Four Pink Walls

Page 388

Done with packing.

Guess it's time to go again soon.

It's been an empty weekend.

Time passed really fast.

Guess I gotta get used to this.

Well I'm not gonna let it get to me.

I'm stronger than this.

All I can do now is pray and have faith that I'll get over this.

I'll pray for you too.

I'm as motivated as ever now.

I know I'm destined for bigger & better things.

As long as my dreams are still burning alive..

I will keep pursuing them.

With these walls up all around me.

My very own four pink walls.

Love, Eran.

Current Song Mood: Alessia Cara - Four Pink Walls

I grew up memorizing all the cracks in the wall
Staring up at the ceiling watching particles fall
See I prayed every day for a change to be made
And I'd wait to be saved, oh no
Up at night, hiding under covers found my escape
Shut my eyes and let the bass buzz into my brain
See I knew I was destined for bigger and better but never said a thing

I assumed there was only room for
My dreams in my dreams so I'd sleep and repeat 'til the moon went home
And I didn't know where it'd take me but made me so crazy in love with it

Then the universe aligned
With what I had in mind
Who knew there was a life
Behind those four pink walls?

Now I wake up to a different bedroom everyday
Living up in the clouds thinking of how it all changed
Used to sit and watch paint dry
Amazed by the limelight
I can't ever be afraid

I assumed there was only room for
My dreams in my dreams so I'd sleep and repeat 'til the moon went home
And I didn't know where it'd take me but made me so crazy in love with it

Then the universe aligned
Oh, with what I had in mind
Who knew there was a life behind those four pink walls?
Oh, the universe aligned
With what I wanted all this time
I knew there was a life
Behind those four pink walls

All of the days that I wasted gazing outside the window
Impatient frustrations let out into my pillow
Lied awake at night while my head wandered
And I wondered why
Things weren't different
Everything shifted overnight
Went from "when boredom strikes" to "Ms. Star on the Rise"
It was all in an instant man
But those four pink walls, now I kinda miss them man

Then the universe aligned
With what I wanted all this time
I knew there was a life
Behind those four pink walls

When Love Hurts

Page 387

What a Saturday.

Woke up this morning feeling surreal.

I was at home, in my own bed.

No morning rush today.

No shoutings.

No exercises.
No one to tell me what to do.

Just me. In bed.

Feeling relaxed.

Yet I couldnt sleep in.

Guess my body clock wasn't used to it.

I kept thinking.

About.. everything.

The emptiness sinked in.

I tried to sleep it off.

And I dreamt.. of you.

I dreamt you texted. I dreamt we were communicating again.

And when I woke up.. I wanted to check my phone immediately. But I didnt.

I stopped myself. Because I knew it was too good to be true.

The feelings I felt at that time.

They came back for a moment.

And then they disappeared.

All I could do was to curl up in a ball and suppress those feelings.

It's all in the past now.

This is my reality.

Spent the rest of the day out on my own. Bought stuffs for tomorrow. Tried to keep my mind occupied. Listening to songs that somehow made me even more depressed, yet slightly empowered at the same time.

I was as alone as I could be, fending on my own.

You'd think I'd get used to it by now..

But I know I wont.

Love hurts.

But I guess that's how you know it's real.

On the side note, if you haven't listened to JoJo's new TRINGLE, then you're missing OUT.

Like seriously, leave get out.

Ready for her to take over.

Love, Eran.

Let's get real.

Current Song Mood: JoJo - When Love Hurts

When love hurts, baby
Yeah, that's how you know it's real
When love hurts, yeah that's how it
Yeah that's how you know it's real

It's like we speak a different language
These double-sided conversations set me up
Keep dodging bullets in the bedroom
But neither one will ever say we've had enough

Help, I can't tell if we're ending
Until we break down, say it now, we're through
All you do

When love hurts, baby
Yeah, that's how you know it's real
When love hurts, yeah that's how it
Yeah that's how you know
When love hurts, baby
Yeah, that's how you know it's real
When love hurts, yeah that's how it
Yeah that's how you know it's real

Those signs went through me like a freight train
You're getting off testing my patience 'til it's gone
But then again, I do the same thing
And neither one will ever say we've had enough

Help, I can't tell if we're ending
Until we break down, say it now, we're through
All you do (oh all you do)

When love hurts, baby
Yeah, that's how you know it's real
When love hurts, yeah that's how it
Yeah that's how you know
When love hurts, baby
Yeah, that's how you know it's real (know it's real)
When love hurts, yeah that's how it
Yeah that's how you know it's real

(Yeah that's how you know it's real)

(Yeah that's how you know it's real)

And that's how you know it's real
Oh and I know it's real

Beautiful Things

Page 386 

I hopped in the car. My parents greeted me warmly.

Finally. Back where I belong.

I observed my surroundings as my parents took me home.

The traffic lights.

The cars.

The People.. real actual, civilised people.

Enjoying the air-con.
It felt like a dream come true.

I was silent.

I've been silent for all this while

I was appreciating all the little things.

Things are.. different now.

I'm different.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Been a while.

The past 3 weeks have been.. incredibly challenging for me. Or rather.. the past month.

It's been exactly a month. On this very date.

Cant believe time's passed that fast.

I feel like a completely different person.

Everyday was the same routine.

I felt..

Emotionless.

Numb.

Just like a robot.

Blending in with everyone else.

It was the only way.

I had to stop hurting/blaming myself.

Not only losing someone I really loved was taking its toll on me, feeling like I was the one at fault only made things worse. I was affected deeply. But I chose to keep it to myself. Because this.. this was something only I could handle. The courses I went through were definitely just as challenging. But I persevered and I made it. It helped me focus.. kept my mind off things for a while.

Now that I'm out…back home…

 It feels really weird.

Where do I go from here?

I'm lost again.

I can't help but wonder sometimes.

Whenever I stare at the moon at night.

Or watch the sun rise as I do my morning PT..

Could things have been different?

If I didnt say what I did?

You cross my mind each day.

Not much now, just.. glimpses. 

Memories.

Bits and pieces.

Certain moments that I remember.

But they're not clear now.

Not anymore.

And then I cut them off..

Because.. there's really no point.

I understand now.

I'm used to it.

If you have to go, then go.

Just… go.

I guess there's nothing to do now, but to focus on the beautiful side of life.

The beautiful things..

.

.

.

...

Love, Eran.

I never regretted.

Current Song Mood: Tori Kelly - Beautiful Things

I'd been afraid
I'd been away too long
Every city whispering your name

Won't ask you to wait
But darling when I get home
I'm hoping that you might still feel the same

But if you go, I think I'd understand
It's not that easy holding my hand
But you should know, that I miss you all the time
And I wish that I could tell you that we'll be alright
But I can't be where you are tonight

I only dream beautiful things about you
So waking up always seems to hurt
And I hate goodbyes
But baby I'll try to make them work
If you choose to break my heart when I return

But if you go, I think I'd understand
It's not that easy holding my hand
But you should know, that I miss you all the time
And I wish that I could tell you that we'll be alright
But I can't be where you are tonight

I can't be where you are

If you go, I think I'd understand
It's not that easy holding my hand
But you should know, that I miss you all the time
And I wish that I could tell you 
But I can't be where you are

Surrender

Page 385

Yesterday was great. Did something I've always wanted to do, something memorable, before my enlistment.

You guys will see soon :)

Last night was frustrating though.

I've really given up, and it takes a lot for me to come to this point.

Thanks for making me realise what kind of person you are.

And thanks for finally admitting it.

I don't know when I'll be blogging again?

But for now, silence will be a nice change. 

I guess I've said all that I've needed to say.

It's time.

I surrender.

Love, Eran.

I wanna be safe.

Current Song Mood: Rifat - Surrender

[SPEECH]

This
Is a story about us

[VERSE 1]

It's 4 in the morn
You're wrapped in his arms
I could tell from your face
You right at that place
Where you feel at home

Cause I've seen it before
By our hotel room door
Do you remember that night
You held me so tight
It felt so right

I've been so alone
Sex don't feel right no more
These girls got it goin
We take it back home
The emptiness grows

I'm better alone
Yeah yeah I'm better alone
I tell myself things
I wished I believe
Then you call on my phone

I don't wanna see that
I ain't really need that (I don't)
You got your shit goin
He look like the one
Why can't you believe that
Why can't I believe that
I ain't really need that
I gotta get this outta head right now

[CHORUS]

I wanna be
I wanna be
I wanna be, wanna be
Safe here

I won't have you come over in my thoughts
I will surrender

I wanna be
I wanna be
I wanna be, wanna be
Safe here

I won't have you come over in my thoughts
I will surrender
In my thought I will surrender
In my thought I will surrender
Ohh

[VERSE 2]

405 and yeah getting late
50 million stars spread overhead
Wish I could get right in your head
I do believe you remember that

This is the place that I brought you to
Now you bringing him over here with you?
Tell me I'm wrong, but you know it's true
I do believe you thinking of me, too

Confessing
While I should be suppressing

Figured I would choke and croak
But the walk down is making my mind provoke
All the hope that lingers in the cage in my chest
You know that you'll always my best
I'd like to remind you girl
Of all of the good not the bad

Shots at the bar
All I see are women on the menu
I'm trying so hard
To drown in the liquor for a rescue

It's starting to spin
I feel it numbing my veins
And now that I feel so ashamed
I'll have one last sip of this pain

[CHORUS]

I wanna be
I wanna be
I wanna be, wanna be
Safe here

I won't have you come over in my thoughts
I will surrender

I wanna be
I wanna be
I wanna be, wanna be
Safe here

I won't have you come over in my thoughts
I will surrender
In my thought I will surrender
In my thought I will surrender

[BRIDGE]

Listen
Listen to me
Oh baby baby baby baby
You'll never be more
You'll never be more than this
The longer it goes
The further you get and girl,
I'm happy with that
I've already started the fire
All you gotta do is jump right in
The flight back home will only make you wanna think of me
Ohh

[KEYBOARD SOLO]

[OUTRO]

Someone New

Page 384

I know you probably won't even care by now but I need to get this off my chest.

Only God knows how much I've been suffering alone.

I miss you so fucking much.

I miss our cuddles. Our kisses. Our laughter.

The weekly hangouts where I can just chill at your place and escape the reality of stress & family problems.

The times where we can just fall asleep by each other's side.

Cuddling and watching our shows together.

Your funny comments.

Your bitchiness.

Watching you as you slept, thinking about how lucky I was. 

Your snorings that kept me amused.

You grabbing my finger to dig your nose.

You and your sore body and always getting me to massage you.

The countless of times you you'd have to go to the toilet.

The times you'd stalk who i followed on insta and getting annoyed if i followed new people.

The times you knew I was upset and actually bothered to ask what's wrong.

The times we went out together.. Our dates. Town. Changi airport. JB.. Me making time to meet you after work. I was always happy to go on our dates.

Remember that time we kissed in public for the first time? :) That was in the bus. I was so damn shy.

Holding hands in public. Remember that sweet night in town? :)

Chilling/walking around grocery stores for fun and just to kill time. 

I missed your audio notes too. They were so sweet and you seemed to be singing them to me.

 I miss That.

I miss everything about you.

Don't you miss US?

You were my only motivation, to go through internship, work. You influenced me in everything I do. The things I wear. The music I listen to.

Everything I do reminds me of you.

I see green, I think of you.

I go to town, I think of you.

I wear my clothes, I think of you.

I smell my perfume, I think of you.

I listen to songs, I think of you.

Fuck even when I'm taking a dump, i'll think of you.

You're everywhere.

The first time we met.. I was going through a certain phase.. I believe everything happens for a reason.

You were the reason. Deleting all those unnecessary people out of my life was the best thing I ever did.

It felt so therapeutic. I felt good because I had you, and I wanted to focus only on you.

No regrets. I was never so serious & committed to anyone before.

Nowadays silence is all that I get from you. Fine I'm giving you your space. Even though it kills me inside. But Im the one running out of time. You don't even want to see me today. Even if its my last day. Enough of your excuses. I've had enough of all the bullshit really. 

You know what would kill me the most? The thought of someone else in your arms, in your bedroom, receiving the same affection that I did a few months ago.

I've had nightmares… of you with someone new. I was so affected, even when I woke up. It's just a dream yes.. but it feels like the nightmare never stopped. Up until now, I still feel like I'm living in a never ending bad dream.

No matter all the things you did to hurt me, or how bad I've felt… I still want to be with you. Call me a fool or whatever, I don't care. I'm a person who follows my heart strongly. And… I guess the heart wants what it wants.

I want you. 

I Love You.

And I mean that, in the most sincere way possible. 

You've never left my mind.. Every single moment.

So please..

Please wait for me.

Please don't fall in love with someone new.

I promise I'll come back for you.

And I hope by then, we'll both have enough time and space to grow into better individuals.

...

So I guess this is it.

My dear.

You'll forever have a special place in my heart.

Till we meet again. 

<3

Goodbye.

Love, Eran.

I promise.

Current Song Mood: BANKS - Someone New

[Verse 1:]
I can love you desperately, though your love ain't guaranteed
Oh, I wish you knew the deal, gotta learn from far away
And I simply needed space, space for me to be
And I think you need it too
Though I know you call me selfish for assuming
I did this for you too, you still got me around your finger
Even though I'm far away
Please believe me when I say

[Chorus:]
Everything I do, I'm gonna think of you
Don't know what else to do
You got me, you got me, baby
Everything I make, I only make for you
Baby, be patient for me
And please don't fall in love with someone new
I promise one day I'll come back for you

[Verse 2:]
Oh, you say you hate me now, and you burn me with your words
Calling me a fool, saying that I've fucked up everything
And you'll never forgive me, though I'm doing this for you
Baby, can't you see if there is such a thing
Of loving someone so much that you need
To give them time to let them breathe
But you don't understand, I wish you understood
Oh, I hope one day you do

[Chorus]

[Bridge:]
Believe in you, believe in me, we're meant to be together
I told you, weren't lyin', I know you aren't relying
And now I am supplying you the time and space
To let you grow into the person that I know, that I know you can be
And I can be one too
And I'll come back to you
And I am ready for you, baby, I am ready for you now
I'm not ready for you now, please don't hate me

[Chorus]

[Outro:]
I promise one day I'll come back to you
I promise one day I'll come back to you
I promise baby, one day I'll come back to you
I promise baby, one day I'll come back to you

All I Want

Page 383

Guess I'm almost done with packing. It's the last day for me to sleep in tomorrow.

After that.. A different life awaits me.

I'm so nervous yet I can't wait to move on & start this new chapter in my life.

But before that.. I need to do something

All I want right now.

All I ever want at this moment.. is to see you again.

Just before I go…

Even if it hurts me.

Even if it kills me.

Because my heart wants to.. and I'm a person that follows my intuition strongly.

No matter how shitty you treated me now.. like I don't even exist..

I know I still want to see you.

I know I need this.

Everything happens for a reason. 

I just haven't found out what that is yet.

So I'm gonna find that answer myself.

That, is all I want.

Love, Eran

All I want, nothing more.

Current Song Mood: Kodaline - All I Want

All I want is nothing more
To hear you knocking at my door
'Cause if I could see your face once more
I could die a happy man I'm sure

When you said your last goodbye
I died a little bit inside
I lay in tears in bed all night
Alone without you by my side

But if you loved me
Why'd you leave me?
Take my body
Take my body
All I want is,
And all I need is
To find somebody.
I'll find somebody like you.

Oh oh

So you brought out the best of me,
A part of me I've never seen.
You took my soul and wiped it clean.
Our love was made for movie screens.

But if you loved me
Why'd you leave me?
Take my body,
Take my body.
All I want is,
And all I need is
To find somebody.
I'll find somebody.

Oh

If you loved me
Why'd you leave me?
Take my body,
Take my body.
All I want is,
And all I need is
To find somebody.
I'll find somebody like you.

Oh

Love Myself

Page 382

All these SG50 promos and no one to go out with…

Stop thinking. Less feeling. And just go on with your day.

That was my motto for today.

Went to visit a couple of houses today.

'Jengka' played at my Uncle's house and… I remembered I used to watch that with…

…

But I guess I had to tune that out.

And concentrated on watching it with my cousins. Heh..

Spent a lot of time with my relatives today.

Played with my lil nephew. He's so cute now. Always busy playing and laughing. Hehe.

He even places his hand on my shoulder. I'm officially his fwen!!! LOL.

And I had a good chat with le cousin Fad who kept giving my advices on my enlistment.

Guess I should start prepping myself now.

:/

Ah well. Gonna take it calmly. Just like I always do.

I gotta love myself.

This is something my friends have been telling me over and over.

I can't keep depending on other people… 

Everyone has their own commitments and shit.

I only have myself. I have to be independent & accept myself for who I am.

I have to get used to being alone.

I gotta love myself first before I start loving anybody else.

I guess I gotta start doing just that.

:)

Love, Eran.

I guess I don't need anybody else.

Current Song Mood: Hailee Steinfield - Love Myself

Yeah

When I get chills at night

I feel it deep inside without you, yeah

Know how to satisfy

Keeping that tempo right without you, yeah

Pictures in my mind on replay

I'm gonna touch the pain away

I know how to scream my own name

Scream my name

(I love me)

Gonna love myself, no, I don't need anybody else

(Hey)

Gonna love myself, no, I don't need anybody else

(I love me)

Can't help myself, no, I don't need anybody else

Anytime, day or night

(I love me)

Gonna love myself, no, I don't need anybody else

(Hey)

Gonna love myself, no, I don't need anybody else

(I love me)

Can't help myself, no, I don't need anybody else

Anytime that I like

(I love me)

I'll take it nice and slow

Feeling good on my phone without you, yeah

Got me speaking in tongues

The beautiful, it comes without you, yeah

I'm gonna put my body first

And love me so hard 'til it hurts

I know how to scream out the words

Scream the words

(I love me)

Gonna love myself, no, I don't need anybody else

(Hey)

Gonna love myself, no, I don't need anybody else

(I love me)

Can't help myself, no, I don't need anybody else

Anytime, day or night

(I love me)

Gonna love myself, no, I don't need anybody else

(Hey)

Gonna love myself, no, I don't need anybody else

(I love me)

Can't help myself, no, I don't need anybody else

Anytime that I like

(I love me)

Ah, la la la, la la la la la

Ah, la la la, la la la la la

Ah, la la la, la la la la la

Anytime that I like

(I love)

I know how to scream my own name

Scream my name

(I love me)

Gonna love myself, no, I don't need anybody else

(Hey)

Gonna love myself, no, I don't need anybody else

(I love me)

Can't help myself, no, I don't need anybody else

Anytime, day or night

(I love me)

Gonna love myself, no, I don't need anybody else

(Hey)

Gonna love myself, no, I don't need anybody else

(I love me)

Can't help myself, no, I don't need anybody else

Anytime that I like

(I love me)