Moments

Page 373

Tired.

Just came back from my aunt's house for raya.

Go pretty annoyed at some people for certain comments.

Who are you to judge what I do?

Meh. Your words mean nothing.

You don't know me.

...

Been trying my best to keep myself busy.

But you know.. when I'm alone..

I just drown in my thoughts.

I can't help it.

I feel sad.

I miss you.

I miss you so much.

More than words can ever express.

But I guess you feel nothing now.

I guess i'm better off without you.

I'm not a perfect person.

I'm not flawless.

But I have my moments.

Love, Eran.

Rough around the edges.

Current Song Mood: Tove Lo - Moments

 I grew up with a lot of green

Nice things round me
I was safe, I was fine

I grew up with a lot of dreams
Plans who to be
None of them none were mine

I love freaks, I don't care if you're a wild one
I love freaks, I don't care if you're a wild one
And me

[Chorus:]
I
I'm not the prettiest you've ever seen
But I have my moments, I have my moments
Not the flawless one, I've never been
But I have my moments, I have my moments
I can get a little drunk, I get into all the don'ts
But on good days I am charming as fuck
I can get a little drunk, I get into all the don'ts
But on good days I am charming as fuck

I can't be the perfect one
But I'll make you come
And I'm locked in your mind

You can say I don't belong
That I'm so wrong
I can tell, tell you lie

I love freaks, I don't care if you're a wild one
I love freaks, I don't care if you're a wild one
And

[Chorus]

[Bridge:]
Rough around the edges, memories and baggage
You know me
Never play the safe card, when I go I go hard
Now you know

[Chorus]

Alibi

Page 372

I can't do this.

I can't do it alone.

I've been so lonely.

So, so lonely.

I don't want to move on.

I don't know how to.

Time? It heals everything, yes. But it's been passing so slowly.

I don't know how I can take this anymore.

I haven't been sleeping well.

I haven't been eating well.

I'm sorry for what I asked.

I guess you truly have zero feelings now.

I'm sorry.

This is not who I am.

I'm better than this.

Love, Eran.

I want it badly.

Current Song Mood: BANKS - Alibi

[Verse:]
Something, someone
Turned out to be
Something I should've known
Will be the death of me
Baby, I tried
I promise I'm usually better than this
And now I can't even recognize myself anymore
You turned me into this

[Chorus:]
Please, give me something to
Convince me that I am not a monster
Babe, give me one excuse
Give me one excuse

[Bridge:]
(Give me one...
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...)

[Chorus]

[Outro:]
Give me one, give me one, oh oh
Give me one, oh oh yeah, give me one, oh oh yeah
Give me one, give me one, oh oh yeah
Give me one, oh oh, give me one, oh oh yeah

The Crying Game

Page 371

Um. Wow.

Where do I start.

This is harder than I can ever imagine.

I didnt sleep well last night.

I was a total mess this morning.

Mum: 'I'm going now, make sure to do the dishes.'

Me: 'uh, okay…'

*door closes* 

and I walked passed the mirror.

I stared at the reflection, the expression changed. And the tears just started pouring.

I ran into the room. And I cried my heart out.

I was mad. I was sad. I was crazy.

I was sobbing hard. I was whimpering loud.

I cried and I cried and I cried. And it was the worst breakdown I've ever had.

It was non-stop. And when I finally did, I was so drained.

Emotionally drained.

But I felt a little better.

A little.

I was contemplating. Should I go to work? But I wasn't in any right state of mind to go.

It took a while. And I was this close to bailing on it. But I decided to. I needed to go out. And cooping myself at home wouldn't be the best solution. It'd have droven me nuts.

So I bathed. Changed. Took a deep breath. Collected & composed myself. And I went out.

It wasn't easy.

The long train ride.

Reaching work.

I had to make sure I took long deep breaths to ensure I was calm again.

There were times when I wanted to tear up. But I breathed and controlled myself.

Riri was working the same shift. And wow, I was so glad to see her.

I wanted to tell her everything. I wanted to break down and cry and have someone to comfort. But alas, things didnt go as planned.

I told her eventually at the end of the shift. And she gave me lots of encouragements plus her own personal experiences. Thanks babe. Talking to her definitely did make me feel much better.

I'm glad I went to work. I'm glad I interacted with people. It made me feel better. It took my mind off things. Though half of the time my mind still wanders...

I guess this is it.

There's nothing more to say.

What's done is done.

I can't do anything.

I've given everything.

The worst part was knowing that it was real at the start and then that love disappeared just like that.

The tears won't end.

I'm gonna need a lot of support this time.

Oh well. Back to square one.

I guess it's back to playing that game.

That sick game all over again.

The crying game.

Love, Eran.

I'd never thought I'd have to use this song. I wish I didnt have to.

Current Song Mood: Nicki Minaj - The Crying Game

[Verse 1 - Nicki Minaj:]
Here we go again, it's the game we love
Sheets all over the floor and they laced with drugs
You ain't play your cards right, you had the Ace of Clubs
Hit you with the Ace of Spades and your face is shrugged 
Blood drippin' out your arm on my Asian rugs
We was just planning a wedding, Caucasian doves 
You was just tellin' your mans, that you hate the clubs
Now we in the crying game, heart laced with slugs

[Bridge 1 - Nicki Minaj:]
Are you alone? Do you need someone?
Is it too late to talk? Did I wait too long?
Thousand words don't change a thing
Is it only three? Three words that you're missing?

[Pre-Chorus - Jessie Ware:]
Where did you go? Couldn't see
I was too busy
Could've just said no
Where would you go? I think I know

[Chorus - Jessie Ware:]
Who-o-o-o-o-o, who-o-o-o-o-o
We're back to playing 
We're back to playing 
Who-o-o-o-o-o, who-o-o-o-o-o
We're back to playing 
The crying game

[Post-Chorus x2 - Jessie Ware:]
I could've given everything
Don't wanna let the tears begin
We're back to playing 
The crying game

[Verse 2 - Nicki Minaj:]
Welcome to the crying game where you lose your soul
Where it ain't no easy pass, you got to use the toll
Ain't no cruise control, you 'bout to lose control
Ain't no smilin' faces here, we slammin' doors and dishes
Sayin' we don't miss each other, but it's all fictitious
Sayin' that we had enough, but enough of what?
Another slap to the face, another uppercut
I'm just abusive by nature, not cause I hate ya
Not cause I wanna get someone to imitate ya 
I know it's hard, I know I intimidate ya
But is you stayin' or goin'?
I couldn't breathe and you ain't even know it
How come you never show it?
All this love you speak of
All I want is to love and be loved
(To love and be loved)

[Bridge 2 - Nicki Minaj:]
I'm losin' a thing I thought I'd win
And I'm coming undone
Cause the tears don't end

[Pre-Chorus] 

[Chorus] 

[Post-Chorus x2]

[Outro - Jessie Ware:]
Who-o-o-o-o-o, who-o-o-o-o-o
Who-o-o-o-o-o, who-o-o-o-o-o

Bedroom Wall

Page 370

My heart sank when I read your text.

Guess you beat me to it.

I was surprisingly calm.

I saw this coming.

Though I didnt expect it to be so soon.

I was prepared.

But I don't think I will be prepared to go through it.

You're sorry, I know.

But I'm sorry for not being good enough.

 I guess that's why you lost feelings in the first place.

I'll always love you.

Always.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

It's over.

It really is.

Today I felt like I woke up from an incredibly bad dream.

But it was very true. That reality sinked in. And I was a mess.

Last night.. just broke my heart. It broke me.

It was so cold.

So, so cold.

And I had to take out my green jacket and sleep with it. The scent of your room was on it. Your scent.

You're everywhere.

In the pictures in my phone laptop.

In the clothes that I wear.

In the places that I've visited.

In the air that I breathe.

In the sun that comes out every morning.

How can I easily let go of the person who's been such a huge part of my life?

I CANT.

I can't do this.

Oh God I cant.

I feel like I've just lost someone to death.

I feel like I'm going through an eternal grief.

My heart is in a million pieces.

My eyes are swollen.

God knows how many times I've cried since last night.

And I'll probably will be for the longest time.

I can't.

Oh God please give me the strength to go through this.

I'm too weak on my own.

Too weak to handle this.

Too weak.

How can someone lose their feelings so easily.

How can everything just suddenly die?
Haven't I given my all?
 Been faithful. Been loving. Been caring all the time.
Showering love every single day.
But I guess you can't change that.
I guess you can't change feelings.

Though I've noticed it go downhill gradually.

If only I can turn back time.

If only you know how I TRULY feel.

It's more than words that I can express.

But I guess I saw this coming.

I'll respect this decision, no matter how much it kills me.
I don't have a choice.
...

Thank you for giving me the love that I've never experienced before.

You came at a time where I was most lost & confused with myself.

I've never been so committed to anyone before.

I've never given so much to anyone before.

Parts of myself I hold dearly.

Even when it got rough lots of times, and my friends advised me to let you go..

I could never do it.

I didnt have the heart to.

My love for you is strong and hasn't changed since day 1.. 

Remember that day? We just hung out and cuddled and had the best times of our lives in that rainy weather..

Oh how I miss that.

Fond on those memories.

I loved you so much. Love that I can never put into words. And I still do.

My dear, please don't ever forget me.

I'll always be here for you.

You're the biggest impact I've ever had in my life.

I loved you, and I will continue to. I'll always will.

Thank you, B.

You'll always have a special place in my fragile heart.

<3

Love, Eran.

I wish I could write in on your bedroom wall.
For the last time.

Current Song Mood: BANKS - Bedroom Wall

My arms are open for you look at me now
Baby if you want you got me
I know you're broken darling and I won't let you down
Baby I've been waiting for you

I know you like acting like you don't care
But I can be distant don't want to be distant anymore
Darling look at me standing here
This is my promise, cross my heart promise, this is all yours

See these feelings are outta control
Talk about losing losing all my shit for you
Cause I've been thinking about thinking about
Putting my body body body on top of you

You know how I see you, we should be one
Cause I already told you baby
Last time that I tried to sing you this song
Couldn't get the words out baby
My arms are open for you look at me now
Baby if you want you got me
I know you're broken darling I won't let you down
Cause baby I've been waiting for you

Do I have to write it on your bedroom wall, you fool? [x10]
Do I, do I, do I, do I, do I [x2]

Let Me Out

Page 369

I waited. And I waited.

Nothing.

You didnt come.

That's unusual.

I texted 'Come in.'

No response.

I walked out. You were pretending to be asleep.

'Come inside..'

'No. I wanna sleep outside.'

…

I laid there. By your side. Helpless and confused. While you ignored me and slept away.

Neglection.

On the way to the mrt, you didnt even talk to me.

Silence.

I walked slowly behind.

Weak.

As I walked past the places that were so familiar to me by now.

And all the happy memories that flashed by.

I teared.

-----------------------------------------------------

Hurt. So, so hurt.

I'm crying as I'm typing this.

Even when I was praying just now.

I guess I shouldn't have expected so much.

I should have seen this coming.

I just.. didnt think it would be this soon.

You really didnt want me around huh?

I could tell. You didnt say anything but I could tell.

I let myself in and the little one starts to cry.

How welcoming I felt.

It was already a bad a sign.

We didnt even talk much. We didnt even touch.

The weather was perfect for cuddling. 

Yet the only thing I snuggled with was your blanket, in the room, alone.

You left me alone.

On my own.

The way you hurried me out of the house.

Like you just couldnt wait for me to go.

I even asked.

'Do you want me to go?'

'Yeah.'

Heart ache.

Even though you were free the rest of the day.

You didnt want me there.

I kept reminiscing about the times when I would spend the entire day with you, until night.

But then I realised, times have changed.

You're not who you used to be. 

You've changed.

Our texts are getting lesser.

You don't call me pet names anymore.

You're so distant now.

And I don't know whats going on.

What do I do now?

Why did I come then?

All I wanted was to spend time with you.

Yet you just pushed me away.

I was SO close to stomping out on my own earlier.

But I stayed anyway cause I knew I had to be patient.

Turns out it would have been better..

Your actions says everything.

</3

How can I fight when love is the enemy?

What am I fighting for now?
I'm at my lowest point tonight.

If you think that we're over.. 

then Tell me.

I'll make it easy. 

…

I'll let you out.

</3

Love, Eran.

You don't even know if you really need me.

Current Song Mood: The Veronicas - Let Me Out

I can't take the blame
I can't take the pain
If you're gonna let me down
Just do it now, just let me down

I'm too scared to sleep
To see you in my dreams
If you're gonna make me cry
Just do it right and make me cry

Never knew much it'd hurt you to keep me
You don't even know if you really need me
How can I fight when love is the enemy?
I don't exist until you release me

If you think it's over
If you think we're nowhere, just let me out
I'm making it easy
For you to go, leave me, just let me out

You dig your claws in deep
I'm way out, breaking free
You can't keep this alive
For me to survive, push me to the side

And I can't run if you're coming on to me
And I can't hide when you've got what's left of me
You leave it unsaid
It's all in my head,
We're better off dead

Never knew much it'd hurt you to keep me
You don't even know if you really need me
How can I fight when love is the enemy?
I don't exist until you release me

[2x]
If you think it's over
If you think we're nowhere, just let me out
I'm making it easy
For you to go, leave me, just let me out

I can't take the blame
I can't take your pain
If you're gonna let me down
Just do it now, let me down

[3x]
If you think it's over
If you think we're nowhere, just let me out
I'm making it easy
For you to go, leave me, just let me out

Addicted To A Memory

Page 368

'If you let go, would you lose anything? Minus the emotions. Put them aside.'

'I guess… No.'

'Well there you go.'

---------------------------------------------------

Met up with GF today. Hehehe. Someone's been notty ehhh in the office.

Hahaha it felt good to see her again. Chilled at her workplace before I went for work. Lepak, chatted with her fiancé and we ordered Pastamania!

I was pretty stressed out but the view and the cool breeze made me calm again.

Riri was late as usual hahaha this girl. Got to hug her before I left. :)

It was a short meet up but I definitely appreciated it. It's good to know there's still people who are there for me. And support me.

With all that has happened..

Their views and opinions makes me feel better.

Lately I've been reminiscing a lot.

I miss the good times.

I miss the weekly hangouts. Over your house.

The kisses. The cuddles. The teasings.

The warm fuzzy feeling I get when I'm snuggled in your arms.

I miss everything.

Everything I do, reminds me of you.

You affect me in more ways than I expected.

Will tomorrow finally be the day?

To finally experience it all again?

I'm looking forward.

Not sure if you are.

I'm not sure of anything anymore.

I guess I'm just addicted to the memory.

I guess i'm just addicted to you.

Love, Eran.

Remember that time when you said 'I don't remember singing this?!' 

And I bursted out laughing.

Current Song Mood: Zedd Ft Bahari - Addicted To A Memory

We are, we are revolving chemistry
Love has taken us as far as we can reach
But I can't leave
We are, we are, imagine ecstasy
Holding on to what we used to be
Addicted to a memory
Holding on to what we used to be
Addicted to a memory
Oh, memory

We are, we are in-love enemies
We are sentimental slaves on broken knees
We're on empty
We were, we were one identity
Now the trouble is remembering
Addicted to a memory

This Time Around

Page 367

Effort. 

It's all I ask for. To keep this together.

I don't see any.

Its always me. I'm always the one exhausting myself.

Tell me, do you even still care about me?

If you do, you'd make the effort.

You're purposely trying to avoid the topic.

You suddenly wanna pay me back urgently. Why? Starting to feel guilty?

That I've done so much for you?

I took the trouble today, yet you didnt even seem like you were glad to see me.

That half-annoyed look, like you didnt want me to be there.

No appreciation at all. Wow. And you dare to call me rude? Wow.

I pretty much walked away so hurt.

I've had enough of being the nice one.

I don't know what I'm doing this time around.

I don't know what's going to happen.

Love, Eran.

I don't feel it anymore.

Current Song Mood: Tove Lo - This Time Around

I used to take your breath away
I used to make your laugh about anything
I used to be your getaway
Your getaway, your dream
I was everything you needed

You used to lean your eyes on me
You used to open up and share your world
You used to loose yourself in me
Let the hours pass all running by so fast but now

What I'm doing
I don't know what I'm doing

Cause I don't even feel it
Bodies growing colder with the distance now
And I don't even mean it
Got my hands all over you, but not a sound
I'm always so in love, all in
Til I start going numb thinking
Thought you'd make me feel it
Thought that I'd be different this time around
This time around

We started out as lonely hearts
We started with a promise built on highs
You said I was the missing part
Looked into my eyes said
"You're my fix for life", but now

What I'm doing
I don't know, what I'm doing

Cause I don't even feel it
Bodies growing colder with the distance now
And I don't even mean it
Got my hands all over you, but not a sound
I'm always so in love, all in
Til I start going numb thinking
Thought you'd make me feel it
Thought that I'd be different this time around
This time around

Don't know what I'm doing
This time around
This time around
Don't know what I'm doing
This time around
This time around
Ooooh

Cause I don't even feel it
Bodies growing colder with the distance now
And I don't even mean it
Got my hands all over you, but not a sound
I'm always so in love, all in
Til I start going numb thinking
Thought you'd make me feel it
Thought that I'd be different this time around
This time around

Don't know what I'm doing
This time around
This time around
Don't know what I'm doing
This time around
This time around
Ooooh

The Way That I Am

Page 366

Some people need to just chill. Work today was alright but the people are just… ugh. Just chill okay? 

No need to make issues out of small stuff.

And there were so many lazy fatasses today for some reason.

Things they can do themselves but they push it all to me? Hahaha.

Fucking do it yourself.

You can point fingers, I don't care.

I can do whatever I want to.

I've always had.

I dare to because I know my rights and my limits.

This is the way that I am.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Short meet up today but the small smiles we exchanged was enough.

I can't wait to spend time with you again.

I don't care how busy/distant we've been lately.

I love you anyway.

And I hope you still want me

the way that I am.

Love, Eran.

Do you understand?

Current Song Mood: Tove Lo - The Way That I Am

So you're proud to be a good one
But the good ones always complain
About the stuff they never did

Don't make a thing about the bad kind
'Cause the bad kind don't even know
All the hearts they're messing with

You can point fingers, all you want
I don't care
I love you anyway
You can point fingers, all you want
I don't care
I love you anyway

Yeah, I've fallen in love
And I hope that you want me
The way that I am
Fallen in love
And I know I can't change me
Do you understand?
Yeah, I've fallen in love
And I hope that you want me
The way that I am
Fallen in love
And I know I can't change me
Do you understand?

I've been told I am the problem
And the problem's my honesty
When it's worse than how it seems
And I tell you all the wrong things
All the things you don't wanna hear
'Cause they change your perfect dream

You can point fingers, all you want
I don't care
I love you anyway
You can point fingers all you want
I don't care
I love you anyway

Yeah, I'm fallen in love
And I hope that you want me
The way that I am!
Fallen in love
And I know I can't change me
Do you understand?
Yeah, I'm fallen in love
And I hope that you want me
The way that I am!
Fallen in love
And I know I can't change me
Do you understand?

Homeward Bound // Home

Page 365 

Messy hurr dont curr.

Homecoming.

Such a bittersweet moment.

Gathered in school with a couple of my babes for HS Day. :)

After last year's disaster, we finally decided to give this year a go. Plus Riri was performing!!!

It was better than expected, and we were greeted so warmly this time. :)

Grabbed some popcorn and headed to the dark theatre. It already started. The performances were okay haha, lesser cock ups. They were mostly short. But they were at least watchable ah. I liked the hip hop dance. Weeeeerk! They started giving prizes and we decided to go out to grab some food. Met Mr B hahaha, still botak as ever. And a couple of friends I went to Bintan with :) Nostalgic! And Riri you killed it even though there were cock ups HAHAHA. Damn cute!!

We ate a bit, then decided to head to HS Block where all the alumni were gathering.

A couple of past lecturers greeted us.

There were lots of smiles. Fakes smiles too probably hahaha. But we all just smiled and greeted too.

We saw our fave lecturer from afar, one of the founders of our HS Society. When he headed our direction, we shouted his name in unison.

Hahahaha he was so excited to see us! Damn he was hilarious, and started complaining to us about everything. LOL LOL. Even though he had something to do, he couldn't wait cause he was so angry and had to let it out. Haha. I feel so blessed to have been a part of something great.

And then… he started opening up about some personal matters. I was just looking at his face, studying him as his eyes started welling up as he told his story. Mr R, you are such a strong soul. I pray for you and your loved ones. We were all left teary eyed at the end, and decided, it was time to go.

Took the bus home with Tomei and we decided to head to Causeway for dinner hehe.

Bought ban mian <3 <3

If only Baby was here.

We chatted with each other and had a lot of catching up. And she complained that I ate so slow hahaha sorry la.

And she let me eat her sushi ._. With Wasabi. I died.

Hahaha. 

We headed home after that.

Today was great. It was good to be back to school after working for so long. I missed school. Feeling2 now hais.

Today will probably be the last time I'll step in school for this year. Thank you guys for the wonderful memories.

This place.. will  forever be our home.

Homeward Bound.

Love, Eran.

We're gonna make this place our home.

No, you're not alone.

Current Song Mood: Glee - Homeward Bound/Home

[Quinn:]
I'm sitting in a railway station
Got a ticket for my destination, oh oh

[Puck:]
On a tour of one-night stands
My suitcase and guitar in hand

[Puck and Quinn:]
And every stop is neatly planned for a poet and a one-man band

[Mike:]
This wave

[Santana with Mike:]
Wave

[Mike and Santana:]
Is stringing us along ([Santana:] Along)

[Mike and Quinn:]
Just know you’re not alone

[Mike:]
'Cause I’m gonna make this place your home

[Santana:]
Everyday's an endless stream
Of cigarettes and magazines, oh oh

[Mercedes with Santana:]
And each town looks the same to me
The movies and the factories
And every stranger's face I see
Reminds me that I long to be

[Finn with Santana, Quinn, Puck, Mercedes and Mike:]
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

[Finn with Santana:]
Just know you’re not alone ([Mercedes:] Know you're not alone)

[Puck and Quinn:]
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

[Finn, Puck, Santana, Quinn, Mercedes and Mike:]
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

[Santana:]
Where my thought's escape me

[Finn, Puck, Santana, Quinn, Mercedes and Mike:]
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

[Mercedes:]
Where my music's playing

[Finn, Puck, Santana, Quinn, Mercedes and Mike:]
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ([Mercedes:] Oh, oh)

[Quinn:]
Where my love life's waiting
Silently for me

[Finn and Mercedes with Puck, Santana, Quinn and Mike:]
Settle down, it'll all be clear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

[Finn and Santana:]
Just know you’re not alone ([Mercedes:] Know you're not alone)

[Puck and Quinn with Santana, Mercedes, Finn and Mike:]
'Cause I’m gonna make this place your home

[Santana:]
Oh oh oh oh!

[Finn, Puck, Santana, Quinn, Mercedes and Mike:]
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

[Santana:]
Where my music's playing

[Finn, Puck, Santana, Quinn, Mercedes and Mike:]
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

[Mercedes:]
I'm gonna make, I'm gonna make, make this place your home

[Finn, Puck, Santana, Quinn, Mercedes and Mike:]
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ([Mercedes:] Know you're not alone)

[Santana:]
Where my music's playing

[Finn, Puck, Santana, Quinn, Mercedes and Mike:]
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ([Santana:] Whoa oh)

[Mercedes:]
I'm gonna make, I'm gonna make, make this place our home

[Finn, Puck, Santana, Quinn, Mercedes and Mike:]
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

[Mercedes:]
Know you're not alone

[Finn, Puck, Santana, Quinn, Mercedes and Mike:]
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ([Mercedes:] Oh...)