against the wall. Wow. Even the elevator looked different. It was already renovated. Flashbacks of us taking it when we bring the lil one.

I walked out of the mall. Into the wide area. And looked at my surroundings. Was this really the last time?

I walked under the shelter. Under the blocks. 'Who Am I' was playing. I crossed the road. Passed the blocks. Reached under your block, and my speed slowed down. It was so hard. I walked slowly to the lift. The area was decorated with red and white flags. It was colourful. But I was in no mood to admire it.

I got in the lift. Pressed the number. And slowly waited. Stared at my reflection in the mirror, something we'd always do. Remember that short kiss we'd always give each other as the elevator moved? … It reached the level. I walked out. Slowly.. My heart was pacing rapidly. I was scared. Was I gonna be invited? I don't even feel welcome here anymore. How sad that is…

I walked… to your doorstep. The door was closed. Locked. Took a deep breathe. And I knocked.

Once.

Twice.

I paused. 

You should be home today.

Right?

My heart was racing so hard.

I knocked a third time.

Fourth…

It opened. Slowly.

It was..

It wasn't you.

No.

It was your brother-in-law.

'Hes not home.'

The little one was beside him.

I paused.

'Oh… well.. okay. Pass this to him ok?' 

I passed the stuff.

And said goodbye to the little one.

Was that the last time I'd see him? Maybe.

And I left.

I went down. To a bench near your area. And just collapsed there.

Exhausted.

Disappointed.

Drained.

I don't know what just happened.

It played out so differently in my head.
SO differently.

I texted.

You seemed surprised.

You kept asking why.

I was tired of explaining.

I was sick of everything.

'What else is there to talk about. Let it go.'

Wow. Really. Let it go?

You have no idea how much I've been struggling.
NO IDEA.

No reply after that as usual.

I don't want it to end like this.

I want to talk to you.

I want to understand you.

For once in my life.

I just want you to open up to me.

Before I get taken away.

But I guess.. it just wasn't meant to be

We weren't meant to be.

It's horrible. 

You're horrible. The way you're treating me. Like I don't matter anymore.

Like we were NOTHING.

I closed my eyes. And a cool breeze accompanied me.

I shouldn't waste my time.

I walked away. Fuming. Walked passed the blocks. Crossed the road. More blocks. More flashbacks.
'The Last Time' played.

Passed by..

The house where your neighbours whom you were close with lived in. 

The wide area you used to play at when you were little, during the SARS period.

The bus stop we went to once to catch a bus to CCK.

The pathway that would've been filled with puddles we had to avoid when it was raining.

The area where we'd make fun of the kids playing kendama.

The times where you'd tell me about a neighbour whom you'd borrowed his game cd and haven't returned it back.

The playground where the lil one and your sis sat before.

The pathway on the way to the mrt station where the lil one would often stray, and run and we'd have to chase him.

Avoiding the mrt entrance where there would usually be people handing out fliers. Just because you didnt know how to say No to them.

Walked passed the shops… The bridal shop where you'd do your brows. The axs machine where you'd borrow $10 from me to top up your phone card. The NS shop where we'd look for your grad shoes.. The Bread shop where we'd just look around but not buy anything. The Barber Shop where you'd get your expensive haircut.. MacDonalds.. remember that time I treated you that? I did it because I wanted to, because I loved you. Passed by the atm machines where you'd withdraw money for our trip. And to the mrt station. I looked around.. one last time, before I tapped in. 

The moment where we first met. This was it. It was here. I saw myself walking out. And you were there. And we said hi and hugged. And we walked. towards your place. That was the first time. And I remembered it clearly. It was clear. That moment was real.

The escalator brought me up. I looked back…

This was meant to be the last time.

I don't know if that will be true.

I don't know.
I don't know why I came.

I'm so lost and confused and lonely now.

For now, I've given up.

The last time and I didnt even get to see you.

I didnt even get to say a proper goodbye.

I'm at my wits end.

...

Goodbye.

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Taylor Swift Ft Gary Lightbody - The Last Time

[Gary Lightbody:]
I find myself at your door,
Just like all those times before,
I'm not sure how I got there,
All roads—they lead me here.

I imagine you are home,
In your room, all alone,
And you open your eyes into mine,
And everything feels better,

[Both:]
and right before your eyes,
I'm breaking, no past
No reasons why,
Just you and me.

This is the last time I'm asking you this,
Put my name at the top of your list,
This is the last time I'm asking you why,
You break my heart in the blink of an eye, eye, eye.

[Taylor Swift:]
You find yourself at my door,
Just like all those times before,
You wear your best apology,
But I was there to watch you leave,

And all the times I let you in,
Just for you to go again,
Disappear when you come back,
Everything is better.

[Both:]
and right before your eyes,
I'm aching, no past
Nowhere to hide,
Just you and me...

This is the last time I'm asking you this,
Put my name at the top of your list,
This is the last time I'm asking you why,
You break my heart in the blink of an eye, eye, eye...

[Taylor Swift:] This is the last time you tell me I've got it wrong,
[Gary Lightbody:] This is the last time I say it's been you all along,
[Taylor Swift:] This is the last time I let you in my door,
[Gary Lightbody:] This is the last time, I won't hurt you anymore.

Oh, oh, oh,

This is the last time I'm asking you this,
Put my name at the top of your list,
This is the last time I'm asking you why,
You break my heart in the blink of an eye.

[4x:]
This is the last time I'm asking you,
Last time I'm asking you,
Last time I'm asking you this...